The Bureau of General Story Inspectorship

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[keeblercrumb]

Dear friends,

A dark shadow looms over us. It began long ago, but because of its then-microscopic dimensional scope almost went mostly undetected. It has, however, over time, stretched to the point that no one, absolutely no one, is safe from any potential attack.
Their methods are numerous:
Guerilla warriors with pornographic pens
critics preaching skeletal doctrines
editors wielding razors forged in manual camps…
these and many more, too lengthy to list here, but we know to encapsulate all into one single definable word: the all-too-ominously-well-known literary terrorist group, known as: El-Literaida (alternate spellings use Al-Lidaretta, yet others, Al-Luridetta, and et al, etcetera).

A recent Al-Korectum (another alternate spelling) attack on a village in a neutral zone aroused a need for emergency actions. In the attack every hut was strewn asunder then massed upon pyres of flaming hot red adjectives. Almost every inhabitant was impaled on Courier Font exclamation marks, not before undergoing excruciating grilling as they were grilled, slowly, ever so excruciatingly slowly, over generally indescribable coals of commas, fonts of every shape and size imaginable, including italics. The few that Al-Karratti (another alternate spelling) allowed to survive were then taken captive and carried away to Strunk and White reformatory internment camps, and were never again heard of, or from, ever again.

This latest Al-cokaida (another alternate spelling) atrocity has finally compelled proactive action, and in secret underground shafts where offices were constructed from emergency materials, administrators for public literary safety sweatily brainstormed at long conference tables, until was born the creation of the Bureau of Story General Inspector (secretly known as BSGI).

The SBSGI (secretly known as Special Bureau of Story General Inspector) has but one concentrated and simplistic, though explicitly imperative mission:

the active seeking out, and, the thorough investigative inspection, of, as many literary (including pornographic) items that its intelligence and searchlight arm can capably and ably reach adequately, to apprehend, as well as, request that from henceforth, writers volunteer to offer their literary pieces (including the pornographic) to their local SSBSGI (secretly known as Secret Special Bureau of Story General Inspector) office, so that they may be more likely removed from suspicions, as to their subversive literary intentions and if their capabilities be deemed potentially hazardous, that appropriate measurements can and shall be taken with these considerations in mind.

The General Inspector Chief of Bureau and Staff Operations will then assign one Inspector to inspect one spinner-selected story, who will then make public declarative conclusions regarding the specific dangers as well as the relative safety of the particular literary piece (not excluding the pornographic) as it may pertain to the unsuspecting potential reader.

Via secret short wave channels we sent out our plea for international cooperation, and we were unprepared for the enormity of encouragingly positively avid responses. We were equally surprised that many of those who hopingly volunteered their inspection talents to the SSBSGIAO (secretly known as the Secret Special Bureau of Story General Inspector Administrative Offices) included an impressive roster of popular celebrities who yet do live in their flesh and blood bodies in these perilous times, many also via satellite dishes.

But that wasn’t all.

This situation of epic dimensions has apparently been a burdensome weight of such magnitude that it was manifested backwards through time to the extent that it reached the awareness of souls who already passed on to the Other Side. Via secretly obtained channeling technology we were able to receive confirmatory word that many of them wished to cooperate and contribute, too, as well.

But, it being an impossible task to employ impartial equity in the selection of the weekly Special Bureau of Story General Inspector story inspector, it was decided that an appeal to Providence was the only real way to come to a decent decision. And thus, employing the lottery method, a special inspector working with the ISSBSGIAO (secretly known as the Impartial Secret Special Bureau of Story General Inspector Administrative Offices) was providentially selected only moments ago and is now sequestered in a private place with the chosen literary document of great concern to the THISSBSGIAO (secretly known as The Highest Impartial Secret Special Bureau of Story General Inspector Administrative Office). The specifics of the literary document cannot be disclosed at this time, however we do know that the writer of the document goes under the code name, damppanties.

The Special General Guest Inspector is scheduled to appear here within 54 hours when he will provide us with a full report.

Thank you and happy reading and writing.

Well that certainly explains it.

I thought it was something in the water.

 

[hmmnmm]

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[neonlyte]

Al-Literica (sic) was formed in 1423 in Cordoba, Spain by Moorish students of the Cordoba University. Origionally a student society, largely devoted to the composition of sonnets devoid of any discernable pattern, the society was transformed in 1449 by Al-Ti-pographer who invented a form of printing press, prior to Caxton, setting type on the foreheads of Spanish peasants and having their inked foreheads bow in the rough direction of Mecca over velcrum faced prayer mats. It was discovered (by Al-Ti-pographer) this method virtually guaranteed the reproduction of acceptable nonsense sonnets.

The society moved underground after El-epsilon conquered Cordoba in the early sixteenth century only to re-appear in the twentieth century under the new title Al-Un. Despite their vociforous intrusion into the affirs of world-wide cultures, Al-Un's proclamations appear largely ignored and incomprehensible to anyone outside of academia. Naively (in the opinion of many rudimentary English speakers) the Oxford Dictionary has accepted sponsorship from Al-Un resulting in some 42.3% of all English words now being revised to include the prefix 'Al', e.g Al-an, Al-uminim, Al-pine and Al-phrodisiac. Al-bus Dumbledore - the legendary anti-hero of Harry Potter and the Al-Hallows, was recently appointed a Director of Al-Un (Holdings) Ltd, the companies shares rose on the Al-Dow exchange by three scrotums. (c) Al-google 2007

 

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[damppanties]

http://www.deafonline2.com/xforums/images/smilies/Lurking.gif​

 

[keeblercrumb]

The Special Guest Storyland Inspector has come.
Please welcome, the 37th president of the United States:

My fellow Americans,

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b247/Arantula/richard-nixon-picture50.jpg
​

and fellow friends around the globe,
As you know, I was brought out of my retirement on the Other Side so that I could service my country and the world once more. I was then given a document of great concern to the newly formed SBSGI that I inspected thoroughly in a private sequestered place.
I urge that the SSBGIAO immediately place this document under strict censure. Also, that the writer, who bears the code name, damppanties, be located and apprehended. I must say, and I want to make this perfectly clear, that this document written by ‘damppanties’ commits heinous and unspeakable crimes against literary morality and common decency, in fact they are so serious as to call for immediate prosecution.
And, damppanties?
If you're out there, and if you've tuned into this message from your secret porn writing lair, if you have any shred of moral literary decency left within you, you will step forward and answer these charges that the Bureau already prepares, even as I speak.
I have some time to receive questions, however, I must warn you, details contained inside this dangerous document must not be discussed, at any cost, in any form whatsoever.

Al-ass!! He's back!

 

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