The Difference Between Homeless and Helpless

[mikey2much]

I went to Wal-Mart the other day and met a neighbor; while we were talking by our cars an old woman approached us. She was panhandling for money. She was maybe sixty years old but still moved like a much younger person. After I gave her a dollar and she moved on to other targets, my friend told me that she was a crack whore and that he had known her for years. He told me that she gave blowjobs for crack rock in the quarters (which translates into the poorer sections of town where the population is mostly black)

This woman as been in my mind now ever since that time. There is a part of me that admires her independent spirit, while at the same time I have a great deal of pity for her also. I have talked to her since then and she asked me on one occasion to give her a ride across town to a motel where she was going to meet a friend. She told me that she has no family and no children, and that she lives in some abandoned buildings behind a tire shop.

This story that is posting today is in a way based on her and what her life must be like.
While she is still free and not taking anything from the government, she must be fighting an up hill battle to stay alive. When she is fighting this battle with the normal population the odds are fifty-fifty but what would happen if she was asking for help and the wrong guy offered to give it to her? This story is based on her but is completely fictional.

The Difference Between Homeless and Helpless

Let me know what you think.
thanks, mikey

 

[Varian P]

Goodness, that's quite a story you've penned. It's squirmy and scary and, in a twisted way, really satisfying.

There were a few pieces of information I wish you'd handed out a bit more discreetly:

When the cop is searching Rita's bag, maybe you could have him give her a hard time about some other item, and mention the razor blades only in passing, among other items she stuff back into her bag. As it reads now, I knew exactly what she was hiding under her breast, and saw the comeuppance from miles off.

Less critical to the plot, but more jarring from a technical/narrative standpoint, maybe you should let us learn about the reward from the killer's internal monologue earlier. That way it would be more of a dramatic irony, rather than a narrator just telling us, "well, she didn't know about the reward she could have gotten..." and it wouldn't be so incongruous with the rest of the text, which seems to alternate between Rita's POV and the killer's.

I also think it might be more suspenseful, and more engaging if you let us figure out that he's a serial killer, rather than lay it out for us up-front. As soon as she gets in the car with a man she doesn't know, we'll be tense and suspicious of his motives, and as you reveal more and more of what he's thinking, we'll get more and more worried for her.

Still, as your story stands now, it's a pretty fascinating glimpse of two dysfunctional, predatory people, it held my attention, and, yes, I'll admit it, it was even disturbingly arousing at times.

Good job.

-Varian

 

[mjl2010]

Interesting Story and a good read. Well done.

MJL

 

[mikey2much]

thank you

Goodness, that's quite a story you've penned. It's squirmy and scary and, in a twisted way, really satisfying.

There were a few pieces of information I wish you'd handed out a bit more discreetly:

When the cop is searching Rita's bag, maybe you could have him give her a hard time about some other item, and mention the razor blades only in passing, among other items she stuff back into her bag. As it reads now, I knew exactly what she was hiding under her breast, and saw the comeuppance from miles off.

Less critical to the plot, but more jarring from a technical/narrative standpoint, maybe you should let us learn about the reward from the killer's internal monologue earlier. That way it would be more of a dramatic irony, rather than a narrator just telling us, "well, she didn't know about the reward she could have gotten..." and it wouldn't be so incongruous with the rest of the text, which seems to alternate between Rita's POV and the killer's.

I also think it might be more suspenseful, and more engaging if you let us figure out that he's a serial killer, rather than lay it out for us up-front. As soon as she gets in the car with a man she doesn't know, we'll be tense and suspicious of his motives, and as you reveal more and more of what he's thinking, we'll get more and more worried for her.

Still, as your story stands now, it's a pretty fascinating glimpse of two dysfunctional, predatory people, it held my attention, and, yes, I'll admit it, it was even disturbingly arousing at times.

Good job.

-Varian

Very good points, I think that you're right about letting the reward come out through his thoughts. It just never occured to me to do it that way. I guess that I was copying John Sandford with calling the man a killer from the start.

About the razor blades, I had already completed the story and went back and added the part about the cops, in the first version the story started with the lines, The killer had seen the old woman before. I was afraid that the readers would think that I had pulled those blades out of my ass and injected them into the story. I guess that I made it a little too simple by doing it the way that I did.

You know I had three other stories that I was working on when I saw this woman in the parking lot and the story just seemed to flow off the keyboard with little input from me.

Often after a story has been up a while I will polish it up a bit and re-submit it later. You make some good points and I think they might find their way into the story if I re-write it later.
thanks,
mikey

 

[mikey2much]

thanks

Interesting Story and a good read. Well done.

MJL

Hey I am glad that you liked it. It was funny how it almost wrote itself.
ahain thanks for the feedback.
mikey

 

[drksideofthemoon]

The story itself was okay.

My major problem was with your description of her.

Her body was trim, probably as much from hunger as from exercise.

From excersize? She would probably be emaciated.

She still had young eyes though she must be close to sixty.

About the first thing you will notice about someone addicted to crack, or meth is their eyes, they are almost dead looking. Not to mention a tweeker's eyes don't stop moving for a second...not to mention their arms and legs.

She had nice breasts, bigger than his mother's, they hung on her chest like two tears.

This sounds more like a healthy twenty to thirty year old. She is probably underweight, and under nourished. If she is an addict, her next high is all that matters, food doesn't.

Most hardcore addicts that are in the 30's and 40's look like they are in their 60's, not many of them live to be 60, not without a radical lifestyle intervention.

While your story itself was okay, I think your portrayal of an old, homeless woman fell short.

 

[rachlou]

I agree with Drk, your portrayal of the woman seemed a little off. In my head she came across more like someone younger.

I liked the story though. It was an interesting take on two self serving individuals; neither of them very likeable, but they both felt real. I liked the way you portrayed her greed - selling her soul for the chance to live a normal life even if only for a few days. It was rather poignant in a way - she just wanted to be like normal people again.

Apart from the typo's and other minor errors, it was a story that definitely grabbed and sucked me in.

Good story.

 

[mikey2much]

I was trying to write what I saw

The story itself was okay.

My major problem was with your description of her.

Her body was trim, probably as much from hunger as from exercise.

From excersize? She would probably be emaciated.

She still had young eyes though she must be close to sixty.

About the first thing you will notice about someone addicted to crack, or meth is their eyes, they are almost dead looking. Not to mention a tweeker's eyes don't stop moving for a second...not to mention their arms and legs.

She had nice breasts, bigger than his mother's, they hung on her chest like two tears.

This sounds more like a healthy twenty to thirty year old. She is probably underweight, and under nourished. If she is an addict, her next high is all that matters, food doesn't.

Most hardcore addicts that are in the 30's and 40's look like they are in their 60's, not many of them live to be 60, not without a radical lifestyle intervention.

While your story itself was okay, I think your portrayal of an old, homeless woman fell short.

Hi dark,

You know, I know what you mean about her seeming in good shape for an old crack whore. I didn't make this woman up, I watched her as she walked over to my car much as she did in the story. I had never seen her before but she did ask me for a ride to a motel that is across the road fom a catholic church.

She was in my car and she used the words "I do anything for money" when I asked her if she had a job . She was an old woman but I guess the rough life she lives on the street keeps her in shape. The part about her detailing cars was from her not me.

As I let her out at the motel which was next to a huddle house, I asked her if she had eaten today and she said no, not since morning, so I got us both supper. When I left she was still eating so I left her five bucks and paid the bill.
I see her fom time to time and I have asked other people about her. She was and still is real. I have never seen her breast so I might have fudged there a bit.
mikey

 

[mikey2much]

I agree with Drk, your portrayal of the woman seemed a little off. In my head she came across more like someone younger.

I liked the story though. It was an interesting take on two self serving individuals; neither of them very likeable, but they both felt real. I liked the way you portrayed her greed - selling her soul for the chance to live a normal life even if only for a few days. It was rather poignant in a way - she just wanted to be like normal people again.

Apart from the typo's and other minor errors, it was a story that definitely grabbed and sucked me in.

Good story.

If I had it to write over I think that I would explain to the reader a little more about how the old woman saw this guy with the wallet full of money luring her into the wilderness, as a chance to break out of her rut, an opportunity.
For the price of a dead asshole, she could have a second chance. Also see the reply to dark's post about the old woman. I didn't make her up.
thanks for reading my story.
mikey

 

[starrkers]

I finally got to it, Mikey. I liked it, but I didn't love it. The concept is wonderful, but (isn't there always a but!) it just mised the mark for me.

I didn't ever get a real feeling for either character. The killer seemed too indecisive for someone who'd had many kills and a large reward on his head. He didn't feed on her fear as I would've expected. he felt more like a first or second timer than an experienced killer - I would've expected his feelings for his mother to have become more obvious during his attacks - the victims to have almost become mother in his eyes - by now.
And the woman read more like a hard luck late 30s than the age you wanted her to be. She reminded me of a couple of heroin addicts I've seen in court. I thought they were in their forties and found out during the hearing that one was 18 the other 22. But she also didn't ring true for a drug addict to me. There was too much "life" in her. Most druggies I've seen that are down enough on their luck to be on the street have a dead look to them - they don't care about anything but the next fix, they wouldn't think in terms of grandmothers and garden clubs.

One small continuity point: you said she was wearing a t-shirt when she got in the car, but she unbuttoned a blouse when paid to undress. There's a couple of typos and misspellings too, but nothing major.
As I said, before I launched into the huge characterisation nitpick, I liked it.

 

[mikey2much]

valid point about the blouse buttons

I finally got to it, Mikey. I liked it, but I didn't love it. The concept is wonderful, but (isn't there always a but!) it just mised the mark for me.

I didn't ever get a real feeling for either character. The killer seemed too indecisive for someone who'd had many kills and a large reward on his head. He didn't feed on her fear as I would've expected. he felt more like a first or second timer than an experienced killer - I would've expected his feelings for his mother to have become more obvious during his attacks - the victims to have almost become mother in his eyes - by now.
And the woman read more like a hard luck late 30s than the age you wanted her to be. She reminded me of a couple of heroin addicts I've seen in court. I thought they were in their forties and found out during the hearing that one was 18 the other 22. But she also didn't ring true for a drug addict to me. There was too much "life" in her. Most druggies I've seen that are down enough on their luck to be on the street have a dead look to them - they don't care about anything but the next fix, they wouldn't think in terms of grandmothers and garden clubs.

One small continuity point: you said she was wearing a t-shirt when she got in the car, but she unbuttoned a blouse when paid to undress. There's a couple of typos and misspellings too, but nothing major.
As I said, before I launched into the huge characterisation nitpick, I liked it.

You know Starrkers, I was trying to use a woman that I met in a parking lot situation not unlike the one in the story, as a model to base the old woman in the story on. it was only later that I learned that she was a crack whore and lived in some abandoned building off the hiway a bit. This old woman was very much alive. I bought her breakfast and we talked for 30 minutes while she ate. Everything she told me was a lie.

She was not a nice person but she was an old woman that you wanted to help if you could. She used this tendacy to want to help as a weapon, playing on your good nature to get a little deeper into your pocket. She told me that her husband had abandoned her for a younger woman. Told me that they had put her out as they passed through town and kept driving, leaving her with nothing to live on. Later I found out that she was born and raised right here in town. So when I was writing this I thought of her and used her to go by. But I do see your point. Thanks for the feedback.
mikey