the importance - or not? - of physical attraction

[Guest]

the postings i have read on other topics have been so thoughtful and astute that i thought i would write in with a question of my own. the question is this....
i have been with my lover for 4 years and in the last couple of years he has completely let himself go. i am talking here about physical stuff - looks, hygiene, the whole nine yards. he is quite a bit older than myself and i worry that even though we are compatible (very) intellectually and otherwise i am completely losing interest in him sexually because of this. is there hope in a relationship if the physical attraction is gone? and what can be done to bring it back?

 

[Michael]

Tessa, we all know that people can "click" romantically and sexually to begin with even if they win no prizes in the looks department. But for someone--man or woman--to start out appealing to their partner and then just "let themselves go" is another matter.

In that case, your capacity to love "the person inside" is not what's at stake, nor is your character on trial. The other person has "changed the rules," whether he meant to or not. He is not presenting himself to you as the person you were first attracted to. Under those circumstances, you should not feel you have a one-sided obligation to continue to feel something for him, no matter what.

But that is not to say you just want to be cold; obviously, you don't feel that way, or you wouldn't have written this. Perhaps your lover is depressed. Was his corporation downsized? You say he is quite a bit older than you. Did one of his parents die recently, or is one of them gravely ill? Is your lover suffering from a medical problem of some sort? Has some circumstance come up that has made him feel less of a worthwhile person than he once did?

Any of these things may contain "the answer," or none of them. You will simply want to decide how much effort it is worth to you to try to hang in there with him and help him get through it. But no, I don't think anyone would say that his dissatisfactions and struggles constitute a blank check on your life, so that you simply have to hang around forever, while he goes without bathing and shaving and gains 100 pounds--any more than he should have to do that if you were the one letting yourself go.

No doubt, you've already tried some things to cope with this. I would say one of the best things is to let him know that you think too much of him to simply accept that this is what he is, and if he wants to work on getting past it, you want to do your part and help him. If he finally won't move forward, then certainly, you will have a decision to make, and it may not be an easy one. Good luck!

 

[Jenne64]

Hi there,
Been there, seen that and done it. In my case it was the fact that we both let ourselve go to some extent. After 10 years of marriage it's easy to do. I almost forgot what he had found attractive about me and he likewise. You get comftable, you have kids a mortage and all the other crap that is life and if you're not careful you forget the important things in life. The things that really matter.

Talk to him, tell him. I know it's not easy to do but if you don't he won't realise what's wrong. He'll just think you still love him which I'm sure you do but looking good or at least presentable is as important to him as it is to you. Maybe he has concerns, worries of his own. Communication is the key. I almost found that out the hard way!!

Don't let it happen to you please.
Regards
Jenne

 

[Butterfly]

I agree with Michael and Jenne you have to communicate. Been there and done that also and we almost waited till it was to late. You are taking care of yourself and you have to let him know that hygene(that is very important) and looking good for you is important. Talk to him, don't come across to strong just let him know you really want to make this work and is there something you can help him with, is there a problem that he would like to talk about. Good luck! Keep in touch let us know how it works out.

 

[Bs]

That Michael is so damn articulate, that there is not much to add. If, anything. So I won't except, I'm living in that world. And I don't want to rock the boat.. So, I won't.