The day it all ended

[Lord Van]

The rain drops fall to my face
while I hold your lifeless body to my heart
while I hear the sirens
I remember of the times your lips spoke,
you voice so soft,
you were able to warm my cold heart.

I cry for you now
I touch your cold lips
remembering how warm and tender they once were,
when they were pressed against mines,
Now I sit there alone not knowing where to go,

not knowing if I want to keep on with out you,
I ask my self why they take you,
you were so innocent, you never did anyone harm.

Your only sin was to love,
it pains me to look forward
and not see you in my life anymore,
and I sit there while they take you away from me...

My soul dies
I am thrown into a never ending void without you...
I can’t hide from this pain,
I try to run from it but it knocks me over
and now you are not there to help me up.
I lay on the floor waiting for my time to die.
Times were I could join you again.

 

[HomerPindar]

Hey Van... First, as this is a rather sad poem on loss, let me start by pointing out that any comments on the poem are not meant as a commentary on the value or reality of what was written about. Saying this, only cause you're new, and dont really know how you'll respond to a critque, and certainly don't want to chase away a newbie...

The rain drops fall to my face
while I hold your lifeless body to my heart
[while] I hear the sirens
~Can do without this "while," the repitition from the line before is jarring
[and?] I remember of the times your lips spoke,
~maybe a bridging word that works better than "and," but something... very strong placement in these lines that I liked
you voice so soft,
you were able to warm my cold heart.

I cry for you now
~First, the pacing on this stanza is off from the last. This can be used to affect, but I don't feel it is here. Next, the impact of the first stanza becomes lost in the simplicity of this stanza. Don't tell, show - how do you cry? do you holdit in, refusing to let tears merge with raindrops? Does your body shake? After that first stanza that placed me there, I wanted to feel myself there...
I touch your cold lips
remembering how warm and tender they once were,
when they were pressed against mines,
Now I sit there alone not knowing where to go,

not knowing if I want to keep on with out you,
I ask my self why they take you,
you were so innocent, you never did anyone harm.

Your only sin was to love,
it pains me to look forward
and not see you in my life anymore,
and I sit there while they take you away from me...

My soul dies
~There's alot of cliche in these later stanza's, but I think the "My soul dies" is the biggie. Anyone can say these words, so the task here is to bring out something unique, personal, or original to the feeling. You don't have to say your soul dies - if you can describe how you feel I'll better understand the pain. In essences, you're writing an eulogy as well as a poem on pain, make sure the relation between you and your loss is made clear to the reader. Good luck at that, it aint easy.
I am thrown into a never ending void without you...
I can’t hide from this pain,
I try to run from it but it knocks me over
and now you are not there to help me up.
I lay on the floor waiting for my time to die.
Times were I could join you again.

A possible suggestion to a poem on loss and pain, include a contrast on what made you happy (avoid cliches). Let the reader know about that given day you don't forget, or something more personal.

HomerPindar

 

[Lord Van]

thanx for the critique is actualy hard to find someone that will take thier time and help thank you.

 

[HomerPindar]

thanx for the critique is actualy hard to find someone that will take thier time and help thank you.

not a problem, there's plenty of folks here who'll critique and review, glad you found it helpful

HomerPindar