The Fear Of Death
- Thread starter Lazaran
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ThePlumTiger66
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Is disregarding the possessive form of Cobra, i.e, Cobra's, a stylistic choice?
If it is, shouldn't you disregard the apostrophe 'S' in it's for the sake of consistency?
Get the fuck out of the way
butters
High on a Hill
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apt analogy; how fear can paralyze us into inaction which actually invites death
having said that, i do have a few comments:
- you can post these over on the poetry board for more eyes/detailed responses
- the layout's a little distracting with the extra line-spacing and the abuse of apostrophes (Cobra's and its)
- it looks as if you've used 'Like' in order to comply with a 5-7-5 layout, but (for me) the poem actually reads better without it as the reader can make that connection. the essence of a poem should drive the layout above and beyond any chosen format
i'd even go so far as to say the title and first line are the poem, the rest being an explanation
just playing with this below, with cutting and tense. hope you don't mind as it's something we often do here. like thinking aloud--on screen. no expectations for you to change a thing as it's your poem.
The Fear of Death
Cobra's eyes
Paralyze—
predestine sting of fang
if these kind of replies aren't what you are looking for, when you put the poems over on the main board just say you're not looking for critique but for a more generalised feedback.
apt analogy; how fear can paralyze us into inaction which actually invites death
having said that, i do have a few comments:
- you can post these over on the poetry board for more eyes/detailed responses
- the layout's a little distracting with the extra line-spacing and the abuse of apostrophes (Cobra's and its)
- it looks as if you've used 'Like' in order to comply with a 5-7-5 layout, but (for me) the poem actually reads better without it as the reader can make that connection. the essence of a poem should drive the layout above and beyond any chosen format
i'd even go so far as to say the title and first line are the poem, the rest being an explanation
just playing with this below, with cutting and tense. hope you don't mind as it's something we often do here. like thinking aloud--on screen. no expectations for you to change a thing as it's your poem.
The Fear of Death
Cobra's eyes
Paralyze—
predestine sting of fang
if these kind of replies aren't what you are looking for, when you put the poems over on the main board just say you're not looking for critique but for a more generalised feedback.
Thanks for the feedback.
I actually am trying for a stripped down feel more than a polished verse. The format is something I'm trying to standardize for my own style. I have a series of these and I'm just dropping them as I finish them.
My editing was sloppy and I blame that on distracted posting.
My main goal was to convey the cautionary message that you obviously picked up on.
I have read some of your work and it is beyond my capabilities so I just do what I can.
I'm a work in progress.
butters
High on a Hill
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stripped down is good for some, not for others, and seems to work in your favour for the crux of these pieces.
most of us have to go back in and edit
yes, you did convey it, for sure.
we all write differently, but i've seen many a new poet (like harry and todski were) whose innate ability surpassed those of others with way more technical skills under their belts but who just needed to hone those in order to be able to best say what they wanted to.
we ALL are works in progress. i surely hope to be writing better when i'm 80 than i do now. *fingers crossed*
stripped down is good for some, not for others, and seems to work in your favour for the crux of these pieces.
most of us have to go back in and edit
yes, you did convey it, for sure.
we all write differently, but i've seen many a new poet (like harry and todski were) whose innate ability surpassed those of others with way more technical skills under their belts but who just needed to hone those in order to be able to best say what they wanted to.
we ALL are works in progress. i surely hope to be writing better when i'm 80 than i do now. *fingers crossed*
Yeah, everybody has their own style and it is often an expression of who they really are.
I don't think I could express myself in a different style because it wouldn't feel authentic to me.
My work is basically me on a plate.
Meat and potatoes.
Simple fare, but hopefully it will stick to your ribs.
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