The Brute and the Airhead

[Knightmare27]

Jacobus stood up and dusted himself off, trying to look as dignified as someone who had just been tackled off his horse by a little girl could. He cursed himself for hiring that shapeshifter scout and grabbed his club off the ground, just in time for a tiny, but well placed kick to remind him that, while his opponent looked six years old at the moment, he certainly knew where to kick men.

"It was a mixup, understand?", he screamed breathlessly as he struggled to his feet and tried to open his tear-filled eyes. The shapeshifter was watching him from across the road, now morphed into an old crone who cackled at him so expertly you expected her to fly away on a broom any minute now. Not being a witch, the shapeshifter instead simply sidestepped the enraged colonel's screaming charge before disappearing into the woods.

Jacobus swore. Generally, mostly, but also never to hire shapeshifters again. No more naked doppelgangers of himself waking his soldiers up at night for "surprise underwear inspections". No more mysterious nobles who needed him for a "special mission" inside the duke's wife's sleeping chambers (he had needed all his wits to escape this situation*). And, most importantly, no more lost little boys crying in the middle of the road who told him some sob story about finding their parents only for them to turn out to be, somewhat improbably, ogres. No more!

In any case, after having gotten rid of this nuisance, he gathered up his troops and noted, with satisfaction, that most of them tried to hide their grins very successfully. Incredible how much respect you could buy with money. Well, mostly with money. Actually, mostly with an enormously oversized club, a bad temper and a hard-working goblin cleanup crew.

They were currently between jobs, so they had decided to move farther east, where some local dukes were...well, duking it out, solving their differences in the manner of blue bloods everywhere, by having their peasants slaughter each other. If they did not encounter any more crazies like that, this would be an uneventful day. If.

*A relatively small expense

 

[dravynslilvamp]

It all started two years ago with the neighboring noble kingdom started fighting on account that Lord Victor Heartsmith wouldn’t authorize the marriage between his daughter Willow Heartsmith, and Lord Sheldon. Victor proposed it to Willow, and she ended up throwing a tantrum. “I shan’t I can’t and I won’t” she said in a huff as she stood up from her seat throwing the towel on the plate. “I can’t marry someone named Sheldon, plus he is old” with that she stormed off to the tower which was her room.

Lord Victor furious went after her “Willow Angelina Heartsmith you will hold your tongue, and never talk like that or it will be the stocks for you noble or no noble you will respect people.” Glaring at him as she was at the top of the stairs “Your impossible, and I won’t Marry Sheldon I would kill myself if you made me” with that she grabbed her blue gown, and huffed up the stairs slamming, and locking herself in her room. It had been a couple hours, and all she heard was yelling, and the threat of war.

The war was still going on as Willow laid in the silver metal tub while her maids sat, and talked to her while others washed her hair she sighed. “What is wrong my lady?” “Oh Marigold I am tired of this fighting I am going to be beheaded soon I just know it I don’t feel safe.” Getting up she let her maids towel dry her “I have to get out of here” smudging her lips together as she pulled her black hair in a bun, and put on a velvet red gown. “Oh Marigold I hate these gowns I can’t breathe in anyone of them.” Pouting as always she dismissed her maids not even bothering putting on shoes.
Sneaking out the back of the castle she took off running when she heard the cannon go off “Oh my word today is it I am going to die I shouldn’t have left my chambers” sighing as she leaned against the wall running not looking where she was going.

Seemed like forever before she heard hooves thinking it were Lord Sheldon she stopped in her tracks waiting.

 

[Knightmare27]

Jacobus was not quite sure what startled him more: The running barefoot woman in the once expensive, but now mainly muddy gown, or the artillery, unpleasantly reminding him that getting this close to the frontlines was not exactly safe. No, scratch that. Definitely the woman. Who was she? By the clothing, definitely a noble. But why alone, not even a handmaiden with her? And why was she running? This sounded like a damsel in distress. Or at least a damsel with rich parents. He dismounted slightly stiffly and walked towards the stranger, trying his best to hide that that damn shapeshifter's kick was still making itself felt.

Colonel Jacobus "He whom you can stab all day and he won't feel a thing" Fonscampus did not have the first idea about etiquette. To him, a bow was a poncy elf weapon, and his idea of refined politeness was to refrain from spitting in front of strangers. Still, he gamely tried his best to greet the lady with the movement he had seen the nobles do from afar (afar was the natural position nobles took towards him). The rather stiff bow was made even worse by the bruise between his legs and the heavy plate armour he was wearing. In short, it looked and sounded more like an enormous tower leaning and starting to fall over.

"Hello there, lady. Need some help?"

 

[dravynslilvamp]

Willow scrynched her nose at this man who towered over her. The armour was a little bent, and the way he limped he must have been in a fight with someone or thing. Giving a little sigh "I am Willow Heartsmith, and if you are not going near my town then yes, I may need some help." curtsian to Jacob.

"Why are you so willing to help me? what exactly is in it for you or are you just a nice guy?" smiling she peered into his eyes waiting for an answer.

 

[Knightmare27]

He gave her a genial smile that would frighten small children: "Of course I am nice, lady! Also there is likely a cash reward because you look like your dad is some rich fool, maybe even a duke, and I heard that the women in this dukedom are all incredible sluts... at least that's what they told me in that inn over there. At least it used to be an inn until..."

He trailed off, the slight smell of burnt wood clinging to him somehow becoming more intense when he mentioned the inn.

"Anyway, what are you running from?

 

[dravynslilvamp]

"My father is a Lord." she scoffed, and thought to herself well duh it had to br about money. "Not all are sluts, I am not, I never even been remotely close to another human being I am still intact."

Looking behind her she gave a small breath as she returned to look at Jacob. "My father is whom I'm running away from he wants me to marry, and I don't want to at least not the guy I am being forced to wed." Taking a strand of hair as she slowly glidded it between her finger, and thumb.

 

[Knightmare27]

Anyone who called Jacobus "as cunning as a fox" was probably doing so under duress, but he was smart enough to see that if he told that girl the right lies, there would likely be a reward for bringing her back...

"I would be more than happy to protect you, young lady... but you see, you would stick out a bit in that fancy dress of yours. Maybe we should have you travel with us in... inco... dressed as someone else?"

He was more than proud at having come up with this plan, and told her about it with almost childish pride...

 

[dravynslilvamp]

Willow had thought for a second then had sighed. "Well I guess you are right" twitching her nose back and forth. "There is a market that sells clothes that my maidens go to I guess we can go there."

Tilting her head to see if she could see any false hood in his story. "So I shall ride your horse, and you will guide it." As Willow walked over, and was about to put her leg around and suddenly with a thud was on the ground. Scoffing she looked up at Jacobs as he was standing above her. "What was that for?"

 

[Knightmare27]

"What gave you the idea I will lend you my horse? Would not be very inco-...in...disguised if you rode my own horse, now would it? No, you will march back there with the rest of my troops. There is no way anyone would recognize you back there."

After a pause, he roared: "Quartermaster! Get the young lady some spare clothes!", then beamed at his...captive?...rescued damsel?...random annoyance? and said, in a softer voice: "We will get you dressed up as a soldier; no one will suspect a thing."

 

[dravynslilvamp]

Willow snorted and rolled her eyes in annoyance "I have to what? do you know how heavy those things are I would die. They are hot my hair will surely frizz, do you know how bad my hair looks kinked?"

Noticing some of his men laugh and looked at his blank expression she didn't know what to do as she bit her lip and whined "Fine, but don't they have more stylish armor instead of this banged up stuff? how often do you get new? has anyone wore this yet?"

Crinkling her nose as she sighed thinking to herself maybe if I act like I don't know what I am doing he will surely feel sorry for me. Making a little pout face as she took in a deep breath slowly raking her fingers through her hair.

 

[Knightmare27]

Fancier armour? His eyes fell on some tiny white flowers at the side of the road. He ripped them out with both hands and squashed what remained of the poor things into the hole on top of the helmet which had once held some feathers. "There. Royal enough for you, princess?", he said without a hint of sarcasm. He was really very proud of his idea.

He then turned to his men and bellowed: "Men! Where are your manners? A lady is going to change her clothes! Turn around, will you?" Not wanting to feel his club, they all complied, reluctantly. "Now you can change in peace, lady", he said, still beaming. Good thing they could not see that he certainly would not be looking away...

 

[dravynslilvamp]

Glaring at Jacobus she slowly put the helmet down and took a look of pity upon him."Thanks,but no thanks" she simply said as she took her hand and dusted it off. Hearing the clacking of the other men who turned around she looked at Jacob "Um I guess your going to watch?"

She slowly started to slide her arm of the gown off her shoulder showing her light complected almost snow skin as she blinked her blue eyes.

Smirking a little as she slowly, and teasingly slipped out of her dress. Revealing her corset that showed off her hour glass figure. The corset was a teal color in the middle, and the buttons and lace around it was black. As it connected to her guarder belt.

Making sure to take her time as she turned her back to the man secretly liking her lips as she put the armor on one piece at a time. Breathing in slowly as she could feel his eyes staring at her.

After the armor was placed properly she turned around "So where should my place be kind sir?"

 

[Knightmare27]

She was clearly enjoying this - he was not objecting, as he was enjoying this quite a bit too. Getting a boner right after a kick in the nuts turned out to be ungodly painful, but the feeling he got when he looked at the hints of perfect white skin she showed him made up for it. Almost.

For the first time in his life (not counting that one time he had mistakenly charged his own lines and only noticed after having cleaved one of his own men in half - calling him a "little bastard" all the while), he was speechless. Something moved in him...well, TWO things were moving, and one of them he had never felt move before. It took him a full three seconds to recover, setting another first - it was the longest he had ever thought about anything. "Well... I guess right by my side is fine..."

No one (at least no survivors) could remember ever watching him blush, but this princess was now witness to this rare and spectacular event.

 

[dravynslilvamp]

"Oh well I guess so if you insist" heading to the side of his horse she bumped him a little "Oh I am sorry this thing makes me clumsy." Giggling to herself as she positioned by his horse.

It had been a few hours since they were walking as she noticed they headed back to her kingdom. A little nervous as she saw her father coming towards the men.

Watching Jacobs get off his horse she leaned in "He is a sucker for gambling, and hes very good to strangers if it is your wish ask him if there is a place to stay for the night he will tell you were to go."

Watching as Jacobs walked towards her father she had a pit in her stomach wondering what he was going to do should she trust him?

 

[Knightmare27]

He came back a short time later, grinning. "Your father's offer was... not too generous. I am of half a mind to look around and see what the other nobles would pay for you. It's not like he can force me to hand you over. And neither can you... oh, sorry, I did not want to scare you. No matter who buys you, I rescue you later. Just maxim... masti... making sure that I profit as much as possible, lady."

That was both uncharacteristically kind and uncharacteristically cunning of him. The little lady seemed to bring out an entire new side in the "Skulltaker"*

*He hated that nickname. It was so inaccurate. Did they have any idea what a good-sized skull collection weighs?

 

[dravynslilvamp]

Willow looked at Jacobus as he walked away and she surely followed. "What do you mean he was not too generous?" she grabbed his arm "My father had always been a generous man you didn't do it right." She insisted to herself Jacobs had been lying.

"I'm going to be sick" she groaned as she grabbed the pit of her stomach something did not add up did her father even care she was gone? In just a short while had he been that angry that he would just not care anymore?

"The nobles here only do trade for slaves in gems not gold the most you would get for me is 1 diamond 3 rubies maybe a saphire if they are not being greedy." She looked at him and pondered if she should have told him that. A wicked Grin came across her face

"If you do decide to sell me then after you rescue me I want half." Smirking all the while to see how he would react..

 

[Knightmare27]

Jacobus gave an appreciative grin at her idea. She was not that stupid, it seemed! A good plan, indeed. It was time for aggressive negotiations over her share of the loot, though.

"Half? Girl, you are nothing but the bait here. I mean, no offense, you are very good bait, what with your... baiting... body and all, but I will have to take all the danger in this plan. They may cut my balls off if they catch me stealing you back. And you... you do not even have balls."

Jacobus took a long time - looking not unlike a cow chewing cud - trying to remember fractions. Then he just used something that sounded good, hoping it was actually more than half. "I do not want half! I want a quarter of the takings, at least! That is my last offer!"

Which noble to sell her to first? They just had to check, but he was already looking forward to the dashing rescue he would have to pull off. Maybe this day would turn out to be good after all. His good fortune had almost made him forget that shapeshifter.

 

[dravynslilvamp]

Willow sighed as she shook her head from side to side at least he was compromising. "Deal" she looked at him and held her hand out for a shake to make the deal legit. Glancing around as she seen the white tent peering,she squinted a little and a smirk came across her face. You know some nobals are in that tent,however I am starving we should get something to eat before we do our little plan.

 

[Knightmare27]

"Hmmm...what do princesses eat?" He was seriously puzzled by this. Did they eat the same things as people? Eventually, he decided to try. "I will ask my men what they can cook up for you. To tell you the truth, all this rescuing has made me pretty hungry, too."