The Murder of the English Language

[carsonshepherd]

This was too funny to keep to myself.

The offender: my SO's mom.
The crime: the brutal murder of the English language.

Exhibit A: "Epsom sauce" (instead of salts)

Ex. B: "electricianer" (practitioner of electricity?)

Ex C: "Egyptian fit" (instead of conniption, one assumes)

post your favorite crimes.

 

[SlickTony]

What a hoot! Is her last name Malaprop, by any chance?

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Egyptian fit is my personal fave. I would just love to see an Egyptian fit. What happens? Does someone get mummified?

This is almost as funny as my four year old calling train engines "locomotors" and saying "sneeze you" instead of "bless you" when someone sneezes. Of course he is four, this is a grown woman Carson's talking about.

 

[Fleatopia]

Oo oo! I have a couple!

My sister: "He looked like a drownded kitten."

My mom (gone now, but remembered fondly): "Nampkins" for napkins. For years I fought to cull that from my speaking vocabulary.

I know I have more... C'mon, Flea. You live in small-town Texas! I'll post 'em as I remember 'em.

I gotta say my favorite from the top is Egyptian Fit. Although my mental image doesn't include mummification, but does include a cut from the old "Dance Like an Egyptian" music video.

-- uhm, I forgot what category I was under. Please don't flame me if I'm not supposed to post here yet. I'm a newb! Not in the face!---

 

[Pure]

A child I know, on being shown those cuddly little pets, kept in a cage in his classroom, said, when I came in,
"Look, look at the skinny pigs!"

 

[millennium_bard]

From various children:

Pasgetti

peamup butter

hiccup truck

 

[cloudy]

A pet peeve of mine is people here in the south that use "ideal" instead of "idea." Believe it or not, I have a friend who's actually a teacher that does it constantly. It grates on me like fingernails on a chalkboard every damn time I hear it.

Another southern-ism is "pillers" - you know, those fluffy things you put your head on when you sleep.

 

[LadyJeanne]

liberry

nucular

the misuse of orientate to refer to orient or orientation

can't hardly believe instead of can hardly believe

could care less instead of couldn't care less

 

[Guest]

Much comedy includes malapropisms, including Shakespeare's fools and other comic characters (Dogberry, Juliet's nurse, Bottom).

Two sitcom characters who used many malapropisms were Archie Bunker (All in the Family, U.S.) and Mrs. Slocombe (Are You Being Served, U.K.)

Bunker: "vagrant disregard for the law"

Slocombe: "The earth began as a soup, with little orgasms floating about in it."

(Not a malapropism, but I always loved Mrs. S. talking about her pussy.)

Perdita

 

[carsonshepherd]

My poor SO. I've been trying to break him of these two for three and a half years. He can't help it, I blame his mother.

"Physical year" (fiscal year)
"Medium" (the divider in the middle of the road)

 

[gauchecritic]

Nucular bombs

My mother had a habit of 'talking posh' by replacing the letter g with the letter d, t for k etc.

Reedle (for regal) Pittle (for pickle).

My most hated usage is the lazy 'th'

wiv.(with) frow.(throw)

A girl I worked with a long time ago used to threaten "I'll slit vee froit." (I'll slit thee throat)

I suspect an Egyptian Fit is akin to frothing at the mouth or epileptic seisure and as such is a euphamism rather than malapropism.


Gauche

 

[Vincent E]

(Not a malapropism, but I always loved Mrs. S. talking about her pussy.)

Perdita

"Mr. Akbar, could you do me a favor? Would you go over to my house, kneel in front of the front door, open the letterbox, and tell me if you can see my pussy?"

Malaprops from my family:
Those pretty red flowers that are popular at Christmas time are point setters.

A lunchtime meal consisting of meat placed between two pieces of bread is a sangwitch.

"If I'm not home by seven my pussy will be discontented all night long. And I am unanimous in that."

 

[Guest]

pussisms

Mrs. Slocombe:

"I inadvertantly dropped [some perfume] on my pussy and I had tomcats throwing themselves at my catflap all night."

"I hope this isn't going to take long. The last time I was late a fireman had to climb out of my window and risk his life on a narrow ledge trying to grab hold of my pussy."

pussy collection

 

[BlackShanglan]

My favorite seen in print - a student (alas, mine) who told me that a key focus of Romantic literature was "the wars that were between the nobles and the pheasants." Later, I learned that in the 1800's, factory owners "exploded" their workers (I believe "exploited" might have been the intended term). I also liked, for sheer incomprehensibility, "Shylock is crucified in a court of red herrings." I can just see the fish in the jury box.

In film, I loved the fabulous deliberate malaprop in "The Sopranos," when Tony irritably describes someone as: "God, he's like an albacore around my neck." We've adopted that one for household use.

Shanglan

 

[Guest]

Shanglan, my fave by Tone was his saying to Dr. Melfi: “You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.”

Perdita

 

[BlackShanglan]

Shanglan, my fave by Tone was his saying to Dr. Melfi: “You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.”

Ah, cheers, Perdita, for the reminder.

That is one of my favorite things about that character - the occasional howling misuse of language delivered in a perfectly serious tone. It's a nice touch. Some of the later episodes seem to drift in their focus, but in its best moments the series does an excellent job fleshing out the complexities of an intriguingly nasty yet human man. Of course, I admit bias - I've never quite been able to dislike him since he avenged Pie O' My with utterly appropriate ruthlessness One must encourage the defenders of equinity, however misguided they may be in other spheres of action.

Shanglan

 

[carsonshepherd]

I suspect an Egyptian Fit is akin to frothing at the mouth or epileptic seisure and as such is a euphamism rather than malapropism

Nah. The "MIL" means "conniption fit", which is something people have here in the American South. Means "in a tizzy" or some such.

This horrible mispronounciation of words is what happens when people don't read. I assume she knows how because she's always ordering shit off QVC, but who knows. She also has two pugs and can't figure out why they're so fat... maybe because they eat all the time...?

 

[BlackShanglan]

She also has two pugs and can't figure out why they're so fat... maybe because they eat all the time...?

But have we figured out the deeper question - why on earth she would have two pugs?

(Apologies to pug-lovers, which against all probability seem to exist.)

Shanglan

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Here are some mistakes that seem to be somewhat regional which the brilliant folks here in our Mayberryesque little town say:

Sequence for sequined, like, "My prom dress had purple and gold sequence."

Woof instead or wolf, like, "We seen some woofs at the zoo."

Argh!!!

Also, people tend to say "Wal-Mark" or "K-Marts" for the big department stores Wal-Mart and K-Mart. It's a minor complaint, I know, but it gets under my skin all the same.

I won't even get into the misuse of the words "was" and "seen".

 

[Xelebes]

Pasgetti

PASGETTI!

My sisters and my younger brother always had problems with saying when they were younger. Fond memories...

Anywho, we got anywho here.

 

[carsonshepherd]

But have we figured out the deeper question - why on earth she would have two pugs?

The same reason someone would have three german shepherd and two beagles... they're nucking futs.

 

[Guest]

malaprop and euphemism combined

PASGETTI!

I once took my 3 year old son to the park on a very hot day, he wore only a tee and shorts (w/o underpants). He was playing in the sandbox with several other kids his age and a little girl got up and came to tell me that my son's buzzgetti was hanging out. I'll never forget that, brings back the whole scene.

Perdita

 

[BlackShanglan]

Some regions of South Carolina are the home of the word "ink-pen." This term refers to what those of us in other parts of the world would simply call a "pen." The ingenious modification is necessary because in the local parlance, the words "pin" and "pen" are pronounced exactly the same - "pee-in" (2 syllables, stress on the first).

When, one fine day, a colleague of mine was at a teachers' conference at which the topic of phonetics was being discussed, the speaker pointed out that one had to pronounce and enunciate carefully in order to for students to learn well with phonics. Otherwise, she said jokingly, they will be confused when we pronounce p-i-n and p-e-n in the same way. Tragically, my friend said, roughly half that room looked blank and failed to grasp either the humor or the fact that the words are normally pronounced differently. More tragically, when she returned to her school and repeated the tale, the blank look rate rose to 80%.

Shanglan

 

[matriarch]

Not a mispronounciation, but a misunderstanding.

My youngest, at around age 11, came home from school after a Food Technology lesson (what the hell happened to plain old 'Cookery'?), and was confused with some instructions in a recipe they had been following.)

"Muuuu-uummmmmmm?" (you know the way they do, when they draw the word out, and you just know you are going to get a question that you either can't answer, or will embarrass the hell out of you. Or cost you money.)

"Um-hmmmmm?"

"What's an ozz?"

"What do you mean what's an ozz?"

"In the recipe it said ozzes and lebs. What are they?"

It took me a few seconds to realise what he was asking. And then a few more seconds to control myself and not laugh out loud. He's a boy of the metric age and pounds and ounces mean nothing to him.

Oz and lb. Ounce and pound.

Ever since then, its been a favourite story at those times when I feel evil enough to embarrass my 24 year old in front of girl friends.

lbs and oz's. *still chuckling at his voice*.

-----------------------------------

But...........if I had a pound (sterling not lb), for every time I have heard the word secretary, pronounced secetary........I would be a very rich woman, and not have to work or hear it again.

IT DRIVES ME NUTS! There's an 'R' in the word. See? See it there? Right in the damn middle of the word. S-E-C-R-E-T-A-R-Y.
Sec-re-tary.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

[TheWriter]

Excape instead of escape.

Axe instead of ask. (though I only hear this in American movies and TV)

Samwich instead of sandwich.

Orientate.

I fucking hate guard dogs!

Sorry.