The importance of aftercare?

[Mr Blonde]

"Aftercare" refers to what happens after the "action" is finished. An intense scene can leave a submissive feeling vulnerable, so small talk or cuddling can give time to reconnect and help bring things back to a normal level. Aftercare can also be as simple as helping with first aid (if blood has been drawn) or just waiting until the tears have stopped.

I think "aftercare" is a fairly important part of every scene and a critical element to new relationships. It is the best opportunity to build real trust. There is time for deeper reflection the next day, but immediate re-assurances are good for keeping communication open. Aftercare is also the chance to discuss any mistakes that might have been made and to quickly put anything negative into a better perspective.

People often discuss their floggers and their bondage techniques in this forum, but some energy should be devoted to covering something as essential as aftercare. Submissive discuss their boundaries but do they discuss their aftercare expectations with potential partners? Everyone has these complex checklists but people seem to forget what sort of aftercare is reasonable.

I have many faults, but one of the top five reasons I can keep partners is that I always allow for reasonable aftercare. I take my time and avoid insensitive behavior. As much as people want to be hardcore, there is a difference between fantasy and real time. There might be several days before we get physical again. I do not want to leave her with uncertain feelings or nebulous negativity. Women can be very different but by paying attention one can perceive their needs.

With one submissive, she would get very emotional 95% of the time so we would fall asleep with me holding her. Even if I was not tired or too wired to sleep, I would wait for her to doze off and then quietly get out of bed. I remember keeping a few bottles of her favorite drink in my refrigerator. That was also good for aftercare.

With another submissive, where for practical reasons I never spent the night, I would talk to her for ten minutes before leaving to go home. She was not touchy-feely but I would just tell her funny stories while I sloooowly cleaned up and got dressed. Laughter seemed to help. Eventually a content look appeared on her face and I knew it was a good time to say goodnight. This women had a very different work/sleep schedule than me but we still took time to finish things the right way.

It might not be obvious but dominants/tops also need their own form of aftercare. With me, I usually take a couple moments to reflect while I care for my partner. I feel satisfied if everything went well. While I have needs of my own, in my opinion it is the submissive who has been on the receiving end and needs immediate attention. If something unexpected or unusual happened, I can wait until the next day (or at least before the next scene) to discuss it.

What are people's thoughts on aftercare? What are the differences between aftercare for submissives and dominants? For the submissives, what sort of aftercare seems to help you the most? For the dominants, what role does aftercare play in your relationships? Any other comments are welcome!

 

[dragonlace]

Wonderful topic, i look forward to seeing what others have to say

For me, as a submissive, sometimes after a very intense orgasm or after playing hard, i get very emotional. For me, its the reassurance that no matter what happens, He still cares and loves me and that i am not something to be used and thrown away. Just laying with me and cuddling and perhaps softly stroking my skin makes me feel even more connected. That connection is what makes it all real and at times when a scene is extremely intense i can feel as though i have done something wrong or that i am being punished, when its just the way He wants to play, a gentle reasurrance helps me to stay connected and not pull away into myself as well. It makes me feel loved and wanted and appreciated and that feeling makes me willing to do almost anything for Him.

 

[sunfox]

I'd have to say thus far, I've been on the opposite end of the spectrum. I am emotional during, but afterwards, I'm sated and content, and I not only don't need, but don't want any sort of coddling or cuddling.

Aftercare, as such, is not necessary for me, and I don't mind being left alone while he does something else, or vice versa. Both of us prefer to think things through on our own time, at our own pace.

 

[MastrJ]

I always made myself available for a little cuddling afterwards. As much for me as well as for the sub. Also if the spanking was especially intense that evening, I've also made sure to spread some lotion on her ass to make things feel better. I think it's definitely the Dom/me's duty to take care of whatever sort of aftercare the submissive needs after a scene.

 

[kitty4ever]

I need to be held, comforted and assured that I pleased. It's really a small thing, but so important.

 

[Esclava]

Aftercare?

What is that? In my former r/l relationship, there was no such thing as "aftercare." When I recovere enough to get off the floor (or wherever he left me), I would go clean up, soak in a really hot bath, turn on some of my favorite soothing music and try to recover my self respect.

If that is aftercare, then that is what helped me survive. In my current online M/s relationship, many times I am unconscious after 50 or more orgasms. I awake to gentle words of praise scrolled up the screen. Master knows that when I wake, I will see his words of loving praise and be able to sleep knowing the depth of his love for me. If that is aftercare, nothing would please me more than to please Master enough to receive more of his aftercare.

Will I have to "train" the r/l Dom that comes into my life? I hope to be pleasing enough to earn such care from his heart.

Esclava

 

[DustyWolfe]

Aftercare is very important to me. It reminds me that I am loved.

Jess always reassures me that she loves me and that I was good. That I pleased her and that she wants me to continue to do so. She snuggles with me until I generally fall asleep, unless it is an early day play session.

 

[Limbhugger]

I am HUGE on aftercare. The minutes following a scene can make or break everything that has gone before and speaks volumes about the dominant.

 

[Netzach]

I have very liberal views on this subject.

I've scened with people who are grateful but itching to get out and be alone FAST.

I've scened with people who need elaborate and loving quasi maternal care, and I'm fine with giving that out as needed.

It varies as much as humans do.

 

[Esclava]

<snip>I've scened with people who need elaborate and loving quasi maternal care, and I'm fine with giving that out as needed.
<snip>

Net,

You never cease to amaze me...

Esclava

 

[cutedemon]

After care, very important. I need the reassurance that I was pleasing. So snuggling until I fall asleep and talking. Very important.

 

[ammre]

I haven't had much experience with this but simply how he kissed me on the head after and pulled me close to his chest seemed to make every difficulty serving him absolutely worth it. I'm sure i could deal without it, but it just helps keep me soft.

 

[Justina123]

I'm a very touchy feely type and some cuddles or strokes afterwards and a "good girl" or two will make me want to come back for more.

I personally don't like to talk about any specifics of the play time or scene right away, but like to know I may bring up comments or questions the next day or so, even if by email or phone.

-justina

 

[Red Vixen]

Thanks for talking about this. As a very new slave, I can sure relate and see the importance of 'aftercare'.

Vixen

My Story

 

[serijules]

This pretty much sums up my thoughts on aftercare..it's been linked before in other threads, but thought I would link it here too.



The Art of Aftercare

 

[Jessalynvix]

Aftercare is very important to me. It reminds me that I am loved.

Jess always reassures me that she loves me and that I was good. That I pleased her and that she wants me to continue to do so. She snuggles with me until I generally fall asleep, unless it is an early day play session.

Yes I do it's important that and we always have to snuggle it is who we are. Snuggling is key to us.

 

[shy slave]

I agree with kitty4ever.

My first 'proper' R/l session (which was very recent) was amazing but later I realised i hads no idea if i had pleased Him or if it had been disaster from His point of view.

Emailed Him with this link as Mr Blonde summed it up so well, but when spoke to Him he said "Yes, fine, we will talk about it next time" Incidentially He made no mention of reading link

I had not been sure He or I wanted a next time!

But at least I know I need aftercare and what I want as after care so Thank You Mr Blonde x

shy slave

 

[MissTaken]

What a wonderful post, Mr Blonde!

After care is individualized, as you demonstrated in your post. And in fact, with scooter, his needs vary with the intensity of teh scene. Sometimes, we talk and joke and laugh to bring ourselves back to reality, other times, he requires that gentle touch of my fingers running through his hair as he lay his head in my lap.

I believe that a Dominant guides their submissive into regions unknown and intense, physically and mentally.
Part of a Dominant's responsibility is to guide their submissive back from the depths of their submission and for many, it requires thought, compassion and even, at times, planning. I do believe that a lack of aftercare can cause a fissure in the trust between a sub and Dominant. Much like taking someone to the outer most edge of a cliff and telling them to find their way back, blindfolded.

 

[Guest]

Hehehehe. Alright Dom/mes are often pegged with the tough unemotional image. "I want to beat you, now get down on your hands and knees. Oh yeah, and don't cry." Fortunately, though often Sadistic, i've never run into a Dom/me who was emotionally stingy. Also, as many of you will be glad to know, i don't think i've run into anyone who fit the aforementioned stereotype. Often for the Dominant after care is as important as it is to the submissive. It allows them to make sure that (what should be) their most important possession is alright. It allows them to feel close with the person who is showing them this devotion, and trying hard to give them pleasure. It allows them time to feel proud and loving and it allows them to express their gentle side if they usually tend to take a tougher stance in Domination. For the gentler Dominant after care is as essential to their own emotional well being as it is to their submissive's (or submissives') Some people don't need it, but i'd venture to say the majority does.

 

[s'lara]

Bumping a good topic. Serijules, great essay on aftercare.

I won't reiterate the points above. I'll just say it's important to the submissive to receive some care after a scene, particularly if the activities included physical and emotional sadism. Not every activity requires aftercare (non-traumatic day-to-day activities, e.g., serving as a urinal or tool for orgasmic release, etc.), but we're all different and our needs vary. For submissive's, be sure to be clear about what those needs are so the Dominant can attend to them accordingly. If serving as a urinal incites an emotional whirlwind, say so (with permission of course) and hopefully, you'll receive the assuagement needed. For Dominants, questioning, being alert and attunement to Your subs needs will help in determining when aftercare is needed or when it is not.

lara

 

[sigsauerprinces]

i need lots of aftercare and im not ashamed to admit it. i couldnt be with someone who just beat me and then walked away. i need to feel loved-i like lots of pain and submission but i also NEED lots of affection.without it im not happy. its hard to find someone who will be as hard as i want them to be but who also will be really affectionate and loving, but i think i've found him.

 

[Guest]

 

[Shallkneel4u]

My two cents worth on aftercare.

Hello All:

Very new to this site as a contributor...just had my first story published today, so if I am being overly bold in commenting here, do forgive my intrusion.

Some very wise words on the topic of aftercare in this thread, but as a submissive, would like to suggest that aftercare goes FAR BEYOND scenes. Regardless of the dynamics within a D/s relationship, there can be little if any doubt that a very close bond is formed between submissive and Dom/me. Sometimes, for whatever reasons life sees one or the other in this very special relationship having their life move in a different direction, and if one is a submissive being released, this can be very emotionally devastating.

Personally, think aftercare needs (and often times does) to extend to and include that special attention and help in getting through that time when the submissive has been released, or uncollared. Years back I was involved with a wonderful Mistress whom I cared for deeply. She was a switch and reached a point where she felt she needed to explore her submissive side with a Master and so released me. I was devastated, and because of her own needs, or perhaps out of selfishness she was unable to be there for me. Years later she apologized, but what I would have given during that time of breakup for some understanding, some compassion towards the emptyness that came from out of the blue.

Shall

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Gonna write this after reading Mr.Blond's terrific intro and before reading other posts on purpose. Thank you Mr Blond.
I haven't done much that qualifies, and no floggers and such, but there are still things that evoke the same feelings, and put me into something that sounds very like what I've read described as subspace (lightweight, me - like being a cheap date.) Just didn't know anyone else got like that.
This need can still apply for other intense play, especially if you go deep. Surprise anal, for instance. Yes, I asked -- ok, begged -- I just didn't expect it Immediately... and without lube. Went into (what I think was) subspace and went with it, was afar away, aware that it Should hurt and no doubt would if I weren't so spaced out from being in that subby place. Anyway, afterwards, my dh leaps out of bed and into the shower, humming, then out of the room without looking at me. As I know he gets kind of claustrophic after sex, and Know he loves me, etc, usually I'm ok with it. it is what it is. This time I could tell I needed aftercare. Had to hold my own self. Remind my own self. Bring self back. He didn't have a clue and when I told him later I'd needed a bit of holding, he said he was sorry and gave me a sorry face.

would have liked somethng else. A bit of petting? Doubt he'll remember the next time. But I'm a big girl, right? And should buck up.

Added: should have said, we are very different in our needs and reactions to things so many times he is surprised. Also, I get very non-verbal when I'm like that. (Now isn't that a laugh?)