The Brokens

[bholderman]

So my story has been partially laid out in the morning thread. But it got me thinking.

Who here at some point in their life realized that they had broken.

Down completely. WIlling to share that story?

 

[Homburg]

I can't say that I broke down completely, but I did break down pretty damned bad a little while ago. Posted about it on here, though I'm not sure which thread/s. Got a lot of support.

There's some good people here. Really good people.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have come close a few times and reached that point once for sure where I basically slept a couple of years of my life away in depression. The alarm clock was my best friend so I knew I would be awake to get my children to school and home again, fed, bathed...the rest of the time I was asleep and beyond caring. I eventually pulled myself out of it, started planning my future, then made positive steps toward making that future a reality. I never ever want to go back there again.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

I've been in a rock bottom place for a while now, dealing as best I can. I suppose I have days where I'm there, and then days when I feel like, hey, I'm doing pretty well. I really don't lean much towards depression (thankfully), so when I drop, it's more about short bouts of anxiety and panic.

At some point, months and months ago (just before coming to Lit and the bdsm board), I was sort of unconsciously eager to escape my marriage. I was desperate for male attention, desperate for comfort. I'm still exploring why I got to that place, considering my marriage was in many ways, quite decent at the time. I think I had a lot of anger leftover from feeling let down by my husband during a difficult birth, and I wasn't feeling particularly supported emotionally by him, and we had hit a lull in the relationship.

First I let myself get swept away by some dude I met in a chat room, and then he disappeared. I was really reeling after that, and I landed here on the boards. Something about bdsm really struck me, and I started to read more about it, and I started emailing someone I met here.

I don't want to lay blame on him. He's not a bad guy at all. I just think I wanted to escape the problems of my daily reality, and my dissolving marriage, and so I plowed full speed ahead into this online relationship with a caring, older Dominant type - at times, a Daddy Dom.

The problem, *sometimes,* with an online relationship, is that until you spend time together in real life, your reality together is something of a heightened fantasy relationship. You present your best self. And so do they. And I was in a place where I wanted some sort of fairy taleish escape.

When the fantasy finally crumbled, I had to face the end of my marriage. And I'm still facing it. And the real rock bottom part for me is to face my own bit of hypocrisy. I have always sworn up and down that I will put my kid first, no matter what. Well, I didn't show up for my marriage. I lied to my husband. And though I loved my son throughout, and was a good mother, he will have to suffer the consequences of my actions. And if I really were so dedicated to family, I would have done better. And that has been the hardest thing to come to grips with. I was selfish. I didn't put family first.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my comments about the online stuff. It certainly isn't everyone, nor everyone relationship. But I do see people on here who are in unhappy marriages, and more or less hiding out here, and I just really caution you that it's not a matter of trading in a crappy model for a better one. You have to face what happened in that relationship, the mistakes, and everything else, before moving on to the next model. Otherwise you're doomed to repeat the same damn cycle all over again.

Sorry if I'm getting preachy. I'm not telling anyone what to do. Y'all are grown ups and know your own situations. I just know I wish I could do a lot of things differently, and so I blather on in case anyone else here is in the same boat.

 

[HB1965]

When I was about 20. I reached a point where I couldn't stand myself anymore, and I knew something needed to be done. It was either kill myself or get help. Obviously I chose to get help

 

[bholderman]

I dont know everything going on in ym wife's head, but I think its very similar to this. Its almost insight. With this, how would you have wanted your husband to react in order to preserve the marriage? Take control, allow space for you, understand or be stubborn?

I've been in a rock bottom place for a while now, dealing as best I can. I suppose I have days where I'm there, and then days when I feel like, hey, I'm doing pretty well. I really don't lean much towards depression (thankfully), so when I drop, it's more about short bouts of anxiety and panic.

At some point, months and months ago (just before coming to Lit and the bdsm board), I was sort of unconsciously eager to escape my marriage. I was desperate for male attention, desperate for comfort. I'm still exploring why I got to that place, considering my marriage was in many ways, quite decent at the time. I think I had a lot of anger leftover from feeling let down by my husband during a difficult birth, and I wasn't feeling particularly supported emotionally by him, and we had hit a lull in the relationship.

First I let myself get swept away by some dude I met in a chat room, and then he disappeared. I was really reeling after that, and I landed here on the boards. Something about bdsm really struck me, and I started to read more about it, and I started emailing someone I met here.

I don't want to lay blame on him. He's not a bad guy at all. I just think I wanted to escape the problems of my daily reality, and my dissolving marriage, and so I plowed full speed ahead into this online relationship with a caring, older Dominant type - at times, a Daddy Dom.

The problem, *sometimes,* with an online relationship, is that until you spend time together in real life, your reality together is something of a heightened fantasy relationship. You present your best self. And so do they. And I was in a place where I wanted some sort of fairy taleish escape.

When the fantasy finally crumbled, I had to face the end of my marriage. And I'm still facing it. And the real rock bottom part for me is to face my own bit of hypocrisy. I have always sworn up and down that I will put my kid first, no matter what. Well, I didn't show up for my marriage. I lied to my husband. And though I loved my son throughout, and was a good mother, he will have to suffer the consequences of my actions. And if I really were so dedicated to family, I would have done better. And that has been the hardest thing to come to grips with. I was selfish. I didn't put family first.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my comments about the online stuff. It certainly isn't everyone, nor everyone relationship. But I do see people on here who are in unhappy marriages, and more or less hiding out here, and I just really caution you that it's not a matter of trading in a crappy model for a better one. You have to face what happened in that relationship, the mistakes, and everything else, before moving on to the next model. Otherwise you're doomed to repeat the same damn cycle all over again.

Sorry if I'm getting preachy. I'm not telling anyone what to do. Y'all are grown ups and know your own situations. I just know I wish I could do a lot of things differently, and so I blather on in case anyone else here is in the same boat.

 

[intothewoods]

I dont know everything going on in ym wife's head, but I think its very similar to this. Its almost insight. With this, how would you have wanted your husband to react in order to preserve the marriage? Take control, allow space for you, understand or be stubborn?

I wish first and foremost that my husband had been really open with me about his feelings. That's a tall order, considering I lied on a few occasions, but putting that aside, I wanted his attention. I wanted *him* - how does he feel about me, what does he want from a wife, etc. I wanted him to be engaged.

I also kind of bulldozed the few therapy sessions we did. I wish the therapist and/or my husband had called me on it. And held me to my word. I think had we had a therapist who called an emotional affair an affair, my husband would have felt more validated and we could have really given it another try.

I wanted my husband to fight for me. I didn't want to say, you let me down when you did x, y and z, and I need to know you're sorry! And then drag the "sorry" out of him. I wanted him to say to me, ya know what, I can't imagine how scary it was when you came home from the hospital, while our son was still there, and you couldn't even walk. I will never know or understand, and I'm sorry you felt alone.

I never got that. I want a man who can own that shit, and really dig deep. And that is tough for my husband. Not a problem when you fall in love and spend all your time going out to dinner like newlyweds. It *is* a problem when shit hits the fan in your life and suddenly, you need to rely on the other person.

 

[nh23]

I've been in a rock bottom place for a while now, dealing as best I can. I suppose I have days where I'm there, and then days when I feel like, hey, I'm doing pretty well. I really don't lean much towards depression (thankfully), so when I drop, it's more about short bouts of anxiety and panic.

At some point, months and months ago (just before coming to Lit and the bdsm board), I was sort of unconsciously eager to escape my marriage. I was desperate for male attention, desperate for comfort. I'm still exploring why I got to that place, considering my marriage was in many ways, quite decent at the time. I think I had a lot of anger leftover from feeling let down by my husband during a difficult birth, and I wasn't feeling particularly supported emotionally by him, and we had hit a lull in the relationship.

First I let myself get swept away by some dude I met in a chat room, and then he disappeared. I was really reeling after that, and I landed here on the boards. Something about bdsm really struck me, and I started to read more about it, and I started emailing someone I met here.

I don't want to lay blame on him. He's not a bad guy at all. I just think I wanted to escape the problems of my daily reality, and my dissolving marriage, and so I plowed full speed ahead into this online relationship with a caring, older Dominant type - at times, a Daddy Dom.

The problem, *sometimes,* with an online relationship, is that until you spend time together in real life, your reality together is something of a heightened fantasy relationship. You present your best self. And so do they. And I was in a place where I wanted some sort of fairy taleish escape.

When the fantasy finally crumbled, I had to face the end of my marriage. And I'm still facing it. And the real rock bottom part for me is to face my own bit of hypocrisy. I have always sworn up and down that I will put my kid first, no matter what. Well, I didn't show up for my marriage. I lied to my husband. And though I loved my son throughout, and was a good mother, he will have to suffer the consequences of my actions. And if I really were so dedicated to family, I would have done better. And that has been the hardest thing to come to grips with. I was selfish. I didn't put family first.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my comments about the online stuff. It certainly isn't everyone, nor everyone relationship. But I do see people on here who are in unhappy marriages, and more or less hiding out here, and I just really caution you that it's not a matter of trading in a crappy model for a better one. You have to face what happened in that relationship, the mistakes, and everything else, before moving on to the next model. Otherwise you're doomed to repeat the same damn cycle all over again.

Sorry if I'm getting preachy. I'm not telling anyone what to do. Y'all are grown ups and know your own situations. I just know I wish I could do a lot of things differently, and so I blather on in case anyone else here is in the same boat.

That was a very brave post. *Hugs*

 

[A Desert Rose]

So my story has been partially laid out in the morning thread. But it got me thinking.

Who here at some point in their life realized that they had broken.

Down completely. WIlling to share that story?

It's already been shared. I have an entire thread about it.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It's already been shared. I have an entire thread about it.

Ditto that. I'm happy to pm bholderman but I really don't want to drag it up on the forum again.

 

[FurryFury]

I've felt broken quite a few times. It turns out I wasn't truly broken though. I'm a survivor. I research, plan and make good things happen.

The two toughest times in my life were when number one, my daughter hated school and tried to refuse to go.

Number two, was when my Dad died.

Nothing I've been through and I've been through a hellva lot could compare to either of those things which don't compare to each other at all.

In each situation, I put my focus on, learning and helping someone else, that and just keeping my head above water.

Those things work for me. Honestly, if I didn't have someone else to focus on, I might just go down the drain because I've never placed that much value on ME personally. Fortunately, there is always someone in my life that seems to be able to benefit from my efforts. Most of the time they help me too.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Right now is pretty damn low but I'm not broken. However, I was broken as a teenager when I was hospitalized twice due to PTSD from childhood abuse. A lot of therapy and meds helped but growing up to be in control of my own life helped the most. I had to remove toxic people from my life and I finally had the power to do that a few years ago.

Now, I'm trying to keep my marriage together. I can ditto what ITW said about seeking out emotional support on the internet. I've had emotional affairs here at Lit. This has made me take a hard look at why I sought out that support outside of my marriage.

I also came out bisexual and kinky which almost ended my marriage (although the kink he is slowly starting to understand). I'm still struggling with the idea of never being able to express my bisexuality. Unfortunately, my husband refuses to enter into therapy with me. He agrees that he has issues too that negatively impact the relationship but he doesn't want to deal with it. So I may get therapy for myself again. I'm just afraid that divorce may be the only answer if he doesn't take his part in trying to repair the damage. Right now he seems to only see my shit and none of his shit.

I'm not broken though. Not anything like I was in the past.

Edit: Edited to step out my self absorption to give bholderman hugs.

 

[myinnerslut]

i almost broke. it was really close. but duct tape fixes anything.

 

[Recidiva]

It wasn't a one time thing. I have lived so close to and beyond the broken point that I'd pass over and back and over and back and over and back. I'm a very quick healer.

My experience with migraines busted me down to tortured nothingness so many times that I can't count. Catatonia, inability to form words, nervous breakdowns. All that.

Crazy isn't something I become and then never cross back. It's just waiting for me. It'll happen again.

I sympathize with Wolverine when his claws emerge and he regenerates.

"Doesn't that hurt?"
"Every time."

 

[wayfarm]

I don't know what is going on in your life, but it is with much regard that I wish you a better future.

God Speed.

WF

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Started on an epic to share Bholderman. This new notebook decided to shut down as I had postponed an update. Uncertain why. A few paragraphs & spell check short of submitting it. I'll return to it later, my apologies.

In the interim, I would just like to wish you courage & faith in what must be a most challenging and surreal time.

~ Rebecca

 

[Netzach]

Human condition.

Yeah, at various points. None have killed me yet, though sometimes they did claim others around me.

 

[Luvkitty33]

Yes, I've absolutely been in that place, and I don't even like to think about it because it scares the crap out of me.

Sending BIG hugs your way and hope that you'll feel better soon. I know this is a horrible time in your life, but hang on. As cliche as this sounds, things will get better.

 

[HottieMama]

21 yrs old...walked into my 19yo best friend's apartment on a Sunday afternoon after leaving her at 4AM in the morning. Found her on the floor in her living room, dead. She died of a drug overdose estimated at about 20 minutes after i left. She wanted one more fix before going to bed. Never tohught it would be her last one.

The grief, and the guilt...(she started getting high with me...) and the shame about my own behavior caused full-blown heroin addiction and a complete emotional breakdown.

Honestly, it took me about 2 years to feel "right" again and the whole thing still haunts me.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

There are 3 things that broke me...

there are 3 things that helped me...

(broken)

1) an attempted suicide after miscarrying my ex's child

2) the loss of my mother

3) personal trauma far in the past

(fixed)

Dante'
Jerrica
Karessa

when I don't believe I can give anymore, when I don't think I can stand another day of hell, when I am so ready to give up (and I have been)..I look at them, my babies..and struggle through another day...

 

[rida]

......

When the fantasy finally crumbled, I had to face the end of my marriage. And I'm still facing it. And the real rock bottom part for me is to face my own bit of hypocrisy. I have always sworn up and down that I will put my kid first, no matter what. Well, I didn't show up for my marriage. I lied to my husband. And though I loved my son throughout, and was a good mother, he will have to suffer the consequences of my actions. And if I really were so dedicated to family, I would have done better. And that has been the hardest thing to come to grips with. I was selfish. I didn't put family first.

.........

Please don't beat yourself up on it.
Yes it is hard for a child when the parents divorce, but I can tell you from experience that it can be harder when the don't and stay together for your sake. Emotional anger gets channeled on you and you get thrown in the middle. But I do not hate my parents... they did the best they knew how. And that is what matters.

You too did the best with what you had and were going through.

((hugs)) and sorry for intruding ..... but every time I hear the "stay together for the sake of the children" line, the kid/teenager I was just cannot shut up.

P.S. to bholderman ... sorry for the intrusion ... you are going through a very rough time ... but as everybody is telling you ... you are a very good person ... and you will be an ever better one after the turmoil settle and the pieces are back together ...((hugs))

 

[intothewoods]

Please don't beat yourself up on it.
Yes it is hard for a child when the parents divorce, but I can tell you from experience that it can be harder when the don't and stay together for your sake. Emotional anger gets channeled on you and you get thrown in the middle. But I do not hate my parents... they did the best they knew how. And that is what matters.

You too did the best with what you had and were going through.

((hugs)) and sorry for intruding ..... but every time I hear the "stay together for the sake of the children" line, the kid/teenager I was just cannot shut up.

P.S. to bholderman ... sorry for the intrusion ... you are going through a very rough time ... but as everybody is telling you ... you are a very good person ... and you will be an ever better one after the turmoil settle and the pieces are back together ...((hugs))

Thank you, and I understand. And that's why I accept the separation now. At sme point, the tension did start to affect our child. But there was a point when we could have saved it, and not solely for the kid's sake, but my kid would have the benefit of having his parents together. That's what I regret, and mourn.

 

[EmpressFi]

I broke the first time when my father died. I was 12 and he died at home after being ill for many years.

The second time, more true.. "breakdown".. was when my mother died. She died suddenly, a few hours after I'd spoken to her. My cousin called, said, "Your mom died." I screamed and slid down the wall and didnt speak for days. My ex-husband stepped up and called my work, our church, and then, because I couldnt, he called my brother to tell him. I only snapped out of it when I arrived in my hometown and realized my brothers (who were 12,14, and 20 years older than I was) were depending on me to step in and take over and take care of everything.

The last serious one, was when I found out that Malin and I couldnt have children. I spent the first few days, recovering from the surgery that had discovered the problem, in tears. I begged him to leave me... to find someone who wasnt "broken", someone who could give him babies... obviously, he didnt listen to me.

I still have times where each of these things bother me... it's only natural... and I hate depending on others to take care of me... in my mind.. it's my job to take care of them... I also think that sometimes, it's almost healthy to allow myself to wallow in it, to let myself feel the pain and despair... to own those feelings. The difficulty is, knowing when to say.. ok.. I've wallowed enough..and reach out my hand for help in pulling myself out of it...

BH... I'm sorry you're going through a down time... I hope you find what you need to help you through this.. and while we cant physically reach out and support you, never forget.. we're here to do that

 

[rida]

Thank you, and I understand. And that's why I accept the separation now. At sme point, the tension did start to affect our child. But there was a point when we could have saved it, and not solely for the kid's sake, but my kid would have the benefit of having his parents together. That's what I regret, and mourn.

(( HUGS ))

life is a learning journey ... too bad a lot of lessons are really painful ...

 

[Qpet05]

I have come close a few times and reached that point once for sure where I basically slept a couple of years of my life away in depression. The alarm clock was my best friend so I knew I would be awake to get my children to school and home again, fed, bathed...the rest of the time I was asleep and beyond caring. I eventually pulled myself out of it, started planning my future, then made positive steps toward making that future a reality. I never ever want to go back there again.

Catalina

That sound like me!! i was so far down that even up looked wrong.. i swear if i hadn't had 2 preschoolers at the time i would've just sunk away to nothingness.

i started to pull myself out and found what i was missing in my life. i needed a Master and luckily for me i found Master and since then my life has done a complete 180*. He taught me that i AM somebody, i do have opinions, dreams, desires and they are all valid and right (at least for me).