The making of Lands English Sonnet

[_Land]

Well, this is a serious challenge indeed, so I thought I would let you all see the progress, as I struggle to make this thing work.
*wondering if I have to have my Iambs inspected*
I do enjoy the form, but meter and me well I am white and I gots no rythm. LOL, this here is the first thing I wrote. feel free to comment... this will undergo severe surgery over the next week or two.....I will also post the parameters of my challenge.
It is interesting to see what a person goes through to make there poem "right" so now you will have the opportunity to see the stages I got through in "writing a poem" so with out further rambling here is the first draft of My English Sonnet



I would that you could fall in love with me
As light does chase your warm and charming smile
Gold rays surround your angelic beauty
Staring across the room at you worth while

In song I put my heart, my soul felt plea
Chirping songbirds back up, for my own style
Blue green your eyes seek more expectantly
That look you give well worth an extra mile

I do declare my love, for you I pine
I long to feel your lips, soft moist kissing
Embraced your heart beating right next to mine
Come love and see what we have been missing


We rise and meet in the middle to Dance
To celebrate our new kindled romance




Here was the Challenge


Scenario: You are naked, sitting in a white room on a large comfortable bed. In fact, it is the most comfortable bed you've ever been on. It fits you to a "t." The room is filled with warmth and sunshine, birds are singing outside and you are filled with a peaceful sensation. At one with the world, as it were.

You are not alone. Sitting across from you is your perfect companion, bathed in sunlight on an equally large comfortable bed. She is radiant, happy and also naked. She is watching you, expectant with what you may say to her.

The challenge: Carefully choosing the perfect things to communicate to her with the perfect words, entice the beauty sitting across from you to fall in love with you. Write these powerful phrases in the form of an English Sonnet, dedicated to that perfect companion.

Get lost in the scenario first, write down what you see and feel, then take your time to write and rewrite.

I think you have a unique gift for this which will result in something quite wonderful

 

[JUDO]

Well, this is a serious challenge indeed, so I thought I would let you all see the progress, as I struggle to make this thing work.
*wondering if I have to have my Iambs inspected*
I do enjoy the form, but meter and me well I am white and I gots no rythm. LOL, this here is the first thing I wrote. feel free to comment... this will undergo severe surgery over the next week or two.....I will also post the parameters of my challenge.
It is interesting to see what a person goes through to make there poem "right" so now you will have the opportunity to see the stages I got through in "writing a poem" so with out further rambling here is the first draft of My English Sonnet



I would that you could fall in love with me
As light does chase your warm and charming smile
Gold rays surround your angelic beauty
Staring across the room at you worth while

In song I put my heart, my soul felt plea
Chirping songbirds back up, for my own style
Blue green your eyes seek more expectantly
That look you give well worth an extra mile

I do declare my love, for you I pine
I long to feel your lips, soft moist kissing
Embraced your heart beating right next to mine
Come love and see what we have been missing


We rise and meet in the middle to Dance
To celebrate our new kindled romance




Here was the Challenge


Scenario: You are naked, sitting in a white room on a large comfortable bed. In fact, it is the most comfortable bed you've ever been on. It fits you to a "t." The room is filled with warmth and sunshine, birds are singing outside and you are filled with a peaceful sensation. At one with the world, as it were.

You are not alone. Sitting across from you is your perfect companion, bathed in sunlight on an equally large comfortable bed. She is radiant, happy and also naked. She is watching you, expectant with what you may say to her.

The challenge: Carefully choosing the perfect things to communicate to her with the perfect words, entice the beauty sitting across from you to fall in love with you. Write these powerful phrases in the form of an English Sonnet, dedicated to that perfect companion.

Get lost in the scenario first, write down what you see and feel, then take your time to write and rewrite.

I think you have a unique gift for this which will result in something quite wonderful

Hmmm... Feels undoubtedly inspired by a nameless someone. Some nice words, _L, but as always, let's talk meter. And you can throw away the "white man's" excuse.

Here's the meter I see (in bold):

I would that you could fall in love with me (good)
As light does chase your warm and charming smile (lovely)
Gold rays surround your angelic beauty (awkward)
Staring across the room at you worth while (bad start, awkward)

In song I put my heart, my soul felt plea (good)
Chirping songbirds back up, for my own style (bad start, awkward)
Blue green your eyes seek more expectantly (not bad)
That look you give well worth an extra mile (good)

I do declare my love, for you I pine (good)
I long to feel your lips, soft moist kissing (good start, awkward end)
Embraced your heart beating right next to mine (awkward)
Come love and see what we have been missing (awkward)


We rise and meet in the middle to Dance (awkward)
To celebrate our new kindled romance (awkward)


Some of the lines flow well, while others have a word or two within them that make them stumble.

Other questions I would ask myself:
Is 'worth while' one word?
Is 'blue green' hyphenated?
Why is "chase" a good word to describe what the light does with her smile?
Is 'soul felt' hyphenated?
Why is 'kindled' a good word to use here?

Once it's all said and done, create some punctuation.

* * *

Nice start, Father Dirt.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

Ok here is the tinkering so far

note these ar just some minor changes, im not done just what i got done today.................so you can see what i go through to get a submitable poem...... Thanks for the chalenge Judo, i think i have much improved the last couplet at some point i will even get to punctuation!







I would that you could fall in love with me
As light does chase your warm and charming smile
halo's of gold surround your angelic being(not done)
the view across the room at you worthwhile

In song I put my heart, my soul-felt plea
Chirping songbirds back up, for my own style (this is bad)
Blue-green your eyes seek more expectantly
That look you give well worth an extra mile

I do declare my love, for you I pine
I long to feel your lips, soft moist kiss
Embraced, your heart will beat right next to mine
Come love and see what we cant afford to miss (still working)


We take our time in light of circumstance
To kindle flames of passion, found romance

 

[JUDO]

Nice work, Land. The ideas are good ones, just look for other ways to arrange the words you have and you'll likely get what you are looking for, although, the 'backup bird singers' are tough. lol.

It often helps me to picture the scene in my mind's eye that the line describes and look for the essence (what's important about it) of what I want to convey from that image.

* * *

Also, for meter, here's a worthwhile check I outlined in the Sonnet thread: If the words bearing the accents are seperated from the line and still get the line's point across, then likely the meter is well done.

Example:

Upon night's trembling hour, she calls for me.

Upon trembling hour calls me.

* * *

And, you're right, the new couplet is much improved.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

I remember someone asking how a poem is made, andi thought by posting my poen in certain changes would allow one to see how "I" go about making a poem......the Sonnett is a good form to look at because it takes lots of tinkering I have lots of stuff to change yet, but need to leaveit alone for a spell, perhaps tonight i will get some more done on it.

 

[Rybka]

What's with all the typo errors?

I remember someone asking how a poem is made, andi thought by posting my poen in certain changes would allow one to see how "I" go about making a poem......the Sonnett is a good form to look at because it takes lots of tinkering I have lots of stuff to change yet, but need to leaveit alone for a spell, perhaps tonight i will get some more done on it.

_Land my friend, Are you drinking already? - Hey, I have just started, but it is 5 pm here!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[_Land]

OK I think my peter is measured out, ermmmm meter

Judo, could you check my peter, ermmmm meter i mean, slightly dislexic today.

Here are the curent changes, not sure if im happy with it yet or not, let me know what ya all think.





I would that you could fall in love with me
As light does chase your warm and charming smile
halo's of gold surround you, angelic, free
the view across the room at you worthwhile

In song I put my heart, my soul-felt plea
an ode to your amazing grace and style
Blue-green your eyes seek more expectantly
That look you give well worth an extra mile

I do declare my love, for you I pine
I long to feel your lips, soft moist kiss
Embraced, your heart will beat right next to mine
Come love and see that we cant run amiss


We take our time in light of circumstance
To kindle flames of passion, found romance

 

[JUDO]

Re: OK I think my peter is measured out, ermmmm meter

Judo, could you check my peter, ermmmm meter i mean, slightly dislexic today.

Here are the curent changes, not sure if im happy with it yet or not, let me know what ya all think.

I would that you could fall in love with me (good)
As light does chase your warm and charming smile
halo's of gold surround you, angelic, free (awkward)
the view across the room at you worthwhile (good)

In song I put my heart, my soul-felt plea (good)
an ode to your amazing grace and style (good)
Blue-green your eyes seek more expectantly (good)
That look you give well worth an extra mile (good)

I do declare my love, for you I pine (good)
I long to feel your lips soft moist kiss (good)
Embraced, your heart will beat right next to mine (good)
Come, love and see that we can't run amiss (good)


We take our time in light of circumstance (good)
To kindle flames of passion, found romance (good)

-------

How about "and romance?" Also, twice you state the worth of the woman sitting across from you, but it is not the worth of the world, or your life, or all the tea in China. I was wondering if this love of your life would really be swayed by your declarations of her worth?

Think about that and start adding some real punctuation.

Seems as thought your peter meter is working pretty well now. Perhaps this sonnet was just the 'poetic viagra' you needed. Just rev up the boy and finish, and don't peter out on us now. lol.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

I really should finish this.........................

 

[_Land]

Please crit and help with punctuation

I would that you could fall in love with me
As light does chase your warm and charming smile
gold halo aloft, angelic and free
the view across the room at you worthwhile

In song I put my heart, my soul-felt plea
an ode to your amazing grace and style
Blue-green your eyes seek more expectantly
That look you give, well paid by extra mile

I do declare my love, for you I pine
I long to feel your lips soft moist kiss
Embraced, your heart will beat right next to mine
Come, love and see that we can't run amiss


We take our time in light of circumstance
To kindle flames of passion, and romance

 

[_Land]

Please crit and help with punctuation

I would that you could fall in love with me
As light does chase your warm and charming smile
gold halo aloft, angelic and free
the view across the room at you worthwhile

In song I put my heart, my soul-felt plea
an ode to your amazing grace and style
Blue-green your eyes seek more expectantly
That look you give, well paid by extra mile

I do declare my love, for you I pine
I long to feel your lips soft moist kiss
Embraced, your heart will beat right next to mine
Come, love and see that we can't run amiss


We take our time in light of circumstance
To kindle flames of passion, and romance

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I can't quite get my head around stanza three I think it's the 'for you I pine' which seems pushed in to make the rhyme and ends up a bit yoda speak and the last line of that stanza too, probably my fault that as I don't really get the meaning of run amiss