Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2000
- Posts
- 3,089
KrunkGirl,
In general, I liked this story. I think it’s above average from what I generally see here.
The title is great and vampires are very sexy. I think you did a good job describing everything in a vital chilling, yet hot, way. I appreciate the conflict you had between the characters. Conflict is important in a story, and yet, I feel like you didn’t develop things enough. I ended up feeling, oh, a little disappointed. (Sorry!)
First, I had some minor, probably inconsequential, comments:
I wondered what Justin's “equipment problems” were. What was that? I never found out.
When he turns her into a vampire, that’s a great scene. When he sucks all of her blood out, you only devoted one sentence to it, and I think because of the importance of the act to the story, it deserved more.
They seem to have a long standing relationship, but he says, “Don’t ever do that. I make the first move.” That seems like something she would already have known.
“Between the loss of blood and the energy of her orgasm, he usually let her fall asleep. This time she rolled over to face him and opened her eyes.” – This is a little contradictory. HE let her fall asleep, but SHE is the one who’s staying awake.
Now, to the more important questions I had while I read and afterward:
Why does the fact that he loves her mean he has to kill her? Why is their present relationship unsatisfactory?
“Lori's sobs became harder. She knew no other life without Justin. He had become her keeper a year earlier. Since then, she only lived to please him.
"Justin, if you leave me, I will kill myself. You may as well do it yourself."” –-- What kind of life did she have before he became her keeper? I really wanted to know so I could understand why she was so willing to DIE if he left her. That's a pretty drastic reaction. Because this didn’t make sense to me, it made it hard for me to believe/understand why she loved him. Did he save her from some horrible life in the streets, an abusive father, etc.?
Justin talks about immortality being pain and suffering, but he never goes into detail about it. The way he talks about it makes it seem as if he and Lori never really discussed it, so I think you needed to do that here. On the other hand, if they’ve been keeper and kept for a whole year, I would think they’d have done some talking about this, especially if they have been falling in love.
These motivational questions kept me from really feeling that “Gosh, that was a GREAT story” sort of fulfillment when I was done. I didn’t really believe that they were truly in love, and so when they are finally “lovers” at the end, I didn’t get the payoff. It felt like I was coming into the story mid-stream, like I had missed a bunch of important stuff.
HOWEVER, I did enjoy the story. I always enjoy reading something beyond the norm here at Literotica. I especially appreciate someone who knows how to write a complete sentence and use quotation marks correctly! (It’s the teacher in me.) Keep up the good work. I mean it!
In general, I liked this story. I think it’s above average from what I generally see here.
First, I had some minor, probably inconsequential, comments:
I wondered what Justin's “equipment problems” were. What was that? I never found out.
When he turns her into a vampire, that’s a great scene. When he sucks all of her blood out, you only devoted one sentence to it, and I think because of the importance of the act to the story, it deserved more.
They seem to have a long standing relationship, but he says, “Don’t ever do that. I make the first move.” That seems like something she would already have known.
“Between the loss of blood and the energy of her orgasm, he usually let her fall asleep. This time she rolled over to face him and opened her eyes.” – This is a little contradictory. HE let her fall asleep, but SHE is the one who’s staying awake.
Now, to the more important questions I had while I read and afterward:
Why does the fact that he loves her mean he has to kill her? Why is their present relationship unsatisfactory?
“Lori's sobs became harder. She knew no other life without Justin. He had become her keeper a year earlier. Since then, she only lived to please him.
"Justin, if you leave me, I will kill myself. You may as well do it yourself."” –-- What kind of life did she have before he became her keeper? I really wanted to know so I could understand why she was so willing to DIE if he left her. That's a pretty drastic reaction. Because this didn’t make sense to me, it made it hard for me to believe/understand why she loved him. Did he save her from some horrible life in the streets, an abusive father, etc.?
Justin talks about immortality being pain and suffering, but he never goes into detail about it. The way he talks about it makes it seem as if he and Lori never really discussed it, so I think you needed to do that here. On the other hand, if they’ve been keeper and kept for a whole year, I would think they’d have done some talking about this, especially if they have been falling in love.
These motivational questions kept me from really feeling that “Gosh, that was a GREAT story” sort of fulfillment when I was done. I didn’t really believe that they were truly in love, and so when they are finally “lovers” at the end, I didn’t get the payoff. It felt like I was coming into the story mid-stream, like I had missed a bunch of important stuff.
HOWEVER, I did enjoy the story. I always enjoy reading something beyond the norm here at Literotica. I especially appreciate someone who knows how to write a complete sentence and use quotation marks correctly! (It’s the teacher in me.) Keep up the good work. I mean it!
