The Darker Sorts of Corners

[CutieMouse]

Something I've been mulling over the last little while, has been my "development" (for lack of a better term) since I first figured out what this whole kinky thing was.

I'm not the person I was 5 years ago. A good thing, for the most part [I hope]. I'm okay with who I am; what I am [the whole submissive masochist thing]... however, lately I find myself mulling over much darker things than when I first started this meandering path.

I occasionally touch base - "Okay, has XYZ always been there, or is it a new development?" More often than not, if I do a mental flashlight-in-the-eyes interrogation scene on myself, the answer is the former. Occasionally the latter, but yeah... *ahem*

I'm not one to get hung up on the "whys" of what I am, but I do find myself occasionally pausing and wondering about the "where's" of what I am.

For those who have been at this whole juggling act far longer than I, have you found yourselves continually going deeper, darker, harder as time passes, or do you feel you reached a lasting moment of equilibrium along the way? Because part of me is laughing at myself for even giving it a passing thought (given that as much as singlehood sucks, the Mouse is likely to run screaming from relationship opportunities for a while), and the other part of me is thinking sooooo... 5ish years ago we thought the ultimate hotness was being bent over a Lover's desk after bringing him coffee, and now we think the ultimate hotness is all sorts of [details intentionally left out] delicious wickedness... where is this going to end, exactly? LOL

 

[BiBunny]

I don't have a good answer for you because I've not been pursuing this that long myself. Well, 5 or so years. But I haven't found an equilibrium for myself. I keep wanting more and more and more. It's kind of scary sometimes. I often wonder when (if?) it'll ever stop.

 

[twysted73]

Very insightful.

I've been at this for just a little under 10 years. I feel such potential within me to delve into new territory.

As I do so, I do feel I'm losing a lot of the innocence and nievite`as I progress into the darker corners of my ID.
At times it causes me to pause and ask myself "Did I really just contemplate/consider/say out loud there's a possibility I would engage in that activity?"

I think we have so much capacity for seemingly limitless expansion into all the things we enjoyed then, now and might in the future.
We, as beings within this structured society, will adhere to guidelines and limitations within ourselves using external as well as internal influences. Much like our own internal compass.

Asking yourself.."If I do this....I know there's a very great chance I'm going to love it and come as I do it. But when it's cooled off and I'm alone/with my "tormentor"....or even tomorrow as I shower and dress for work....will I be able to live with the memories this act will undoubtedly leave within me?"

I've come to see within myself one of these guidelines being: "What do I want to be when I grow out into this expansive imagination and sexual appetite-driven impulse"?
My hard limits are things I know I cannot live with myself having done. Things that would ruin my outlook, my trust in & my comfortability with my P/pyl.

Can I douse you with an acrid day's collection of urine and still love and respect you?
Can I force you to say and do things I've discovered you have a desire to do through endless conversations we've had and still want to be with you in times otherwise considered vanilla?

Balances. What I want to do on one hand and what I want to have with this person on the other. The fulcrum being what you can live with having done or plan to do. This has absolutely nothing to do with morals as morality, in all but the most extreme cases, is more of a hindrance to your potential and self-discovery then anything else.

No, ultimately, it's that balance within yourself that will decide for you what you can handle and what you can't.

**smiles wickedly**

And yes, it's growing more extreme as I go. As almost everyone here can attest to, what once freaked you out and repulsed you then probably makes you tingle and consider now.

Slainte`.

 

[kittenartist]

For those who have been at this whole juggling act far longer than I, have you found yourselves continually going deeper, darker, harder as time passes, or do you feel you reached a lasting moment of equilibrium along the way?

That is interesting because it made me pause and think on how long it has been since I have actively doing such things and it is going near on eight years. Sheesh, time flies.

There has been a lot of change and development in those years. I think I have finally reached a kind of equilibrium. I have a pretty good idea of my style, my interests, and my skills. I know what works for me and what just leaves me cold. But, on occasion, something new pops up and I am like, "Oh, wow, that works for me, who knew?" These things are like new flavors but not really new depth into the dark recesses of kink, does that make sense?

 

[YourCaptor]

I’m into some very disturbing things, but I still love the tame stuff, and even vanilla for vanillas stuff. I use to view it as a road leading into a dark tunnel that I could get lost in. You get use to it though, or at least I did. It’s gotten to the point where my morals and my likes really have no connection, and in a way that is liberating due to the elimination of personality contradictions. So the dark tunnel is no longer a threat, cause it’s actually rather hard to get lost in a tunnel you know.

Reality gives morals rank, but in my dreams, and playtime, reality goes out the window, so I can still have my fun.

I suppose you just take those thoughts that make you uncomfortable and remove them, and the uncomfortable thoughts are not those of the acts themselves.

 

[mediocre]

Isn't it part of human nature to explore new boundaries? Once we conquer one area we want to see what else we can overcome. Always looking around the next corner, sometimes liking what we see, other times, not so much.

I know I haven't reached my limit. I always find something cool I want to try out. There might come a time where I am satisfied with my limits but it won't be for a bit and that makes me smile.

 

[eastern sun]

I have found equilibrium, but not before the pendulum had swung too far in the "other" direction.

Being prone to addiction of all kinds, I had to be careful that I wasn't escalating my adrenalin shots because I had now grown tolerant of things that used to excite me.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Something I've been mulling over the last little while, has been my "development" (for lack of a better term) since I first figured out what this whole kinky thing was.

Evolution?

... lately I find myself mulling over much darker things than when I first started this meandering path.

I can relate, even after [x] years (except for the whole "darker" thing - see related comments below).

... if I do a mental flashlight-in-the-eyes interrogation scene on myself...

Who knew you were into playing both sides of the whole prisoner of war thing?!?!

... have you found yourselves continually going deeper, darker, harder as time passes, or do you feel you reached a lasting moment of equilibrium along the way? ... 5ish years ago we thought the ultimate hotness was being bent over a Lover's desk after bringing him coffee, and now we think the ultimate hotness is all sorts of [details intentionally left out] delicious wickedness... where is this going to end, exactly? LOL

There has to be an end?

I don't have a good answer for you because I've not been pursuing this that long myself. Well, 5 or so years. But I haven't found an equilibrium for myself. I keep wanting more and more and more. It's kind of scary sometimes. I often wonder when (if?) it'll ever stop.

Kind of scary, but a fun kind of scary, no?

... I do feel I'm losing a lot of the innocence and naivete [Sorry. I spent too many years editing to not make the correction. ] as I progress into the darker corners of my ID.

Are those corners really darker, or are they just previously unexplored nooks in the labyrinth of our minds?

I think we have so much capacity for seemingly limitless expansion into all the things we enjoyed then, now and might in the future.

Expansion = growth. Growth = life.

Balances. What I want to do on one hand and what I want to have with this person on the other. The fulcrum being what you can live with having done or plan to do. This has absolutely nothing to do with morals as morality, in all but the most extreme cases, is more of a hindrance to your potential and self-discovery then anything else.

No, ultimately, it's that balance within yourself that will decide for you what you can handle and what you can't.

**smiles wickedly**

And yes, it's growing more extreme as I go. As almost everyone here can attest to, what once freaked you out and repulsed you then probably makes you tingle and consider now.

Slainté. [The acute e (é) can be typed by holding down the ALT key and entering 0233; the e with accent grave (è) is ALT + 0232. ]

Balance. What a wonderful word; what a wonderful thing.

That is interesting because it made me pause and think on how long it has been since I have actively doing such things and it is going near on eight years. Sheesh, time flies.

There has been a lot of change and development in those years. I think I have finally reached a kind of equilibrium. I have a pretty good idea of my style, my interests, and my skills. I know what works for me and what just leaves me cold. But, on occasion, something new pops up and I am like, "Oh, wow, that works for me, who knew?" These things are like new flavors but not really new depth into the dark recesses of kink, does that make sense?

Of course it makes sense. I do wish sometimes, though, that we could shed that bit of 'vanilla morality' that makes us describe what I prefer to think of as previously unexplored nooks in our labyrinthine psyches as "dark recesses," etc. Just because they think what we like is dark, do we have to agree with them?

Isn't it part of human nature to explore new boundaries? Once we conquer one area we want to see what else we can overcome. Always looking around the next corner, sometimes liking what we see, other times, not so much.

I know I haven't reached my limit. I always find something cool I want to try out. There might come a time where I am satisfied with my limits but it won't be for a bit and that makes me smile.

See? That's it. Explore, look around the next corner, expand, grow, LIVE!

Great topic, Mousie, and some very thoughtful and insightful responses already. I'm looking forward to see more thoughts when I can get back here later today after putting in a hard half-day of work.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I'm going in the opposite direction...getting less hardcore.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I'm going in the opposite direction...getting less hard.

Fixed that for ya. That happens when you get old(er).

How ya doin', RR? Haven't seen much of you around here of late. Happy New Year!

 

[ecstaticsub]

My mind isn't getting darker, but my actions are. I still consider myself very new at all this. I have, however, fantasized about the darkest of dark--especially in the area of humiliation--since before I was 18.

I just thought that a man would think I was perverted and not love me if I ever told him of those fantasies. When I told my husband of them years ago he did still love me, just didn't want to hear about them again and certainly didn't want to make them come true. Now I have found someone who not only still loves me as I reveal the workings of my mind but is excited and more than happy to making those fantasizes real.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Fixed that for ya. That happens when you get old(er).

How ya doin', RR? Haven't seen much of you around here of late. Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Yes, I think you are correct. With age, testosterone decreases and wisdom increases. My sexual hatred has gone from rolling boil to mild simmer.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If you're lucky, the journey doesn't end...and perhaps you think way too much instead of just feeling and being.

Catalina

 

[midwestyankee]

Interesting thoughts, CM, as usual.

Myself, I'm just wondering what a guy has to do to get a good cup of hot coffee.

 

[kittenartist]

Of course it makes sense. I do wish sometimes, though, that we could shed that bit of 'vanilla morality' that makes us describe what I prefer to think of as previously unexplored nooks in our labyrinthine psyches as "dark recesses," etc. Just because they think what we like is dark, do we have to agree with them?

Nah, I was just going with the phrasing of the OP. I do not think it is dark. It is all sunshine and rainbows. Well, more or less. If they are dark they are dark only in the sense of not being seen yet, no light shed, not dark as with a negative connotation. It is like the darkness under the couch. Not sure what is under there, cannot see because it is dark, but shine the light and you find...? An old cheetoh!

 

[Netzach]

I found the pendulum going on other directions. I was exposed to a culture where more harder darker deeper, weirder and more fucked up was de-rigeur and I've never been much of a follower, so finding the subtle pleasure in simple things is my thing.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I don't have a good answer for you because I've not been pursuing this that long myself. Well, 5 or so years. But I haven't found an equilibrium for myself. I keep wanting more and more and more. It's kind of scary sometimes. I often wonder when (if?) it'll ever stop.

While I've only been in this 2 or so years, like Bunny, *waves emphatically at BiBunny* I keep wanting more and more. Today as a matter of fact, Master asked me about wanting to do something (which was cool in itself that he asked me) and in my mind I'm thinking hell yeah but at the same time I'm thinking am I crazy? and asked him if he minded me thinking on it before I answered.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have to divide this into two posts... thank you everyone for all the insightful thoughts.

It's kind of scary sometimes. I often wonder when (if?) it'll ever stop.

Last night was one of those "huh..." evenings where I was wondering the same thing.

As I do so, I do feel I'm losing a lot of the innocence and nievite`as I progress into the darker corners of my ID.
At times it causes me to pause and ask myself "Did I really just contemplate/consider/say out loud there's a possibility I would engage in that activity?"

<spitty snip snip>

My hard limits are things I know I cannot live with myself having done. Things that would ruin my outlook, my trust in & my comfortability with my P/pyl.

<snippity snip snap>

Balances. What I want to do on one hand and what I want to have with this person on the other. The fulcrum being what you can live with having done or plan to do. This has absolutely nothing to do with morals as morality, in all but the most extreme cases, is more of a hindrance to your potential and self-discovery then anything else.

No, ultimately, it's that balance within yourself that will decide for you what you can handle and what you can't.

**smiles wickedly**

And yes, it's growing more extreme as I go. As almost everyone here can attest to, what once freaked you out and repulsed you then probably makes you tingle and consider now.

Slainte`.

I suppose some of it is a loss of innocence... although every time I think I've stopped being so naive, something thwaps me upside the head that puts me in my place. LOL (I had one of those "Did I just... oh..." moments a while back. Fascinating... enlightening... odd odd little mind...)

The ability to live with oneself seems a good measuring stick, to me.

some of what was swirling around my head last night, was realizing I'm not certain where my balancing point will end up... because there's stuff that used to scare me, and now it just makes me smile quietly to myself.

But, on occasion, something new pops up and I am like, "Oh, wow, that works for me, who knew?" These things are like new flavors but not really new depth into the dark recesses of kink, does that make sense?

New flavors makes sense; part of the thing that's got the brain hamsters spinning is that I'm still working out the "dark" stuff - flavored toppings are yet to come.

I’m into some very disturbing things, but I still love the tame stuff, and even vanilla for vanillas stuff. I use to view it as a road leading into a dark tunnel that I could get lost in. You get use to it though, or at least I did. It’s gotten to the point where my morals and my likes really have no connection, and in a way that is liberating due to the elimination of personality contradictions. So the dark tunnel is no longer a threat, cause it’s actually rather hard to get lost in a tunnel you know.

Oh I'm still me... I've never been big on dividing things into "kink" vs. "vanilla"... at some point, someday, (maybe) I'll have the whole ball of wax - a Lover who enjoys all of me, "kinky" and "not."

I hadn't thought about morals and likes becoming disconnected... and yes, it is rather difficult to get lost in a tunnel.

Isn't it part of human nature to explore new boundaries? Once we conquer one area we want to see what else we can overcome. Always looking around the next corner, sometimes liking what we see, other times, not so much.

I know I haven't reached my limit. I always find something cool I want to try out. There might come a time where I am satisfied with my limits but it won't be for a bit and that makes me smile.

True, but I tend to be an absolute chickenchit about adventures and newness kinds of things... constant state of argument between the pragmatic me and the non-pragmatic me.

I have found equilibrium, but not before the pendulum had swung too far in the "other" direction.

Being prone to addiction of all kinds, I had to be careful that I wasn't escalating my adrenalin shots because I had now grown tolerant of things that used to excite me.

I think this is part of what [sometimes] worries me... that I'll swing too far one way before finding center. I'm not necessarily an easily addicted person, but I do get focused. Really really focused. Which isn't all that fun sometimes, especially when one struggles to maintain one's direction in life.

 

[CutieMouse]

Evolution?

I can relate, even after [x] years (except for the whole "darker" thing - see related comments below.

Who knew you were into playing both sides of the whole prisoner of war thing?!?!

There has to be an end?

Kind of scary, but a fun kind of scary, no?

Are those corners really darker, or are they just previously unexplored nooks in the labyrinth of our minds?

Expansion = growth. Growth = life.

Balance. What a wonderful word; what a wonderful thing.

Of course it makes sense. I do wish sometimes, though, that we could shed that bit of 'vanilla morality' that makes us describe what I prefer to think of as previously unexplored nooks in our labyrinthine psyches as "dark recesses," etc. Just because they think what we like is dark, do we have to agree with them?

See? That's it. Explore, look around the next corner, expand, grow, LIVE!

Great topic, Mousie, and some very thoughtful and insightful responses already. I'm looking forward to see more thoughts when I can get back here later today after putting in a hard half-day of work.

Evolution is a better term.

I am nothing if not multifaceted.

Balance... something I think I have a grasp on, just to have life flip me ass over teakettle once again. LOL

I'm not sure I want to find an end... or that the "dark" stuff is even bad/negative/whatever else you associate with a term like "dark"... one of my favorite songs at the moment has a line in it -

"And is he dark enough to see your light?"

... because I do see an ever-blinding light in the midst of all this "dark" stuff. I mean a warm, comforting, accepted, centered, me-being-me (and that being okay) lightness. AA always talks of it being "the deep end", but I'm not so much the fan of water, so I'm stickin' with the dark thing.

I'm going in the opposite direction...getting less hardcore.

Happy New Year.

Yes, I think you are correct. With age, testosterone decreases and wisdom increases. My sexual hatred has gone from rolling boil to mild simmer.

Less psycho-sexual lust/anger? Or is it more an acceptance and mellowing of the psyco-sexual hot spots?

My mind isn't getting darker, but my actions are. I still consider myself very new at all this. I have, however, fantasized about the darkest of dark--especially in the area of humiliation--since before I was 18.

I just thought that a man would think I was perverted and not love me if I ever told him of those fantasies. When I told my husband of them years ago he did still love me, just didn't want to hear about them again and certainly didn't want to make them come true. Now I have found someone who not only still loves me as I reveal the workings of my mind but is excited and more than happy to making those fantasizes real.

Yes; that. There's stuff tucked back in the corners of my mind where the brain hamsters often fear to tread, and a lot of it is simply not done... except maybe it should be?

If you're lucky, the journey doesn't end...and perhaps you think way too much instead of just feeling and being.

Catalina

See chickenchit comment above. (I agree I think far too much... feeling and being are much better, but I'm not feeling so hot at the successful living/loving thing these days...)

Interesting thoughts, CM, as usual.

Myself, I'm just wondering what a guy has to do to get a good cup of hot coffee.

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

I found the pendulum going on other directions. I was exposed to a culture where more harder darker deeper, weirder and more fucked up was de-rigeur and I've never been much of a follower, so finding the subtle pleasure in simple things is my thing.

I wonder if this is part of it [for me]? I openly admit I am wound too damn tight. Like straight and narrow, good girl, follow the rules, Miss Manners is my Domme tight. LOL That's never going to go away; it's an integral part of who I am... but there's something slightly delicious about being that, and not that, all at the same time.

While I've only been in this 2 or so years, like Bunny, *waves emphatically at BiBunny* I keep wanting more and more. Today as a matter of fact, Master asked me about wanting to do something (which was cool in itself that he asked me) and in my mind I'm thinking hell yeah but at the same time I'm thinking am I crazy? and asked him if he minded me thinking on it before I answered.

*chuckles*

I suspect curiosity will kill me at some point... not literally or anything, but it will get the best of me someday.

 

[Kajira Callista]

deeper darker can make you weirder and dangerous and a lot of folks don't really like that. I see me as walking a tight rope and occasionally needing tosee how far i can lean one way before i fall.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I'm going in the opposite direction...getting less hardcore.

i am similar... snapping back the other direction and its even hotter.

Daddy can be downright vanilla... except... i get this sense that in a weird way i am what makes it kinky between us because i am so... fucked i guess.

 

[Netzach]

I wonder if this is part of it [for me]? I openly admit I am wound too damn tight. Like straight and narrow, good girl, follow the rules, Miss Manners is my Domme tight. LOL That's never going to go away; it's an integral part of who I am... but there's something slightly delicious about being that, and not that, all at the same time.



*chuckles*

I suspect curiosity will kill me at some point... not literally or anything, but it will get the best of me someday.

Oh I am too. I decided I had to have an adventure. Try being a prodomme for a year, it'll jog right out of your system if it gets to be a problem. LOL.

 

[myinnerslut]

thinking about it, i feel like i definitely have gone further into my dark corners, deeper into those spots i would previously left alone. knifeplay, cuttings, permanent markings... these were all things i never dreamed of doing myself. i believe there were actually posts i made a few years ago saying i would never ever get a brand, but sure enough there is a puzzle piece lightly branded on my leg. singletails were things i now realize i have thought about for a long time, but if you asked me a year ago i would have vehmonently denied it. slavery, surrender 24 hours a day, was a frightening concept i would have run from previously. no doubt in my mind i no live in the "dark corners" of the past few years. oddly, they dont seem as dark now.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I see me as walking a tight rope and occasionally needing tosee how far i can lean one way before i fall.

Me too.

Except in my case, on one hand, I desperately want to just jump, and on the other, am utterly terrified of doing so.

The darker corners of my mind scare me.

Actually, thinking further on it, the way those corners make me feel is what actually scares me.

Admittedly, I'm still hung up on the "why's". I really need to just accept and get on with it.

 

[graceanne]

I've been thinking on this thread since it first was posted.

I think that the reason you 'continually go deeper, darker, harder' is because, at heart, we're adrenaline junkies. What was new, and gave us that rush, that fix, before hand is old news now. So we have to look for something new to give us that rush.

Remember when the idea of a spanking was just . . . well, you know. Spankings are still hot, sexy, and enough to make a girl WET! But, now you need a harder spanking, or a caning, or a whipping or other things involved. Why? Cause spankings have become the norm, the same.

But what about when caning becomes normal? Then you have to go looking for a new fix. Something newer, harder, and darker to try.