destinie21
Daddy's Brat
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 3,612
The Bitch ch 08
- Thread starter destinie21
- Start date
aliaspeterj
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2005
- Posts
- 4
A very off the cuff response
Destinie,
I don't have any story feedback for you --in part because the subject matter isn't my usual and in part because I didn't feel like reading the first seven parts of the story. A thought about craft and style though...
If you intend readers to be able to jump into this story on chapter 8, it would be helpful for the beginning of the story to have more physical description that would help the reader -- or at least me -- get oriented as to what is going on in the story.
Hmm ... also a few too many I's in the beginning.
Lastly -- and this may be my poersonal preference -- it might help to have the dialogue vary in length.
In the following section it seems to me that trhe dialogue is a bit brief. I'd like to see Courtney or Corrin having some two or three sentence responses.
-------
"You were supposed to be calling me, you bitch." Courtney said as soon as I answered the phone.
"Hello to you too "I said laughing.
"What's good?"
"Nothing, I was about to lay down, why?"
"Girl it's only like 8:30 what are you 70?"
-------
Hope this feedback has been if not helpful at least thought provoking.
Peter J
Destinie,
I don't have any story feedback for you --in part because the subject matter isn't my usual and in part because I didn't feel like reading the first seven parts of the story. A thought about craft and style though...
If you intend readers to be able to jump into this story on chapter 8, it would be helpful for the beginning of the story to have more physical description that would help the reader -- or at least me -- get oriented as to what is going on in the story.
Hmm ... also a few too many I's in the beginning.
Lastly -- and this may be my poersonal preference -- it might help to have the dialogue vary in length.
In the following section it seems to me that trhe dialogue is a bit brief. I'd like to see Courtney or Corrin having some two or three sentence responses.
-------
"You were supposed to be calling me, you bitch." Courtney said as soon as I answered the phone.
"Hello to you too "I said laughing.
"What's good?"
"Nothing, I was about to lay down, why?"
"Girl it's only like 8:30 what are you 70?"
-------
Hope this feedback has been if not helpful at least thought provoking.
Peter J
ffreak
old man
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2003
- Posts
- 1,262
Your writing just keeps getting better and better. Corrin has grown too, since the first chapter, and that is more good writing; it keeps us interested in her and anticipating the next chapter.
Oh, speaking of anticipation, expect that public outcry. You may have to revive the story, or at least the character, or expect to break the hearts of many readers.
Oh, speaking of anticipation, expect that public outcry. You may have to revive the story, or at least the character, or expect to break the hearts of many readers.
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