that crazy pastime we call an occupation

[SimplySouthern]

This last thread got me to thinking. People seem to be full of hilarious stories about things that have happened to them at work. We can all use some comic relief, so share your funniest stories (or even the sex ones if ya want to!)

 

[CreamyLady]

I would say it was when I was waiting to do a tarot reading in a shop devoted to women's spirituality and earth religions, and was approached by the Arcturian Ambassador.

I never did figure out what that was all about, since he never spoke. He just handed me his card, with his name -- followed by every combination of letters dreamed up -- and title, and a note on the back that it was time for our next session.

I told him that I'd never heard of him, and had no idea what session he meant, and he touched his Star Trek pin and backed out of the shop.

Mmmm . . . has anyone here ever slept with an Arcturian? I'd like to know if that was what I missed . . .

 

[ShyGuy68]

CreamyLady somehow I have the feeling he was just plain old nuts!!!


ShyGuy

 

[Guest]

It wasn't funny at the time

I was working in the accounting department of a small company. We had been trying for six months to collect $7000. from this delinquent account. Finally I had the check in hand by the end of business that day. The next morning I went in early to clean up some files. I had several reports to shred and not realizing that I picked up the check at the same time, threw it into the shredder. Imagine my shock when I see the check in slow motion make its way towards the blades. I was unable to stop it and out came the check in pieces. At this point I start hyperventilating and think that I've lost my job. My supervisor along with the president of the company saw the humour in the situation and asked me to try and tape it back together.

It took my 2 hours and a roll of tape to finish the job. Every single employee we had stopped by my desk that day. Everyone had a good laugh, especially the bank tellers. I apparently made their day.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Have you ever seen Harry Anderson's bit with the needle that goes through his arm? I do that in my act. It's a trick of course, the needle doesn't actually go in your arm. Well, one night, having an excess of energy -- it did.

I pulled the needle out (it's about a foot long and had gone in three inches) and blood starting spurting out like I just struck oil. I started bleeding all over the front row.

They applauded.

 

[April]

LMAO @ DCL! You poor thing! Are you all right now? That sounds like one of those 'OMG I can't believe I did that' moments!

 

[CurlyGirly]

Oh I have lots of funny stories from work. I take incoming calls from insurance policyholders so there's a bunch of psycho people that call in. I had one lady tell me that our entire company was possessed by the devil. She told my supervisor that and then proceeded to get her friend on the phone who concurred "Oh yes, he's got her!"

The other day I had this man call in about his policy and how great our website is and then he started to go into detail about how he could access Russian intelligence on the web and how he knew all the spy secrets. I had to put my mute button on to keep from falling on the floor laughing.

And of course I've gotten several marriage proposals. When I ask "well, mr. so and so is there anything else I can do for you?" I have gotten the answer "Marry me?". And what I want to say is "No way. I just removed your exwife and her car, changed your address to your mom's trailer in Oklahoma, and put on your 84 Dodge Van which you call the 'love machine' ". But of course I can't really say that so I just laugh and politely decline.

ok, so they're funny to me. I dunno. Maybe I just work too much. *heh*

 

[Skibum]

I was giving the top operator of a ski lift a lunch break on a real slow day. He didn't have his skiis, so he jumped on the lift to ride down. When he got to the bottom he called me on the phone. About halfway dwon he met a chair going up that had a young couple, superimposed and active! They never considered that someone might be coming down the lift. They unloaded just as I hung up the phone, and skiied away with very red faces!

I still can't figure out the mechanics of sex on a chair lift. There just isn't that much room!

[Edited by Skibum on 06-29-2000 at 12:47 PM]

 

[Firesprite]

errr......

I work in an unstructured call centre for the telephone company in the Faults department.. we get all sorts of people calling for all sorts of weird things they think are wrong with their phones (or if they are really stupid, their power, water, and gas.)

I think the most legendary of all calls would be the man with his dog. His complaint was that moments before the phone would ring, his dog would bark...
bark bark, ring ring..

he insisted the problem was with the phone, and not his dog. Of course everyone that he spoke to thought that he had gone around the bend and just blew it off as one of those strange things that happen.. anyway, he was really persistant, and one of the reps took pity on him and finally sent a line technician.

The Technician thought he was a couple of cans short of a six-pack too and decided to prove it. So he took out his cell phone and rang the guys number. Sure enough, bark bark, ring ring. The technician thought that it might be a co-incidence, so he tried again, and again he got, Bark bark, ring ring. The technician was convinced something was just not quite adding up until he took a good look at the dog.

The poor dog was tied to a metal stake in the ground, with a metal leash, and choker chain. The owner had accidentally pushed the metal stake into his phones service lead, and every time the phone would ring, it would send 50v (DC) straight into him!


My own personal silly work story involved a customer in a pay phone. I took the call and the first thing he said was, "I can't get out!"
Stupid me said "Is the door jammed?"
"No", he said "I ment the phone is broken and I cant make a call"
OOPS! It turns out that pay phone didn't even have a door, it was one bolted onto a wall!

 

[Nexxus]

Well Simply, having spent alot of time in what I consider the greatest state in the world (North carolina) selling Veterinary supplies, I have a funny story from a clinic near
Welcome.
Seems while waiting in the emergency room while the Doc removed some kind of mass from a Bulldog, this big fucking Rottie was laying on the floor still out from the anesthesia.
His head was swinging around a bit and I told one of the techs I thought he bonked it pretty hard on the ground. They said he was a mean old dog and a little bonk on the floor wouldn't hurt him. Then I saw the blood coming from his snout. She looked and said its just alittle cut, he'll be out for hours. I reiterated that he was movin around and should I get the hell out of there?
No...he's not gonna wake up any time soon.
Well don'tcha know it, five seconds later he pops up onto his feet staring at me with that i could swallow you whole (and not the GOOD way either) look, blood dripping, no, pouring from his nose.
he starts to pad towards me growling when the moron of a technician sees this and screams for the other tech. They dive on him to hold him back...he's still comin'.
I jumped, no, flew over the counter and away from the cute lil monster just before getting chomped on (again, not in a GOOD way).
Anyway thats my funny North Carolina Veterinary story i hope it amused you.

Nex

 

[SimplySouthern]

Thank you Nex, I am duly amused.

I have had several funny things at work. Let me see..where to begin?

The most recent one I suppose.

Had a gentleman ( I use this term loosely) come into my office asking for help with a DWI (Driving While Impaired). I agree to help him and we talk and he is to come back on his next court appearance date. In the meantine, Mr. Drunkard gets himself ANOTHER DWI. The only way I can see to save him from doing some serious jailtime is to appeal the decision to Superior Court where the plea bargains flow like water. I go through all the trouble of getting his appearance set and flirting with the powers that be (nice to be a young semi-attractive female in this business!) and work out a deal by which he loses his license to drive but stays out of prison for the rest of his natural life. His court date comes and he calls to say he is running late. He is supposed to appear in court at 10 AM and he calls at 945 to say he is on the way. Generally, I meet all my clients in my office and walk them to the courtroom, but seeing as how he was late, I told him to meet me at the courthouse. He arrives just on time for us to "go on stage". As I am standing up to accept the plea, I notice that my client is doing a "white-knuckle-grasp" on the table and swaying as if he just arrived in from one of those "I'm a Literotica PAMFAM" parties. Then I notice the stench of cold enlightenment. (for those of you lost as hell here...he was one drunk bastard). Not only do I notice this, but the judge notices. He orders my client to to take and AlchoSensor test (blow right here in this little thing the nice officer puts in your mouth *giggle*) He blows a .24....WOW. The legal limit to drive is a .08. At .30 they are duty-bound to take you to the hospital to check for the possibility of alchol poisoning. Good Lord! Later he tells me he was nervous and didn't think that he was all THAT drunk anyway.

In conclusion, he was sentenced to 30 days in jail for this little show in the courtroom and 2 years in prison for the 2 DWIs I couldnt get him out of!

That is but one of the many I have seen!

 

[Triatic]

I used to work at a call center as well - the place was set up with computers so you don't even have to dial out to the number you're calling...it just beeps once the potential customer has picked up the phone and you get all their vitals flashed up on your monitor (kinda spooky, really...but I digress). So one day I was joking around with the guy in the seat next to me, he said something silly, and I laughingly informed him that he could nosh my choda. Then I turned back to the screen and realized that I had told a sixty year old NYC lady that she could suck me off.

I hung up.

 

[SimplySouthern]

nosh my chada?

WTF? I have never heard that before.

 

[Triatic]

It's "choda".

~shrugs~

Fancy way to say "dick", as in, "Suck my choda".

 

[SimplySouthern]

well...should I ever have occasion to ask someone to suck my dick...that is just the phrase I shall use. Thanks. I'll let ya know how it turns out.

 

[Triatic]

Do that. I hope it's of use to you...

~laughin~

 

[Cheri]

Hopefully the 60 year old woman thought you were talking about some new fangled health food.

My story is very old (1988). I was a happy naive 18 year old working at a Sycamore. For those of you who aren't familiar, it was a department store knock-off womens clothing store with some sexier stuff. A tall thin rather plain man walked into the empty store. I happily bounce over to him thinking I will help him pick out something for his wife/daughter/mother. (Nothing more flattering than a man completely lost and trying to buy women's stuff and thinking you are his personal savior.) He goes over to some of the more sexier stuff and with a very weird look in his eye askes me if I think any of this stuff will fit him. I quickly but at least two rounders between us and tell him his waist/shoulders are too big. He proceeds to take out some cotton candy pink lipstick and apply it while wandering around the store. I watch with fasination until he thanks me and leaves. The funny thing about this store is that the store is located very close to Wright Patterson AFB and I have always wondered if he worked there because he just had that look about him. Should have let him try on the silky/lacy underwear and made his month.
Sorry this doesn't seem as funny in writing as it was in person.

 

[Guest]

work sucks

 

[SimplySouthern]

unclesam is a man of few words.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Working 9 - 5

Well I work in an office .. and I often fantasize at work .. sometimes making myself extremely hot .. dripping really..

I have two stories posted here about my office fantasies .. Business Arrangement I and II .. you can find them through my Member Profile.

 

[Kamiyue2c]

I was working at my parent's drugstore and one of the new, younger employees, Maurice, was trying to help another guy about his same age. They're standing over by the feminine hygiene products when Maurice turns and yells across the store to one onf the other employees, "Mary, where are the purple lastics?" The guy next to him died of embarrassment as several of us started cracking up. The poor guy never did buy any prophylactics (condoms for the lay, or is that laying, folk).

Of course there is the other time that I guy brought back a box of condoms because "they were too big." He could tell just by looking at the foil wrapper. After he left with a different box, the pharmacist I was working with said, "If he comes back again, get out the finger cots (covers for the fingers that look just like condoms)."

e2c

 

[Ambrosious]

I work as an account manager for a security company that deals with real exclusive clients and communities. One lady that lives in one of our more exclusive communities (read filthy rich) called me one day in a panic. She wanted me to come to her house immediately. I grabbed our portable difibrilator due to the fact that she is gettin' on up there! I grabbed the patrol vehicle and sped to her house, taking speed bumps and curves at 50 mph. Don't forget that this is a residential community.

When I arrived, Mrs. ______ met me at the door in a frantic state, screaming for me to make them stop. That's it-make them stop. I shot into the house to see if I could find the intruders, that being my logical thought, while calling for backup and police. I shot past Mrs._____ and up the stairs--nothing. Into every room I went, with Mrs._____ hot on my heels, practically begging me to make them stop. After searching every inch of her overly large house, I finally asked Mrs._____ just who I was supposed to stop. She had me follow her to the back yard. Of course, that's where the intruders were hiding. The only soul in the yard was the cable guy, installing the new digital cable that Mrs._____ had ordered. Seems that the cable guy was really installing spy stuff in Mrs._____ house and that she was concerned about him and his company learning state secrets and things that would help them "conquer us."

The police showed up to find Mrs._____ beating on the cable guy, the cable guy was in hysterics, laughing at her and her accusations. I was doing my best to extract Mrs._____ from the cable guy's back while explaining to the police what was going on. We finally subdued Mrs._____ and resolved the situation. Mrs._____ is happy with her old cable system--no spy technology there. The funny part?

Mrs._____ made her fortune selling Mary Kay cosmetics. State Secrets?

 

[SimplySouthern]

LMAO @ the crazy woman.

Reminds me...I had this funny call last week at work.

I was told there was a woman on line 3 wanting some information. As my brother is a cop, I'm quite fond of all the 10- codes. I've found that most people aren't familiar with them and this is an effective tool in communicating with my office staff whilst the clients are none-the-wiser.

My receptionist tells me that the lady is extremely 10-73 (cop lingo for sandwich short of a picnic). I answer and the lady on the other end proceeds to tell me that she would like to have her name changed. This is fairly normal, and I proceed to tell her the steps involved in legally changing your name. She stops me midsentence and says, "I don't give a rat's ass about all that shit." (This is a quote...this woman could out-cuss a sailor) She proceeds to tell me she wants to change her name and she will pay me to do it so she doesn't have to bothered with the logistics.

So far, I figure she's a little eccentric, but not what I would call crazy. Then she hits me with it. I ask her when she would like to come in. She replies that she isn't quite sure as she is at that moment finishing out her prison sentence at Broughton Hospital (hospital for the criminally insane). She goes on to tell me that she killed a man a few years ago and would like to legally change her name to what was his name so he could go on living through her. After a 5 minute rambling about how after she changed her name to his, his spirit would come back and inhabit her body, I quickly go off the phone with her wondering who gave this woman phone privileges.