That Went Well...

[Emmalee]

I recently just finished and posted my first story on Lit. *Whee!* It's called "A Wife and A Mother", located in the Romance section. It's not autobiographical at all, just inspired by a friend who was going through this with his wife. Most people seem to be enjoying it, judging by the ratings (although I'm not sure how much stock to put in those). So far the feedback via e-mail has been ... interesting, to say the least.

I was hoping for something more constructive from an author's point of view than "I would really like a story in which *this* happens." So I thought I'd come here and give this a try. Any and all feedback would be appreciated; I know there have to be things I can work on and improve. After all, beginner's luck only goes so far.

The Story - Fire At Will

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Nicely done, especially for a first effort. A very realistic setting for a story, and with realistic characters.

It's a short story, not much more than a scene, so there's not really a plot to comment on. The characters didn't really stand out, but again, that is due more to the length, and not the quality of your writing. That being said, I did feel the emotions between them.

In the end I wanted more. I don't think it was beginner's luck, I think you have talent. I hope to see more from you.

Good luck!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Like Drk said, your character development is pretty thin. I was not really able to identify or empathize with them. And, no, this is not really a story but a snippet.

A story is like a journey. You gather your spouse and kids, battle them into the car, venture across the desert, into the mountains and finally reach a destination. Along the way, you have some adventures that lead you toward the conclusion. This is a single adventure.

That said, I like your writing style. It's readable and clean. You should progress pretty well as a writer. Keep it up.

JJ

 

[_Lynn_]

I agree that it's a scene more than a story due to length. You don't have enough time for a plot in it this way or for your characters to develop. They don't have anything except this one small block of time in an evening.

You do convey the emotion between them in the short setting you have.

Build from here. Give us more. Good start!

ML

 

[Varian P]

I thought your story sweet, and a good first effort. Clearly you're facile with language, and I appreciate that you story, while very short and focused, dealt with a transition, and with a real relationship hurdle.

There are a couple substantive things I feel are lacking, leaving the story less compelling than it might have been. First, while you do a nice job making the situation (Matt's absence, stress and fatigue, and the related distance in his relationship with his wife), you don't do as much to flesh out the characters. All I know about them is that they're new parents who haven't had sex in three-plus months, and that he's stressing about fatherhood and work thinks his wife is hot. But I never see real personality from them. So when the sex starts, it's a little bit like watching cardboard cutouts do it.

Second, although we get a sense of the distance that's come between them since the birth of the baby, and that makes the sexual reunion somewhat poignant, within the confines of the story there's no sexual tension. No sooner does he resolve to pay more attention to his wife than he discovers her naked, waiting to seduce him, and a moment later they're going for it. If you make us want them to have sex (which you did), then make us wait and get over a hurdle or two, e.g. her mother is there and won't leave (which you didn't), we'll be a lot more wound up and eager for the sex to start.

Now for a couple minor things I noticed:

He shuffled to his car in the mostly empty parking lot...He sat motionless for a few minutes indulging in a brief fantasy of curling up in the car and taking a nap right there in the grungy parking garage...

The shift from parking lot to parking garage was a tad disorienting--though functionally similar, they are very different visuals.

A rapping on the window quickly brought his out of his reverie

should be "brought him out..."

She reached down to grasp the base of his erection between her first and middle finger and her thumb.

I think this image would be stronger, more immediate and erotic, without all the details about exactly which fingers she's using. It's just distracting, and a tad cold, like a how-to manual. I think this sort of image works far better:

Matt's hands were roaming her back, tangling themselves in her hair...

This phrase was jarring:

feeling himself encased entirely by her sex.

I do know what you meant, and most of the time using "him" in lieu of "his cock" or what have you works fine, but in tandem with "encased entirely by her sex" I'm afraid I got an unpleasantly literal image .

I hope that's somewhat helpful.

-V

 

[Emmalee]

Thank you, all. This is exactly the sort of feedback I was looking for and I appreciate all of it. You're all right that it's fairly short and not much more than a scene; I am an extremely impatient person and tend to hurry things that need not be hurried. That's obviously what I did here.

The character development is another great point. The story's about people I know and so I obviously thought that because I'm farmiliar with them already, so are you! Silly Emmalee.

VarianP, the nitty-gritty edits were very helpful; sometimes it's those minor changes you make that benefit the story most.

I'll probably take this all under advisement and do an edit on the story, although I'll have to work up the ambition to tackle it yet again. Sigh. Thanks for all the encouragement!

 

[Varian P]

Thank you, all.

You're most welcome.

I'll probably take this all under advisement and do an edit on the story, although I'll have to work up the ambition to tackle it yet again. Sigh. Thanks for all the encouragement!

If you're enjoying writing, but not excited about revising this piece at the moment, you can always take your energy and our sage wisdom and put them into a brand new story.

 

[Emmalee]

If you're enjoying writing, but not excited about revising this piece at the moment, you can always take your energy and our sage wisdom and put them into a brand new story.

Oh, I really do like this story. Especially with all the personal history behind it, I'm sure that it could be good (probably in the hands of someone else it could be great). I'm just one of those crazy scatterbrains that start ten things at once but can never finish any of them! Lol. So I have to really buckle down to finish something, especially something as time-consuming as an edit. Your sage wisdom will certainly help!

Hmm. A brand new story, though ... *wanders away distractedly*