The Missing Kink

[catservant]

How does one cope with a partner who's lost his or her taste for kink?

When my wife and I first started dating, and lasting into the first several years of our marriage, we both had very active sexual imaginations. I have some very specific turnons (the specifics aren't important, just know that they aren't unhealthy nor illegal) that with whom my wife was the first woman who I was able to share - and who didn't run screaming, so to speak.

However, fast forward to the present, and it seems that her sexual tastes have gone near 100% vanilla, while my kinky side is as strong as ever, if not stronger. While we do have sex on a regular basis (arguably, I'd like more, but doesn't every guy?), anything indulging my, um "extra needs" is rarely acknowledged, and if I ask it's almost always "maybe next time". This is from a still-sexy woman who used to volunteer her own kinks on a regular basis, and enthusiastically indulged mine as well. However, when asked why she doesn't want to do it anymore, the response is pretty much a denial - "oh, I still like to do that", but "not now". Pointing out the pattern doesn't change her stance either.

At one point I decided to run an experiment of sorts - I stopped mentioning kink completely, just to see if she would ever bring it up. She didn't...for months. When I finally brought it up, she got even more defensive - she actually claimed that since I hadn't asked for any "extras" that she thought I had gotten over my kinky needs as well. As you might expect, it wasn't a pleasant moment.

Of course, the problem now is that now that I *know* she has no interest anymore, I feel even worse about bringing it up, and even when she goes along at my insistence - with a small subset of our old menu that she considers the least "out there" - she can't even fake any enthusiasm for it, which pretty much kills it for me as well.

The *really* frustrating part here is, I don't think I had unreasonable expectations going into this marriage. It took me a long time to find someone with whom I felt compatible, not just sexually, but intellectually and emotionally, and I feel like that wonderful, smart, kinky woman has been taken away and replaced with an impostor.

So far my coping mechanisms have been a porn collection that would make Caligula blush, reading the Literotica boards, and fantasizing over the occasional local Craigslist ads. No, I haven't strayed from my marriage, but the temptation to get, um "professional help" is there - especially since I'd have a hard time starting an affair with someone else who can indulge my particular kinks. Hell, it was hard enough the first time.

I find myself vacillation between two different moods - one minute I feel like a deviant sex addict, who's so far gone he can't appreciate vanilla sex, and the next I'm angry at my wife for her inability to handle my needs like she used to. For the record, she's stayed fit and sexy over the years - it's just her tastes that have changed, which she can't admit to herself.

Thus ends this wonton tale of woe. Anyone else here experienced anything like this? Any advice besides "keep good backups of the /video directory"?

 

[SweetErika]

Have you asked her about finding a partner to indulge your specific kinks (and, yes, it would help to know what they are)? Maybe your wife wouldn't mind you indulging with a play partner periodically if she's not interested and you set some rules together.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

You don't really mention this so we don't really know...
1) how long you've been married (seems to be an ebb and flow to these things);
2) whether you are always initiating things in the same manner;
3) whether it's all about you and your needs and not enough about hers.

Maybe things are bit too predictable now. You might need to shake it up a bit. Do something different. Go somewhere different. Initiate something somewhere else.
Ask her about her desires/kinks. Maybe she has some but she's smothered them (for whatever reason).

I assume you've tried the usual: night out, flowers, get her drunk. When I feel pampered (a spa certificate really helps here) then I want to thank my man for it. Take her to a bed and breakfast for a weekend or something. Get her girlfiends to all go out one night to see some Chippendale dancers or something. You need to relight that fire - it was there, you said so (lucky guy, alot of men can't even make that statement).

If she is doing the same thing everyday: get up do A, then B, then C, then D...next day, do the same thing all over again. She probably needs a change of things. Not a lecture or a talk - actions speak louder than words. You've just added E to her list of things.

I am not saying it's your fault but you are saying that you are not having your needs met. There is a reason for that, especially if you were before.

Other possibilities: if she works, she might be under more stress; if you have kids, she could be frustrated/worried/overwhelmed with their upkeep (especially if we are talking about teenagers); her biological clock could have changed (this can be affected by diet among other things). (I think you get the idea.)

I would try to rekindle the homefront before I would look for kink outside. As you said, it was hard enough the first time around. You run the risk of losing her in the process of looking for some kink elsewhere.

I am assume that if you have enough imagination to be kink-oriented, then you need to apply that imagination to rekindling. Rumor is that the second fire is better than the first.

Good luck to you.

 

[silverwhisper]

catservant, you've gotten some good input already. the only thing i can add: is it possible that she feels the kink somehow is less intimate than vanilla sex? when it was new to both of you, it was exciting and something you could share...but perhaps now, it's come to form something old & familiar?

you're right that this is an irreconcilable issue and her response, that she thought you "got over it", strikes me unfair to you.

ed

 

[old_scratch]

How does one cope with a partner who's lost his or her taste for kink?

Anyone else here experienced anything like this? Any advice besides "keep good backups of the /video directory"?

It sounds like your wife has become complacent in her marriage to you, which is not uncommon after years of marriage. Unfortunately, there is rarely a cure.

When you meet and start dating a woman who has lived a vanilla lifestyle up to that point in her life, and she excitedly gets onboard with your lifestyle, (or kinks); after a number of years, she will often revert back to her old vanilla lifestyle. There are a number of reasons why she may do this. She may think: “been there, done that, and it’s not exciting anymore”, or more likely, OK, I indulged your kinks when we were younger, but now we are older and you need to grow-up and live our life like I want. Whatever her thinking, there really is no way to fix it.

When this is the case, basically, you have three options, none of which are good.

1. You can give-in and put your sexual needs/kinks aside, and live your life like your wife wants. This option is pretty much what she has you doing now.

2. You can have a secret life outside of your marriage, (with or without your wife’s knowledge or approval), and find a woman who will enjoy sharing your needs/kinks. Rarely will a wife go for this option; however, sometimes they do.

3. You can divorce your wife and find another woman who will enjoy sharing your needs/kinks. Keep in mind, if you do choose divorce, and the divorce turns nasty, (such as a custody battle), she will use everything she knows about you as a weapon. And the story she tells in family court is going to sound a lot different than it did in the bedroom.

As I said, there are no really good options.

When a woman begins a relationship, she is eager to please her man, and will enthusiastically get involved with the activities he likes; however, when she becomes bored with those activities, she will revert back to who she was before they met. Once a woman becomes complacent in a marriage, rarely will they ever change.

The most insane thing is: if you and your wife were to divorce, the next guy she hooks-up with, she will most likely indulge his kinks, and love them, at least until she becomes bored with them.

Sorry I can't suggest a fourth option.

 

[Mandywolf]

...It took me a long time to find someone with whom I felt compatible, not just sexually, but intellectually and emotionally, and I feel like that wonderful, smart, kinky woman has been taken away and replaced with an impostor.

you say you matched NOT just sexually but intellectually and emotionally, putting the bedroom fantasy aside for a second, have these other two things changed? aside from the kinks, is she less intimate/loving or less intellectually stimulating to talk to?

If these other aspects have changed it could be symptoms of a larger issue, if how ever she's still the smart and warm girl you married minus the kinky side, her tastes may have changed, without the specifics of the kinks (which I for one can completely understand you not wanting to share) I'm not sure how much anyone outside of the relationship can help.

I guess it also comes down to: kinky sex aside, is she still worth spending your life with? (another way to put it is: did you marry her for the kinky sex or the emotional and intellectual relationship, two of these three things won't fade with age and time..)