phantome71
Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2002
- Posts
- 36
Please check it out and let me know whadya think?
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=77809
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=77809
The Brothel In Old Amsterdam
- Thread starter phantome71
- Start date
Octavian
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2002
- Posts
- 600
Feedback as requested
Hello phantome71.
I liked the story as a whole, but I think you could have done a bit more with it. Let me give you an example of what I mean.
You wrote
["Tell you what," he said with a wink, "If I give you some money you might find a girl who can help you."
He never did shock me and to be truthful the thought of visiting a brothel was something that I had long had an urge to do.]
What was the point of writing that your Dad never did shock you?
This could have been written:
"You should do what I did at your age, Son. Go to a brothel; it is the best way to learn. I'll tell you what...I'll even pay for you!"
My Dad! In a brothel! I would never have believed it! And not only that; he was actually recommending it to me; something I had long had an urge to do.
You should avoid too much extraneous information.
You wrote
["I not have to go out now," she explained. The phone message had obviously cancelled the need for her to go.]
You could have written
"That call---I don't need to go out now."
Some people might point out that as you wrote from the first person's point of view, how could you have known that "Trudy had hitch-hiked from Rumania." This could have been averted had Ingrid informed her client.
Suggestion
"I have the ideal girl for you. She is so keen to work here that she hitch-hiked from Rumania. She is just as young and inexperienced as you are. Her name is Trudy."
One other relatively minor point. When someone asks a question, the question mark is placed at the end of the speech, not at the end of the sentence. This is how it should have been written.
"What you want?" she asked me abruptly.
I hope this helps.
Octavian
Hello phantome71.
I liked the story as a whole, but I think you could have done a bit more with it. Let me give you an example of what I mean.
You wrote
["Tell you what," he said with a wink, "If I give you some money you might find a girl who can help you."
He never did shock me and to be truthful the thought of visiting a brothel was something that I had long had an urge to do.]
What was the point of writing that your Dad never did shock you?
This could have been written:
"You should do what I did at your age, Son. Go to a brothel; it is the best way to learn. I'll tell you what...I'll even pay for you!"
My Dad! In a brothel! I would never have believed it! And not only that; he was actually recommending it to me; something I had long had an urge to do.
You should avoid too much extraneous information.
You wrote
["I not have to go out now," she explained. The phone message had obviously cancelled the need for her to go.]
You could have written
"That call---I don't need to go out now."
Some people might point out that as you wrote from the first person's point of view, how could you have known that "Trudy had hitch-hiked from Rumania." This could have been averted had Ingrid informed her client.
Suggestion
"I have the ideal girl for you. She is so keen to work here that she hitch-hiked from Rumania. She is just as young and inexperienced as you are. Her name is Trudy."
One other relatively minor point. When someone asks a question, the question mark is placed at the end of the speech, not at the end of the sentence. This is how it should have been written.
"What you want?" she asked me abruptly.
I hope this helps.
Octavian
gauchecritic
When there are grey skies
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2002
- Posts
- 7,076
I managed to read to the end of your story but unfortunatley only to see if it got better, which it didn't.
The first point at which I was going to leave it altogether was when the Madame apparently turned into a Mistress. The only thing I thought the boy would do is a runner.
The second point was when the Mistress ordered the boy directly to her clit! I am reliably informed that that is the last place during foreplay. Ok she is a prostitute and used to this but still.
Im pretty sure that an experienced prostitute will use condoms during any sort of penetration including oral.
Would a Madame fuck clients anyway?
His tongue was inside her vagina AND rubbing her clitoris? Long tongue.
Quivering vagina? I'll have tro start getting out more or renting more videos.
"Ingrid had recently taken on a young girl who had hitch hiked from Romania and who was being "trained" for her new "career". She had been told that she would have to produce her birth certificate to prove that she was indeed at least eighteen.
That proof had now arrived and Ingrid was keen to "break her in" gently. Who better than this boy who had only just lost his virginity?"
Here is where I DID back click. (but still returned ) A Madame offering a virgin to a recently ex-virgin? This is SO unbelievable. This girl could probably have been traded as a virgin for several extremely well paying clients in a row before becoming obviously not a virgin.
Then this virgin starts showing preferances for position.
Then it's the second only shag of his life and he pulls out for a hand-job instead.
Sorry if it sounds harsh phantome but I couldn't get aroused by this because my belief wasn't suspended, it was nailed firmly to the floor
Me being
Gauche
The first point at which I was going to leave it altogether was when the Madame apparently turned into a Mistress. The only thing I thought the boy would do is a runner.
The second point was when the Mistress ordered the boy directly to her clit! I am reliably informed that that is the last place during foreplay. Ok she is a prostitute and used to this but still.
Im pretty sure that an experienced prostitute will use condoms during any sort of penetration including oral.
Would a Madame fuck clients anyway?
His tongue was inside her vagina AND rubbing her clitoris? Long tongue.
Quivering vagina? I'll have tro start getting out more or renting more videos.
"Ingrid had recently taken on a young girl who had hitch hiked from Romania and who was being "trained" for her new "career". She had been told that she would have to produce her birth certificate to prove that she was indeed at least eighteen.
That proof had now arrived and Ingrid was keen to "break her in" gently. Who better than this boy who had only just lost his virginity?"
Here is where I DID back click. (but still returned ) A Madame offering a virgin to a recently ex-virgin? This is SO unbelievable. This girl could probably have been traded as a virgin for several extremely well paying clients in a row before becoming obviously not a virgin.
Then this virgin starts showing preferances for position.
Then it's the second only shag of his life and he pulls out for a hand-job instead.
Sorry if it sounds harsh phantome but I couldn't get aroused by this because my belief wasn't suspended, it was nailed firmly to the floor
Me being
Gauche
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