The "Feedback the Person Above You" Thread

[wishfulthinking]

Someone else (SweetSubSarah?) started an almost identical thread where you read and comment on the person's story posted above you on this thread. Then someone below your post reads and comments on your story. And then they have their story commented on. And so on. A give and take thingy.

So post your comments, and then give a link to the story of your own that you would like read with a mini description. They must be posted stories to Lit. [link - cut and past from the story's address line, not the new page!]

To be fair, comments should be more than "I liked it" or "Not my thing" or "Didn't like it". Tell us why. The more detailed you are, the more detailed someone reading yours will likely be.

[Since I'm first and I don't want to be reviewed, person No 2 can double up on No 3, so lucky no 3 gets 2 reviews].

There may be some double ups along the way, but the idea is the ensure that everyone gets 1 review.

Cheers,

WT

Just so we're clear

1. Read and comment on the story link in the very last post.
2. When writing feedback on this thread, also put in a link to the story you would like feedback on, and a mini description of the story.

 

[XXplorher]

SOLID fuckin' idea. Best I've heard in years. A gift that keeps on giving...

One concern...

A person (such as me) begins an extensive critique - only to find it's already been answered, upon return. What then? Perhaps we can lay a post as claim to the above author? And thread on once the review is made?

Fantastic idea. And I lay claim to you! Against your own wishes (Wishfulthinking)

Deal?

 

[wishfulthinking]

I've been claimed *shivers*

Sounds great. Then a poster can come back and edit their 'claim' post and put comments in.

 

[Alexis Haines]

Me too, me too!!

It's taking a while for this to get off the ground, isn't it? So, by way of a bump, here's my thougths on Spoils of War, Ch. 04... as this was the last post ahead of me. (XXplorher: let me know if/what you want reviewed and I'll bump the thread with that too.)

I hadn't read the preceding chapters and was afraid that I'd have to in order to do Ch.4 justice but that wasn't the case. There is sufficient context provided that a reader can get up to speed quickly and early enough to enjoy the chapter as it stands. I liked that a lot.

I'm not sure exactly what's going on in the characters heads and that may be because I haven't read the earlier chapters so this isn't a biggie...

I get the sense that Jolie does not like Arik because she finds him brutal, arrogant and limited and yet his masculine prowess and power is a turn-on for her (no problems so far--it is for me too!).

What confuses me is "She wanted the arrogant beast for no other reason than to feel his arms around her as he moved deep inside of her." So does Jolie love him? Again, I haven't read the earlier chapters so I may be missing something but I can't find a reason for her to want to feel his affection. The physical response I get, but not this. If he did offer her affection I'm sure she would rebuff it.

I very much enjoyed the power play during the sex scene and I liked the cliffhanger ending too. I'm not a great fan of this genre but I'm beginning to think I could be! Thanks for a great read.


OK, the next contributor to this thread, please take a look at Sunset over Cairo (Non-Erotic) The feedback I quote in my signature is exactly what I was trying to achieve with this story... and I'd love to know if anyone else got the "movie" too! It's not completely devoid of erotic elements (just no sex scene). Thanks in advance!

 

[XXplorher]

Well, that’s sort of what I meant by ‘laying claim’. We could have a serious problem hemorrhaging on ‘I meant to do the person before that’, etc.

Which just occurred… immediately after voicing concern about it. Like, is that enormously funny? Or just… maybe not so funny. It’s past 2am, so I sort of don’t care either way. But… it’s probably not that funny!

Obviously, my cock (er, pen) can’t claim like it used to. So let’s have some rules agreed upon. How many days until the ‘claimant’ becomes delinquent – and must be turned over to a more eager response?

(And for the record? This post doesn’t count in the succession of ‘who’s in line’. I’m not even in line yet, actually. I'm still trying to hammer some things out, eh).

3 days? Less? More?


PS. I haven’t read it (intended to do that and the extensive critique tomorrow). But she probably wanted the arrogant beast because he was an… “arrogant beast!”. And no other reason at all (as specified). Was that well enough declared in an erotic sense?

 

[wishfulthinking]

LOL! poor pen.

Easy solution:

X - you critique Alexis, and give a link to a story you want me to critique of yours.

 

[wishfulthinking]

please take a look at Sunset over Cairo (Non-Erotic)

Hi, I'm glad there was no sex in it. Had you had a scene, I would have been disappointed, as the story didn't call for it. I found the first part a struggle to get through - very descriptive, very rigid and structured - but after that, it was worth it. I don't know if this structure was intentional, as it eased toward the middle of the story as she seemed to ease. You got across that she was very naive and led a sheltered life very well, and also the condescension she felt about the other English in reaction to their feeling of superiority over the 'natives', and it took Nicholas to realise this partly. I don't know if she realised this fully. As to the end - I would have liked it made more clear that he wasn't offering to support her should she move to Alexandria. It seemed to defeat the purpose of what she had learnt, that she relied upon others and never did anything for herself. Anyway, good work, solid effort, and your attention to detail was fantastic.

Could the next person review a story of XXplorher, and pretend I didn't post!

 

[XXplorher]

re: spoils of War, Ch. 04

As previously mentioned, the initial paragraph will smartly bring you up to speed on the previous chapters (like… quite impressively).

Subjectively, which I’ll try not to be, I don’t much go for the medieval flowing robes and such. I like poetry (and consider myself one) but this era is sort of… doesn’t make me ‘spring’. However, what is far more important than that is – rhythm. ANYTHING with rhythm will create anticipation. This author has power over that… She’s taken great care in that. But will she deliver on the swell?

-Nice job penning movement and thoughts, physical descriptions - seamlessly.

-The writer is clearly an excellent lyricist. But will she make me want to pull my cock out and slam it against the table?

-Wise to continue mentioning physical reactions while setting the stage.

-Mid pg1 I’m beginning to feel, what I usually feel in the medieval stuff… a lack of progress. The ebb and flow is too close between. It doesn’t ebb. And it doesn’t flow (or at least not away from the ebb). The constant sense of urgency – is dissipated when there is no sperm-spewing payoff. It’s always in between.

Anticipation is of prime importance. But I’m an animal. Get me nearer to the cunt. Get me within fucking distance. Otherwise – you’re only writing for the girls (who I would expect are swooning by this point in the story). And that’s fine, like – what’s the readership male/female here anyway? That’d be an excellent fact to know!

She’s very sexy, and I feel a continuing warmth in her liquid eroticism… but it’s the same liquid I’ve tasted in every other story of this ilk. Surprise me (or that is what I’d prefer).

-The intensity of the ‘encounter’ is very specific. It’s woven and it’s quite credible. It’s fucktastic dramatic. I’m interested again… (and not because she’s a pawn. Quite the opposite, actually).

-Well, I’m not sure she’d moan his name quite yet, but it’s obvious to me now this is a very talented writer in this vernacular. The pace is consistent of that romantic era. And it has all the trappings of bondage that people receptive to that interest tend to like. There is no possible way you could ever say it’s “bad”. This is good stuff.

-Once again, subjective remark: I can’t handle anything like “glistening shame” ever being mentioned. If you’re going to go to that extreme? You’ve got to go to THAT extreme. Have the whole fucking house fuck her (and maybe you will). But to shame any orifice, his or hers – you’re removing a certain segment of your readership from sexual enjoyment. Shame her mentally all you want, but please don’t shame her genitalia. I mean… it ends it for us.

Having said that - that’s a risky choice. You’ve chosen your words carefully. You must have considered that choice (I resisted “cunt” for so long, until I realized it excites a strong percentage of woman more than anything). I’m curious to know what it said to you. And what you thought it would say to those who would also appreciate it (as I’m sure there are many). Again, I’m just some punk-assed-dickhead who likes things a certain way. So don’t be… afraid to mention what that term means to you. (Ah yes, there he is!)

Very descriptive though. Impressive, all of it throughout (and perhaps especially that paragraph).

-It’s nasty enough in description to give it a nudge above the rest (challenged male attempt at comically firm approval).

"Tell me you want me."

Didn’t buy that at all. Has he not already made that obvious? Did you make a mistake in the ‘She’? (And in fact, you did). Minor mistake. Must fix.

-By the end of page 1, if I was a woman? I’d have made an enormous mess. It’s very descriptive and it IS definitely nasty enough to splash a girl over the edge. I like this a lot better than most of this period.

But now that the cock has entered…

-(personal note: Must remember to use the word “mewd”)

-The fucking is damn good!

-…But he came too quickly. Again, the tempo was such for such a length of time… I never would have cum on que there. YOU came on que (or you thought that was the que?). But it wasn’t. We were in 3rd gear for so long, you gotta REALLY establish 4th gear (in this case 5th actually).

If I’m going to invest myself in a story, I want to fucking cum with CERTAINTY. You’ve GOT to deliver that moment. It wasn’t clear here. I would not have been ready (as a man). I see there is more story to go… and I can swear by the fact women are probably drowning by now in their own satisfaction – but a man is reviewing this. So that’s the perspective you’re going to get (girl who didn’t want a fuckin’ review anyway *wink*).

In any case – the dirty stuff is good n’ dirty. Yum yum.

-He came again. And though you’re using hungry words… you’re not feeling him cum. And therefore I don’t want to. Seriously – that’s important (for the guys).

She thumped the pillows with her small fist. He was not her master, he was her equal. Only she didn't know how she would manage to get that through his thick hide.

Aha! I like that… Nice transition.


Summation: There’s no way this could ever be less than a 4. You can write anything you want to. You’re a professional. The amount of time considered on every word included is obvious. That kind of dedication turns me on. And since we’re all here at the world largest wank-it site – that’s important. If I was a woman? I think I’d likely buy a new chair. But since I’m a man, and even though I got to be dragon-dick dangerous… it’s still in my pants.

How could you burn my pants asunder (and not that you should even care)? I don’t know. You got VERY dangerous in the sex. Your adjectives were supreme. I did in fact feel the heat in her loins. You went past romance and allowed my arrogant cock to think it has a right to any flaming quim… But you didn’t portray how it feels for HIM to cum. It was all about her.

Like most of those ‘type’ of stories – it’s all about her. Maybe that’s the difference for me. (Or maybe I’m just too much all about me. Sorry, that ain’t it).

I gave it a 5.



Hence (oh Jolly Good, I’m speaking the Kings language), no one is to respond to this post other than the one who intends to crap/clap on my latest story (which hasn’t been posted yet (Learning to Swim); feel free to select another if it hasn’t). Or if the above mentioned writer wants to respond in defense/coercion/retaliation/appreciation.

Henceforthwith, and such as…