The Reconciliation thread

[bholderman]

A lot of you that know my history and current relationship with my wife, might hate me for this.

But, this concept is important. I consider my marriage, still, important.

My wife has made small comments in regards to reconciliation. I've been struggling with that, if its possible in me to even think it. She was at the house last night for a bit, while she was with one of our girls I stopped in the middle of a walk towards the kitchen, grabbed her and gave her a long extended kiss on the neck. Yes, she still makes me weak in the knees.

So for anyone else out there, have you managed to reconcile through a brutal hurt? What did you go through to manage it. Did you succeed or fail? Was it worth it or not?

 

[intothewoods]

A lot of you that know my history and current relationship with my wife, might hate me for this.

But, this concept is important. I consider my marriage, still, important.

My wife has made small comments in regards to reconciliation. I've been struggling with that, if its possible in me to even think it. She was at the house last night for a bit, while she was with one of our girls I stopped in the middle of a walk towards the kitchen, grabbed her and gave her a long extended kiss on the neck. Yes, she still makes me weak in the knees.

So for anyone else out there, have you managed to reconcile through a brutal hurt? What did you go through to manage it. Did you succeed or fail? Was it worth it or not?

I'm sorry for your hurt and struggles, Brad.

My husband and I never really gave it a shot. We went a few times, but at one point I restarted talking to the online other and he found out about it. I really didn't have the balls to cut off the contact, risk being alone and just go through the hurt and counseling with my husband.

We were able to salvage a working relationship, so to speak, for the sake of our son, with the help of a coparenting counselor. While I didn't always agree with this guy, I did learn a few things which prompt me to give you the following advice.

Did you kiss your wife in front of one of the girls? I would recommend you not do that again, because it's really confusing for them. If you're going to get back together, it can't be on a whim, and you both have to be really sure. I don't think it's fair to the girls to go back and forth. Others may disagree with me, but that's my strong opinion on the subject.

If you are going to try to reconcile, and even if you are not, I recommend joint counseling. This person must be able to be neutral. You should both be heard, and neither of you should be able to get away with bullshit. I was so convinced of myself in me and the husband's first few sessions, that I talked all over the therapist and him! So make sure this person is truly neutral and capable.

Just think it through Brad. Nothing has to happen overnight. You've got to be rational on this, for the girls' sake.

 

[catalina_francisco]

On the rare occassions I have gone back to a relationship that had ended after a long time (years, not weeks/months), it has proven to be a mistake. My mother always said you never step backwards and I have heard this elsewhere as well. I am not sure if it is because of extending the hurt, or too much water under the bridge to ever fully recapture what was lost, I just know for me it always meant it was just delaying the inevitable and usually added more complications and hurt than were there after the initial break.

Be careful if it is her suggestion, and if you want to try it. Thoroughly check out if possible why she wants to reconcile. My cousin fell into the trap of going back also and found out it was engineered so she could get pregnant with a second child and claim more money from him when she left again....her solicitor had suggested it as a way to line her bank account more than she already had, and also fabricate allegations of abuse. So please be careful given it was her who went to a solicitor not that long ago, her who seemed to want to end the relationship, and from what I have read until now she has not shown any interest in you or resuming the relationship.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

My heart's in knots for you, Brad.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I hope for all the world that it works out for you if that's what you want. I don't think anybody here would be so crass as to hate you for doing something out of love. Whether we admit it or not, I think we've all been there at some time or another.

 

[Kajira Callista]

A lot of you that know my history and current relationship with my wife, might hate me for this.

But, this concept is important. I consider my marriage, still, important.

My wife has made small comments in regards to reconciliation. I've been struggling with that, if its possible in me to even think it. She was at the house last night for a bit, while she was with one of our girls I stopped in the middle of a walk towards the kitchen, grabbed her and gave her a long extended kiss on the neck. Yes, she still makes me weak in the knees.

So for anyone else out there, have you managed to reconcile through a brutal hurt? What did you go through to manage it. Did you succeed or fail? Was it worth it or not?

Be careful with that.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Brad
as I told you on the phone... BE Wary... Something isnt right.... she doesnt have the girls and you in her best interest.... please be careful....

 

[satindesire]

There's a reason you two are not getting along, and unless both of you make a pretty huge shift in personality and perception, I doubt it could bode well for you, her, and your children.

Being attracted to someone...hell, even loving someone isn't enough to make a relationship work.

Staying away from her will help mend your heart and get over her, because the more time you spend in her presence, the more you can argue with yourself and tell yourself that it can still work.

 

[LittleJade]

I am a hard hearted woman.

And I have massive discipline.


When someone has hurt me the way she has hurt you, I would not seek reconciliation. Perhaps I would end up the loser because of it... but trust is too important a thing to me, for me to give it back once it's been tossed to the wayside by the other person.

So, I would steel myself, and hold back, and see her out the door.



But again- I am a hard woman, and that may be the wrong way to go aobut it.

 

[coy_one]

My father remarried his second wife after 7 years of divorce. I'm a firm believer anything can happen.

My exhusband and I did reconcile after a serious upset. But, it wasn't enough.... two years later, we did go for the divorce.

I believe that it is a long journey in order to work on trust in issues like this. Something that counseling can aid, if you have a great therapist.

In the words of my psychiatrist, if you don't see any red flags, and it seems logical, go for it.
If you see the flags and get that gut feeling something isn't right and logically it just won't work.... it's best to let go. Regardless of how much you love. Sometimes self preservation is worth more.
Two people should come together as two complete emotionally healthy people. Life doesn't always happen that way.... but I believe that both people in the relationship should be as emotionally healthy as possible in this type of situation.
You will want to work on any feelings of mistrust. Resentment will surface later down the road. Don't kid yourself either.

 

[intothewoods]

There are ways to go about this kind of rationally. Tell her if she wants you to consider reconciliation, she needs to stop seeing the other guy and agree to counseling. And whatever other things you've been waiting on with her.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

A lot of you that know my history and current relationship with my wife, might hate me for this.

But, this concept is important. I consider my marriage, still, important.

My wife has made small comments in regards to reconciliation. I've been struggling with that, if its possible in me to even think it. She was at the house last night for a bit, while she was with one of our girls I stopped in the middle of a walk towards the kitchen, grabbed her and gave her a long extended kiss on the neck. Yes, she still makes me weak in the knees.

So for anyone else out there, have you managed to reconcile through a brutal hurt? What did you go through to manage it. Did you succeed or fail? Was it worth it or not?

God knows I know exactely how you feel like Brad... *hugs*

As for your question:
I know your story and guess you know mine as well. From my point of view its still WORTH IT to give it a try with my ex. We might be divorced for years, but in my heart he's still my husband, always was. I can totaly relate to you with the the "being weak in the knees" as thats how I feel with my ex as well and I kissed him when we was separated also. I just couldnt resist...

I cannot tell you if its good or bad to give it chance. I did yes and I like to think I am not just wasting my time with him. There are times when its good and when we smile and are happy like nuthing bad happened between us and there are times when its not that good and when I wish I never took him back.

This is something you have to sort in your head, well prolly more in your heart as thats the one who dont wanna let go right? I know the feeling, the doubts and the fear of giving it a chance again. Fear of being hurt that bad again. I know how it feels like to be treated like you mean nuthing to someone, but still loving them with all of your heart.

For me, I gave it a chance yes. I know very well I've entered inscrutable waters and that I can easily drow in them. This is the thing about ex's I think that you can be never REALLY sure of "will he/she do it again or not". Nobody can answear you this question and you wont find the answear untill you give it a try. I am not telling you to do it! I would NEVER tell you to go for it as I know how much of pain it can give you.

I have split with my ex more than once and he did it again yes. The very same thing. Made me trust him and throw me away for someone else after. Used me when he needed me and let go when I was useless for him. I went thro lots of emotional pain with this, so I cannot say its wise to go for it, but I do understand your sense for the family and I know you still love your wife as well. Its hard yes. Wish I could give you the answears your searching for, but think nobody can. Nobody can really tell you IF it will be worth it, or not. It might be? but it might not. You might as well just get hurt some more and I would really hate to see you hurting more than you already hurt!

Nobody here will hate you for this post or for the decision you will make. Just be careful and know that you might get hurt again. Think very well before you go for it. Think how much are you willing to do or take for your family and for your love. It might hurt, alot! Been there, done that. I still think its worth it and I am happy I made this step. Atm I am happy, I might get abused again anytime tho and I do realise it very well. I love my man, but once the trust is broken its hard to get it back. I wanna believe that me and my man will be okay and that this fight and all the pain I went thro was worth it and yes, atm I think it was "BUT" there might come day when I will end hurting 100x worst than before, wishing I never took him back into my life. I wish this NOT to happen, but you never really know with the ex's I think. They did it once and they didnt care, they can do it again and they wont care again.

It doesnt matter how you will decide, we love you and will be here for you to comfort you and support you. Dont do it for her tho! Whatever your decision will be, do it for yaself and for the kids. Do what you think its the best for them and for you. Dont be ashamed to take her back or to let her go once for ever. You have every right to make the decision and nobody can blame you for it no matter how you'll decide. She have to respect it and deal with it. If you take her back, she can thank God you have that big heart to give her another chance.

Find out WHAT her true reasons are. Why she want you back? Does she feel sorry for what she have done or is it just comfy for her to get back to you? I really do think she should at least feel bad about what she have done. Do not give yaslef to her too cheap!

I pray for you to have the wisdom and the strenght to do whats right.

Just be careful okay? and do not allow her to hurt you again.

 

[bholderman]

Thanks all.

Just so you know:

1. Im not even sure if Im up for it.
2. Nothing is ever going back to the way it was.
3. She was told Tuesday, there is no reconciliation with Prince Charming part of the picture.
4. She asked me about couples counselinbg, Ive set up the appointment.
5. I'm not veering an inch away from this current path Im on right now, which leads to separation and eventually divorce.
6. Prince Charming is going to get his ass kicked...

 

[cherokee_dove]

Brad,

Be careful. Is this the first time she has done this little "act" since she took off?

And think of this: she just got her lawyer, and maybe that lawyer is trying to have her play you so that things can get turned around in her favor at a divorce hearing.

But whatever you choose to do, be careful for you and your girls.

 

[sanjuaneros]

My ex wife and I had reconciled a few times, and even remarried after we divorced. We are now divorced and I am remarried. We were separated for many reasons and never should’ve reconciled. I feel for you.

 

[FurryFury]

My best guess is that things have or are falling apart with her lover and/or her money situation is getting so bad she is now looking at you with new eyes. That's not a good thing for you or the girls IMO. Be careful. Good luck.

 

[sexycaz22]

*nods* I have often read your Dear X posts in the thread and often felt for you. I have been there with my parents, who are now divorced - thankfully! It have been a hard time for all of us, and one I would not want to re-live again.

All I wanted to say is be careful, Brad, and hopes that you have made the right decision, whatever it is for that you and your girls deserve to be happy.

All the best.

 

[satindesire]

Brad,

Be careful. Is this the first time she has done this little "act" since she took off?

And think of this: she just got her lawyer, and maybe that lawyer is trying to have her play you so that things can get turned around in her favor at a divorce hearing.

But whatever you choose to do, be careful for you and your girls.

That's exactly what my ex did to me. He stole my car, put me in the hospital for a week, tried to break into my cabin with a gun, posted private photos of me without my permission on my myspace page (AND changed the password so I couldn't take them down), emailed threats to my parents and my BOSS...and when he came around making all kinds of promises, my positive remarks about that got him a not guilty plea after being in court for 2 weeks.

Trust me when I say that even being beaten up, threatened and terrorized doesn't make a lick of difference to the court system if you say you forgive her, want her back, you're lonely or your kids miss her...or anything like that.

 

[Betticus]

That's exactly what my ex did to me. He stole my car, put me in the hospital for a week, tried to break into my cabin with a gun, posted private photos of me without my permission on my myspace page (AND changed the password so I couldn't take them down), emailed threats to my parents and my BOSS...and when he came around making all kinds of promises, my positive remarks about that got him a not guilty plea after being in court for 2 weeks.

Trust me when I say that even being beaten up, threatened and terrorized doesn't make a lick of difference to the court system if you say you forgive her, want her back, you're lonely or your kids miss her...or anything like that.

You need a couple of brothers who are navy seals.

And to the topic, I made up with my ex wife and seven years later it ended permanently for basically the same reasons.

 

[satindesire]

You need a couple of brothers who are navy seals.

And to the topic, I made up with my ex wife and seven years later it ended permanently for basically the same reasons.

Yeah, I'm an only child, so some older, overprotective, muscley brothers would've come in handy.

//end thread hijack//

 

[FungiUg]

A lot of you that know my history and current relationship with my wife, might hate me for this.

I can't see why we would hate you for valuing an important relationship. Quite the reverse.

But, this concept is important. I consider my marriage, still, important.

My wife has made small comments in regards to reconciliation. I've been struggling with that, if its possible in me to even think it.

I don't know enough about why you broke up in the first place to comment. All I can do is wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose!

 

[Xantu]

Married 5 years.

Divorced... no speaking no contact for 3 years.

Reconciled, recommitted, living together... 9 more years... anything can happen.

The second act is VERY different than the first one. A lot lower expectations. A lot older and wiser and mellower on both sides. No kids in the house.

Each relationship is different. Each separation is different.

Wishing you find happiness.

xantu

 

[bholderman]

A big sigh. AT least fro mt wife, she has now made it clear that she wants some type of reconciliation. Im not sure what, nor am I sure what kind I want.

But the seed is planted. We've both agreed that the first step is learning to talk to each other again.

AQnd before anyone else says it, I know, be careful. Do you really think I want to go throught the last 5 months again?

 

[intothewoods]

A big sigh. AT least fro mt wife, she has now made it clear that she wants some type of reconciliation. Im not sure what, nor am I sure what kind I want.

But the seed is planted. We've both agreed that the first step is learning to talk to each other again.

AQnd before anyone else says it, I know, be careful. Do you really think I want to go throught the last 5 months again?

Again, just be rational, not careful. When it comes to kids and family, you have to be. Correct me if I'm wrong, but she broke your trust. Now that must be rebuilt. You need a therapist, first and foremost. And you need a set of conditions that she must meet before you'll consider this. Don't be careful. Be SMART.

 

[cherokee_dove]

A big sigh. AT least fro mt wife, she has now made it clear that she wants some type of reconciliation. Im not sure what, nor am I sure what kind I want.

But the seed is planted. We've both agreed that the first step is learning to talk to each other again.

AQnd before anyone else says it, I know, be careful. Do you really think I want to go throught the last 5 months again?

Sir, will not say b* c******, as You already know that, just remember; Your girls and You come first; emotionally, spiritually, and physically before one who has shown visible signs that she can, has (and may again) cheat.

Be well and my thoughts are with You and Your girls.

 

[closerIam]

We've both agreed that the first step is learning to talk to each other again.

QUOTE]

Brad, as I look back on my marriage, I realize how much hurt could have been avoided we had been better at communicating. We stayed together for a lot of years when it really would have been better (for us and the kids) if we had separated...but I see this in retrospect. If we had communicated honestly, we would have seen it at the time...

I don't know much about your history, other than what has been mentioned in this thread. I've been where you are...and went against my gut feeling that things were still wrong...and welcomed him back. It ripped me up inside...

I wish the best for you...that good communication and honesty will lead you to make the correct decisions for you and your kids. *hugs*