TGIF funnies!
- Thread starter *bratcat*
- Start date
Countess DeWinter
Oral Goddess
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2000
- Posts
- 3,197
I just got this one:
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when
Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about
ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a
little different. The last few years I took your
suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you
said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got
pregnant. Two years ago you told me to go to the
Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get
pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when
Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about
ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a
little different. The last few years I took your
suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you
said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got
pregnant. Two years ago you told me to go to the
Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get
pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
Angel
Cuntbeans
- Joined
- Dec 26, 1999
- Posts
- 33,975
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that
suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them
to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go
because if they didn't, the rope would break and all
of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be. Finally the
woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she
would give up her life to save the others, because
women were used to giving things up for their
husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that
suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them
to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go
because if they didn't, the rope would break and all
of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be. Finally the
woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she
would give up her life to save the others, because
women were used to giving things up for their
husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
Angel
Cuntbeans
- Joined
- Dec 26, 1999
- Posts
- 33,975
This elderly couple is watching one of those
television preachers on TV one night. The
preacher faces the camera, and announces,
"My friends, I'd like to share my healing
powers
with everyone watching this program. Place
one
hand on top of your TV & the other hand on
the
part of your body which ails you & I will
heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible
stomach problems, so she places one hand on
the television, and her other hand on her
stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the
television,
placing one hand on top of the TV. and his
other
hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's
talking
about healing the sick, not raising the dead.
television preachers on TV one night. The
preacher faces the camera, and announces,
"My friends, I'd like to share my healing
powers
with everyone watching this program. Place
one
hand on top of your TV & the other hand on
the
part of your body which ails you & I will
heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible
stomach problems, so she places one hand on
the television, and her other hand on her
stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the
television,
placing one hand on top of the TV. and his
other
hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's
talking
about healing the sick, not raising the dead.
codeseeker
Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2001
- Posts
- 68
Halrious jokes folks
Here's one I got a little while ago.
It's the night of the ball and the Fairy Godmother has just
magically created a carriage, gown, and glass slippers for
Cinderella.
"There's one final thing you need," says the Fairy
Godmother and with a wave of her magic wand she changes
a pumpkin into a diaphram.
"Here you go," says the Fairy Godmother, "use this just in
case you meet someone nice tonight. But rememeber
Cinerella, everything I've created for you tonight will
change back at midnight."
With that Cinderella is off to the ball and the Fairy Godmother decides to wait at the castle to see how the evening went.
Twelve o'clock rolls by and Cinderella is a no show.
One, two and still no Cinderella.
Finally 5:00 am Cinderella walks through the front door with a big smile on her face and dressed in her rags.
"Cinderella, Cinderella! Didn't I tell you to be home by
midnight," says the Fairy Godmother.
"Yes," replied Cinderella, "but I met some guy named
Peter Peter."
Here's one I got a little while ago.
It's the night of the ball and the Fairy Godmother has just
magically created a carriage, gown, and glass slippers for
Cinderella.
"There's one final thing you need," says the Fairy
Godmother and with a wave of her magic wand she changes
a pumpkin into a diaphram.
"Here you go," says the Fairy Godmother, "use this just in
case you meet someone nice tonight. But rememeber
Cinerella, everything I've created for you tonight will
change back at midnight."
With that Cinderella is off to the ball and the Fairy Godmother decides to wait at the castle to see how the evening went.
Twelve o'clock rolls by and Cinderella is a no show.
One, two and still no Cinderella.
Finally 5:00 am Cinderella walks through the front door with a big smile on her face and dressed in her rags.
"Cinderella, Cinderella! Didn't I tell you to be home by
midnight," says the Fairy Godmother.
"Yes," replied Cinderella, "but I met some guy named
Peter Peter."
FantasyGoddess
You pour the champaigne,, I'll light the candles
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2000
- Posts
- 1,783
> > Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisanna,
> Bubba's old
> > lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the
> time had
> > come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the
> doctor
> > began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy,
> and the
> > doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba!
> You just
> > had you a son!" Aint dat grand!! Bubba got excited
> by this,
> > but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold
> on! We
> > ain't finished yet!"
> >
> > The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said,
> "Hey,
> > Bubba! You got you a daughter!" She a pretty lil
> ting,
> > too.... Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and
> then the
> > doctor said, "Hold on,we still ain't got done
> yet!"
> > The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
> "Bubba,
> > you just had youself another boy!
> >
> > When Bubba and his wife went home with their three
> children,
> > he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you
> remember dat
> > night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
> use dat dere
> > 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Bubba said,
> "Man, it's
> > a good ting we didn't use no WD-40!
Just thought I would donate.
> Bubba's old
> > lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the
> time had
> > come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the
> doctor
> > began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy,
> and the
> > doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba!
> You just
> > had you a son!" Aint dat grand!! Bubba got excited
> by this,
> > but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold
> on! We
> > ain't finished yet!"
> >
> > The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said,
> "Hey,
> > Bubba! You got you a daughter!" She a pretty lil
> ting,
> > too.... Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and
> then the
> > doctor said, "Hold on,we still ain't got done
> yet!"
> > The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
> "Bubba,
> > you just had youself another boy!
> >
> > When Bubba and his wife went home with their three
> children,
> > he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you
> remember dat
> > night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
> use dat dere
> > 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Bubba said,
> "Man, it's
> > a good ting we didn't use no WD-40!
Just thought I would donate.
Busty
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2000
- Posts
- 379
A man goes to see his doctor - the doctor tells him I have good news and I have bad news. So the man says tell me the bad news first - the doctor says you have AIDS. The man says to him well what is the good news then - the doctor says the good news is you have alzheimers and by tomorrow you won't remember this conversation.
FantasyGoddess
You pour the champaigne,, I'll light the candles
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2000
- Posts
- 1,783
Chapped Lips
A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his
> horse, and dusted
> himself off. He then walked around to the rear of
> his horse, lifted the
> tail and kissed it right on the rectum.
> As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked
> barkeeper asked, "Did you
> just kiss your horse's butt?"
> The cowboy said, "Sure did. I've got chapped lips."
> The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian
> cure.
> The cowboy said, "Nope. But it sure keeps me from
> licking my lips!"
A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his
> horse, and dusted
> himself off. He then walked around to the rear of
> his horse, lifted the
> tail and kissed it right on the rectum.
> As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked
> barkeeper asked, "Did you
> just kiss your horse's butt?"
> The cowboy said, "Sure did. I've got chapped lips."
> The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian
> cure.
> The cowboy said, "Nope. But it sure keeps me from
> licking my lips!"
FantasyGoddess
You pour the champaigne,, I'll light the candles
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2000
- Posts
- 1,783
Juliangel said:
I didn't
Beebeeblue
Wise Woman
- Joined
- Oct 4, 1999
- Posts
- 3,281
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Alabama. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things
in Alabama. We settle small disagreements like this with the Alabama Three
Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Alabama Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly
when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
(I love this part......)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things
in Alabama. We settle small disagreements like this with the Alabama Three
Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Alabama Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly
when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
(I love this part......)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"
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