The First Time, Jan. 25, 2002

[Mickie]

The story for this week is The First Time by karmadog.

It can be found in the Group Sex category.

The link -- http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29961

Mickie

 

[karmadog]

This was my first foray into erotica.

I recently reread this story and noticed a great many mistakes. I would appreciate any criticism. I am intending to edit and resubmit. I know the conceit of the story seems a little farfetched, but I wrote this under artificial circimstances. A girl I used to date asked me to write an erotic story where something happened that she had never done or read about. She read a lot of erotica.

What was trying to do was incorporate the bastard step children of the five senses in erotica: smell and taste. I would like to know how well I did with that. Was it distracting? Sexy? Pointless? Poorly done? Not enough? Too much?

I could go on forever about what I would like to know, but I won't, so please just tell me what you think.

Thanks in advance

 

[The_old_man]

Like my story, I am sure you will get a lot of crap about the grammer and spelling.

The discription of the odor and taste was neither distracting nor excessive.

I enjoyed the tag switch.

 

[karmadog]

Tag switch?

 

[The_old_man]

The switch from one girl to the other at the end. I was thinking of a story on another site called "Tag Team"

 

[christo]

If you're intending to redo this, I think what you should do is introduce the very interesting scenario you came up with at the begining of the story. I started reading and I thought it was just another guy-and-two-girls story, and that's fine, but then halfway through, when the narrator tells Thea that he and his girlfriend don't want to say they married the first person they slept with, that they want her to deflower them BOTH at the same time, well, that's when my interest perked up bigtime.

The problem is, you've "buried the lead", as they say in newspaper writing. A reader looking for something special might not get through the begining of the story, thinking it's just another threesome story, when it's much more interesting than that. Some exposition is needed, to give the reader a chance to settle in, and to tell the reader that something unusual is going on.

I love the visual of Thea fucking Carrie while she's being fucked by the narrator, two people losing their virginity through a third party instead of together. That scene should be much longer, much more involved, because it's so arousing.

And if the narrator is going to end up with Thea, some more foreshadowing would be a good thing, so that it doesn't come as such an unexpected surprise at the end. I almost missed it the first time I read it. Maybe not so much foreshadowing as setting up the surprise better, so it isn't just a one-paragraph scene. Lead the reader along by the nose and then...wham. Give 'em the surprise (which, on the face of it, seems perfectly logical).

A good story, but definitely worth revisiting and reworking to make it something very, very good. The actual writing, sentence by sentence, word by word, is very good. Now you need to be more ambitious, really set the scene, take your time to develop the situation and show all the action. That's often the difference between what I would call a straight jack-off story and a piece of really good erotica. You can write a sex scene that will get certain body parts hard and/or moist (I can attest to that right now. Down, boy!). Now you need to involve the reader's mind a bit more. They say the brain is the most erotic part of the body, and that's the organ you should take aim at now. Get the mind's attention, and the dick will follow with enthusiasm.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

KD,

There's some good fresh writing and it's generally pretty hot. For 'erotica', the story is rather well conceived, substantial, and that doesn't detract from the sex (in my opinion, adds to it) Some of the 'turns' of plot are not well prepared. It seems odd that the two spend so much time in bed and even get into bondage, yet are virgins.

I'm not sure I agree with Ch., I don't see a need at or near the beginning to say, "Colleen and I, after a lot of 'play' decided to find a third, to rid us of our virginity, and here's how it went down." I think that decision could be forshadowed and built up to through the first 1/4 or 1/3 of the story. For instance they could be talking it over and decide that, since the first time often is far from best, it's better to do it with some third party with whom there are no attachments. (Then the ending would come full circle, because yes, he and Thea do get attached.)

Nor, for that matter do I see the necessity of starting "Thea was doing Colleen with a strap-on and I was fucking Thea doggy style in what was my first time, and Colleen's too. Let me tell you how this wild scene came about."

The double deflower is rather nice. The ending is rather abrupt, and not quite prepared for. Aside from Thea's beauty, there is no reason she ends up with the guy.

Seems like you have the ingredients to a good story and plenty of talent to pull off what you choose. I didn't see spelling and grammar problems, but maybe I'm slow today. I only see 'architectonic' problems, a need to 'knit together' and plant seeds in one section that sprout in another (can be done subtly).

Jack.

 

[karmadog]

I agree that I need more foreshadowing of the ending, but it strikes me that foreshadowing is difficult to get right. Too subtle and it's non-existent, too much and the story is obvious. Certainly, I'm going to work on it. Part of the problem is that I wrote two versions of this story. One in which the narrator ends up with Thea, and one in which Colleen ends up with Thea. Obviously, the conflictions that I had about exactly how to end this came through.

Thanks for the input, and the nice comments and criticism. Good criticism is hard to find.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Karmadog,

You've come through with an interesting and original story. The only things between it and a 5 are some very correctable mechanical problems.

Remember, everything I'm about to say is strictly MHO. Any resemblence between it and validity is not only coincidental, but probably a miracle.

Your paragraphs are way too long, especially for something that will be read on computers.

It's a common problem for folks writing in first person, but you probably overuse the word, "I".

Some of the narrative seemed to suffer from the dreaded "he did" and "she did" then "they did", symdrome.

As another poster pointed out, you buried the two most unique and interesting elemensts of your story, the simultaneous deflowering and the switch, near the end.

This last item is a style issue. Considering the degree of their intimacy, the white couple's "virgin" relationship may a stretch for many readers. Spending a little more time describing their background and feelings toward one another might add to the credibility of this unusual relationship and even help foreshadow, or at least explain, the story's unexpected outcome.

Hope some of this helps

Rumple Foreskin

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi,

What you said about foreshadowing being difficult is certainly true. But I meant in the widest sense of 'connection' or even what is seen retrospectively as 'clue' (as in a good detective story). In the simple sense that in Ch 1, he looks into her eyes and gets an unexplained chill feeling, and in Ch 4, she tries to kill him-- that is not what we are talking about.

The trick is to have the reader say both 1) what a surprise, and 2) ah, I see what led up to it.

None of this is to say I've mastered this art of 'weaving together'.

 

[The_old_man]

Perhaps some extention of the three-way sciene could be used to prepare for the ending switch?

 

[karmadog]

Thanks everybody!!!

I appreciate all of your comments. I will probably incorporate all of these ideas to a lesser or greater degree when I rewrite this.

Now I just have to find the time!

 

[VeraGem]

I agree with Abashed-Dreamer. I found myself wondering about the motivations to the point of distraction. (The good news is I didn't want to be distracted.) When I get to motivational dilemmas like this I sometimes sit on the story until I figure out the whys and wherefores of what the characters are doing.

As far as foreshadowing the double-deflower - it's a judgment call in my opinion. It depends on how well you think you can hold the reader's interest.