The Nude Pool: Part Two

[PrevertOne]

Dropped today https://www.literotica.com/s/the-nude-pool-pt-02 Hope everyone likes

 

[MythicMind]

Overall it's a good chapter. Just some mild feedback.

1) You do something that I do too much as well...you repeat sentence structures. For instance:

The next morning dawned clear and sunny, promising a beautiful day. ...
Faye Morgan had a newspaper subscription, so the girls could read the forecast while breakfasting. ...
They decided to make a circuit, see if there's any more neighbors out and about. ...
The mid-morning neighborhood was relatively quiet, but some residents were out performing, mostly yard work and other chores.

When I do my editing run-through, I now have this on my list of things to look for.

2) This is not the best use of a colon:

The next bit of strange came as they passed a National Parcel Company van parked at a corner: the same one from yesterday.

Could be written as, "The next odd thing they noticed was a National Parcel Company van parked on the corner—the same one they’d seen yesterday."

3) Be consistent with how you note interior thoughts. Eg:

"A fawn. A baby deer. A white baby deer. On a leash," thought Lucy.

But in two sentences, you have this interior thought:

"Uh, Lucy. Lucy Wonderland," she took the woman's hand. It's so soft and warm.

4) Some of your dialogue is a little odd. Eg:

"That was... wow! I don't consider myself lesbian but..." Sarah's mouth was open.

Could be: "Wow," Sarah said. "I'm not a lesbian, but damn..."

5) Sometimes you describe an event using unnecessarily complex language. For instance, the section about diving into the pool and the bikini top coming off. This could be written using simpler language since it then turns into an odd event. It could be written more clearly:

Lucy dove into the pool wearing her black string bikini and came up a moment later completely naked.
For a second, she just floated there, confused. Then she spotted her top and bottoms drifting away across the water.
“Dammit!” she said, lunging for them. “I thought I tied the strings tight!”
At least Sarah was the only one watching—and since Lucy had been naked in front of her best friend before, she didn’t bother to be embarrassed.

6) When two friends are talking to each other, they generally don't say their names. There are exceptions, like when they are trying to get their attention or making a strong point. But "I'm feeling it everywhere, Lucy!" should just be ""I'm feeling it everywhere!" —Lucy already knows Sarah is talking to her.

Overall, it's a very creative sex scene.

 

[PrevertOne]

1) You do something that I do too much as well...you repeat sentence structures. For instance:
When I do my editing run-through, I now have this on my list of things to look for.

Good point. I'll take it into thought on future stories

2) This is not the best use of a colon:
Could be written as, "The next odd thing they noticed was a National Parcel Company van parked on the corner—the same one they’d seen yesterday."

I tend to use colons as I keep forgetting, and I'm not used to, dashes.

 

[PrevertOne]

5) Sometimes you describe an event using unnecessarily complex language. For instance, the section about diving into the pool and the bikini top coming off. This could be written using simpler language since it then turns into an odd event. It could be written more clearly:

Lucy dove into the pool wearing her black string bikini and came up a moment later completely naked.
For a second, she just floated there, confused. Then she spotted her top and bottoms drifting away across the water.
“Dammit!” she said, lunging for them. “I thought I tied the strings tight!”
At least Sarah was the only one watching—and since Lucy had been naked in front of her best friend before, she didn’t bother to be embarrassed.

I like to play with language for purposes of humor. Writing something in a conventional manner can be boring.

 

[PrevertOne]

6) When two friends are talking to each other, they generally don't say their names. There are exceptions, like when they are trying to get their attention or making a strong point. But "I'm feeling it everywhere, Lucy!" should just be ""I'm feeling it everywhere!" —Lucy already knows Sarah is talking to her.

I get into this habit because readers kept complaining about difficulties following my dialogue exchanges between characters.

 

[MythicMind]

5) Sometimes you describe an event using unnecessarily complex language. For instance, the section about diving into the pool and the bikini top coming off. This could be written using simpler language since it then turns into an odd event. It could be written more clearly:

I like to play with language for purposes of humor. Writing something in a conventional manner can be boring.

Interesting is not the same thing as complex. In this example, an interesting thing is happening: the bikini is flying off magically. Conventional grammar in this case isn't boring because the circumstance itself is interesting. You want to make the action clear when odd things are happening; I had to re-read it a couple of times to understand what was happening.

There are plenty of opportunities for creative ways to describe things. A clever turn of phrase or unexpected metaphor can spice up an otherwise ordinary passage. But even then, grammar should be straightforward, unless you are intentionally trying to confuse the reader (which might be the case sometimes, depending on your intent).

 

[MythicMind]

I get into this habit because readers kept complaining about difficulties following my dialogue exchanges between characters.

The solution to this is dialogue tags. In this case:

"I'm feeling it everywhere!" exclaimed Sarah, her voice a rising mix of fear and arousal.