The Best medicine

[_Land]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
>>an animated conversation.
>>
>>The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
>>attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
>>following:
>>
>> "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
>>once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
>>pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>>
>>"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
>>indignantly. "In this............
>>
>>"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
>>a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

[Senna Jawa]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this............

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Naeh. He was talking about a strange hand of bridge. Perhaps those players were drunk.

 

[_Land]

Re: Re: The Best medicine

Naeh. He was talking about a strange hand of bridge. Perhaps those players were drunk.

LOL

 

[_Land]

Heres Your Sign

> > >What's Your Southern Sign?
> > >
> > >OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
> > >
> > >Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick
> > >on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An
> > >older Okra can look back over his life and see the
> > >seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon
> > >Pies.
> > >
> > >CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
> > >
> > >Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin,
> > >however, can make something of himself if he's
> > >motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with
> > >Chitlins, be careful! They can erupt like Mount
> > >Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
> > >
> > >BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
> > >
> > >You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied
> > >with the surface of things, and you feel the need to
> > >bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to
> > >say, you are very intense and driven as if you had
> > >some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going
> > >to marry you, so don't worry about it.
> > >
> > >MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20)
> > >
> > >You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front
> > >porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical
> > >appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key
> > >words here. You should marry anybody who you can get
> > >remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be
> > >easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics.
> > >Maybe not.
> > >
> > >POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21)
> > >
> > >When confronted with life's difficulties, 'possums
> > >have a marked Tendency to withdraw and develop a
> > >don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you
> > >become so withdrawn, people actually think you're
> > >dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically
> > >healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however,
> > >it won't work and you may find your problems actually
> > >running you over.
> > >
> > >CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
> > >
> > >Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office,
> > >you're always hanging around the water cooler.
> > >Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool
> > >to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.
> > >You tend to be not particularly attractive physically,
> > >but you have very, very good heads.
> > >
> > >
> > >COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
> > >
> > >Collards have a genius for communication. They love to
> > >get in the "melting pot" of life and share their
> > >essence with the essence of those around them.
> > >Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and
> > >baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes,
> > >if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just
> > >won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
> > >
> > >
> > >CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
> > >
> > >Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart,
> > >although one whiskers may cause problems for loved
> > >ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand.
> > >You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
> > >life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from
> > >Moon Pies.
> > >
> > >
> > >GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
> > >
> > >Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
> > >You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other
> > >Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should
> > >think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
> > >Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter
> > >or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all
> > >these things, that serves you well.
> > >
> > >BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
> > >
> > >You have a passionate desire to help your fellow
> > >man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your
> > >friends and loved ones- may find that your
> > >personality is much too salty, and their criticism
> > >will probably affect you deeply because you are really
> > >much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead
> > >and marry anybody you want to because in a certain
> > >way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you
> > >can be sure that people will always pull over and stop
> > >for you.
> > >
> > >BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22)
> > >
> > >Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get
> > >along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean,
> > >should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and
> > >you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can
> > >sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have
> > >anything to do with Moon Pies.
> > >
> > >ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
> > >
> > >You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but
> > >you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?
> > >Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and
> > >insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned
> > >with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned
> > >with anything about today. You're really almost
> > >prehistoric in your interests and Behavior patterns.
> > >You probably want to marry another Armadillo,
> > >but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility

 

[beths-virtue]

i am a boiled peanut????
ok, ok... but land HEGHEHE!!, youre nothing but a speed bump armadillo.....

 

[beths-virtue]

i am absoultely terrible at telling jokes , through typing, so, in stead, literary slut that i am , i am just mailing al ink, to a great news story.....



http://www.theonion.com/onion3831/penis-shaped_pool.html



yes, i read the onion, come on folks, born in wis, cut me some slack, weird humor cows and the largest pagan population, per capita of any state, tell me were conservative!

 

[_Land]

i am a boiled peanut????
ok, ok... but land HEGHEHE!!, youre nothing but a speed bump armadillo.....

well an armadillo always has a hard on, well im not going to finish this statement ..................................

 

[_Land]

well an armadillo always has a hard on, well im not going to finish this statement ..................................

And what my dear is worng with speedy bumps, i thought everyone like it a little faster then slow

 

[beths-virtue]

tee heee....

Adam and Eve

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."

 

[beths-virtue]

a whale of a tale

Male Whale
One day, a pod of whales was swimming along when a whaling vessel came along and captured the teeniest baby whale of them all. Angered, the dominant male whale got beneath the boat and began blowing through his blowhole until the boat capsized, throwing the sailors overboard. At this point, the other whales starting chanting.
"Eat them! Eat them!"
But this is where the male whale drew the line -- he'd blow sailors, but he wouldn't swallow seamen.

 

[_Land]

Johnny's dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny scrubbing
his dick with a toothbrush.

His dad says what the hell are you doing!

Johnny says "there's no way I'm getting a cavity like my sister"

 

[Rybka]

Starch

An old man and his grandson are enjoying the sunshine in the back yard. The
boy spots a worm sticking its nose out of the ground and he pulls it out. His
grandfather is annoyed at him and says: "You shouldn't have done that. Now
that worm is exposed and will die or be eaten by a bird." The kid is crestfallen
and so the grandfather tells him that he'll give him a dollar if he can figure out
a way to get the worm back into the ground. The kid thinks for a minute and
runs off to the house. He returns carrying a can of spray-starch. He holds up
the worm and sprays it with the starch, then shoves the worm back into its
hole and collects his dollar.

The next morning the boy is playing out in the yard. His grandfather comes up
to him and hands him another ten dollars and says:
"That's from your grandmother."

Rygards, Rybka

 

[Rybka]

Married men humor

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

5. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Laurel, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Laurel replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. ><)))°<

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

 

[Rybka]

Vaseline

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck.

One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," says the seller, "its pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, yo can have it." And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). Who isn't!?!?

That night, he decided to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parent's house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's hand, "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Hundreds of dirty dishes piled up along the stairs, dirty dishes everywhere. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.

Still, no one says a word. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom, who was quite attractive, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window, and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts, "All right, all right! , I'll do the damn dishes."



Regards, Rybka

 

[Rybka]

To men everywhere from women who's had enough

Who understands men?

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy an NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW .... they think women are hard to understand!

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!


Regards, Rybka

 

[beths-virtue]

Re: To men everywhere from women who's had enough

Who understands men?



Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!


Regards, Rybka

ohhh rybka, thanks for the smile,si havent seen that quote in a while.. a dime to anyone who knows who its from besides me that is

 

[beths-virtue]

Women's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

 

[Rybka]

Men Peeing

(The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Wicked Eve,
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so
you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and, without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her...look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep
putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are not insensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!


Regards, Rybka

 

[beths-virtue]

home shopping ?

any one wanna buy a house?

 

[beths-virtue]

Re: home shopping ?

any one wanna buy a house?

whoops , forgot the pic

 

[Rybka]

How to have a happy wife

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took retirement a year ago, it became necessary for My wife to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, My wife used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. My wife is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support My wife on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.


Regards, Rybka

 

[beths-virtue]

Re: Men Peeing

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are not insensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!


Regards, Rybka

oh, this whole thing, is , just too much!
thanks again rybka...

 

[Rybka]

For our European friends

European communications

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" wiz z" and "w" viz v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.


Regardz, Rebka

 

[_Land]

GOODNESS GRACIOUS


you ask me if im a surgeon, but your the one that has me in stitches Regards_Land

 

[Rybka]

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to attend the Halloween ball but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden,
her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella
with everything she needs to go to the ball. As usual there are
two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's
the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later
and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes and Cinderella does not show up. Finally, at 5
a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power!. What was his
name?"

"I can't remember exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other..."


Regards, Rybka