The Dance -- Jan. 15, 2002

[Mickie]

Late again. Sorry Mudlinthru. Apologies all the way around. But, better late than never

This week's story is Mudlinthru's The Dance. It can be found in the erotic couplings category.

The link -- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=26433

Mickie

 

[mudlnthru]

Actually, Mickie, apologies aren't necessary. I was just wondering why the author usually gets the second post after being selected for review.

My only comment is, lots of input, please. I have no defense, but a thick skin. Most comments will be taken as recommendations for improvement. The rest will be ignored.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Sonia_de_Beaumanoir]

This story has all the elements of a good erotic tale, and is spellchecked and properly punctuated.

Unfortunately, at least to my way of thinking, the 1st person present tense throughout becomes tedious. I would also have liked to learn more about the narrator.

 

[christo]

If God came down from Heaven and said, "My child, what one skill would you most want to possess? Tell Me, and I shall make it part of you," I'd think about programming computers and the ability to hit a 1-iron, but I would ask for the gift of dance. I'm not a bad dancer, but I'm not a good one. I dance better when I'm drunk, meaning I think I dance better, when in fact I'm just staggering around like a, well, drunk.

A guy who can dance can always get laid. This bears repeating-- A GUY WHO CAN DANCE CAN ALWAYS GET LAID. You look like Quasimodo, you make $1.35 an hour shucking peanuts, and you smell like a cat box? If you can dance, I mean really dance, you will never be without female company. Girls love guys who can dance. Guys who love to dance. I'm not talking about frat-boy mosh pitting and the usual counter-clockwise slow-dance stagger. I mean the kind of dancing described in this story. REAL dancing.

That part of the story is just fantastic. Dancing can be wonderful foreplay, the touching, following your partner's moves, the meaningful glances between songs. And the physicality described in the story is a big part of the fun. You sweat. You get thirsty. You struggle to catch your breath. Just like when you have too much good sex.

I actually would have liked the story more had his partner NOT been a beautiful woman. He might have seen a woman, attractive but not gorgeous, waiting patiently for the right man to ask her to dance, and he might have figured that this was a woman who took dancing seriously, just like him. I'm drawn more and more to stories where the characters aren't physically ideal, where something else about them makes them sexy. In this story she didn't need to be perfect. She could dance, and that's enough.

The sex scene is fine, but I wish the dancing part had been twice as long and the sex cut in half. There must, of course, be sex at the end. That's the last dance of the night. But the anticipation that leads up to that wonderful moment is the really delicious part.

Should the story be in present tense? My automatic response is no. I always think that present tense should only be used when the circumstances of the story make it essential that the story be told in the present. Like...this one. Not the sex scene, but the dancing scene. It's not hard to remember a really wonderful lover, but it much harder to remember a really wonderful dancer. Dancing is too fluid, you don't stop to think about it, you just move, you don't think about the last song or the next one, just the one you're dancing to right now. The act itself is rooted in the present, and telling about it in present tense seems almost necessary. I want to feel in the moment, not in the memory.

You think I like dancing, maybe? You think I should put on some beat-up sneakers and find myself a salsa band?

 

[mudlnthru]

Forget the sneakers, Christo. You need smooth shoes to dance salsa. And I figured, the dancing could have been longer. But it is, after all, erotic fiction. Or maybe the dancing could have been enough. Ah, the feel of a woman on a dance floor. Better yet, the touch of a woman on the dance floor. She's always beautiful in my eyes.

 

[Ded Poet]

This story has a lot of potential. The premise is great, very sexy, as is the setting. The dance scene is very well described and is the highlight of the piece.

That said, there are several things that could be done to make this good story much better.

First, I would say look at the dance as a metaphor, and structure the piece accordingly. In other words, make the piece like the dance. Seduce us with words. A big part of that is how you string your words together--not just the words you use, but how your sentences are structured and how they flow from one to the next.

For instance, let's look at paragraph one:

"I walk into the crowded hotel lounge in San Juan and push my way to the bar.Young people are everywhere. The music is so loud that it is hard to hear what they are saying. Everything is in Spanish and I am obviously not Puerto Rican. Most of the people move aside for me and are politely ignoring me."

Five declarative sentences in a row. The first two or three are maybe okay. By number three it is starting to feel like a sportscast. Sensitive readers may be put off by number four.
(Note that we are talking about syntax only here, we discuss other elements of this paragraph later)

Most will not notice and it will not be a conscious response, but it is not seductive. Syntax is a very important aspect of composition, and can do a lot to make or break a story. Try playing with sentence length and structure. Try to avoid two or more declarative sentences in a row: maybe stick one in between two compound or complex sentences for variety--keep the reader alert and interested, not just with the freshness of your ideas and word choice, but with the way you put it all together. It is very much like dancing, and it would be wonderful to see the premise reflected in the style. This is on the level of how you move on the dance floor, but on another level, the idea that older lovers are better because they know how to take their time and understand the value of teasing and foreplay should be reinforced by the structure of the piece. Slow down and get into the description. More dialogue would help, I think--before, during and after the dancing. Personalize both of the characters more, little hints here and there. Build it up slowly like the seduction on the dance floor. You have a great premise and metaphor to work with--work it!

When it gets to the sex scene, slow down! Build it up slowly (again)--this should be enacted with more tenderness and romance at first (it can still be hot) and there should be at least a whole paragraph added between when they get in the door and when she gets his cock in her mouth--then, there should be MUCH more action/description before he blows his load. After all, isn't that the whole idea? The passion should controlled and contained, played with, toyed with, mastered--trust me, your readers will be with you...

I agree that the present tense is a little off-putting, (except in the dance sequence, but you can segue smoothly to present as soon as they hit the dance floor).

In your opening paragraph, starting out with 'I walk into the crowded hotel lounge...' is bad: it seems anecdotal, like a joke: ' A guy walks into a bar...'
Try something like 'The hotel lounge was crowded, young people, young people everywhere...'

I notice that you use declarative sentence almost exlusively. There are parts where it works, but it really begins to feel like a play-by-play. Just working on shaking up your syntax would go a long way towards improving this story.
the sentence, 'I look over the crowd of beautiful, overdressed dark-haired women, hoping to find either a familiar face, which is unlikely, or at least someone who looks friendly enough to want to dance with a middle-aged, balding gringo,'is an example of one of the few times when you break away from this form, and it is refreshing and welcome. Encore!

That said, I think once you move to the dance floor, (and to the first person, if you choose to follow this advice), your paragraph starting with 'The music was marengue' works well. Once the tension and the dance starts to build though, the sentences should become more complex and interesting again, reflecting their deepening relationship, the subtleties of the dance...

As noted before, leaving the dance floor should signal a reversion to past tense. The sex scene should be revised to be a re-enactement of the dance, not just a quick blow job at the door and a fast and furious standing fuck.

The whole ending section also needs major revision. You have characters who want to be developed, and a relationship of some kind has just formed--who are these people and how is the narrator going to respond to what has happened?

This really does have the potential to be more than just wank material. I would encourage you to keep working on it-- I can imagine it transcending the genre.

Keep up the good work, and thanks for sharing!

Ded Poet



Finally, I get the bartender's attention and order a Jack and water. The first sip is welcome.Watered down, but mostly a good taste. Cigarette smoke is heavy in the dark room and I look over at the dance floor. There, through the thick smoke, people are jammed together, dancing to the salsa music. Lights blink on and off and it is like going back in time, to an old disco.

 

[karmadog]

Proven wrong

Arhur Murray, here I come! Man, this made me want to dance, but, alas, my skills are limited. The only kind of dancing I have ever done well is slam dancing when I was a kid. I still have the scars to prove it. The descriptions of the dancing were vivid and very, very sexy. I wanted more of it. The sex was mostly good, too, but it didn't compare with the dancing.

I have to admit that I usually hate present tense stories, but you have done it so skillfully that not only didn't I mind, I liked it.

There were a few problems, but not many.

"She takes me into her mouth and sucks, at first. Hard and then probes the tip of my penis with her tongue."

These sentences don't make much sense. Should that read:

"She takes me into her mouth and sucks. At first hard, and then..."

Even that way it's awkward. The phrase "at first" implies that there will be a variation of her sucking style, not a cessation. I don't know what you intended, but it reads strange.

"Her finger pushes at me and is also buried deep."

This is the worst sentence in the story, do something with it.

Overall, I enjoyed this story immensely. Thank you for sharing it. Now I just need to find a woman with steel-toed shoes to teach me to dance.

 

[Maquinna]

I have to admit this story kind of tugged at me, for very personal reasons. It was hard for me to read this objectively when I know someone who was a fantastic dancer, understood the relationship between dancing and lovemaking, and is now, through injury, not able to dance.

Dance has often been referred to as the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. Why else would it continue to be viewed by many fundamentalists as a dangerous activity?

I'm not going to say much about the style, as others have already made the comments I would make about use of tense, voice, sentence structure, etc. What I would like to encourage you to do is add more dance, everywhere. It's wonderful. I can see that you have incorporated some elements of dance as they return to her apartment for sex, but I would like to see the dance theme even stronger there.

I'm caught up in the rhythm and I don't want to lose the beat! Somebody take me dancing!

 

[mudlnthru]

*sigh* Looks like my week is up. Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to comment. I'm going to sit down and do some re-writing, just for kicks. It seems that the theme is successful. Time to go out dancing again, just to see what else I've missed in the writing and then maybe come back to rework the whole thing. You want more dancing, huh? I could go on for days but wasn't sure if it grabbed folks the way it does me. Sometimes, I'm totally satisfied just doing that for a night.

As far as person and tense go, the change makes great sense. After a re-read, having it sit in first person present doesn't really allow me to flesh out both partners. My only defence is the learning curve.

Thanks for your kind comments. I was truly surprised that the theme would become the primary interest in the story. But dancing is a great topic. Think I'd be pressing my luck if I did another one?

 

[VeraGem]

Push me Pull You...

Overall a good story. I sank deeper into the dance scene than the sex; the sex seemed rushed by comparison. I'm late this week, so I won't go over syntax or tense. That's been discussed. I'll keep it to a couple of comments about phrasing.

Stating the obvious: The Jack and water is watered down, Everything is Spanish and Spanish is everywhere. Say it once where it will have the most impact then leave it alone unless its really necessary to the story. The reader will get it.

A lot of reuse of words and phrases, including: slightly, couldn't help but, buried deep - and especially

Pull - 10 times
Push - 17 times

That's a huge amount given the length of the story. Pull and push fly off the keyboard so fast most writers don't even realize they've used them. I'm guilty too. Before I post anything I like to hunt down and destroy these two boring little words wherever possible. Show the action, don't let the characters pull and push each other around like a couple of shopping carts.

I love the premise of the story though - kudos on the seduction and build up. I don't think you'd be pushing your luck writing another one, but next time extend the seduction to the sex as well. I didn't see this woman as tearing into the actual sex so much as using the same slow, tension-building fire she uses during the dance.

 

[Guest]

The only original criticism I came give is still somewhat similar to VeraGem's.

One of the most common problem's faced by writers working in first person is, IMHO, overusing the word, "I". In the first ten paragraphs of your story, "I" is the first word in seven of them, while "She" leads off on the other three.

This is not WRONG, but whenever any word (pull, push, she, her, etc.) is overused, there's a risk of distracting readers or, even worse, editors and agents and throwing them out of the story.

Hope some of that helped.

Rumple Foreskin