The Devil's Dictionary and other appropriate aphorisms

[AngelicAssassin]

Thought i'd start a thread for folks to put their favorites from AB and any other notable quotes that contained a little razor from the tongue. Maybe folks could stick to topic in the other threads if they dripped their venom here.

Here's my example:

CYNIC, n.
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

Edited after killing the spellchecker.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Anton Chekhov

"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out."

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am whipp'd and scourg'd with rods, Nettled, and stung with pismires, when I hear Of this vile politician.

Henry IV Part 1, 1. 3

Francisco.

 

[catalina_francisco]

George Mikes
Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles.

Francisco.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

MOUTH, n.
In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

sevenup

Woman

1: a member of the fair sex.
=> antithesis: man - a member of the unfair sex.
2: what many men prefer.
3: what some women prefer... because they've met too many men.
4: a person... too bad so many forget this...

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
if it weren't for women,
your johnson would rust.

sevenup

 

[catalina_francisco]

The difference between a masochist and a sadist:
A masochist says, "Please, please hurt me?"
A sadist answers, "No."


source unknown
Francisco.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Witch

n.
(1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil.
(2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

From Martha's yearbook

"I do as I please, and I do it with ease."

 

[Bitchslapper]

"Your life does in fact flash before your eyes when you die...it's called living." --Terry Pratchett

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Olin Miller

"If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date."

 

[esclave_PP]

DISOBEDIENCE, n.
The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

PAIN, n.
An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

PATIENCE, n.
A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

PENITENT, adj.
Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

SCARIFICATION, n.
A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice.

<b>And here are some pithy quotes:</b>

A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else. (David Farber)

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A lie is a terminological inexactitude.

Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Writers, like teeth, can be classified as incisors or grinders. (Unknown)

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

 

[catalina_francisco]

'Man is wise....when he recognizes no greater enemy than himself.....'

Margaret of Navarre


Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

The Art of War” Master Sun Tzu

So when the front is prepared, the rear is lacking, and when the rear is prepared the front is lacking.

Preparedness on the left means lack on the right, preparedness on the right means lack on the left.

Preparedness everywhere means lack everywhere.

(Tzu, p.108).

Francisco.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Murphys laws of Combat Operations

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

• When they're ready.
• When you're not.[/list=a]
  16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
  17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
  18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
  19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
  20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
  21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
  22. The easy way is always mined.
  23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
  24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
  25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
  26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
  27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
  28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
  30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
  31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
  32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
  34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
  35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
  36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
  37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
  38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
  39. Tracers work both ways.
  40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
  41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
  42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
  43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
  44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
  45. Weather ain't neutral.
  46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
  47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
  48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
  49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
  50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
  51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
  52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
  53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
  54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
  56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
  57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
  58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
  59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
  60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
  61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
  62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
  63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
  64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
  65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
  66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
  67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
  68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
  69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
  70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
  71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
  72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
  73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
  75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
  76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
  77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
  78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
  79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
  80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
  81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
  82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
  83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
  84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
  85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
  86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
  87. Murphy was a grunt.
  88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
  89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
  90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
  91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
  92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
  93. The crucial round is a dud.
  94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
  95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
  96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
  97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
  98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
  99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
  100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
  101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
  102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
  103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
  104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
  105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
  106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
  107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
  108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
  109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
  110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
  111. Walking point = sniper bait.
  112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
  113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
  114. All or any of the above combined.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

May you live in interesting times. ~ Unknown?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Love is an ideal thing, marriage is a real thing. A confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge that to let him keep her.
~ Sascha Guitry

Love is like a fruit. It may look good, but you shouldn't bite until it's ripe.
~ Nick Hertl

 

[LittleLambLost]

How about:

It is never wise to try to appear more clever than you are. It is sometimes wise to appear slightly less so.
-William Whitelaw

Those who restrain Desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
-William Blake

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.
-Mickey Rooney

and finally some Bierce:

Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.

 

[MasterNico]

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.'' - Tyler Durden

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Steven Wright

i put a blank tape in the stereo and played it full blast.

It drove the mime next door crazy.

 

[landcruisergal]

I'm into sadism, necrophyllia and bestiality.
Am I flogging a dead horse?
(graffiti on a toilet door)

 

[landcruisergal]

Active Evil is better than Passive Good.
William Blake

Martrydom is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
George Bernard Shaw

Love is like a snow mobile, racing along the tundra, suddenly it flips over, pinning you under it. At night the ice weasels come...
Matt Groening

 

[AngelicAssassin]

George Carlin/Steven Wright/et al

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[D's mariposa]

May you live in interesting times. ~ Unknown?

My TKD teacher said it was a Korean proverb. My Japanese instructor said it was Japanese. The guy who owns Panda House Mongolian Grill said it was a Chinese proverb.. So I'm guessin' Asian? (Maybe I should ask the guy at Billy-Bobs Bait Shop and Sushi Bar?)

 

[AngelicAssassin]

My TKD teacher said it was a Korean proverb. My Japanese instructor said it was Japanese. The guy who owns Panda House Mongolian Grill said it was a Chinese proverb.. So I'm guessin' Asian? (Maybe I should ask the guy at Billy-Bobs Bait Shop and Sushi Bar?)

Try the link again and scroll to the bottom. The modern day use originally came from a SciFi mag referencing an ancient Chinese curse. Still no definitive proof whether actually Chinese, or poetic license by the author of the SciFi work.