"The Love of a Huntsman" Need feedback, critique

[SensitiveSuccubus]

Hi all,

I can't seem to get any responses to my story "The Love of a Huntsman." Please give it a look and vote/critique. It's in the romance section and is part of a fairy tale ( of sorts).

Thanks, gang.

 

[Fairytat]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=17865

Nice take on "Snow White," alot like the actual fairy tales. Many people don't know that the fairy tales we read to our children today have been sanitized of violence, rape, incest, etc because the tales were originally written for adults. Very well written.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Good story, I liked it - although I wish it didn't end there!

The description was very good, the characterisation was good, the writing was fluent bar a few mistakes here and there and overall a magical experience all round.

I would add a word of criticism. Some of the way you attempted to add an Olde Worlde feel to the language was a little clumsy at times. For example:

"I am spread wide from their rods, sir. You will find easy into which to dip."

Historical fiction when written by amateurs can sound cheesy - yours escaped most of that, I would say, but in instances such as the one mentioned above, you slipped into it. I'm not saying I'm correct, but when I write historical fiction I generally just make characters speak in a fairly normal way - apart from the removal of obviously modern slang. If you wanted it to be truly authentic, you'd need to make it read like Chaucer, which is never going to work. So I think you have to be careful you don't make it sound like a load of schoolkids attempting to put on a Shakespeare play!

Anyway, I think the reason you didn't get so many responses to this piece was that it was in the Romance section, and in my experience, historical fiction doesn't get much of a response either at literotica. But keep going! I for one enjoyed this one.



Max.

 

[SensitiveSuccubus]

Thank you both!

Max, yeah the verbal flourishes can be overdone, i think it's particularly awkward beause the second sentence should read:

You will find "me" easy in which to dip.

I know, that isn't much better. I try to avoid ending sentences with prepositions, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hopefully the story stands, although since I've posted this message the voting has tanked. Eek.

Thanks again.

 

[SensitiveSuccubus]

Oh, there are supposed to be further additions to the story, what happens after she escapes and the chase to find her.

I am considering them.