The 12 Days of Christmas

[LadyG]

December 14, 1985

Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised darling!

With deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 1985

Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are truly adorable!

With all my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 1985

Dearest John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 1985

Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic dear.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 1985

Dearest darling John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for every finger! You're just impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 1985

Dear John,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 1985

John,
What the hell is with you and those fucking birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There's bird shit everywhere! The little bastards never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny you weirdo.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 1985

O.K. Buster,
The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their damn cows!! There is shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house!! Just lay off me smartass, or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 1985

Hey Shithead,
What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there's nine pipers playing! Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a petition against me.

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 1985

You rotten prick!!!
Now there's ten ladies dancing! But they're not ladies! These broads are having an orgy with the pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea! My living room is a river of shit, and the building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause for having all these animals. I'm calling the police on you creep!

One who means it!

December 24, 1985

Listen fuckhead!
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies!?!?! Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have been sodomizing the cows. At least the birds are quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 1985

Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin
30 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total.

If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Merry Christmas smartass!! (snicker snicker)

Cordially,
Badger, Binder, and Irwin

 

[LadyG]

Twas the Night Before Christmas - Ebonics

Wuz da nite befo Crimmus
An’ all ower de hood;
Ereybody wuz’ sleepin’;
Dey wuz sleepin’ good.

We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de’ heck
Dat ol’ Sanna Claws
Be bringin’ ar check.

All o’ de fambly
Wuz layin in de beds,
Whilst Ripple and Thunderbird
Dance tru’ dey heads.

I passed out inna’ flo
Right nex to my Maw;
When I herd sech a fuss,
I thunk, “It mus be da Law!”

I looked out thru da bars
What covered my do’,
’Spectin da sheriff
Wif a warrent fo’ sho.

And what did I see,
I said, “Lawd, look at dat!”
They was a huge watta’ melon,
Pulled by giant warf rats!

Now ober all de years
Sanna Claws, he be white;
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a po’lees car,
My homeboy he came;
He wupped on dem warf rats,
An’ called dem by name!

“On Leroy, on ’Lonzo,
And on Willie Lee,
On Sapphire, on Chenequa,”
Dey wuz a site to see!

As he landed dat watta’mellon
Out der in da skreet,
I knowed it was fo’ sho’
Da damdest site I ebber did see.

He didn’t go down no chimbley,
He picked da’ lock on my do’;
An’ I sez to mysef,
“Shit! He done dis befo’!”

He had dis big bag,
Full of presents I ’spect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun’ my neck.

But he left no good prezents,
Jus’ started steelin’ my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar’s kit!

Wit my stuff in da bag,
Out da winda he flewed;
I woudda’ tried to catched him,
But he stoled my ’nife too!

He jumped on dat wadda’mellon,
An’ wipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon’,
Dat son of a bitch!

Next year I be hopin’
Anutha Sanna we git,
’Cuz diz here Sanna Claws
Jus’ ain’t werf a shit!

 

[LadyG]

Politically Correct

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth"

 

[gypsywitch]

On the first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight,

So I chopped the pear tree down, and burned it just for spite,

And with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge,

that my true love gave to me...