The Forgotten - Feedback?

[Cutestarr65]

New story of mine is out. I'm hoping for some feedback. Don't hold back. I'm a big girl. I can take any negative criticism.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-forgotten-2

Thanks

-CS

 

[CyranoJ]

The premise is interesting -- sort of Memento meets MILF noncon -- and the sex, and the writing generally, is competently executed enough that I don't have any particular comments about it.

If I were to look for something more from it, it would be to dwell a little more on the conflict involved in Kevin's deciding to take advantage of his mentally-addled charge. There are added erotic possibilities there, in terms of his working up to the act and the anxieties and moral conundrum accompanying it; moreover, he might ultimately come off as a bit less of a complete shit.

Also, given that you flag up the issue of residual effects on her memory, that's something that might be worth playing with a bit more to heighten tension in the final act... although I guess you might be saving that for a future instalment? It would at least be more fun to see Steven realize in the abstract that something is off, even if he can't put a finger on it.

 

[KayceeCharles]

I have general problems with non-con stories, philosophical reasons, but I'll leave that aside for now.

Jumping straight into all out rape is problematic, IMHO. You should start him with molestation, progressing to fingering, forced fellatio, moving up to full rape, ending with rape and anal rape. The violations should start small than escalate. And there should be a conflict of sorts.

Also, he doesn't seem to be taking precaution to not leave any bruises or otherwise evidence of his violations. May want to show a little more... preparation. Maybe have the son return sooner and he had to scramble to get rid of the evidence. A little more... suspense?

And as CyranoJ said, you should explore her remembering SOME of it.

 

[Cutestarr65]

Thanks for the feedback. Do you feel theres merit in doing follow ups? I pondered about involving the son and having her memory come back.

-CS

 

[KayceeCharles]

That's entirely up to you. Move the plot points about, space them out, and you can stretch this out to a 2-3 parter.

 

[Cutestarr65]

I might just do that. Thank you

-CS

 

[robertreams]

Well, you had me interested for a bit. I am even into non-consent. But to brutaly rape the mentally incompetent is no turn-on for me, not even as fantasy. Add to that she is your best friend's mother, whom he has trusted you to care for, I nearly puked. I could read no more. There are several if not many tense changes that need to be made, especially to past perfect, and you need to check your use of the definite pronoun, "that".

But even if you correct the tiniest error, I will not read it again.