The Empire Strikes Back (humor)

[BlackShanglan]

Loved this:

Home Office (London, UK) to the People of America
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.
a. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

b. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

c. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".

d. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

e. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

a. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. British accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

a. You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast British actors to play British characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

a. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

b. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.


7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.

a. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

b. "Merde" is French for "Shit".

c. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day".


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

a. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

b. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

a. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.

b. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.


11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

a. The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Ceské Budejovicé a.k.a. Budweis, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.

a. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).


14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

 

[BlackShanglan]

And the American response:

To the imperialist British colonizers
DECLARATION OF ANNEXATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AS PART OF THE USA:
(In Response to the previous)

In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. And as for Lye-cester... You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".

2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.

3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.

4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain an American in the starring role. All American characters should be 'good guys'.

5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".

8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".

9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.

10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.

11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children with surnames or after interesting medical conditions.

12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the entire population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

13. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: Regarding WWII: You're welcome.

Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

 

[CrazyyAngel]

ROFL ... .

CA

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Brilliant!!!

 

[DJHyrrikhayne]

Too funny...

 

[cloudy]

13. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

PMSL!!!!

 

[TheEarl]

6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.

I found that one hilarious. Although probably not for the reason that the author intended.

The Earl

 

[BlackShanglan]

I loved the display I saw at the Natural History Museum in London. They had a series of (real) speculations on why the dinosaurs died out, followed by some jokes. The one titled "Boredom" was a cartoon of a group of dinosaurs standing about; one, with a bright look on his face, is announcing, "I've discovered this great new game! It's called cricket!"

Shanglan

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'll go with the English on the beer issue. Also the metric system and aluminium

It's standard prartice to give all metallic elements names that end in ium (sodium, potassium, zirconium...) and only metals that have been known for a long time are grandfathered out (iron, mercury, tin...). Aluminum should by all rights be aluminium.

The US's refusual to adopt the metric system is dumb and wasteful. For some reason, people think that they'd have to start converting things from inches and feet to meters any time they'd want to measure something, and refuse to remember that a cm is about the width of a little finger, a meter's about a yard, and liter's about a quart. Every time I teach a science course we've got to waste a week going over these most elementary facts.

You see people in the US trying to figure out how many ounces there are in a third of a cup or how many yards there are in a mile or whether 11/32 of an inch is bigger or smaller than 3/8's and they put up with this nonsense because they're just too dumb and stubborn to go metric.

As for American beer: it's made to pass right through you so you can drink more of it. There's not a country on earth that has worse beer than the USA.

---dr.M.

 

[carsonshepherd]

As for American beer: it's made to pass right through you so you can drink more of it. There's not a country on earth that has worse beer than the USA.

---dr.M. [/B]

Amen, that's why I drink so much of it, I have to if I want to get a decent buzz. European beer is so much more efficient. 5 of those and I'm done for the night!

 

[BlackShanglan]

I'll go with the English on the beer issue. Also the metric system and aluminium

I cling to the Imperial system for no reason at all, particularly given that I cannot accurately visualize any length, volume, or weight in it anyway. I think I just like the familiar-sounding words. But do go on, Dr. M, and lead the metric revolution - I can promise you my apathy.

Of course, on the beer issue, I am a convert already. Stout's my drink, or cider if I am having a light night.

And damnit. You do actually will in aluminium. It makes perfect sense. I never thought of it that way before.

Shall I begin now with the new spelling and pronunciation? If all of the cool kids start doing it, the rest will fall in line.

Shanglan

 

[rikaaim]

I just have a brief interjection, which does go against the overall acceptance of the humor. How many of us really look beyond our own lives? We all have our own little bubble that we live in. Whether it be big or small, we have our friends, our spots, and our homes. We have our routines, our jobs, and our lives. We have stress, love, and a plethora of other emotions bombarding our state of mental stability at all times. How, in today's chaotic world, are these things even truly relevant? Live for today, today. Care about those around you always. Those you hate, care for them even more for they are the ones that need it the most. Care for those you can not see, for no one else may. Who cares what beer is drunk, or which president is in charge or what sports are played? We can not control ANY of that anyway. Control what you can, cope with what you can not, and always look for the love. Sorry to bring the whole board down, but this really got to me.

 

[Liar]

I found that one hilarious. Although probably not for the reason that the author intended.

The Earl

Ditto. Although, more cheerleaders would be nice.

 

[Just-Legal]

I found that one hilarious. Although probably not for the reason that the author intended.

The Earl

I volunteer to start the cheerleading team for Earl's rugby squad. They'd always win - the other team would be too busy watching bouncing boobies

((We'd blinker your side Earl, after all, you lot get to take the cheerleaders home ))

 

[BlackShanglan]

Literotica cheerleaders. I think we've just discovered the atom bomb of sporting events.

 

[Just-Legal]

You'd better believe it!

 

[carsonshepherd]

Shall I begin now with the new spelling and pronunciation? If all of the cool kids start doing it, the rest will fall in line.

Shanglan

You did say cool kids. Maybe Perdita should start... and Liar...

 

[cheerful_deviant]

I dare one of you English blokes to nail that first declaration to the door of the NRA office in Texas.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I dare one of you English blokes to nail that first declaration to the door of the NRA office in Texas.

It would be just my luck that they would hear the hammer-blows, assume gunshots, and reduce half of the downtown area to Swiss cheese before the little misunderstanding was cleared up. I think I shall leave this duty to some genuine English folks, happy though I normally am to assist.

Shanglan

 

[BlackShanglan]

You did say cool kids. Maybe Perdita should start... and Liar...

Are you accusing me of not being cool?

Right. Pistols. Hyde Park. Dawn.

(Actually it reminds me of the old Calvin and Hobbes cartoon in which Calvin determines that they need an "attitude," because cool people have "attitudes." Hobbes suggests that they try "politely deferential." Alas, I listened.)

Shanglan

 

[Xelebes]

As being someone who has adopted as their prefered way of measurement, here is some of my peculiarities:

• Here we go.
  
• I can visualise a foot but not a yard, I have to use metres in that regard. We still measure height with feet and inches and measure horses with hands.
  
• An inch I can visualise but once you start dividing, I have to ask that we start measuring in centimetres and millimetres. It's not too cumbersome either to say. An squeak is a millimitere and an eek is a centimetre.
  
• And to hell with the Imperial wet and dry volume measures. Litres and millilitres (mills) please.
  
• I cannot comprehend a mile. Kilometres (clicks) please and for measuring speed, kilometres per hour (clicks) are prefered.
  
• Pounds are ok, but once we start talking ounces and imperial tons, I'm lost. We measure human weight with pounds over kilograms and measure bovine mass with pounds as that is how the stuff is sold on the markets. But anything else, kilograms please.
  
• POUNDS NEVER MEASURE FORCE! WHAT KIND OF PERVERSION OF MEASUREMENT IS THAT???!!!!
  
• Fahrenheit? I can not comprehend the numbers used for that. Celsius makes much more sense to me. Freezing is actually 0 Celsius not some sick uneven number in the Fahrenheit scale.

That's pretty much it.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

As a writer using American English, I always wince a little as we call it English. It feels like being a pirate.

Arrgh, ye limey bastards, we've got your language and we're going t'make it walk the plank.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Are you accusing me of not being cool?

Right. Pistols. Hyde Park. Dawn.

(Actually it reminds me of the old Calvin and Hobbes cartoon in which Calvin determines that they need an "attitude," because cool people have "attitudes." Hobbes suggests that they try "politely deferential." Alas, I listened.)

Shanglan

I wondered if you'd ever get that...

I was waiting at dawn but you never showed, so I guess that means I win! Drop the pistols or the alpaca gets it!

As far as metric, we learned both in school. I'm "bi" in distance measurements, until we get to kilometers, then I go fuzzy. I can do the liter/millileter thing, but not the grams/kilograms thing. I can barely do the ounces thing, let alone metric.

Fahrenheit is stupid, isn't it? It took me the longest to learn it because it doesn't make any sense. Freezing should be Zero. Many things involving numbers are confusing to me. I couldn't do fractions and percentages correctly until I was almost in junior high, but I taught myself to read before I turned four...

Ah well.

 

[Just-Legal]

I use both, its quite scary. I have to translate metric to imperial for my grandfather... LOL

 

[Lisa Denton]

You can forget the rest of america. When you tell a Texan you're gonna take his gun he, or she in my case, will slap you with one hand and shoot you with the other. Also when you decide to change the name of Texas to Texasshire that will cause what will go down in history as the true fall of the British Empire.

Warm beer, you britsy types like the taste of bullets, don't ya?

Drive on the wrong side of the road? We do that after a cold 12 pack anyhow.

And don't give us that "who killed J.F.K.?" crap tryin to draw suspicion off of you guys, we got enough conspiracy theories to go around.


Anywho, go drink another piss warm beer and invade some country who can understand your wacky sense of humour.

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