The Continuing Voyages of the Good Raft Otterly Fabulous

[Guest]

"Avast there" shouted Captain Rorrie Otterhbuckets as she flashed her incredibl hat, brandishing its fine plume in the bright sea air. "What's that ahead?"

Impie Otterbuckets checked her charts. "Ah hah, right where I thought! That, Cap'n, is our prize!"

The lumbering prow of the Total Pacifists' Gold Shipping and Diamond Hauling Company galleon rose and fell on the waves as the speedier Otterly Fabulous gained on her.

Mallie Otterbuckets, having decided the decks were as swabbed as they were getting that day, yelled down the hatch. "Hey, First Mate Jettie! We've almost got it! Come up and see!"

Jettie, who was taking a short break from her regular job as Fuckin' Bar Wench at a distreputable but highly popular Kingston coffee house and poetry center, threw a rubber ducky up the ladder thingie whose proper, Shippy name she couldn't remember. "I'm getting my floggers toned. I'll be up in a minute."

"OOooo, look!" Jammie Otterbucket, Ship's Wench, cried out from the crow's nest. "There's a horse on the deck of the galleon. Look at that beautiful horse!"

Mallie peered across the waves. "Do you think it will put up a fight? Is it a fierce looking horse?"

Jettie finally came on deck. "No horse is too fierce for me!" She then spend several minutes practicing her "Arrggggh's", working on getting just the right effect.

"We're gaining!" Rorrie called out. "Get the graples ready! I think we'll take her without a fight!"

[to be continued]

 

[Guest]

 

[Aurora Black]

ARGGHHHHH!

 

[Aurora Black]

I was supposed to write something? Oops.

 

[MissBri]

 

[BlackShanglan]

Jettie, who was taking a short break from her regular job as Fuckin' Bar Wench at a distreputable but highly popular Kingston coffee house and poetry center, threw a rubber ducky up the ladder thingie whose proper, Shippy name she couldn't remember. "I'm getting my floggers toned. I'll be up in a minute."

Aboard the Good Ship Venus, the horse was attempting to recover from a bout of howling laughter about the ladder thingie whose proper, Shippy name it couldn't remember either. Eying the advancing, whip-cracking buccaneers (and slightly blinded by the amazing fabulousness of the captain's HAT), it mustered its best impression of a fierce, wild, fight-putting up warhorse and said a little quiet prayer to itself.

"Oh Lord," went the prayer, "I do not care if I win or lose - just pleeeeease let it be an immensely protracted battle. With mercifully tender wenches erm, tending, the fallen. And a briar patch."

 

[Alessia Brio]

It would appear that Impie Otterbuckets (*snort*) is AWOL. Belowdecks, she be, though what she be doing is anyone's guess.

 

[Guest]

"Mmmmm," Mallie peered through the binoculars again, wishing she'd paid more attention in Equine Lip Proloxity classes back when she was at University, before she'd discovered her Otterbucket roots and taken up ways Piratical. She sized up the visible opponents. "Might be something of a battle. At least one of them has a long pointy thing he keeps waving about."

 

[Belegon]

"Would you quit waving that thing about?" The horse told the kilted warrior, "I'm telling you, your wife is not on that ship!"

"But what if they board us? We can't let them take the cargo without a fight!"

"Silly Scotsman! If they get too close we'll just load up a bag of those special oats from the forward cargo hold onto the catapult."

"You said that before. What's so special about those oats?"

"They are the worlds most powerful aphriodisiac. I switched out the recipe on an old Quaker from Pennsylvania. He told me they were so good people would buy them even with his ugly mug on the box. I wanted to see if he was right, so I got him drunk and switched papers. Now all he has is a recipe for oatmeal and I have the most powerful force for good or evil the world has ever known."

"Is this story related to that one you told me about the confederate colonel and his fried chicken?"

"Quiet you! The gosling hasn't forgiven me for that one. Her and the Aflac duck are both somehow related to those chickens, third cousins once-removed or something..."

 

[BlackShanglan]

... before she'd discovered her Otterbucket roots and taken up ways Piratical ...

I swear this is a verse in "A Modern Major-General."

Don't get me singing when I'm on the Good Ship Venus.

 

[Aurora Black]

Arrgggh...

Captain Rorrie Otterbuckets was restless, eager for the familiar sight and smell of freshly spilled blood. A vibrant red, which reminded her of the lush roses that had grown outside her window as a child on her family's estate in colonial Antigua...

The sound of a distant cannon startled her out of her reverie, forcibly reminding her of the real reason why she and her Otter clan were navigating the churning, shark-infested waters. Not to board ships and steal precious cargo consisting of gold, diamonds and Quaker oats. No...

Devastatingly beautiful and ruthless, the Captain wanted to hunt trolls, to skewer them on her sword like the shish kabob that she'd sampled on her Eurasian travels. She wanted the wind to carry their tortured screams in all directions as the seas ran red with blood (or in the case of trolls, a greenish-brown goo), serving as a warning against anyone who dared mess with Clan Otterbuckets!

Arrgggghhhh!

 

[artisticbiguy]

From Below

His mane of dark locks swept back as his lean, merinine form cut through the water. Tired of the dark depths of his father's kingdom, the adventurous prince found himself perilously close to the surface again. He knew all about the dangers of nets and hooks and the wrecks that were the results of storms and conflict. His curiosity usually got the better of him in these matters, and he followed the sense of conflict above. There was a storm coming, the sea sang of its approach, but it was not a storm of nature that drew him ever upward.

Prince Arti watched the great cargo gallion cut a swath of foam through the rolling sea. Land creature transports fascinated him, and he knew from the sluggish movements of the great vessel that it was heavily loaded. His gaze shifted to the smaller swath of foam on the surface. That smaller ship was closing upon upon the larger like an orca did a giant grey. He wondered, as he observed from beneith the waves, if the little ship had as sharp teeth.

 

[Guest]

Mallie watched eagerly as the Otterly Fabulous plied the seas, splitting the waves and plaiting them behind her. Something flashed in the corner of her eye and she swung the lenses toward the water, but it was gone.

Curious, she searched further, glimpsing what seemed to be a fish-like shape streaming long, black hair. Then it dissappeared on the other side of the ship. She turned to Jammies.

"Why is it I suddenly want tarter sauce?"

 

[Guest]

 

[Aurora Black]

A corner of the Captain's mouth turned upward in a saucy smile as she averted her gaze from her crewwoman's unfortunate mishap. When Jammie rose and dusted off, Rorrie locked eyes with her.

"That's a very interesting observation, my dear. In addition to the highly valuable cargo, we must also relieve this ship of a man. Not just any man, but one with the strength..."

Rorrie licked her lips briefly at the thought before continuing, her face flushed.

"As I was saying, someone with the strength... and stamina to serve a special role on our ship. Now go find us one!"

The Captain snatched Jettie's whip and its crack echoed like thunder across the deck.

 

[Guest]

Mallie jumped -- just a touch -- at the cracking of the Captain's whip.

"Jammie, if we capture this ship, we capture the two men and the horse on it. That's dangly bits enough for a while..."

Leaning over to help Jammie's up from her vicious face plant, Mallie noticed the large black horse regarding them both with what could only be called expectant calm. Behind it, the kilted man was still waving about what she now realized was a sizeable rapier.

Then she heard a loud "Whomp" and the air was filled with little, fluffy, white-tan bits of something...and she felt strangely itchy with a sensation no fingernails would sooth...

 

[BlackShanglan]

The horse, of course, was busy helping Miss Jammies up from her delicate and suavely executed face-plant. A trifle like being boarded by pirates should not lead to a total abandonment of civility.

*Then* it struck a dashing pose and dared anyone to try using that whip. Please. Ever seen a warhorse attack rump-first?

 

[Aurora Black]

The Captain's delicate brows arched at the oddly fascinating horse.

"I use the whip not for flesh, beast, but for effect."

She cracked the whip again, laughing maniacally over the crashing of the waves.

 

[artisticbiguy]

Prince Arti circled below as the smaller ship collided with the larger. He waited for the splintering of wood and the inevitable spilling of contents, but it did not occur. Instead, the smaller ship rubbed against the greater in a herky-jerky fashion that resembled a porpous attempting to mate with a whale. Adding to his confusion, the water's surface was suddenly awash with white.

"I always thought their vessels were constructed, not breeded," Arti pondered, noting that it did not appear that for all the "release" in the water, the little ship was making any headway in the mounting of the greater vessel.

 

[Aurora Black]

Captain Rorrie ran to the side of the ship and gazed at the thick white foam floating on the surface, letting out a low whistle. She was entranced by the sight.

"What in seventh hell is that creamy substance? I must investigate further!"

Using a rope and pulley system, she lowered a bucket until it skimmed away a bit of the mysterious ooze from the water. She hurriedly pulled on the rope, smiling in triumph. A moment later, the cream filled bucket rested in her hands.

The loyal crew stood nearby, staring at their Captain with mouths agape. Someone shouted a warning to her; she knew not who.

The stranger's voice was soft-spoken, yet decidedly masculine in nature. "My lady, please! Do not..."

Ignoring the words aimed at her, Rorrie dipped a gloved finger into the bucket and swiped at the cream. With a knowing smile, she raised the foam to her lips...

"It's whipped cream! We'll definitely need this with our male slave. I'm still waiting for my orders to be carried out, ladies!"

 

[artisticbiguy]

Prince Arti circled higher, watching as the white foamed and frothed at the surface. Ths was the most peculiar sea battle he had ever seen.

 

[Aurora Black]

The whipped cream was delicious, and the Captain suddenly wished she had a dish of ripe strawberries at the ready. Or a willing man.

Moaning at the lasciviousness of her thoughts, she cracked the whip again before ducking into her cabin for some much needed solitude. And lubricant.

 

[Aurora Black]

Bump, Kick...

*whip crack*

 

[artisticbiguy]

From the depths below, Prince Arti continued his slow ascent, most bewildered by the lack of violent conflict. He had expected to see bodies in the water, hear the splash of overshot cannon balls and the roar of splintering hulls. Yet beyond the continued fornicative movements of the two ships, and the apparent froth of release, nothing else had occurred.