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Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
woodcarver,
For me, this was an awkward read. Without getting into writing jargon, you tell the story as if you were reminding your wife what you two did together. My suggestion would be to re-write it as if you were telling a friend what you and your wife did.
The story is wordy in places. While word choice is a subjective, style issue, as a rule, the fewer words used, the faster the pace and the more likely you are to keep the reader's attention. Here is the first sentence of your story followed a shorter version.
org: "We had decided after months of discussing that we would try a club that some friends of ours had suggested."
rev: "After months of discussion, we decided to try a club some friends had suggested."
There are also some word misuses such as "discussing" instead of "discussion" in that first sentence.
Most of the things I've noted are the types of mistakes commonly made by folks just getting into fiction writing. So keep writing and don't let my comments discourgage you.
Rumple Foreskin
For me, this was an awkward read. Without getting into writing jargon, you tell the story as if you were reminding your wife what you two did together. My suggestion would be to re-write it as if you were telling a friend what you and your wife did.
The story is wordy in places. While word choice is a subjective, style issue, as a rule, the fewer words used, the faster the pace and the more likely you are to keep the reader's attention. Here is the first sentence of your story followed a shorter version.
org: "We had decided after months of discussing that we would try a club that some friends of ours had suggested."
rev: "After months of discussion, we decided to try a club some friends had suggested."
There are also some word misuses such as "discussing" instead of "discussion" in that first sentence.
Most of the things I've noted are the types of mistakes commonly made by folks just getting into fiction writing. So keep writing and don't let my comments discourgage you.
Rumple Foreskin
