The Chess Game -- Oct. 12, 2001

[Mickie]

The story for this week is The Chess Game by P_P_Man.

It can be found in the Mind Control category.

I must give P_P_Man an apology for not getting his email to him sooner. I've been having computer problems all week (for the last two weeks, actually, but they're getting worse. ) and his notification took place this morning. Hopefully, he'll get a post up here soon, but if he doesn't, it's all my fault.

I have someone coming out tomorrow to look at my cable lines (which are the newest problem I'm having) and that will (keep your fingers crossed) be the end of my computer problems.

Meanwhile -- discuss on!

Mickie

Here's the link!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10989

 

[REDWAVE]

Review of "The Chess Game"

This story is creative and unusual, and has a very interesting premise. However, maybe I'm being dense here, but I don't really get the point of it. I don't understand the significance of the interplay between Juan and Carl at the end, and why it mattered to Juan to move the schedule up a few weeks. Nothing of the whole context behind the story is explained-- why these games are played using sexually stimulated women as pieces. I found the story rather mystifying and thus ultimately pointless-- to me, at least.

--REDWAVE

 

[p_p_man]

I wrote "The Chess Game" as a stand alone piece but with an eye on including it in a larger work later on. So I probably was slack in not filling in more detail. My eye was more on the future than the present.

But there are other reasons I wrote it. I have never written about sex between two women and I wondered whether I was capable of doing so without making the sex scenes too amateurish and boring the reader, whilst at the same time maintaining the pace of the story line.

I like playing chess myself and I wondered whether I could transfer the game to an erotic story using various electrical impulses to control the girls' movements and by changing the rules slightly give the game a more 'battlefield feel'.

The interplay between Juan and Carl is again included with an eye on a larger work but the final line is there for this story alone in order to finish it on a sexually charged note.

-

 

[CRaZy]

You have an excellent imagination. The strength of this story lies in the "science fiction" type setting. The reader very quickly realises that females are being used as pawn pieces in a game of chess without an excess of unnecessary detail. The characterisation of Carl and Juan as competitive males is also strong.

"The game continued but Juan knew he had lost. Before he resigned however he was determined to make one last attack and have fun at the same time."

Descriptions like this one give the reader insight into the psyche of the characters.

The story could have been improved by actually using the idea of a chess game to greater advantage.

Plot: Having the phases in a chess game, like an opening and a middlegame would have given your story more structure and logical development.

Language: terms like "pinning", "positional advantage", "bare King", "capture leap", "flip piece", "passive piece" and so on could be used suggestively without alienating a reader who is not familiar with chess. I would particularly like the image of a "rearward diagonal" move.

Female characterisation: By giving the females characteristics which could be associated with the particular "chess pieces" they are playing, they would be less one dimensional to the reader. I would have expected the Knight to be more aggressive, for example. There is a real danger that your female characters become generic robots in a story like this, if you do not find a way to give them a personality.


There are also some mechanical problems which could be addressed.

Sentence structure: Varying the length of sentences assists in the pacing of a story. In many cases, your sentences are too long to gain the desired effect.

"With just two squares to go the woman gave a shriek of pure lust and fell writhing to the ground her uncontrollable hands tried to bury themselves deep into herself as the final shattering release took her further and further into sexual masochism."

Sentences like this need to be broken into two sentences.

Paragraphing: Similarly, paragraphs need to be carefully structured so the reader is gently moved from one idea to the next. In particular, your paragraphs which contain descriptions of the sex acts are far too long for the reader to appreciate the development of events.


Overall you are to be commended for composing a story around such an original and difficult concept. Further editing is needed so that the reader becomes immersed in the "feel" of the game rather than being a mere bystander.

 

[Mickie]

Personally, I play chess. I LIKE playing chess, although I’m not very good at it and consider myself an amateur at best. The symbolism in the pieces, the likeness to medieval war strategy -- it’s a lot like a fantasy story. This story, while the premise is intriguing, dealt more with the physical and visual impact of a human chess game than the emotional impact of the women used in this manner. The male characters had more to them (they were more ‘rounded’) but didn’t have enough detail to allow for the process of reader identification to take place. When the reader can put themselves into the story, then the author has done their job well.

How could the newbie chess piece have been more ‘human’? Could she have been frightened? Or even looking forward to being ‘moved’? The more seasoned knight piece -- could she have been desirous of the newbie? Or angry? Or even tired and only waiting for the game to end? I didn’t get a sense of who either of the women were. I didn’t even get a sense of whether or not they wanted in or out of the game. Do they care at all?

There is such a good lead-in with this idea for a conflict and resolution. It could have been made into a true short story, but there is no real conflict that comes from the characters. I guess, because of this, it fell flat with me. It read as if the writer was attempting to discover what this ‘human chess game idea’ was. It has not a lot to do with the characters. Stories are about people, and how they deal with whatever circumstances the author envisions. The characters are central, not the circumstances. This, in itself, isn’t a bad scene, but yes, I think P_P_Man should put it into a longer work that would deal with a conflict and resolution.

The sex is flat because the emotional impact of using real characters is absent. It isn’t that the sex descriptions are badly done, (the writing style is clear and quite readable, with fewer problems than most) it’s that the identification isn’t there-- the desire, the frustration at having the desire, the emotional reaction. Tell me, PPMan, have you ever really put yourself in a woman’s shoes? Most men won’t or can’t. It makes it difficult to write from a woman’s pov, because the human factor isn’t recognized. I’d suggest that you keep to the male pov and describe what the man feels like as he watches the women, or do a real character sketch on your female pov characters before writing about them. Get into their heads -- find their background and discover how it would affect their reaction to the current circumstances.

If the knight has been there longer, then what kind of background does she have? Was she ever married? In love? What life did she have before she was drafted to ‘chess piece’? The newbie -- was she taken from her parent’s home recently? Is she homesick? How much sexual experience did she have before she was drafted? All of this will affect the reactions they have to the current situation. It doesn’t have to be detailed in the actual story, but it helps give ‘reality’ to the character as you write about them.

The category here is ‘Mind Control’. While the premise has a LOT of possibility, you need to get into the mind of the character in order to show it being controlled. All that’s here is bodily control with electrodes and circumstance.

Which brings me to setting -- The physical characteristics of the place are intriguing. It’s a society where this is possible, but you have them isolated so we get a feeling that the society beyond this place may not agree with what’s going on here. Again, you have merely touched on an issue, and it fell to the wayside before the story was finished. How would the setting affect the actions? How would it affect the emotions? What is outside the isolated place, and could it have any kind of impact on the characters?

Crazy mentioned some chess terms, most of which I was unfamiliar with. (I’m very amateur, remember ) But I know which pieces do what and a few basic strategies. What I’d be interested in with this idea is the actual purpose of the game. With only two pieces, it isn’t clear. Winning consists of taking the King of the opposite side. This also suggests that the pieces be both male and female. Why all female? And what about the rest of the chess pieces? What happens when one person actually wins the game? The reward... prize... etc.

Or, and this is where my busy mind starts making up endings -- what if the controllers (the men here) are being controlled, themselves, and a higher power is betting on the game, etc. The possibilities are endless. You certainly picked a good subject!

I’d definitely expand on it, and give the players a past life, before they became pawns and knights. You have a good writing style, although it does need some reworking of awkward and long sentences. Paragraphing should be reworked, with some breakdown of the longer ones. A good rule of thumb for paragraphing -- if the paragraph takes up more that the viewing screen, then break it up. For sentences -- if more than a single idea or action is in the sentence, break it up.

Sentences are particularly vulnerable to this kind of thing, and it’s difficult not to string together a bunch of actions or ideas in the first draft. Using Crazy’s example --
*With just two squares to go the woman gave a shriek of pure lust and fell writhing to the ground her uncontrollable hands tried to bury themselves deep into herself as the final shattering release took her further and further into sexual masochism.*

Rewrite as -- The woman had two squares left to go. She gave a shriek of pure lust and fell writhing to the ground. Her uncontrollable hands tried to bury themselves deep into herself as the final, shattering release took her further into sexual masochism.

There are other ways to rewrite that sentence, but you get the drift. If you vary the length of sentences and paragraphs it will give more drama to the story. Short sentences startle-- long sentences draw out a moment, making it last a little longer than it would in reality. My normal advice is to tell writers to read their stuff aloud. If you have to pause in the middle of a sentence to take a breath, the sentence needs to be broken up with a comma or a period. If you pause automatically at an appropriate spot, put in a comma. If you use a different word than the one that’s written, it’s an indication that your brain is trying to tell you to use a different word

All in all, it was a fun idea, with a lot of possibilities for further work on it Add to the characters, or don’t work from their pov. Give us a glimpse of the real ‘mind’ control bit of this instead of bodily control. You have the beginnings of an interesting and fun story here. Keep going!

Mickie

 

[p_p_man]

I suppose in the true sense of the word this is not a story. It is a section of a story that I thought could stand alone in its own right. The interplay between Juan and Carl and the mention that the schedule has to be moved up a few weeks are not really part of the story but more of an aid in helping the story line along.

I can understand that many readers feel more comfortable if they have a complete background to a tale laid out for them but in this case there is no such background. I suppose it can be likened to a dream sequence where the action begins immediately and what little of the background needs to be told comes out in the story itself (or should).

Is it really necessary to tell the reader that Carl and Juan are themselves part of a much larger, cosmic game being played out around them (although they are unaware of it)? That would involve much more writing and the story would creep into novella size and then finally become a full-blown novel. I was secretly pleased that Mickie's imagination had already run ahead of the story, when he wrote in his post. "Or, and this is where my busy mind starts making up endings -- what if the controllers (the men here) are being controlled, themselves, and a higher power is betting on the game, etc. The possibilities are endless."

I was hoping that by giving just enough description to keep the story going without getting bogged down in long and tedious explanations in order to cross every "t" and dot every "i" would be enough. But I accept that I may have been just a little too frugal!

Yes! I know! I have often been criticised for the length of my sentences. I suppose it can be explained by the fact that I write as I speak. Once I start writing I rarely have to stop to rewrite a piece, it all seems to flow as I go along. This is similar to the way most of us carry out a conversation and my writing style reflects very much this speaking style. Whenever I have been published in the real world I have always been asked by editors to make shorter, more concise sentences. It's a problem I know I have and I do work on it but sometimes the problem is larger than any cure!

Thanks very much for the comments made so far. I'm splitting my own comments/replies into a couple of sections in order to give enough time to each point raised. But to me this is excellent stuff! It's the first time I've ever submitted a story for discussion, anywhere, and I find the whole experience thrilling. For once I'm getting some decent feedback!

 

[Mr_Neb]

Unfortunately, the story, although very well constructed, did little for me. You intentionally de-personalized the characters by having them serve as chess pieces. That also de-personalizes the sex, at least for me. I found myself not caring much about the sex. It is very tough if not impossible to impart lust and passion when the characters are little more than mechanical entities.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you seem to be a very good writer but the premise just doesn't work for me.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I have to concur with whomever said it. I did not like the story, it bothered me from the get go, even though I read all of it. It de-humanized the women in it and it took for granted that they could even be sexually stimulated like that when I am pretty sure this is not so. From personal experience, having vibrators and the like jammed up in there for hours on end is not orgasmic, it's numbing. What turns women on isn't physical stimulation, but mental stimulation. The whole story seemed to be overlooking that fact. Frankly, it mystified me that the women in the story even managed to orgasm.

Perhaps, if it were back with the whole as ppman said it was a part of, the story would make more sense. As is, it doesn't make much sense and seems to ask the reader to suspend too much belief. At least on my part.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Chess Game,
The writing is clear, if a bit over heated. The details are well marshaled. The writer obviously has some skill, although others have found some lapses.
Yet I agree with Mickie, Mr. Neb, KillerM; the story is curiously flat. The eroticism is perhaps intended to be in the early paras when the woman is stimulated to collapse. Not much else in the story gives rise to tension or questions.
Well, as KM said, the central premise is essentially mechanical. Electricity to certain sexual areas will produce orgasm. Oddlly, the clitoral area is omitted; again, as others have said, a kind of naive view of female sexuality. If you're going to stimulate some one to collapse, probably the brain or CNS would be the target.
Now, there could be an interesting story of someone being stimulated to collapse, but, as others have said, the characters would have to have depth. PPM might try to get into the experience of someone undergoing such stimulation.
But I don't think he wants to!!! His intent seems to be to show essentially 'mad scientists' coldly destroying women. So then it's not a piece of erotica, it's about the scientists/players. If that's what he wants, then he has to flesh out the scientists, make them interesting and their conflict dramatic.

I would say that given PPM's imaginative premise, he got stuck in the mechanics of it, the heaving T and twitching A. His good writerly skills were exercized before much reflection or feeling--attention to the 'human side'; both of which he can do.

 

[Mickie]

Abashed has brought up a point here -- is this based on the erotic experience, or is it truely based on the ability of the scientists to control the bodily functions of the women? In order to be erotica, must it be personal? Or would this rate as porn, rather than erotica? Porn is impersonal -- it uses less emotion than erotica. It deals with penis and vagina rather than the minds behind them.

Mickie

 

[p_p_man]

This short piece has raised more points than I had considered.

Porn or erotica?

I suppose in the true sense of the word this story is more pornographic than anything else. But I sometimes find there is a very fuzzy line between romance/erotica/porn, and the boundaries merge on more than one occasion.

Having the men control the women in a game which we are all familiar with would, in my opinion, constitute erotica. But it is erotica centred from the male point of view. Men don't necessarily have to perform the sex act to reach satisfaction. Having a woman on hands and knees in front of you whilst you use her as a footstool is in itself erotica with strong sexual undertones.

It is the male dominance over the female which is the satisfying factor in that type of scene.

Juan and Carlos being who they are have no real need for physical stimulation. They've seen and done it all (which I mentioned in the story). They get their satisfaction from their control over women. Thus the game.

The sex scenes in themselves (no matter how uninformed they appear) can indeed be classified as pornographic because the female characters have no substance. They are there purely to do the bidding of the two men. Thus the sexual activity between the women is not meant to include any emotional feeling. It is pure physical release between two females who have been gently stimulated for a length of time and now feel the urge to reach an orgasm. Or collapse from sexual strain thus losing their controller a chess piece. This was one of the rule changes I had to introduce.

I usually go on the premise that porn equals more action less chat, and erotica more chat and less action. As there is definitely more sexual activity in the piece than verbal exchanges between Juan and Carlos I suppose the story would fall into the porn category.

Although I didn't think of it that way when I was writing it.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I would call it neither porn nor erotica. From a personal perspective, both are arousing. This was not arousing. I think there are more elements required in smut, porn, and erotica than simply sex or sexual situations. I've got a story that's 95% sexual description, but no one would really call it porn or erotica. I think that's the case here. While the story could be interesting if pp man, as he says, makes it a part of the whole he had in mind, as it is, I think it failed. Where it failed is in the breakdown of essential human nature. He wrote a story, but left the humanness out of it and for a tale to arouse it must have humanness in it. Like a-d pointed out, the two male characters didn't have enough conflict or development to really arouse and the female characters may as well have been robots.

ppman, this isn't a reflection on you or your writing skills. I think it's just that you made a poor choice in the timing of the story. Like you said, it's a part of a whole and it's incomplete without the whole.

 

[p_p_man]

It's now 11am Friday morning...

I couldn't get into Literotica yesterday and I'm going out for the day today. This is a very short interim note to thank everyone for their excelent contributions to the thread. Each comment has made me look closer at my writing style and the way I think when I'm doing the actual writing.

I intend writing a full closing piece by tomorrow (Sat) but until then...thanks again.

 

[REDWAVE]

Good fragment

To chime in again, and having read PPMan's explanation, I have to concur that this could be an excellent opening to a longer piece, but it doesn't stand by itself very well. It's an intriguing premise, and I'd like to learn more about this weird little male-dominated society, the larger background in which it exists, and the nature of the relationship between Juan and Carl. I'm also very curious about what kind of punishment the woman who prematurely "orgasmed" will receive.

 

[Maquinna]

So much has been said on this piece already that I feel it would be a waste of most everyone's time to simply repeat the same ideas. I suppose what has struck me most that I am having some difficulty with is the motivation of any of the characters in the story. We simply don't get any understanding of how Juan and Carlos got to this point, or what they get out of it. I'm not requesting a neat, pat conclusion - I like some ambiguity - but the one word that kept resounding in my head, while reading the piece (and when I re-read it) was "why?"

I think, however, this could be an interesting segment of a larger piece, as ppm has indicated he has been considering. If he does that, though, we need to get some sense out of what makes these guys tick. No one would go to such elaborate lengths to create a "game" that they don't get pleasure out of. I don't see these two, right now, getting any more pleasure out of seeing woman performing in this wooden manner any more than they might out of being able to say "you sunk my battleship." As it stands right now, what's the point?

 

[Mickie]

Hum. It looks to me like the overwhelming consensus is more character . We need to know who these people are, underneath the skin. Their responses have to come from who they are, their past experiences, etc.

This would help out the problem of flat characters, motivations for sexual excitement, etc. The women -- we don't even know if they signed up for this. Maybe it isn't about controlling the women at all. Maybe it's about women who want to be controlled? The men -- we need to FEEL their excitement, whether it's because of the situation or actual stimulation.

I'll restate my opinion here, too. Erotica deals with emotion. Porn deals with 'insert tab A into slot B'. Erotica provides more than sexual excitement. It gives a whole range of emotion to contribute to sexual excitement. Porn concentrates on the outward appearances of sex, not on the inward motivations.

Remember, PPMan, you can't please everyone, but there are a few basic things that will please most. Most people read to identify with the characters in a story. They, in a sense, become these characters in order to escape into fantasy. Realistic characters, with emotions and inner dialogue, make it easier for the reader to identify with them.

Good job, people. This has been an interesting and diverse discussion. I'm looking forward to the next critique session!

Mickie

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

The Chess Game

As others have said, in this piece the main characters do
not participate in hte sexual action, and the sexual actors
are not particularly realized.

This puts the story in the category of a particular
criticism of pornography.

The second, and much smaller, genre in which the story
finds itself is the genre of fictional "living chess."
This goes back a while. E. R. Burroughs used this in one
of his Mars books. Here, the rules are more believable.
All the living chess piece has to do is resist orgasm until
she has reached the piece she has to take.

Anyway, it is an interesting idea within a well planned alernate reality.
Unfortunately, it is not a well-communicated alternate reality.
We are left mostly with questions. As part of a longer
work which answered these questions, these teasing glimpses
would work. Where they stand alone now, they mostly don't.