The end of a Relationship

[Luna_Wolf72]

Just a few days ago, if someone would have asked me about my Sir and I, I would have said that we were fine. Alas, I was wrong. Within the past 24 hours I have been disabused of my notions. He can not Top me effectively nor does he have the inclination or temperment to admit when he is wrong.

As a Dominant female myself, I realize that no one is perfect. I myself am far from perfect but I know that if things are wrong one has to compromise to fix them. This is not a case of Topping versus' bottoming, this is a case of two people who are no longer compatible in the BDSM sense.

My question is then, is it possible to maintain an open relationship without the BDSM aspect if you still want the person in your life? Though I'm angry I still love him and I don't want this to be an end.

I can indulge my Dominant self without him though my maso self will be at a loss until I can find someone else to give this to me. The question though is still the same: is there a way for me to keep him without the added pressure of BDSM.

thanks in advance
Luna

 

[TaintedB]

The question though is still the same: is there a way for me to keep him without the added pressure of BDSM.

Luna

I would think that a lot of this depends on him and his needs and whether they are compatible with your change of heart. You may not think he's a dominant or not a good dominant for you, but he's probably still going to want to have bdsm sex with him on top, isn't he? If not with you than maybe others? Could you deal with that latter scenario? Finally, I can understand you wanting to keep the companionship and friendship part of your relationship but, assuming you never do bdsm again, do either of you have enough straight-sex interests to keep each other going sexually?

A couple of questions: how long has this relationship been going on? Also, if it isn't too private, what specifically did he do that made you convinced he could not top you?

 

[snowy ciara]

First off, big old hugs and sympathy....

My question is then, is it possible to maintain an open relationship without the BDSM aspect if you still want the person in your life? Though I'm angry I still love him and I don't want this to be an end.

Luna

I don't know. On one hand, I'd say yes, if the other part of the equation is willing, as you are. On the other hand, kat's going through a similar situation with her ex, and it's so not working out. But he seems to be a bit more grown up than the ex has been acting, lately.

 

[Netzach]

I think any configuration and any *thing* is possible in theory, especially when you are poly....

how that works and if it works is completely up to the individuals involved.

He will have to be on the same page as you, I think, and that may take some time.

I hope this works out for you all, you are a special lady.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I would think that a lot of this depends on him and his needs and whether they are compatible with your change of heart. You may not think he's a dominant or not a good dominant for you, but he's probably still going to want to have bdsm sex with him on top, isn't he? If not with you than maybe others? Could you deal with that latter scenario? Finally, I can understand you wanting to keep the companionship and friendship part of your relationship but, assuming you never do bdsm again, do either of you have enough straight-sex interests to keep each other going sexually?

A couple of questions: how long has this relationship been going on? Also, if it isn't too private, what specifically did he do that made you convinced he could not top you?

Thanks for the response: first of all he and I are already involved in an open relationship so I have no problem with him getting his top fix elsewhere. Sexually we are stil compatible, but the rest of our relationship is what needs the work.

The relationship (in all it's guises) has been a little over 3 years. We started off as friends and continued with the friendship through break-ups and cheating and the like.

This time though, he walked away when I needed him. I woud rather not get into the details but it was bad enough that I put myself into the hospital for fear of suicide. He went to a party instead of providing the support I needed. At this point I am not even sure why I still want him, I just know that I do. Silly, yes?

 

[Vixandra]

First of all- *huggles and comforting purrs*

I believe that if two people are truely in love then the lack of certain things, like D/s, or S/M are less important in the relationship then the bond between the two.

Sometimes though, no matter how much love there is, certain people just can't/shouldn't be together as a couple. Friends yes but lovers no. Not because of any fault or lacking between them but that's just how they line up together. To force something that should not be there will only lead to heartache to all involved.

Luna, I wish I had better words of comfort to offer, something to lift your spirits, but those words won't come.

Goddess be with you now more then ever.

 

[TaintedB]

This time though, he walked away when I needed him. ... At this point I am not even sure why I still want him, I just know that I do. Silly, yes?

No! I can relate to this all too well.

I am very glad to hear you're going to look for a different style of dominant-top, however. You're absolutely right, IMO, not to trust him again after this. I'm so sorry this one let you see his actual abilities in such a hard way.

 

[RomyDelaney]

Thanks for the response: first of all he and I are already involved in an open relationship so I have no problem with him getting his top fix elsewhere. Sexually we are stil compatible, but the rest of our relationship is what needs the work.

The relationship (in all it's guises) has been a little over 3 years. We started off as friends and continued with the friendship through break-ups and cheating and the like.

This time though, he walked away when I needed him. I woud rather not get into the details but it was bad enough that I put myself into the hospital for fear of suicide. He went to a party instead of providing the support I needed. At this point I am not even sure why I still want him, I just know that I do. Silly, yes?

*hugs* Luna. You need to look after your own heart. I hope that things work out the way you need and want them to.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thanks for the response: first of all he and I are already involved in an open relationship so I have no problem with him getting his top fix elsewhere. Sexually we are stil compatible, but the rest of our relationship is what needs the work.

The relationship (in all it's guises) has been a little over 3 years. We started off as friends and continued with the friendship through break-ups and cheating and the like.

This time though, he walked away when I needed him. I woud rather not get into the details but it was bad enough that I put myself into the hospital for fear of suicide. He went to a party instead of providing the support I needed. At this point I am not even sure why I still want him, I just know that I do. Silly, yes?

I am sorry to hear of your disappointments and send lots of positive vibes your way. I also don't think you are silly for feeling you still want him, it is a natural process to go through, especially at this stage. It could be simply a matter of the heart needing to catch up with the mind, and the letting go of what you thought was real for what you now know is not all you hoped for, need, and deserve.

That being said, as much as I am an advocate for maintaining friendships after break ups if possible and wanted by both, perhaps for your long term happiness it would be better to have a clean break...maybe a friendship later on, but disentangle yourself from any aspects which may increase your pain or threaten your resolve at this point in time. It is so easy to fall back into something we didn't really want to let go of but found we had to, simply because emotions become involved and the clear lines can become blurred.

There is also the aspect of while you are with someone even if only sexually, you are going to use energy on that which you could be using to find someone compatible as a Dominant/Top for you....not to mention it can become an excuse to not look so hard, step backward, and confuse or put off others who might be interested in a relationship with you on those terms. Either way, you are a smart woman and know in your soul what is right for you....I have confidence in your ability to make the choices you need to make to bring you the happiness you deserve.

Catalina

 

[witcha]

Really sorry Luna*sending lots of hugs* not sure what else I could say besides wishing you all the best and will wait with my pervy pm till you get better

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Thanks everybody

We decided between us that we were going to forgo anything BDSM-ish for the nonce. I left the decision in his hands simply because I had been the one to decide how we were going to carry things from the begining and it never worked.

We have also decided to forgo sex and work on the intimacy instead.That was HIS decision. I am guessing that he has decided that his part in all of this was unforgivable. (and I also happen to agree with him). He had responded like an angry Dom instead of a caring boyfriend when I needed him most. We both know that he can not do both and so we have decided to do neither.

I can not tell you all how much your kind words and PM's have meant to me. I forget sometimes how sweet my friends are.

Tainted a special thank you to both you and Catalina. Ya'll are the reason I continue to post here.

Luna

 

[shy slave]

Thanks for the response: first of all he and I are already involved in an open relationship so I have no problem with him getting his top fix elsewhere. Sexually we are stil compatible, but the rest of our relationship is what needs the work.

The relationship (in all it's guises) has been a little over 3 years. We started off as friends and continued with the friendship through break-ups and cheating and the like.

This time though, he walked away when I needed him. I woud rather not get into the details but it was bad enough that I put myself into the hospital for fear of suicide. He went to a party instead of providing the support I needed. At this point I am not even sure why I still want him, I just know that I do. Silly, yes?

Silly ~ NO NO NO

Sometimes we make excuses for them by saying they did not truelly understand the situation and if they had things would have been different.

No-one can tell you what do next or what will happen, but always put your health in all its forms first.

If he cannot do that, you must.

Your mental health is an essential part of you, if it helps to have him in your life at the moment that is what you must do, if it helps to have him out of your life at the moment then that is what you must do.

Whatever happens people here care about xxxx