The Black Sheep

[Adam_Hicks]

First off, a big thank you to those of you who sent me the anonymous emails. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know how much you enjoyed my story.

Despite recieving said feedback I have yet to recieve any critisism, be it constructive or otherwise.
This would be great, if it weren't for the fact that the voting score doesn't quite reflect the thoughts of those who got in contact with me. I am very pleased with the score (currently around the 4.30 mark), but its not a 5 - therefore it would seem that the story is far from perfect and I'd like to know why.

So, I guess I'm asking for you lot to read the story and let me know what you don't like about it (I'm a glutton for punnishment). After all, I can't improve until I know what I'm doing wrong.

The Black Sheep is an incest drama about a girl who falls in love with her own brother amongst a whirlwind of family depravity. The problem is, the brother isn't interested in 'family love' and in attempting to convert him she comes close to loosing him.

Thanks in advance

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310744&page=1

 

[drksideofthemoon]

First off, a big thank you to those of you who sent me the anonymous emails. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know how much you enjoyed my story.

Despite recieving said feedback I have yet to recieve any critisism, be it constructive or otherwise.
This would be great, if it weren't for the fact that the voting score doesn't quite reflect the thoughts of those who got in contact with me. I am very pleased with the score (currently around the 4.30 mark), but its not a 5 - therefore it would seem that the story is far from perfect and I'd like to know why.

So, I guess I'm asking for you lot to read the story and let me know what you don't like about it (I'm a glutton for punnishment). After all, I can't improve until I know what I'm doing wrong.

The Black Sheep is an incest drama about a girl who falls in love with her own brother amongst a whirlwind of family depravity. The problem is, the brother isn't interested in 'family love' and in attempting to convert him she comes close to loosing him.

Thanks in advance

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=310744&page=1

Quite honestly, it's boring, it just seems to ramble on. It could have used a good editor to fix a lot of the mistakes. I love dialog, I truly do, but a lot of yours seemed to have no point, it was meaningless babbling. It's a 20,000 word story that could have easily been told in 5000 words.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well... Where do I start? Even the first two paragraphs of the Author's Note are...umm...

About a month ago my fiancée came to me with a guilt ridden look in her eye. Apparently she just couldn't marry me without first laying herself bare.

The following account is a true story as she told it to me. The names have been changed to protect identities, but the events and characters are as factual as I could get without actually being there.

This should all be one paragraph, not two. Do you know the difference between an autobiographical story and a sea story? The sea story starts out, "This is totally true..." Enough said.

Why did you make chapters that are like 20 paragraphs long? You've used the "chapter" to break in time. This is not what a chapter is for.

First two paragraphs in "chapter 1"

stepped off the train and was shocked to find my older brother Robert standing on the platform with a bandage across his nose and two big, black eyes.

I practically leapt into my brother's arms. "Oh baby, what happened to you?"

Again this should all be one chapter.

By the time you reach "chapter 2" the story is already boring. Then to finish the job you launch into Jessica - 5-2, 20 years old, Green Eyes...etc. Why? Were you trying to make me back click?

To finish me off, the entire "chapter 2" is You telling the story. No action, no dialogue, no character development. Just a long boring recitation of the story.

By the middle of "chapter 3" I has completely lost the sense of what this story is about - and I didn't even care. <Yawn>

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Adam, and welcome.

drk and Jenny have given you good literary criticism. I would just like to add a comment on Incest on Lit.

Don't ever make it real. From your author's note down to the final death, you mix fantasy incest between consenting adults with a darker, more scary world.

Incest on Lit never gets beyond the fantasy level - for good reason. As soon as you begin to write about the psychology and problems of incest, it ceases to be a lit story - but perhaps becomes a world-acclaimed novel.

However much I love Lit, it is not a place to launch edgy fiction. The readers don't appreciate it. Try a few of the toplist to see what goes down well.

BTW, I enjoyed your writing but just thought you were caught between giving us a cheap thrill and something much more profound (and worth pursuing).

 

[Adam_Hicks]

BTW, I enjoyed your writing but just thought you were caught between giving us a cheap thrill and something much more profound

I think I'll have to agree with you there. Maybe this isn't the right place for this particular story.

Thanks for all your criticisms people. Believe it or not, it helps quite a bit.

 

[Chimney Sweep]

Definitely too wordy. I have that problem sometimes as well, and here's how I (try to) beat it.

The context of the sex is often what makes it sexy. A BJ is just a BJ unless there is something special about it, so we use the story as a setup and explanation, to set the stage for why the sex is special. You've GOT to keep that setup in check. I've got a dozen stories stalled because I can't figure out how to trim the setup and I KNOW I'l llose 90% of my readers when they see that there is no sex by the bottom of page 1.

Dialogue is great, but only if it advances the point of your story. We don't to read all the small talk. If it's sexual innuendo that advances the sexual part of the story, fabulous; run with it.

A trick I am trying (haven't published any yet) is to have a prelude sex act, a teaser, an appetiser, early in the story. That kind of thing MIGHT buy some extra setup /story time.

Learn to edit yourself. It's hard to do, but if you can divorece yourself from your story and come at it "fresh" you'll learn a lot about yourself. And outsiede editors are invaluable as well.