The 'cold' poem, again ....

[letterman999]

Love you forever? That's a phrase I'm loath to say,
a man whose thoughts revolve around the myth
that words, like sticks and stones, put trends in play,
not easily reversed. I defer or take the fifth
before giving too much of my love accounts--
as though my need, held under house arrest,
might someday retire to Newfoundland. All that counts
for me is what I get-- she keeps the bloody rest.
No love pays for southern France. No harangue
of tenderness can cure my selfish greed.
Econometric models of love lack the pang
of hunger. (How a girl can excel at need!)
Marraige means no money, simply put
--a truth too bare to snare my tailored suit.

letterman999

 

[bronzeage]

You've pulled it away from melancholy and toward cynicism.

The best words for the imagery are sloppy and imprecise. What is the myth of words and irreversible trends?

"Marriage means no money." Is marriage a vow of poverty as well as fidelity?

It's still written in ciphers.

 

[letterman999]

Thaks for the read

I avoid imagery as best I can ...

In fact, I don't like it at all.

lol

letterman999

 

[bogusagain]

I avoid imagery as best I can ...

In fact, I don't like it at all.

lol

letterman999

How can you not like imagery, it is half the fun of writing poetry and it enables you to illustrate more precisely the emotions you feel without making a poem feel like a news report or an instruction manual. Even good prose poetry is full of imagery, even if delivered in a more laid back and manner of fact manner.

I had to dig this one out of the archives in response to you prefering cold and mechanical poetry. It is after all about mechanics and about love gone cold.

an affair in steam

sex at its basic level, is mechanical
passive as a machine pressing out widgets
this is what lovers do to fulfil their contract
share a bed, exchange body fluids and lie

they stop wanting to know when they stop caring
what turns each other’s wheels, round about the time
of the demise in the age of steam, before which
the enthusiastic amateur reigned

building up a passion into a head of steam
when pistons whooshed and cylinders sighed
when safety valves flipped
and love blistered on a hot plate

now they grind it out with dull efficiency
they can calculate to the second
when their cams twist and their gears kick out
it is more predictable with each accumulated lie

they will withdraw into the engine shed of their dreams
to drive engines they would have driven
if only they had taken a different line, then they’ll wake
and stoke up the mechanical tyranny of their affair

 

[butters]

How can you not like imagery, it is half the fun of writing poetry and it enables you to illustrate more precisely the emotions you feel without making a poem feel like a news report or an instruction manual. Even good prose poetry is full of imagery, even if delivered in a more laid back and manner of fact manner.

I had to dig this one out of the archives in response to you prefering cold and mechanical poetry. It is after all about mechanics and about love gone cold.

an affair in steam

sex at its basic level, is mechanical
passive as a machine pressing out widgets
this is what lovers do to fulfil their contract
share a bed, exchange body fluids and lie

they stop wanting to know when they stop caring
what turns each other’s wheels, round about the time
of the demise in the age of steam, before which
the enthusiastic amateur reigned

building up a passion into a head of steam
when pistons whooshed and cylinders sighed
when safety valves flipped
and love blistered on a hot plate

now they grind it out with dull efficiency
they can calculate to the second
when their cams twist and their gears kick out
it is more predictable with each accumulated lie

they will withdraw into the engine shed of their dreams
to drive engines they would have driven
if only they had taken a different line, then they’ll wake
and stoke up the mechanical tyranny of their affair

a great poem chockablock with imagery. even images!

 

[letterman999]

13 tropes
and 2 allusions.

an objective count
that does not judge
their many.
**
Your poem lies within the ranks
of good poetry behavior. I have
a sense of delight without having
delight-- for the poem shines light
on my frigid air.

Where's the sun for my discontent?

Chill made warm by the controlled,
well-wrought comments made for my
poems.

Thank you all,
L999

 

[bronzeage]

I avoid imagery as best I can ...

In fact, I don't like it at all.

lol

letterman999

If you write only for yourself, you're doing a great job. If you are writing for an audience, you fall short.

If you want to write for an audience, you don't have to cater or pander to them, but it's bad form to insult them.

 

[letterman999]

Golly gee ...

I would never insult.

Where do you think I have?

I'm not nuts. Why would I insult
those I am trying to join?

I wrote in images...

lol

Come on.
Be nice.

 

[bogusagain]

I would never insult.

Where do you think I have?

I'm not nuts. Why would I insult
those I am trying to join?

I wrote in images...

lol

Come on.
Be nice.

Far be it from me to speak for bronzeage but I think you took his comment too personally, the insult comment reads like a general point to me. (I'm sure he will correct me if I'm wrong) There is nothing to be gained from comments that pussy foot around the issue at hand.

Anyway, welcome. I'm back after a long time away. The place has changed but there is still a lot to learn from the people who make up the backbone of this forum.

 

[bronzeage]

Far be it from me to speak for bronzeage but I think you took his comment too personally, the insult comment reads like a general point to me. (I'm sure he will correct me if I'm wrong) There is nothing to be gained from comments that pussy foot around the issue at hand.

Anyway, welcome. I'm back after a long time away. The place has changed but there is still a lot to learn from the people who make up the backbone of this forum.

It's a general point. Some poems are burned steaks. The poet drops it on our plate with a clunk and says, "What? You don't like steak?"

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I fucking hate steak.

Back to this poem though. Formal poetry is a death knell unless you are a master poet. There are people who are experts on this on another site but they are generally unpleasant. I might be able to help later. First think about the poem as a place you are preparing for a visitor. A single visitor. Create the space. Be ready for dialogue.

What you have going for you is that you have ideas. You have something to communicate. You have references and cleverness. Avoid formal poetry until you have an uncontestable understanding of metric feet. Focus on your strengths. Ideas (check). Joy (check). Words (check).