The Falling

[Chiara_searches]

So I'm extremely smitten by my new guy. Yet, I also know I fell really hard, emotionally, for my springtime guy. I've pondered how odd I feel about falling for two different people in six month's time. It brings up all kinds of questions about thinking with my rational mind, for example. Okay, and so I question my reasoning ability. And my ability to navigate relationships in general.

How weird is it to fall twice in one year?

I've actually bantered this question with my springtime guy and a friend; both encourage me to accept that it's okay to fall again so soon and the quickness shouldn't be a deterrent. Yet, it still seems to bother me. So I thought I'd open myself up to your opinions, too.

And yes, the new guy seems to fit me in ways appropriate for a BDSM forum...or at least the parts I'm interested in. I took the sage advice of, I believe, Midwest Yankee, Sir Winston and others, and started that dialog when it was clear we were interested in having sex with each other (which means the dialog started, slowly, as early as date 2).

 

[GrimsPet]

I guess if this works for you it's fine. Some people can date more than one person in a year and it works for them.

As for me, if I dated more than one person in the time spam you have stated, it was because I was grasping onto someone in the rebound, and it was a rebound relationship. I made myself a pact after the last time I got into a rebound relationship that I wasn't going to pull that shit again on myself and since then if I break up with anyone, I don't go near the thought of dating for at least a good year after a breakup. I figured if the guy wanted to date me bad enough and is interested enough in me he can wait until I'm ready to do so.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I fell hard and fast for Mr.

I was smitten after the first date, and we were seeing each other regularly within a month, and were very serious after 2 - 3 months. Now, near two years later, we're making plans to move in together. I know it took longer for him to get to the same level of feelings, and I know why, and I'm cool with that, but yes, I fell fast.

I'd met maybe a half dozen people in the 6 months leading up to meeting him, and one more after, but when you know, you just know. And you can't help when they come along, even if it's two in the same year.

It sounds like you're still friendly with springtime guy, and that he's still a valuable part of your life, so although falling for him emotionally might not have worked out romantic relationship wise, you still have a good friend out of it, and that's just as important.

I knwo that having a great capacity for love can also leave you open to being hurt a lot, but it's worth it. I say trust your feelings, and enjoy the ride.

 

[Keroin]

The way I handled things with L was this...

I told myself, and him, that I was just going to enjoy the ride and have fun for the first year. Absolutely NO commitments for one year, just lots of play and energy and happiness. If, at the end of the year, we were still on the same page, still happy and willing to carry on, then, and only then, would we discuss more serious matters.

It was awesome because it took all the pressure off both of us. We were free to "be in love" without worrying what it meant and where it would go. And we both acknowledged that it could end at any time for a myriad of reasons and, if so, we would part as friends.

13 years later...

 

[IrisAlthea]

Life is short.
If it's a person you enjoy being with, then go with that and see where it leads you.

 

[Honed_Hunger]

.....

 

[shy slave]

I don't think there is a time to feelings.

Have just read through the above link, and not sure I agree with with all the stages so cut and dried.

Sometimes you can bypass the honeymoon stage and end up feeling comfortable, ordinary with the other person. Or a relationship can teeter on the edge of something without actually manifesting as anything at all.

I know advice is only good for the person giving it, but relax, enjoy yourself and allow yourself to be open to this working out.

We are always learning new things about ourselves, pushing our own boundaries and making discoveries.

Why put limits on something due to what may or may not be considered 'right' or 'the norm.'

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Not weird at all. Last I checked, there were no annual limits on smittenness...so I hope you can find a way to let go and just enjoy it for what it is, even if you can't quite explain it. It is beautiful as it is. I am happy for you !

 

[TarevaChine]

I don't believe that you should let this bother you! In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change the fact that you feel what you feel. You should embrace it and enjoy it!

 

[Philotes]

Life is short.
If it's a person you enjoy being with, then go with that and see where it leads you.

This.

I am of the opinion that emotions can not always be rationalized. Let me ask you this:

Are you worried more about your own emotional health or about outside perceptions? If it is your own well being you are concerned over, then take comfort in the fact that you are cautious enough to examine your motives. But after said examination, if the feelings are there, what bearing does the timing really have?

If you feel like you have a shot at something special with your new guy, then go for it. In my book, the potential reward always outweighs the risk when falling for someone new.

Besides, it's kind of fun to have that fluttery feeling, don't you think?

 

[Chiara_searches]

I guess if this works for you it's fine. Some people can date more than one person in a year and it works for them.

As for me, if I dated more than one person in the time spam you have stated, it was because I was grasping onto someone in the rebound, and it was a rebound relationship. I made myself a pact after the last time I got into a rebound relationship that I wasn't going to pull that shit again on myself and since then if I break up with anyone, I don't go near the thought of dating for at least a good year after a breakup. I figured if the guy wanted to date me bad enough and is interested enough in me he can wait until I'm ready to do so.

You hit the nail on the head. I am concerned about the rebound prospect. But when I divorced in 2009, I took nearly two years from separation before I actually started dating again. In that time, I did an inventory of where and what I wanted my next relationships to be. When it was clear the springtime fling was never going to be more than it was, I did review that inventory list...and realized there was much lacking in that relationship.

I tend to way over think (well, duh, obviously) and have re-evaluated my current relationship with that of both my marriage and the springtime thing. Current beau hits so many of my must haves for relationships in general, it seems almost scary odd. And he's hitting the mark (pun intended) on the sexual side of things, so far.

I just have never felt like I've fallen twice in this short of a span and it freaked me out a bit. I guess it freaked me out, too, that current beau has admitted he's falling, too.

 

[Chiara_searches]

I told myself, and him, that I was just going to enjoy the ride and have fun for the first year. Absolutely NO commitments for one year, just lots of play and energy and happiness. If, at the end of the year, we were still on the same page, still happy and willing to carry on, then, and only then, would we discuss more serious matters.

It was awesome because it took all the pressure off both of us. We were free to "be in love" without worrying what it meant and where it would go. And we both acknowledged that it could end at any time for a myriad of reasons and, if so, we would part as friends.

13 years later...

Keroin - as always you have sound, rational advice. I think I might just adopt part of this. I need to learn how to live more in the moment and stop looking at "what if" future questions; I think a similar view of this current relationship would benefit from just letting it breathe like a fine red wine.

Life is short.
If it's a person you enjoy being with, then go with that and see where it leads you.

I hear you I.A. Just going with the flow is coming harder than when I did the dating thing in college...possibly because of the knowledge I wasted years with the marriage. But I still think it's a good idea.

Werd ---> http://www.lovecoachblog.com/the-eight-stages-of-relationships/

Interesting read, H.H. I would agree with shy_slave that it does not all come in cut and dry...but it's a good touch stone for bringing the rational back into better focus. Thanks for the link.

I don't think there is a time to feelings.

Have just read through the above link, and not sure I agree with with all the stages so cut and dried.

Sometimes you can bypass the honeymoon stage and end up feeling comfortable, ordinary with the other person. Or a relationship can teeter on the edge of something without actually manifesting as anything at all.

I know advice is only good for the person giving it, but relax, enjoy yourself and allow yourself to be open to this working out.

We are always learning new things about ourselves, pushing our own boundaries and making discoveries.

Why put limits on something due to what may or may not be considered 'right' or 'the norm.'

This makes a lot of sense, especially in my current relationship. On my super boring dating blog, I started talking about being comfortable with my current beau fairly early on...and a few days later, it's what he also expressed, more than once, as his view of spending time together.

I also appreciate the point to stop trying to fit whatever this is into the "norm" box...I do that too often on other things and it usually leads to frustration and unhappiness.

Not weird at all. Last I checked, there were no annual limits on smittenness...so I hope you can find a way to let go and just enjoy it for what it is, even if you can't quite explain it. It is beautiful as it is. I am happy for you !

I'm going to borrow this line and make it my mantra in learning to just go with it.

I don't believe that you should let this bother you! In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change the fact that you feel what you feel. You should embrace it and enjoy it!

Oh, I am embracing it (aka him). But seriously, thanks for responding. Yes, you can't help what you feel...and that's advice I've gotten time and time again from the springtime fling, so it seems an objective person telling me the same thing means it's on the money.

This.

I am of the opinion that emotions can not always be rationalized. Let me ask you this:

Are you worried more about your own emotional health or about outside perceptions? If it is your own well being you are concerned over, then take comfort in the fact that you are cautious enough to examine your motives. But after said examination, if the feelings are there, what bearing does the timing really have?

If you feel like you have a shot at something special with your new guy, then go for it. In my book, the potential reward always outweighs the risk when falling for someone new.

Besides, it's kind of fun to have that fluttery feeling, don't you think?

Again, another nail on the head. I'm worried about outside perceptions more than my own emotional health. I think. My life is a bit of a roller coaster over all (as I've posted elsewhere I'm still struggling with negative affects of the economic down turn). But I think through this kind of thing and then over think because I am trying to be cautious about my emotional state. Hence, I think it's largely a concern about outside perceptions.

And I love the fluttery feeling for sure!

My understanding is that he's endeavored to be as authentic with me as I've been endeavoring to be with him. I didn't want to go through that 45-90 day down turn that happens when pretenses fall away. I wanted to be liked and dated for exactly who I am. Everything I've seen him do and say has remained consistent and reinforced that he is doing the exact same thing. Thus, I think there is a shot for something spectacular with this guy.

And that makes me happy....along with all the positive thoughts and advice. Thanks everyone!

 

[Chiara_searches]

I fell hard and fast for Mr.

I was smitten after the first date, and we were seeing each other regularly within a month, and were very serious after 2 - 3 months. Now, near two years later, we're making plans to move in together. I know it took longer for him to get to the same level of feelings, and I know why, and I'm cool with that, but yes, I fell fast.

I'd met maybe a half dozen people in the 6 months leading up to meeting him, and one more after, but when you know, you just know. And you can't help when they come along, even if it's two in the same year.

It sounds like you're still friendly with springtime guy, and that he's still a valuable part of your life, so although falling for him emotionally might not have worked out romantic relationship wise, you still have a good friend out of it, and that's just as important.

I knwo that having a great capacity for love can also leave you open to being hurt a lot, but it's worth it. I say trust your feelings, and enjoy the ride.

Lizzie - I had to mull this over because, yes, I am still friendly with springtime guy (or can we just say "J") and he is a great cheerleader. Yet, for multiple reasons, I feel odd talking about J. The biggest reason is y'all were probably sick of hearing me talk about him since he made me smile every day for a good long while.

Part of why I think I feel weird about falling twice is I have never left one relationship and been actively encouraged by that person to pursue something better. J does that and asks frequent questions about my new guy (or can we just say "K")...but asks in a way that it's clear J wants nothing but the best for me in this next relationship. So while I'm not as close to J as we were, we still are close and I can only hope I help him along on his road as much as he helps me still (which sort of feels almost like a betrayal to K. UGH. Can I trade my brain in? I guess that's a different thread altogether.)

I'm working hard to just trust my feelings and not second guess myself. It really helps because J has given nearly the exact same advice you have...so again, it helps to have your more objective advice.

It was a short time span, but I had a similar process as you. I also met a few different guys before K and went on a couple of dates with different guys after my first date with K. But on that first date, I knew that if he was being authentic, K was something special; the second and third dates confirmed it. It's only a month and a half into it, but I haven't seen the cracks in the facade like I've seen with others, J included...that tends to make me think K presented no facade, just the real him.

I'm very excited for you as you and Mr. move forward. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

 

[Keroin]

K was something special

Special K.








Sorry, couldn't resist.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Special K.








Sorry, couldn't resist.

LOVE IT...'cause I already thought it during my boring dating blog writing, but it just looks better if it comes from someone else, especially another K.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Lizzie - I had to mull this over because, yes, I am still friendly with springtime guy (or can we just say "J") and he is a great cheerleader. Yet, for multiple reasons, I feel odd talking about J. The biggest reason is y'all were probably sick of hearing me talk about him since he made me smile every day for a good long while.

Part of why I think I feel weird about falling twice is I have never left one relationship and been actively encouraged by that person to pursue something better. J does that and asks frequent questions about my new guy (or can we just say "K")...but asks in a way that it's clear J wants nothing but the best for me in this next relationship. So while I'm not as close to J as we were, we still are close and I can only hope I help him along on his road as much as he helps me still (which sort of feels almost like a betrayal to K. UGH. Can I trade my brain in? I guess that's a different thread altogether.)

I'm working hard to just trust my feelings and not second guess myself. It really helps because J has given nearly the exact same advice you have...so again, it helps to have your more objective advice.

It was a short time span, but I had a similar process as you. I also met a few different guys before K and went on a couple of dates with different guys after my first date with K. But on that first date, I knew that if he was being authentic, K was something special; the second and third dates confirmed it. It's only a month and a half into it, but I haven't seen the cracks in the facade like I've seen with others, J included...that tends to make me think K presented no facade, just the real him.

I'm very excited for you as you and Mr. move forward. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Your J sounds like the OL relationship I had before making the jump to RL stuff. He actually encouraged me to go meet people RL and start looking for a relationship that would fulfil all my needs.

I did, and it was good for a bit, and then it wasn't, but I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do when relating to someone in a relationship. I very much believe that people enter and leave your life when they're supposed to, and that there's a reason for every single one of them, even if it isn't immediately recogniseable. The trick is knowing when the really important ones are right in front of you, and being ready for it.

And like you, I knew Mr was pretty special the first time I met him. There was just something about him that made me feel calm, and relaxed and at peace. When he touched me it was electric. Those were all feelings I trusted.

 

[Philotes]

The trick is knowing when the really important ones are right in front of you, and being ready for it.

Lizzie, that is one helluva trick

I don't suppose you could teach it to me, could you?