Closet Desire
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2000
- Posts
- 1,177
Got this from a friend of mine in Houston today...hope you get a "kick" out of it!
Subject: Travel Advice - Crawford, Texas
> >
> >The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas, will soon be
> >drawing a number of people to that area, including many who are
> >not used to southern hospitality. They might find useful the
> >following travel advice issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
> >to all visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites.
> >
> >1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local Waffle
> >House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let
> >them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick
> >your ass.
> >
> >2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Booger,
> >Bobby Ray, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just
> >HAVE to kick your ass.
> >
> >3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here,
> >it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper,
> >7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can
lead
> >to an ass kicking.
> >
> >4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
> >Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally
a
> >lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick
your
> >ass.
> >
> >5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
> >Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers).
> >Naturally, we do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter,
> >Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We
> >are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run
> >for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
> >
> >6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
> >Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
> >up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
> >If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick
> >your ass.
> >
> >7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
> >Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your
ass.
> >
> >8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
> >know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with
> >gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
> >
> >9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
> >know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit,
> >Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
> >it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before
> >it gets kicked.
> >
> >10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way
> >because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
> >understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand
> >what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and
> >leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
> >
> >11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of
> >OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about
> >OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston
> >Harbor.
> >
> >12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am.
> >We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks
> >because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave
> >yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or
> >they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
> >
> >13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live
> >in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not
> >live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or
> >Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.
> >
> >14) Nothing in California is Southern, so if you come down here,
> >don't think you are one of us just because you say you're from
> >Southern California. Your Mexicans didn't invent low riders,
> >ours did. And the food is Tex Mex. It isn't Cali Mex. You haven't
> >contributed anything to the South so don't take credit or we'll
> >kick your ass.
> >
> >15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell
> >us how to barbeque. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
> >kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize
> >our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
>
Subject: Travel Advice - Crawford, Texas
> >
> >The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas, will soon be
> >drawing a number of people to that area, including many who are
> >not used to southern hospitality. They might find useful the
> >following travel advice issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
> >to all visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites.
> >
> >1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local Waffle
> >House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let
> >them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick
> >your ass.
> >
> >2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubby, Booger,
> >Bobby Ray, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just
> >HAVE to kick your ass.
> >
> >3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here,
> >it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper,
> >7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can
lead
> >to an ass kicking.
> >
> >4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
> >Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally
a
> >lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick
your
> >ass.
> >
> >5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
> >Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Dell computers).
> >Naturally, we do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter,
> >Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We
> >are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run
> >for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
> >
> >6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
> >Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
> >up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
> >If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick
> >your ass.
> >
> >7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
> >Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your
ass.
> >
> >8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
> >know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with
> >gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
> >
> >9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
> >know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit,
> >Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
> >it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before
> >it gets kicked.
> >
> >10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way
> >because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
> >understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand
> >what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and
> >leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
> >
> >11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of
> >OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about
> >OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston
> >Harbor.
> >
> >12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am.
> >We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks
> >because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave
> >yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or
> >they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
> >
> >13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live
> >in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not
> >live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or
> >Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.
> >
> >14) Nothing in California is Southern, so if you come down here,
> >don't think you are one of us just because you say you're from
> >Southern California. Your Mexicans didn't invent low riders,
> >ours did. And the food is Tex Mex. It isn't Cali Mex. You haven't
> >contributed anything to the South so don't take credit or we'll
> >kick your ass.
> >
> >15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell
> >us how to barbeque. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
> >kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize
> >our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
>
