Thanks. -Shattered Lovers.

[The Neon Wolf]

Well I guess I'm horribly new to this site and writing more erotic stories. I just recently had my first story posted.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=218733

First off, thank you to whoever gave me a 5.00 rating. Inspires one to write when you get something like that.

The story itself is an offshoot of a non-erotic story, that my girlfriend actually asked me to try writing a situation between the two main characters, I had a blast writing the story and someone else suggested I post it up here.

I'm hoping I can get some feedback on the story so I can further hone my talents and continue writing. Thank you for any feedback, good or bad in advance

 

[Guest]

It's a sweet story, nicely told. The sex is gentle and caring, the friendship between the two is well done.

There are many grammatical errors, however. My suggestion would be to enlist the help of an editor before you post your next story. There are many volunteer editors on this site; you don't want your quality of theme and story-telling to be spoiled by mechanics.

What do I mean? This is the beginning of your story.

Cassandra sunk hopelessly onto the corner of her bed, tears welling up in her ice grey eyes. She drew her knees up to her chest and buried her face in her knees. She began to sob as she replayed his words to her over and over and over.

"Your nothing to me, your ugly, I can't believe we went out this long." Christian, her boyfriend smirked as he began to mock her. She always took his abuse, he made her believe she deserved it. "We're done babe, now get out of my face before you make me lose my patience again." Cassandra stood there in total silence as she watched him so casually stride away from her like she was trash.


My tweaking -

Cassandra sunk onto the corner of her bed, tears welling in her ice grey eyes. (the other words are superfluous - by the term sunk, we know she's hopeless, and how else do tears well but up?)

She drew her knees up to her chest, burying her face in them. (don't use knees twice).

She began to sob aloud as she mentally replayed his last hate-filled words. (confusion with - she replayed - his - words - to her)

"You're nothing to me," he said with a smirk. "You're ugly. I can't believe we went out this long."

(watch your and you're -and keep conversation as a separate paragraph)

Christian, her soon to be ex-boyfriend continued his abuse as she stood silently.

"We're done, babe. Finished. Now get out of my face before I lose my patience."

As she left without a word he sneered at her retreating back, making her feel worthless, making her believe she deserved to be treated like trash.

(You say he strides away but in the conversation he is telling her to leave - that's confusing.)



OK - does any of this make sense? I haven't changed the plot, or the setting, or even what the characters say. I just tweaked it, tried to make it more readable.

I'm glad you didn't listen to the anonymous public comments person. There are many trolls out there who love to slam the efforts of writers.

Keep writing - Good luck.

 

[The Neon Wolf]

Thanks for the feedback, I admit I had a friend offer to proof-read the story for me. I didn't really look it over after she was done I had assumed she had caught the most of my mental screw ups.

I will definitley take advantage of the volunteer editors in the future, I do most of my typing pretty late into the night. Which results in stupid mistakes I am seeing now and feeling pretty foolish for not catching earlier :X. Yes, I understand the altercations and see that it didn't affect the story itself.

Thank you for the feedback about both the grammer and story content, it is most appreciated.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the feedback, I admit I had a friend offer to proof-read the story for me. I didn't really look it over after she was done I had assumed she had caught the most of my mental screw ups.

I will definitley take advantage of the volunteer editors in the future, I do most of my typing pretty late into the night. Which results in stupid mistakes I am seeing now and feeling pretty foolish for not catching earlier :X. Yes, I understand the altercations and see that it didn't affect the story itself.

Thank you for the feedback about both the grammer and story content, it is most appreciated.

You are very welcome.

I look back to the first story I posted here and would love to edit the entire thing. (It really needs it.)

BUT a wise person told me to leave it alone.

She said, "As your skills improve with experience, you'll be able to look back and see how much you've grown as a writer."

(Colleen Thomas - she's a terrific writer here on Lit.)

And she's correct.

Hang in there -

 

[The Neon Wolf]

You are very welcome.

I look back to the first story I posted here and would love to edit the entire thing. (It really needs it.)

BUT a wise person told me to leave it alone.

She said, "As your skills improve with experience, you'll be able to look back and see how much you've grown as a writer."

(Colleen Thomas - she's a terrific writer here on Lit.)

And she's correct.

Hang in there -

Plan to, this seems to be an interesting board and I enjoyed writing that story. Although now after reading it again and noticing some more of the errors I'm banging my head on the keyboard ...*sighs*

The journey's more important then the destination, so I'll learn and keep going. Besides that's the first story I've written in that kind of situation. I'll take that quote to heart and leave it as is.