The 3 funniest Lenny Bruce lines...

[SINthysist]

Everyone knows some by Chris Rock, George Carlin, Cosby, Bobcat, the Stooges, Dangerfield, Groucho, even Henny Youngman.

But I'm at a loss to even come up with one...





Nasty, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, liberal goat-wanker is the conclusion I reach about him. Takes a certain type to worship that.





Now the next time someone slams you about your thread type, topic of conversation, I.Q., point of view, etc., look for the avatar. It explains a lot! That person needs to make you feel bad in order to feel superior. Sort of the village idiot running around screaming "I'm more clever than you are..."

 

[TWB]

Of course he died almost 40 years ago, so you may be dating yourself.

Here are some quotes, I am not saying I like em or don't. Whatever you say about him, he expanded the envelope of free speech. He was far from politically correct.


______



LENNY BRUCE

"I sort of felt sorry for the damn flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper."

"The difference between Jewish and gentile girls is that a gentile girl won't 'touch it once', whereas a Jewish girl will kiss you and let you touch it--your own that is."

"Liberals will buy anything a bigot writes. In fact, they really SUPPORT hatemongers. George Linciln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party is probably a very knowledgeable businessman with no political convictions what so ever. He gets three bucks a head and works the mass rallies consisting of nothing but angry Jews, shaking their fists and wondering why there are so many Jews there. And Rockwell probably has only two real followers--and they're deaf. They think the swastika is merely an Aztec symbol."

"I dedicate this book to all the followers of Christ's teachings--particularly a true Christian--Jimmy Hoffa--for he hired ex-convicts as, I assume, Christ would have."

"(My friend) Carmelo's father had a barbershop with one chair and a poster in the window showing four styles of haircuts, and guaranteeing you surefire results in securing employment if you follow the tips on grooming: "The First Things an Employer Looks at Are Hair, Nails, and Shoes." An atomic-energy department head who looks at these qualifications in a job applicant would probably be a faggot."

"(My friend) Carmelo's mother was the manicurist and town whore. The symbols of my childhood are gone--what a shame!--the country doctor, the town whore, village idiot, the drunken family from the wrong side of the tracks have been replaced with the communist, the junkie, the faggot, and the beatnik."

At this point in time Bruce ran away and got a job as a farm hand for the Denglers....
"Once a week a big LaSalle would drive all the way out from the city to get farm-fresh eggs. The chauffer was a little wizened old Englishman and the owner was a woman who looked like Mary Astor. She was a very grand-type lady, about 35. She said the farm was quaint and remarked how fortunate I was that not cursed with the pressures of the city. She began to bring methings--sweaters, shoes, even a tennis racket. I fed her charitable id: "Oh gosh a real sweater, I always wanted one with no patches!".... One day she forgot all about the eggs and insisted on buying me ajacket....I told her I couldn't leave the stand. She told the chauffer to get out and take over and that she would drive.
On the way back she pulled into a shaded area and stopped. We talked for a long time....She intimated that she ould like to adopt me. She asked if I had ever been naughty with any girls. ....I had often thought about being "naughty" with girls but I never seemed to arrange to be in the right place at the right time....She told me to look in the glove compartment for a surprise. Inside I found a sheath knife and a flashlight. There was also a packet of pictures and she asked me if I wanted her to show them to me. ...The nudity and the absurdity of the contortions amused me and I began to laugh....
She forgave me, then delivered a lecture on how some women can give you a terrible disease. She asked me if I knew what the symptoms of these diseases were. I confessed my ignorance and she grew alarmed."Why you could have one of those diseases right this minute and not even know it!!" And with a very clinical attitude she unbuttoned my pants. A few years later in boot camp, when we got our first lecture on venereal disease, I was disappointed. It lacked the same personal touch."

In 1942 Bruce volunteered for the Navy. After the war Lenny wanted out, so he had a tailor make him a WAVES uniform so he could get a Section * and go home.
"four naval psychiatrists worked me over at Newport Naval Hospital: 1ST officer:"Lenny have you ever actively engaged in any homosexual practice?" Lenny:No sir."
An active homosexual is the one who does the doing, and the passive is the one who just lies back. If you were a kid and you were hitchhiking and some faggot came on with you and you let him do whatever his do was, he was an active homosexual, and you are a passive homosexual. You'll never see this in an AAA manuel, but there it is.. 2ND officero you enjoy the company of women?" Lenny:"Yes sir." 3RD officer:"Do you enjoy intercourse with women?" Lenny:"Yes sir." 4TH officer:"Do you enjoy wearing women's clothing?" Lenny:"Sometimes." All four:When is that?" Lenny:"When they fit." They finally gave up and drew up an undesirable discharge.

"I never met a dyke I didn't like."
"There's nothing sadder than an old hipster."

I don't know about you but I enjoy the way our tax money is being spent to arrest, indict, convict, imprison, parole, and re-imprison these people (marijuana smokers). I'd just piss away on beer any way." "When I got divorced a couple of major magazines asked me, five years later, the dumb question:"What happened to your marriage?" "What happened to my marriage? It was broken up by my mother-in-law." And the reporter laughed:"Mother-in-law ha ha ha. what happened?" "My wife came home from work early and she found us in bed together." "In bed--that's perverse!" "Why? It was her mother not mine."

"Would you come to my hotel? And every clean comedian has given hotel such a dirty connotation that I wouldn't ask my grandmother to a hotel....Christ, where can you live that is clean? You can't say hotel to a chick, so you have to think, what won't offend? What is a clean word to society? TRAILOR. That's it trailor. "Will you come to my trailor?" "All right, there's nothing dirty about trailors. Trailors are hunting and fishing and cigarettes. Yes I'll coem to your trailor. Where is it?" "In my hotel room." "Why can't you say I want to be with you, hug you and kiss you." No its Come up while I change my shirt or Let's have a cup of coffee....In fifty years coffee will be another dirty word...

"You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth..."

"Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves."
"I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations--and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot."
"They beat the crap outta me but I proved I was a man. They kept beating me but I didn't give them no names."
"What names schmuck, you were arrested for exposing yourself."

I've figured out a way you'll score every time: "Look I'd like very much to go out with you but there can be no sex between us. You see I don't do it. I'm celebate. But we will go out and have a good time, I just thought I'd tell you up front because the last dates I was on they got mad and said I had ruined it for them.
And sure enough on the ride there:
"Why don't you do it with anybody?"
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"Oh come on you can tell *ME*."
"OK it's the way I'm built, you see I'm abnormally large."
"Really."
"yes its a disgrace."
"You mean you never do it?"
"Not since 19--"
"Gee what happened?"
"She's in the hospital."
"Don't you ever go visit?"
"No her brother would kill me. I can't even wear shorts in public."
"Can I see it?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"It's locked up."
"Locked up?"
"yeah locked up. My dad has one key the mayor has the other."

DA:"Could Lenny Bruce be a psychological drug addict?" "Are you thinking about it now Lenny?" "Yeah I'm thinking about jerking off and taking dope." (Lenny was in court, again)

"The word's suppression gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness."

 

[TWB]

To hear with Realplayer

Lenny Bruce Audio

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

The ENTIRE thankyou masked man skit!

OMG, does anyone have a clip of that?

Whatcha gonna do with that horse?

It's for the act!

Blah!!!


Thanks for the laugh, my co-workers have confirmation that I'm insane!!

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Now the next time someone slams you about your thread type, topic of conversation, I.Q., point of view, etc., look for the avatar.

"I haven't even said 'cocksucker' yet."
Lenny Bruce

 

[sunstruck]

So what does my AV say? If I were to tell someone to quit whinning would that make it a demand for truth and justice?

Cuz I could love that kind of power.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

LOL

Why do the ineffectual dopes of the world keep using me to get the attention for themselves they could never get?

SYN tried very, very hard to become some kind of wacky morning DJ here at Literotica. He wanted audience badly. He did something he called "The Andra Jenny Show" where he'd, I don't know, rant or something on the issues of the day, thinking he would get some kind of gonzo following. Didn't happen.

He tried the weirdo Markov Cain thing ("Markov Cain" -- get it? Yuk Yuk.), and no one paid any attention. He tried A.J., and A Jacks, and a couple of other names, and never could build up the following he felt his "character" deserved.

Then he tried the whole "Literotica is a bad place with bad people and I'm telling the FBI and I have credentials and can do karate" thing, which was laughable as hell.

He maliciously tried fucking up the board by bumping ancient threads over and over again, but we all beat him by bumping the current threads right back.

He can't win, and it pisses him off.

And he's tried hard, oh so Gosh-Darned hard, to get a campaign going against me and a few other members. "Let's get DCL, guys! Woo-hoo! Follow me..!" And everyone shrugs and his bandwagon stands empty. It's a bit like listening to a telemarketer try to sell you snow shoes when you live in Arizona. It's sad, really sad.

And so his threads sink. The only threads of his that don't sink are the ones that mention me or PC or someone else who's bitch slapped him so hard his teeth pick up radio signals. He needs us to get his threads to page two.

Everytime these tweetle-beetles use Laurel or PC or KM or me for attention, they end getting attention alright -- for Laurel of PC or KM or me.

Thanks AJ!

 

[sunstruck]

It must be hard being an icon.

So does this work for everyone? Could I say, invoke the name of Laurel and grant monitor powers to KM? She had some excellent ideas.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Does "icon" mean "been here too fucking long"? Cause me and Bob Peale should start a club.

SYN lost an argument to me a year or so ago, and that's what set him off. But since then he's gone out of his way to pick at the more visible members, hoping to gain fame and gather, what, a Band of Merry Men, or something. He thinks he's Castro. But with "credentials".

 

[Bob Peale]

Icon? Cool!

Does that mean that the Backstreet Boys will do a rendition of our stories? Or Maybe Macy Gray?

 

[sunstruck]

Shakira will shake her booty for you.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Maybe we could get a steam room, with Literotica Towels? An exclusive club only for those members who were here before there was a Bulletin Board.

Unless it's just you and me, then I say we open it up a bit to let in the broads.

 

[Bob Peale]

Yeah..if we start hanging out in a steam room together alone, people will talk...

Sun, I don't know if we can afford Shakira, but would you come in and shake your booty? We have towels...

 

[sunstruck]

Well hell if I get a towel! Only if you sing Brick House though.

 

[Bob Peale]

You show, I'll sing.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Before Avatars.
Before Chat.
Before Pics.
Before Categories.
Before Newsletters.
Before Literotica E-Mail.

Before the Bulletin Board Forums.

What the fuck did we do here? I can't even remember.

Wait. I remember now. We actually read the stories, and then e-mailed our responses to Laurel, who then e-mailed them to the authors. Geez.

We've seen it all, Bob. What the hell do we do now? Play golf?

 

[Bob Peale]

Golf is good. I like golf!

Back then there was only one Top List, and there was only one category: Sex.

Some stories you liked, some you didn't, but you had to wade through.

Kind of cool...

 

[sunstruck]

Why am I getting the same feeling I do when I drive through Hyannis with Grans?

"You know Sunshine, none of this used to be here. Oh no! If you wanted decent clothes or furniture, you had to take the ferry over to Boston. Oh the fun we had on the fall hayrides through the woods........."

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

"And over there, that's where Manu invented e-mail. Before that we all had to use something called a 'telephone', which didn't even let you send attachments. Imagine!"

 

[Purple Haze]

I understand Manu has almost got the teleportation thing ready,

You can get sucked through the phone lines at an alarming speed,

Ducking the spam will be a challenge though.

I've got my tub filled with grape Jello.......I'm ready!

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Grape jelly? Must EVERYTHING be purple with you? Can't try Raspberry ONCE in your life?