The Make-Up Surprise

[Sapphire_Jewel]

From: Valarie371 (Original Message) Sent: 5/6/2007 8:43 AM

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The Make- Up Surprise


My boyfriend and I sometimes don't see eye to eye on things .Like politics , for instance ,is a subject I try to avoid ,with him, at all times. He is an one sided Republican, and I am open minded liberal , not saying I don't like republicans, I just like what I feel , something Rob could never understand .
There was another Bush interruption and I sighed ,
in a not again sorta way. Rob, which then gave me another lecture about republicans and hippie liberals like me. He gets so frustrated when I don't agree with him he takes it as I am not intelligent because I don't agree and I take it as me having my own opinion so topics such as these, get heated up ,as much if not more ,as our fiery passion and love we have for each other. This night in particular, I was getting totally infuriated with him and I needed to get away for a minute. so wearing nothing but a tan flowered silk robe he had bought for me, I walk out to the pool. He had bought me a puppy which we kept at his house , A sheepdog, named fluffy. When I slammed the glass door to the pool shut , fluffy came over to me just as tears were beginning to show, fluffy licked my face and I giggled letting my feet dangle inside the moonlit pool. I waited with fluffy , for what seemed like a lifetime, thinking that he must really be mad this time, Feeling pretty sorry for myself because this might mean he might go to bed early and I wont be getting sex .
Inside, at his computer he is about to close out and go make up to me , when this girl contacts him through yahoo messenger.
It was some sexy brunette we met at a bar in St Pete on one of our nights out. He is curious, because he remembers me telling him, one night when he was playing pool with her that I thought she was hot and fantasized what it would be like for us to invite her to join us. They start talking, and she thought it was a great way to apologize after a big fight so they start planning the special surprise.
Meanwhile , I am getting more frustrated by the minute,my heart feels I should say I am sorry but I am stubborn and I feel he is the one who owes me the apology .I just sit there finding a good station on the clock radio he had kept at poolside. Still dangling my feet watching the full moon. He knew the trip from St. Pete to Bradenton will take a bit because we had made that trip plenty of times before. He puts on his shoes and grabs his keys yelling at me he's going to the store he'll be back in a bit, I yelled back , an
"Ok hurry back", wondering why he was going to the store during letterman, He never even gets up during that show.

I take my robe off dive in the pool. The warm water cascades over my body as it crashes ripples of waves from my dive.
I start swimming hard to get frustrations out, Coming to Robs House is supposed to be my sanctuary I hate when we argue over dumb shit when we are together. I start going faster in my strokes until I come up gasping for air.
Swimming is how I like to relax after a big fight Water somehow calms me down.
I suddenly remember the hidden peace pipe his roommate left me I take a few hits on it realizing I need to
loosen up before Rob gets back.
Meanwhile , Rob is buying some liquor and mixers, along with 5 dozen roses. He thinks its dumb to buy roses for what he is going to be using them for but he feels he needs me to understand how he feels about me , and would do anything in the world , with reason he could. He needs me to know I am not just anybody, and that he does listen.
When he gets back he checks on me , this time I'm swimming in the pool, he stops a moment, smiles, and thinking to himself , that this is the woman of my dreams and how beautiful she looks naked in the moonlight, water against her velvety skin. He then hollers at me from inside that he is making me a drink , and that he would be right out.
Once he hands me the drink he grins and says that
"I had better drink up , I am going to need it. "
I am now thinking good least he isn't mad at me any longer so I take a big swig out of my drink.
Inside, he is chilling the butterscotch schnapps , what we always use when we play for fun. And tearing up the rose petals across the middle of the bed . Lighting the rose candles I had bought for him , trying so hard to remember my likes, he turns the radio on to soft music in the background. I hear the doorbell, but thinking it was just Norton , Rob's roommate locking himself out again, not paying any attention. He sneaks the girl past me quickly , and leads her to the bedroom requesting her to rover her clothing and get comfortable while he gets me. She isn't nervous to his surprise but knowing me like he does , he knows I will be so he takes some of the schnapps out with him .
"How are you feeling ? "he asks, handing me the bottle of schnapps ,
encouraging me to drink up.
After a few swigs he takes my hand and help me out of the pool to pull me in for a big passionate kiss , as he towel dries me.
He looks me in the eyes and says
"Jessie don't you know how I feel about you by now, I know I don't know how to always show you. I do hear you when you speak , and I would give you what you want as long it is in reason . "
He then told me he had a surprise for me, and led me in the house to the closed bedroom door. I hear music and smile, I have no clue what he's up to but so far I am pretty excited I slowly open the door and look in with big eyes. I see a naked sexy woman lying in the middle of the bed in a patch of what looks and smells like rose petals. I look surprised but smiling as I look up to him, trying to see if what I was seeing was real or not.
"Jesse, Happy Mother's Day," he says.
"Even though I cannot give you what you want I know that this would be next best thing. I do know your deepest fantasies
and will always try to give them to you. "He promised .
With that he then tells me to go enjoy,my fantasy. I walk over to her,run my fingers through her hair as I start kissing her.
He starts to dive in to her sweet young pussy getting it nice and juicy for me. I am in this sexy kiss with this hot brunette and we are playing with each others titties as we kiss rubbing them together my nipples are standing at attention as she bites down on one I am watching Rob go at her pussy and feel her reach down my sopping wet pussy.
I start to moan with pleasure as she start frigging my clit and jamming two then three fingers deep in my pussy I start to ride her hand as Rob gets the motorboat going we are going wild. I can't take it any longer I need to taste myself. I go over to ob and pull him in to a kiss I wanted to taste her pussy juice in my Rob's mouth.
He guides my head to her hot spot encouraging me to taste the sweet nectar of another woman . With little encouraging , I bent over in between her thighs , inhaling the aroma of her sweet pussy,
I start kissing her thighs, working my way up to the heat of her passion burning , waiting for my virgin tongue to taste all she had to offer.
I touch the hairless pussy lips and hungrily wanting more start to lick the slit of her sweet pussy loving the heat on my tongue tasting the sweet nectars of her eroticisms . I know realize what I had been missing, I take my mouth and devour her making sure my tongue never missed a spot taking my tongue and sticking it deep inside her tight pussy. I know I am in heaven, when I feel his breath upon my own wet pussy . I inch closer with your mouth as I suck and moan inside hers, Rob is so turned on he starts to gobble and worship my pussy as, he watches for the first time , me eating my first one. I buck wildly into his mouth as I fervently work on lapping all the mysterious woman had to give me. She cums in my mouth as she does i start cumminng hard , like a fountain, Rob making sure to guzzle every drop of the sweet dew I had.


We realize, that he was being left out so together we guide him in the middle of us and we each grab a side of him and star kissing and licking our way down to his hardness. we look in each others eyes as we both start licking down his shaft down to his balls.. we each take a ball and put it inside our mouths while sucking them I run my fingers around the head of Robs cock and feel it twitching in my hand as she keeps licking and sucking his balls. I start to give him a blow job moving my mouth up and down deep then holding then moving slowly letting him feel my tongue making him harder , then trading places with the girl. Licking his balls down his ass kissing his ass as she is blowing him . he starts to cum in her mouth and surprisingly she holds it and pulls up lets me get some of his cum and then she kisses me we swap his cum as we kiss. I look at Rob and go no way you are getting away with not tasting this , so she and I take turns kissing him and swapping his cum with him now we are sharing all of our juices and it is making us horny again. So he lies me down and starts making love to me. As he goes in and out her tongue is in the middle of it all so now not only do I feel my sexy man making love to me but I feel as she licks his cock and my pussy as he does. This is so freaking unbelievable. It brings us all to the brink of yet, another big explosions. She hurries and sticks her pussy in my face and cum's in my mouth I hold it when Rob cum's and then eats his cum out of my pussy and we swap with kisses again . we fuck all night long until we fall asleep lying entwined together. When we wake up , the girl is gone, but we have the memories of last night's happenings .
Rob winks at me and asks if I finally get it?
I look up at him and go
"What do you think? "as I climb aboard his recent hard on
for an early morning fuck section before we get up to go our separate ways.
I know now how he feels, and even though we cannot have the traditional love we have a love that will last a lifetime for we know in our souls we love trust and appreciate each other for an eternity.
As Always,
Sapphire

 

[cloudy]

My eyes! My eyes!

Seriously - I don't know if English is your first language or not, but that is truly, truly bad. The paragraphs are so long as to make them nearly unreadable, you have sentence fragments and run-on sentences galore, and your grammar is horrendous. You also switch back and forth between present and past tense. There are elements that have nothing whatsoever to do with the story.

My boyfriend and I sometimes don't see eye to eye on things .[it is customary to put the space AFTER the period, not before]Like politics ,[likewise, no space before a comma] for instance ,is a subject I try to avoid ,with him, at all times. He is an one sided Republican, and I am open minded liberal , not saying I don't like republicans, I just like what I feel , something Rob could never understand .[none of this had diddley-squat to do with moving the story along. At this point I would have back-clicked]

There was another Bush interruption and I sighed , [why the spaces BEFORE the commas, and the weird line breaks?]
in a not again sorta way[just really bad use of language - it sounds like something a 13-year-old would say to her friend]. Rob, which ["who"] then gave me another lecture about republicans and hippie liberals like me.[another sentence fragment, and it makes absolutely no sense]

That was all I could handle....sorry.

 

[Masterofsmiles]

If it makes you happy..

then keep writing. Doesn't matter what others think to be honest.

Opinions are like "A holes" everyones got one.

One suggestion that might help you. If you have a favorite author , look over their works. Get a grasp of their writing style and adapt it to your writings. Tweak it so it is still your own voice.

Remember what Stephen King wrote in his book "On Writing" Second draft equals First draft with less poof. By this he means "Can 1 word replace 3 words?"

Believe it or not everyone I do edit my documents, instead of cuff writing like i do when I post questions

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Sapphire, welcome.

Cloudy is right, despite there being a skeleton of a story here, no-one is going to get to the end without clicking out. Cloudy looked at the opening, but it does continue.

When he gets back he checks on me ,[no space or comma after ‘me’, add ‘and’] this time I'm swimming in the pool,[no comma and insert ‘so’] he stops a moment, smiles, and thinking [to himself , that – Delete(you always think to yourself] this [I am] the woman of my [his] dreams and how beautiful she looks [look] naked in the moonlight, water against her [my] velvety skin. He then hollers at me from inside that he is making me a drink , [no space before the coma] and that he would be right out. [para break]
Once he hands me the drink he grins and says that [delete ‘that’, add comma and remove line break]
"I had better drink up , I am going to need it. " [no spaces and para break]

This needs serious attention before posting.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

My seeing-eye dog went blind too

If you really want us to struggle through this, proof read the thing first and make some corrections.

Does this story actually go anywhere?

 

[writelove]

I too had trouble with the paras and run-on sentences. Some of it may have been the way a text file gets transposed onto the web page of this site. I would suggest previewing the piece before clicking "submit." Add an extra line between paragraphs.

If the problem isn't the preview, I would suggest breaking up the paras into smaller units so it is more readable. The sentences also should not be two sentences in one. Also, remove extra words that don't add anything.

The following sentences are examples of this run-on kind of technique that you use.

The following should be:
Like politics , for instance, is a subject I try to avoid at all times. He is a one sided Republican, and I am an open minded liberal. It's not that I despise Republicans, I just have a different opinion. Rob could never understand such a free thinking attitude.

Like politics , for instance ,is a subject I try to avoid ,with him, at all times. He is an one sided Republican, and I am open minded liberal , not saying I don't like republicans, I just like what I feel , something Rob could never understand .

This next one I won't try to fix, but hopefully you will get the idea.

He gets so frustrated when I don't agree with him he takes it as I am not intelligent because I don't agree and I take it as me having my own opinion so topics such as these, get heated up ,as much if not more ,as our fiery passion and love we have for each other.

I would suggest cleaning up your work and then post again for more feedback. It's hard to give any more suggestions until that happens.

 

[cloudy]

In regaurds [it's spelled "regards"] to your reply on The make up surprise you know It was my first attempt to ["at" not "to"] writing a story . [no space before the period, sweets, and sentences begin with a capital letter. I believe they cover this in first grade] are you so fucked up and obviously so insecure about yourself that instead of reading a nice sexy story [whoever told you it was a "nice sexy story" lied to you. As far as being insecure goes - BAHAHAHA!] and making some constructional ["constructive" - "constructional" isn't a word] comments to help a beginner out that [the word "that" is inappropriate grammar. Just delete it, and inserta comma after the word "out"] you just totally demolish it ..[What are two periods doing here? You only need one, and if you were trying to use an ellipse, then it's not only inappropriate usage, but you'd need three periods, and not two] I think you need a life and definately some good sex , then maybe you wont be too quick to judge.....[As if I give a shit what you think, puh-lease. Again, an ellipse is three periods, not five, and it's use is inappropriate here, anyway]
I dont [there's an apostrophe in the word "don't." I believe they teach that in first grade also] mind critisim if it is helpful and useful [there should be a comma after "useful"]but i ["I" is a personal pronoun, and should be capitalized.] can not stand total rudeness [there should be a period after "rudeness" and no space between the last "s" and the period. And the y in "you" should be capitalized] you can take your comments and go get laid [there should be a period after "laid." And my comments don't get me laid - my intelligence does.]

How's that for "useful," darlin'?

 

[FatDino]

How's that for "useful," darlin'?

Shhh, *whispering* you skipped a few missing commas and typos.

 

[cloudy]

Shhh, *whispering* you skipped a few missing commas and typos.

I know, but she made me tired.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

OMG!! I think I'm having a stroke I'm laughing so hard.

 

[christabelll]

MEWOOOOOWWWWW

Go Cloudy.

Okay I did try.
I got about an inch down the page.
It was agonizing.
For a newbie, which you seem to be, you need to get your grammar and spelling up to par - word will help. But only if you actually use it. Oh there is this - you have to know how to spell to use it. And, yes you have to have some idea of what grammar is.
Drat.
Okay, I tried again.
Nope, it ain't gonna werkferme.
Keep trying.
You might actually come up with something that doesn't cause brain bleeds to read.

And then you could ignore everyone and try to get it published as is. Here? Guaranteed rejection. Just warning ya' hon.

Good Luck and mind your manners, you asked and you received - be grateful they even looked - let alone tried to give you even if fantastically sarcastic constructive advice.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

MEWOOOOOWWWWW

Go Cloudy.

Okay I did try.
I got about an inch down the page.
It was agonizing.
For a newbie, which you seem to be, you need to get your grammar and spelling up to par - word will help. But only if you actually use it. Oh there is this - you have to know how to spell to use it. And, yes you have to have some idea of what grammar is.
Drat.
Okay, I tried again.
Nope, it ain't gonna werkferme.
Keep trying.
You might actually come up with something that doesn't cause brain bleeds to read.

And then you could ignore everyone and try to get it published as is. Here? Guaranteed rejection. Just warning ya' hon.

Good Luck and mind your manners, you asked and you received - be grateful they even looked - let alone tried to give you (even if sarcastic) constructive advice.

OMG, Christabell... I so want to lick your AV

 

[cloudy]

Good Luck and mind your manners, you asked and you received - be grateful they even looked - let alone tried to give you even if fantastically sarcastic constructive advice.

Isn't it amazing when they ask for advice, and then get all pissy when they get it?

I suppose I could have said "OMG! ur storie made me cum sooooooooooo hard!!!!!!!!!!!" but that wouldn't have been "useful," now, would it?



*all misspellings are purely intentional

 

[christabelll]

Oh You tease!
I would give just about anything to be licked right now...

 

[christabelll]

ummm
It might have been useful if only to bring the, um, writer, yeah right, into synaptic failure mode.


LOLOLOL

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Oh You tease!
I would give just about anything to be licked right now...

Hint: I'm available




Thread Jacks are reserved only for the most obnoxious (and others)

 

[christabelll]

when, where, now, here, christ, breathe, damn!