We were running fast, running hard, about a mile and a half off the ground with all four engines roaring reassuringly in the starlit sky over blacked out Germany. The bombs had all gone, jettisoned over the Ruhr valley industrial basin, hopefully having smashed to pieces a few hundred unfinished fighters and panzers and the priceless tooling required to build them. This was much more acceptable and fulfilling to me than dropping them on civilians in Berlin, Hamburg or Dresden as we had been doing throughout the previous month. I could justify in my mind the attacks on the industrial heartland of Germany as legitimate efforts to hamper the warmaking ability of the German high command, but dropping high explosives and incendiaries on the men, women and children of Germany while they slept in their beds at night left me stone cold and filled me with a sense of guilt that I knew I would carry with me for the rest of my life.
Bomber Command justified it as a legitimate retaliation for the atrocities that the Germans had unleashed upon London earlier in the war, and as a deterrent to the Germans to stop them doing it again, but to my mind all it did was harden resolve - as it had done with the Londoners during the Blitz- and pushed the Germans into further retaliation against English cities in a vicious cycle of increasing violence. This was why the V-1 rocket was created, in a direct response to the terror that German citizens now faced at night from British Lancasters while the bloody Americans - who flew and fought by day - made merry with our English roses in the dance halls and pubs of Great Britain. While they seduced our wives and girlfriends with cigarettes, chocolates, silk stockings and empty promises of an easy life in the affluent new world we shat ourselves in the pitch dark without fighter escort, virtually defenseless, running for home, escaping from the angry, vengeful German ack-ack that reached up into the sky looking to bring down the bombers that the roving searchlight beams sweeping in random patterns managed to locate.
Fortunately tonight we had passed the worst of that. There was a particularly hairy moment as we crossed the border when a searchlight got a glimpse of us and the AA opened up, the sky exploding in bright orange and yellow fireballs all around us as our plane was bracketed by the deadly flak, but they must have caught us at extreme range because we swiftly left the bangs and dull crumps of exploding ordnance behind. Now we were over France, heading for the coast and the relative safety of the North Sea for the return to Blighty. For the past five minutes we had flown in silence, apart from the screaming engines and the occasional creak of the plane as the winds tossed us about, not a single word passing between the crew as the adrenaline rush of the ingress and the bombing run gave way to sheer bloody relief that we had survived another raid on Nazi Germany.
I turned to Jackie, my flight engineer, and was about to crack a joke about having to change my underwear for the third time that week, when I glimpsed a twinkle out of the canopy just beyond his head. Suddenly the plane banged and shook as cannon and machine gun fire raked the Lancaster along the fuselage from wings to tail. The mid-upper turret opened up it's own machine guns, adding it's thundering racket to the cacophony of sound that filled the plane as wind roared in through the jagged rents punched into the fuselage, then there was a shriek of metal on metal as the outer port engine burst into flames and seized solid, the propeller stilled. Now we were a fiery beacon, a flaming comet tearing across the night sky, visible for miles and miles around. Any other bombers in our vicinity would follow standing orders and their own survival instincts and automatically peel away and hide, so we knew we were now totally alone. Just us and the Junkers Ju-88 radar equipped night-fighter that had caught us. Hunter and prey.
I swallowed drily, my stomach a ball of ice as the cries came in over the intercom.
" Mickey's hit. Oh My God there's blood everywhere. I think his leg's gone." That was Alfie, the navigator, reporting on our wireless operator. Leg gone. That meant that his femoral artery had probably been severed and the poor kid was going to bleed out in minutes. I increased power to the inner port engine to compensate for the loss of the outer one and dropped power to the starboard ones to stop the plane turning around on itself, then banked right, hoping to shake off the '88 that had found us. It had come in from port, so now had to swing around for the classic tail chase that would see us all killed, so I estimated that I had about a minute for the German to make the turn and close back in to guns range.
I was wrong. About ten seconds later while the rest of the crew checked in over the intercom the plane began to receive the hammer blows of cannon fire again, and the tail gunner opened up with his own machine guns, spraying bullets all over the sky as he desperately tried to hit back at the matt black night fighter, whose only giveaway sign was the sparkling of its own machine guns as it unleashed it's fury against us. We were helpless, could only shoot at it while it was shooting at us because that was the only time that we could see it, and as such it always got its punches in first. I heard another scream as the tail guns went silent, a scream that went on and on as Steven, the youngster in the tail turret, clawed at his wounds. All around me the hammer blows struck again, and the second port engine flared and died.
The Lancaster dipped it's port wing and headed for the ground. We were all going to die. " Bail out!" I screamed over the intercom, then I threw off my mask and screamed it again just in case that system was dead. " Bail out now!"
I turned the yoke desperately, trying to level off, and the plane responded sluggishly, reluctantly. I had to try and stabilise it so that the surviving four crewmembers could jump out. Acceptance of my own fate was automatic. I knew that I was a goner. As soon as I let go of the controls the Lancaster would snap into a spiral and blaze like a shooting star to earth, throwing me and anybody else left aboard around the inside. All I could do was try and keep the plane level so that the rest of the crew had a chance to survive. I felt a thump on my shoulder as the co-pilot unstrapped himself and fell into me, throwing his seat up on it's hinges so that the bomb aimer could escape, then he was gone.
My mind flashed back to a flickering newsreel in a Portsmouth cinema as Frankie, the bomb aimer, slapped me on the arm and made his escape, a stirring report on how a supply convoy guarded by just one old passenger ship converted into an escort accidentally stumbled across the German pocket battleship Admiral Scheer. The makeshift escort had been called the Jervis Bay, and it's captain immediately and unhesitatingly ordered the convoy it had been tasked with protecting to scatter, to run and hide, while he turned his ship and it's tiny guns onto a collision course with the pride of the Kriegsmarine. The Jervis Bay was inevitably pounded to scrap and sunk within an hour, and Captain Fegen was killed, but thirty two ships of the thirty seven strong supply convoy were able to make their escape. That was the sacrifice expected of a British serviceman, and always had been since Elizabethan times. Now it was my turn to embrace death with the honour befitting a Lieutenant of the Royal Air Force. The Royal Navy would not get all the posthumous glory in this war.
I glanced at the altimeter unwinding past five thousand feet, airspeed still falling, artificial horizon level, tilting, level, then tilting again as I fought to keep the Lancaster stable, riding the beast into the ground to ensure my crew escaped. I jumped when a hand slammed down on my shoulder, Jackie yelling at me that everybody that could get out had already gone. We had two dead - Mickey and Steve had both died at their stations.
" Gotta ride this one down." I shouted back through gritted teeth. " If I let go of the yoke and rudders she'll snap roll right in a heartbeat."
Jackie tried to push past me and get back in the co-pilot seat. " We'll ride the bitch down together!" He shouted.
" No! Get the hell out of here you lunatic." I screamed back at him. " Don't make my death for nothing. You've got a bloody wife to think of."
Jackie hesitated, staring at me as the plane buffeted beneath us, then nodded, a grimace spreading across his white visage. " I'll never forget this, Grandad."
" Just piss off, for God's sake!" I yelled at him, grinning manically. He slapped me on the shoulder and was gone. The altimeter now spooled through two thousand feet and I could see the coastline ahead of me, white waves breaking on the shoreline of northern France, phosphorescence sparkling under a waxing moon for miles and miles. I thought of letting go of the yoke, closing my eyes and letting the crate splatter itself all over the fields beneath me, but something stopped me. Maybe it was a pilot's natural instinct to avoid crashing in an area where people might be sleeping, especially French non-combatants, or perhaps it was some insane notion that I could ride this baby in and walk away. More likely it was just the natural human instinct to live out every last second of life, stretching out one's time on earth to the absolute limit, even if those final moments were spent in abject terror of what was about to happen - the initial impact squashing me flat between the ground and the imploding nose, the rending of limbs as chunks of ripped steel flew through the crushed fuselage and the searing heat of the flaming explosion as the ruptured fuel tanks detonated - my final moments as sliced and diced crispy fried man-steak.
I let out an involuntary scream as the belly of the Lancaster surprised me by slamming hard into the ground of an unseen ridge with a ear-splitting boom, the fuselage distorting wildly around me. Glass exploded out of the twisted windscreen as it bent, and my hands went up to my face instinctively. The right wing dipped as the plane skipped into the air again, and when the wingtip touched down several terrifying seconds later the plane cartwheeled spectacularly. From this moment on everything was in slow motion. They say your life flashes before your eyes in your final moments, but all that flashed before my bulging eyes was debris thrown about the cockpit as my arms waved wildly and my knees rammed up into my chest as the floor buckled upward from the crash. Something solid slammed into my head and I saw stars, and suddenly I had no idea which way was up as the plane disintegrated around the seat that I was harnessed into, then the North Sea exploded through the busted windows and the wild movements of the plane slowed and stopped.
The cockpit filled rapidly above my head as I slowly recovered my senses, still stunned, and fumbled at my seat harness, the sea swiftly engulfing me. I slipped into the water and tried to find my bearings in the upside down cockpit, but this world was unfamiliar, almost alien. The fractured floor was now above my head and closing in on me rapidly as my Mae West pulled me along the swirling surface in the pitch blackness. Instead of saving my life the Mae West was going to pin me to the floor and drown me. Then the water was pouring into my mouth and I tasted brine mixed with the blood from my head wound and I began to die.
In desperation I spat out the filth in my mouth and sucked in a lungful of air, pulling myself along the fuselage of the plane. I found myself at the shattered windscreen as the plane continued to sink rapidly and dragged myself through the narrow, twisted frame, wanting to scream out in frustration as the Mae West snagged on a structural member. When I got that free the sleeve of my jacket hooked up on another buckled strut, then when I thought I was finally free my bootlaces caught on something else and no matter how hard I tugged the bastard would not break free. My lungs were burning, my eyes were popping in their sockets, my hands clawed desperately at the laces, then in further desperation clawed at the waves breaking just inches over my head and just when I thought that my end had come, when I was right on the verge of opening my mouth for that final anguished scream that would let in the North Sea and seal my doom, the lace snapped, probably severed by my frantically tugging it against a bare metal edge, and I fought my way to the surface in my sodden clothing.
I gulped in a lungful of air and half a pint of water as a wave promptly swamped me, and I kicked with all my might, following the wave in toward the shore. I surfaced again, blind and disorientated, and another wave pushed me. I let it, reached for it again as it rushed away from me into the dark, chasing it blindly, and then the next wave was upon me and I went tumbling end over end, losing my bearings again. Then my feet touched the sea bed and pushed away with all my might, my head broaching almost instantly. I sucked in another fiery lungful of air and let the next wave push me toward the shore, desperately trying to keep up with it as my legs and arms thrashed at the boiling surf. I was exhausted, the effort of swimming in my saturated clothes, clothes that weighed about fifteen pounds dry in order to keep you warm at altitude, had burned me out, but I kept driving myself onward, aware that to give in was to die, then my feet, at long last, touched the sea bed and I found that I was able to stand upright.
The next wave knocked me off balance and I plunged underwater again, but now I knew that the worst of my ordeal was over. I lazily surfed the following waves, letting them edge me steadily toward shore, and I was now able to keep my head above water without jumping as I walked with leaden legs in between the swells. Eventually I made it to the shore, wading through the last few metres with new found energy, then I sank to my knees in the wet sand, totally shattered, and from there fell face first onto the beach, the waves still lapping at my feet, blood running down the side of my face from the gash in my head. I closed my eyes, not caring that if the tide was still coming in that I'd probably drown. I'd had enough. All I wanted to do was sleep.
Then I felt hands on mine and I lazily opened my eyes again. I could see bare feet in the pale moonlight, then a long dress, and as I was rolled over onto my back I looked up and realised that an angel had finally come to take me after all. I smiled, closed my eyes and let the darkness come.
Bomber Command justified it as a legitimate retaliation for the atrocities that the Germans had unleashed upon London earlier in the war, and as a deterrent to the Germans to stop them doing it again, but to my mind all it did was harden resolve - as it had done with the Londoners during the Blitz- and pushed the Germans into further retaliation against English cities in a vicious cycle of increasing violence. This was why the V-1 rocket was created, in a direct response to the terror that German citizens now faced at night from British Lancasters while the bloody Americans - who flew and fought by day - made merry with our English roses in the dance halls and pubs of Great Britain. While they seduced our wives and girlfriends with cigarettes, chocolates, silk stockings and empty promises of an easy life in the affluent new world we shat ourselves in the pitch dark without fighter escort, virtually defenseless, running for home, escaping from the angry, vengeful German ack-ack that reached up into the sky looking to bring down the bombers that the roving searchlight beams sweeping in random patterns managed to locate.
Fortunately tonight we had passed the worst of that. There was a particularly hairy moment as we crossed the border when a searchlight got a glimpse of us and the AA opened up, the sky exploding in bright orange and yellow fireballs all around us as our plane was bracketed by the deadly flak, but they must have caught us at extreme range because we swiftly left the bangs and dull crumps of exploding ordnance behind. Now we were over France, heading for the coast and the relative safety of the North Sea for the return to Blighty. For the past five minutes we had flown in silence, apart from the screaming engines and the occasional creak of the plane as the winds tossed us about, not a single word passing between the crew as the adrenaline rush of the ingress and the bombing run gave way to sheer bloody relief that we had survived another raid on Nazi Germany.
I turned to Jackie, my flight engineer, and was about to crack a joke about having to change my underwear for the third time that week, when I glimpsed a twinkle out of the canopy just beyond his head. Suddenly the plane banged and shook as cannon and machine gun fire raked the Lancaster along the fuselage from wings to tail. The mid-upper turret opened up it's own machine guns, adding it's thundering racket to the cacophony of sound that filled the plane as wind roared in through the jagged rents punched into the fuselage, then there was a shriek of metal on metal as the outer port engine burst into flames and seized solid, the propeller stilled. Now we were a fiery beacon, a flaming comet tearing across the night sky, visible for miles and miles around. Any other bombers in our vicinity would follow standing orders and their own survival instincts and automatically peel away and hide, so we knew we were now totally alone. Just us and the Junkers Ju-88 radar equipped night-fighter that had caught us. Hunter and prey.
I swallowed drily, my stomach a ball of ice as the cries came in over the intercom.
" Mickey's hit. Oh My God there's blood everywhere. I think his leg's gone." That was Alfie, the navigator, reporting on our wireless operator. Leg gone. That meant that his femoral artery had probably been severed and the poor kid was going to bleed out in minutes. I increased power to the inner port engine to compensate for the loss of the outer one and dropped power to the starboard ones to stop the plane turning around on itself, then banked right, hoping to shake off the '88 that had found us. It had come in from port, so now had to swing around for the classic tail chase that would see us all killed, so I estimated that I had about a minute for the German to make the turn and close back in to guns range.
I was wrong. About ten seconds later while the rest of the crew checked in over the intercom the plane began to receive the hammer blows of cannon fire again, and the tail gunner opened up with his own machine guns, spraying bullets all over the sky as he desperately tried to hit back at the matt black night fighter, whose only giveaway sign was the sparkling of its own machine guns as it unleashed it's fury against us. We were helpless, could only shoot at it while it was shooting at us because that was the only time that we could see it, and as such it always got its punches in first. I heard another scream as the tail guns went silent, a scream that went on and on as Steven, the youngster in the tail turret, clawed at his wounds. All around me the hammer blows struck again, and the second port engine flared and died.
The Lancaster dipped it's port wing and headed for the ground. We were all going to die. " Bail out!" I screamed over the intercom, then I threw off my mask and screamed it again just in case that system was dead. " Bail out now!"
I turned the yoke desperately, trying to level off, and the plane responded sluggishly, reluctantly. I had to try and stabilise it so that the surviving four crewmembers could jump out. Acceptance of my own fate was automatic. I knew that I was a goner. As soon as I let go of the controls the Lancaster would snap into a spiral and blaze like a shooting star to earth, throwing me and anybody else left aboard around the inside. All I could do was try and keep the plane level so that the rest of the crew had a chance to survive. I felt a thump on my shoulder as the co-pilot unstrapped himself and fell into me, throwing his seat up on it's hinges so that the bomb aimer could escape, then he was gone.
My mind flashed back to a flickering newsreel in a Portsmouth cinema as Frankie, the bomb aimer, slapped me on the arm and made his escape, a stirring report on how a supply convoy guarded by just one old passenger ship converted into an escort accidentally stumbled across the German pocket battleship Admiral Scheer. The makeshift escort had been called the Jervis Bay, and it's captain immediately and unhesitatingly ordered the convoy it had been tasked with protecting to scatter, to run and hide, while he turned his ship and it's tiny guns onto a collision course with the pride of the Kriegsmarine. The Jervis Bay was inevitably pounded to scrap and sunk within an hour, and Captain Fegen was killed, but thirty two ships of the thirty seven strong supply convoy were able to make their escape. That was the sacrifice expected of a British serviceman, and always had been since Elizabethan times. Now it was my turn to embrace death with the honour befitting a Lieutenant of the Royal Air Force. The Royal Navy would not get all the posthumous glory in this war.
I glanced at the altimeter unwinding past five thousand feet, airspeed still falling, artificial horizon level, tilting, level, then tilting again as I fought to keep the Lancaster stable, riding the beast into the ground to ensure my crew escaped. I jumped when a hand slammed down on my shoulder, Jackie yelling at me that everybody that could get out had already gone. We had two dead - Mickey and Steve had both died at their stations.
" Gotta ride this one down." I shouted back through gritted teeth. " If I let go of the yoke and rudders she'll snap roll right in a heartbeat."
Jackie tried to push past me and get back in the co-pilot seat. " We'll ride the bitch down together!" He shouted.
" No! Get the hell out of here you lunatic." I screamed back at him. " Don't make my death for nothing. You've got a bloody wife to think of."
Jackie hesitated, staring at me as the plane buffeted beneath us, then nodded, a grimace spreading across his white visage. " I'll never forget this, Grandad."
" Just piss off, for God's sake!" I yelled at him, grinning manically. He slapped me on the shoulder and was gone. The altimeter now spooled through two thousand feet and I could see the coastline ahead of me, white waves breaking on the shoreline of northern France, phosphorescence sparkling under a waxing moon for miles and miles. I thought of letting go of the yoke, closing my eyes and letting the crate splatter itself all over the fields beneath me, but something stopped me. Maybe it was a pilot's natural instinct to avoid crashing in an area where people might be sleeping, especially French non-combatants, or perhaps it was some insane notion that I could ride this baby in and walk away. More likely it was just the natural human instinct to live out every last second of life, stretching out one's time on earth to the absolute limit, even if those final moments were spent in abject terror of what was about to happen - the initial impact squashing me flat between the ground and the imploding nose, the rending of limbs as chunks of ripped steel flew through the crushed fuselage and the searing heat of the flaming explosion as the ruptured fuel tanks detonated - my final moments as sliced and diced crispy fried man-steak.
I let out an involuntary scream as the belly of the Lancaster surprised me by slamming hard into the ground of an unseen ridge with a ear-splitting boom, the fuselage distorting wildly around me. Glass exploded out of the twisted windscreen as it bent, and my hands went up to my face instinctively. The right wing dipped as the plane skipped into the air again, and when the wingtip touched down several terrifying seconds later the plane cartwheeled spectacularly. From this moment on everything was in slow motion. They say your life flashes before your eyes in your final moments, but all that flashed before my bulging eyes was debris thrown about the cockpit as my arms waved wildly and my knees rammed up into my chest as the floor buckled upward from the crash. Something solid slammed into my head and I saw stars, and suddenly I had no idea which way was up as the plane disintegrated around the seat that I was harnessed into, then the North Sea exploded through the busted windows and the wild movements of the plane slowed and stopped.
The cockpit filled rapidly above my head as I slowly recovered my senses, still stunned, and fumbled at my seat harness, the sea swiftly engulfing me. I slipped into the water and tried to find my bearings in the upside down cockpit, but this world was unfamiliar, almost alien. The fractured floor was now above my head and closing in on me rapidly as my Mae West pulled me along the swirling surface in the pitch blackness. Instead of saving my life the Mae West was going to pin me to the floor and drown me. Then the water was pouring into my mouth and I tasted brine mixed with the blood from my head wound and I began to die.
In desperation I spat out the filth in my mouth and sucked in a lungful of air, pulling myself along the fuselage of the plane. I found myself at the shattered windscreen as the plane continued to sink rapidly and dragged myself through the narrow, twisted frame, wanting to scream out in frustration as the Mae West snagged on a structural member. When I got that free the sleeve of my jacket hooked up on another buckled strut, then when I thought I was finally free my bootlaces caught on something else and no matter how hard I tugged the bastard would not break free. My lungs were burning, my eyes were popping in their sockets, my hands clawed desperately at the laces, then in further desperation clawed at the waves breaking just inches over my head and just when I thought that my end had come, when I was right on the verge of opening my mouth for that final anguished scream that would let in the North Sea and seal my doom, the lace snapped, probably severed by my frantically tugging it against a bare metal edge, and I fought my way to the surface in my sodden clothing.
I gulped in a lungful of air and half a pint of water as a wave promptly swamped me, and I kicked with all my might, following the wave in toward the shore. I surfaced again, blind and disorientated, and another wave pushed me. I let it, reached for it again as it rushed away from me into the dark, chasing it blindly, and then the next wave was upon me and I went tumbling end over end, losing my bearings again. Then my feet touched the sea bed and pushed away with all my might, my head broaching almost instantly. I sucked in another fiery lungful of air and let the next wave push me toward the shore, desperately trying to keep up with it as my legs and arms thrashed at the boiling surf. I was exhausted, the effort of swimming in my saturated clothes, clothes that weighed about fifteen pounds dry in order to keep you warm at altitude, had burned me out, but I kept driving myself onward, aware that to give in was to die, then my feet, at long last, touched the sea bed and I found that I was able to stand upright.
The next wave knocked me off balance and I plunged underwater again, but now I knew that the worst of my ordeal was over. I lazily surfed the following waves, letting them edge me steadily toward shore, and I was now able to keep my head above water without jumping as I walked with leaden legs in between the swells. Eventually I made it to the shore, wading through the last few metres with new found energy, then I sank to my knees in the wet sand, totally shattered, and from there fell face first onto the beach, the waves still lapping at my feet, blood running down the side of my face from the gash in my head. I closed my eyes, not caring that if the tide was still coming in that I'd probably drown. I'd had enough. All I wanted to do was sleep.
Then I felt hands on mine and I lazily opened my eyes again. I could see bare feet in the pale moonlight, then a long dress, and as I was rolled over onto my back I looked up and realised that an angel had finally come to take me after all. I smiled, closed my eyes and let the darkness come.