The Dukk Quacks Back!

[Guest]

Greetings all!

Yes, it's me... still alive, though very tired from working all the shifts I've been on (10+ hours at a time). Yet, for all that, I did finally manage to finish a new story! It's in the Sci-Fi & Fantasy catagory, titled "Return to Shepherdess' Bluff".

You can find it here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=36228

Any and all feedback would be appreciated, especially from the old hands on the boards (nods to KillerMuffin). Please Vote and vote often!

Maintain and Check Six!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Peg,

It's 2:00AM here in Dallas which means I'm just going to give you a quick down and dirty critique on your first few paragraphs. I'll try to finish your story later.

IMHO, you paint a scenic picture and set up some interesting possibilities, but your descriptions are often wordy and your dialogue needs work. I'd also suggest to ease off on the exclaimation marks. I'll put my comments and suggestions in CAPS. RF


A light snow started falling amid the tall aspen trees and pines surrounding the rocky foothills by sunset, turning the vista into a picture-postcard scene of days long-past. (IF THE SNOW HAS JUST "STARTED FALLING" HOW DID THE SCENRY GET SO PICTURESQUE SO QUICKLY?) Long before the start of December, the country hills and valleys surrounding Shepherdess' Bluff were mantled under a covering of white, laced through with breaks of green and browns. (IF IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME, AND THE SNOW THAT'S FALLING IS "TURNING THE VISTA..." HOW COME THE SNOW THAT STATED FALLING "LONG BEFORE DECEMBER" HAS ALREADY MANAGED THAT FEAT?) Overhead, the dusky sky (SKY'S DON'T PEPPER, THEY GET PEPPERED. MAYBE "THE DUSKY SKY WAS ALREADY PEPPERED WITH...") already started to pepper with a few sparkles from the winter starfields, highlighted by the single crescent of a silver moon.

Icy gravel crunched solidly (AS OPPOSED TO WHAT KIND OF CRUNCH?) under the wheels of Terry Shackleford's truck as she steered it towards the pine-plank house on the hill before them ("THEM" WHO? THE BOY WON'T BE INTRODUCED UNTIL THE NEXT PARAGRAPH). Crouched (WEBSTER'S DEF: STOOPED LOW WITH KNEES BENT) in the driver's seat, Terry craned her neck down, looking out past the windshield over the picket-line fence beside the winding road, spying (TENSE CHANGE FROM "CROUCHED" AND "CRANED" TO "SPYING") the blue-gray curl of smoke coming from the low chimney, and the soft glow of amber light coming from the windows.

"Well, were (WE'RE) here! Looks like Dad's still awake, for a change," she said gustily, (MAY WILD GRAMMARIANS INFEST YOUR WORD PROCESSOR FOR USING "GUSTILY") shaking her sun-blonde hair out of her eyes as she turned to glance at her son in the passenger seat. "Are you sure you want to stay here for another Christmas, honey?" At forty-two, she felt she should know the mind of her oldest child like the back of her hand. (IMHO, THAT LAST SENTENCE, AS WRITTEN, DOESN'T REFER TO ANYTHING IN THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH.)

Without turning to look at her, Jamie-Ray just smiled while rolling his eyes privately. (POV SHIFT) "Ma, you've been asking that since we left Rumsford, and that was two days ago!" He shifted his long frame slightly, beginning to show signs of wanting to get out of there so he could (REPLACE "...OF THERE SO HE COULD..." WITH "AND") stretch after the (CHANGE "THE" TO "THIS") last leg of their long drive.

"Well, I just can't understand it! For a young man of twenty, you confuse me at the darndest times," Terry admitted. "I mean, your father and I had such wonderful plans to head for Cozumel with you and your sister for the holidays. Yet, for all that tempting sunshine-." (THIS DIALOGUE NEEDS WORK, A LOT OF WORK. YOU MIGHT START BY ASKING A FRIEND TO READ IT OUT LOUD.)

"Ma, come on!" Jamie-Ray just chuckled. (HOW COULD HE "JUST" CHUCKLE IF HE'S TALKING?) "I don't mind spending another Christmas at Granddad's place." Looking at her now, his dark eyes were twinkling with tolerant amusement. "Besides," he added, brushing his own sandy locks back with a stray hand, (OMIT "WITH A STRAY HAND" UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO TELL THE READER WHAT THE OTHER HAND IS DOING) "I think he likes having the company around!" (WHY USE EXCLAIMATION MARKS HERE AND AFTER THE FIRST SENTENCE?)

Terry had to chuckle at that. (MOTHER & SON ARE BOTH CHUCKLING FOOLS-DROP AT LEAST ONE OF THEM.) "My father...he's been a hermit for twenty years, and now he gets the notion that he likes company again!" Sighing, she reached over to grip her son's near (OMIT "NEAR" IT'S SELF-EVIDENT) shoulder. "Honey, I know it's what you want, but are you sure? We can still get you a ticket for the plane ride down?"

James patted his mother's hand and shook his head. "Thanks, but I think I'll stick with Granddad! (IMHO, THERE'S ALMOST NO WAY THAT CAN BE AN EXCLAIMATORY SENTENCE) You and Dad and Molly (WILL?) have a great time in Mexico without me."

I hope some of that helped. All of it is nothing more than my opinion. But who knows, with luck, some of it might actually be valid. RF