The Official Dirty Joke Thread

[Vash]

i posted a
cybersex joke on another thread, and i liked it so much, i'm starting a thread for more sex or dirty jokes. i'll post the first one and just add more if you find some.

Bear It From Behind!!

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

 

[Guest]

I've heard the punch-line before. Not much originality. The thread doesn't deserve a bump.

 

[lamafees]

well vash..i've never heard it before and i think it funny....
very gross..but funny....

you shold put the cybersex one on ehre though.....that's hella hilarious!!! ya know what i'm talking about...

 

[RudeNastyAssBitch]

Whorehouse Of Ickiness!

So This Dude Gets Off The Boats After Being Out At Sea Fer Months, And Finds The Closest Whorehouse Looing For Some Lovin. He Runs Up To The Front Desk And Asks For Whoever Is Avavilable, She Hands Him A Swipe Card For Room 19, So He Runs Upstairs And Enters The Hookers Room.

A Really Old Woman Is Sitting On The edge Of The Bed, And As He Enters Smiles Brightly Saying She Has Not Had A Trick All Day. He Is Too Horney To Think About How Old And Saggy She Is, So He Just Whips His Pants Off, Lays Her Back And Starts Fucking Her....He Slides In And Out A Coupla Times And Finds Her A Little Dry In Her Love Tunnel, So He Politly Asks Her To Lube Up A Bit. She Is Delighted To Help Him Out And Saunters To The Bathroom. After Being Gone Fer A Time, She Comes Back And Climbs Ontop Of Him, Riding His Cock Just Like A Pro! Her unt Is Soooo Wet Now, It's A Dream He Thinks. They Finish Up And He Just Had Ta Know What Kind Of Lube She Used, Cuz It Was Soo Natural Feeling!

"Oh That!" She Says With A Smile, " I Just Pulled The Scabs Off, It Works Real Well Eh?"

 

[lamafees]

OOhhh girlll..NASTY!!!! HAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!
now that was a nasty joke...hahahahah...but...damn!!! how gross!!!!!!

 

[Guest]

Re: Whorehouse Of Ickiness!

"Oh That!" She Says With A Smile, " I Just Pulled The Scabs Off, It Works Real Well Eh?"

I find blood to be a poor lube.

 

[bknight2602]

Re: Whorehouse Of Ickiness!

So This Dude Gets Off The Boats After Being Out At Sea Fer Months, And Finds The Closest Whorehouse Looing For Some Lovin.

....

"Oh That!" She Says With A Smile, " I Just Pulled The Scabs Off, It Works Real Well Eh?"

That really is nasty.

 

[RudeNastyAssBitch]

Re: Re: Whorehouse Of Ickiness!

I find blood to be a poor lube.

But Pus Is An Exellent Lubricant!

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Whorehouse Of Ickiness!

But Pus Is An Exellent Lubricant!

Yum, yum.

 

[RudeNastyAssBitch]

LOL

 

[Freya]

 

[Freya]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets
were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it
was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too
sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up
early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6
times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up
your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you
said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6
times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move

KEEP READING....... _________________________________________________
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you
got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after
thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on
TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you
farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

[Guest]

 

[bobo_daclown]

Some pirates out at sea are getting a bit restless, as they haven't pillaged any towns lately and no women were nearby. The captain knows that if the pirates start to screw oneanother, Posiedon himself will sink the boat.

So, he tells the men, "Arrg, I know that you want to have sex and that we won't be in port for another month. So, I've set aside a barrel with a hole in the side of it on the aft deck. If you promise to use that barrel and not one another, I will pay for each of you to go to the brothel when we dock at the port."

The men agree and the month passes. When the pirate ship docks, the captain gives each of them enough money to go to a brothel and takes the barrel, which is now quite full, to the market. Finally, the only person who will buy the semen-laden barrel is an old candle-maker who swears that the stuff is great for the candle consistency.

The pirates sail away the next morning and a year passes. The pirates once again dock at the same port and the captain pays them enough to go to the brothel. As he's carrying the new barrel off the ship, a nun in her habit comes up to him. "My name is Sister Mary Chistanson and I look after the nuns at the local church. Are you the same pirates that docked here last year?" When the captain says yes, she smacks him hard, across the face.

"What was that for?" Asks the captain.
"The barrel from your boat made all my nuns pregnant!"

 

[Guest]

The above is the reason why all the women should prefer butt-funk!

 

[christianne]

A man takes his girlfriend to a hotel trying to make their first lovemaking a special experience. Beforehand she tells him she used to date Tiger Woods and says he lived up to his name in bed. So the man screws her for all he's worth and afterwards he's famished. He gets out of bed and picks up the phone and asks her if she wants anything from room service. She tells him, "Tiger would never stop after just one time." So the guy climbs back into to bed and again screws her with all his might. Now he's really famished. So again he picks up the phone and again she says "Tiger would never stop after two times." So the guy climbs into to bed and somehow screws her again. When he climbs out of bed afterwards she asks "Are you calling room service?" The guys says "No. I'm calling Tiger Woods to see what the par is for this hole!"

 

[Guest]

I hate golf, but dig the fucking!