testing my writing skills, looking for helpful critism

[subordinate_one]

You had your suspicions, but no solid proof....and the bottom line was that you wanted it to be true. You've seen her all the time, here and there. Although there were many women that you came across in your daily routine, and you didn't quite understand what it was. Something about her caught your eye.
She was quite reserved, but wild at the same time. Her smile just left you begging for more. When she was in the public eye she had an attitude about her that was almost like she knew that she was on every guys must have list. Yet, while confined to her solitude, she was quite meek. She had a butterfly personality. Out in the world she was a beauitful butterfly that fluttered around ever so gracefully. While back at the frat house, which was almost like her cocoon, her reserved side shined through. She had a diffrent side to her then. She was in her own little world. Her beauitful, cystal blue eyes and bright smile gave way to a shy, quiet face. Through her eyes you could see that she was lonely and longing for love. You were intrigued by how she could live this flip flop life style. And just like her smile it left you begging for more.
The next day while walking down the hall, you were suddenly knocked into. Completly caught off guard you ended up dropping your books. Ever so quickly you turned around, intending to lash out at the person who knocked into you. " I'm so sorry for that", you heard someone say. As you turned towards the voice, you stood back in astonishment. While watching the girl that you've been eyeing, rushing around to pick up your now, very scattered books. " I'm so sorry for that.... I wasnt paying attention, I'm so sorry." she pleaded "Well maybe I should get something in return?", you mockingly questioned. " I already apologized. What else could you possibly want!!?", she shot back. "Such a fiesty come back considering you were the one that.......so clumsily knocked into me.", you replied, only to find her face beet red and head lowered almost in a full pout. It wasnt quite the reaction you were expecting, but it did justice to the situation all the same. All you wanted to do was turn her over in the hallway an administer a punishment right there. but it was to soon to be sure, and your suspicions weren't yet answered. Out of the blue.... she questioned, "So do you want to go have some coffee.? Or would that be too much considering, you are a teacher and also the so called adult live in shaperone' at the same frat house as me?" " So-called? What could you possibly mean by so-called?" you asked. "Well.............." she paused but only to finsh her reply, "Your not that much older than, most of the rest of us in the frat house, and i do know that you've hosted some of the parties that take place on the weekend.....so why call yourself an adult chaperone? Or is it that you dont want your colleagues to know that you do, infact, enjoy the company of college girls?" There it was again. That flip flop personality she had. Only she had a mockinly, almost flirtish way of saying it. As the hallway cleared to a minimal amount of people passing, she once again questioned you, " Are you going to lead the way? Or are we going to stand here all day?" You were so deep in your thoughts, but you did however notice that with that question, she had her eyes slightly lowered. Without saying a word you walked away. Testing to see if she'd follow, which infact she did. The whole way back to the frat house she followed, but only two steps behind you. Neither you or her had spoken a word. you were both lost again with in the comfinements of your own little worlds. A journey into your own quiet solitudes and deepest desires, that the both of you want to eventualy share with another person, but at the same time you both fear the ridiculing harshness of the rest of the unforgiving world. As you reach the steps that lead up to the door, you look back at her and find her freeing a kitten that was stuck in the thorns of a rose bush. You had walked right past the kitten in distress, not even noticing it was there. She nestled it up in her arms, caressed its head before, letting it go. You gave her a questioning look, before she said, " Even the wildest creatures need a guiding hand to nourish them." With that said, you knew your suspicions were right. You took her books and told her to stay there. You knew that the other girls living there, were not home yet due to the fact that they still had other classes to attened. You took her books up to her room, and layed them on her bed. This was the first time that you've gone into her room and you were surprised to find that it only consited of, a bed, a computer, and clothes strung all over the floor. Her grades were so high that you just expected to see a clean, neat room much like most of her assignments that she turned in. You thought to yourself that the sloppiness would have to change, but first you had other intentions. Back downstairs you looked out the window to see if she was where you left her. She was indeed. The only exception being that she was talking to a boy that lived next door. A small stream of jealousy washed over you as you watched her speaking with him. You shook your head and walked outside. You soon found out that the conversation was over the kitten that she had freed a little earlier. She pointed the boy in the direction that the kitten had wandered off and just as quickly as the boy had appeared in your vision, he was gone. You still had a slightly jealous look on your face and she insolently asked. " What?!" " Nothing", you said. With a slight gesture you beackond her to follow you to the back of the house where your car was. Between the house and the house next door she asked. " Suddenly coffee not sound so bad to you?" Just then, you pushed her up against the side of the house and said, " You are not to speak until spoken to, do you understand?" You could see that she was a little frightened by your reaction to her question, but she answered, "Yes, Sir. I understand." There wasn't a single ounce of sarcasm in her voice. Instead, she had a submissive tone, content with the change in roles that had just taken place. You replied, "That's a good girl. You will find that it will be better for you, and I, if you'd retain that composer even when you're in the public eye." With that you backed off of her, and started walking once again to your car. She again followed respectfully behind you . Once at the car,you stopped to see what she would do. She stood there quietly with her hands loosely at her sides, and her eyes slightly lowered just enough to where she wasnt looking into your eyes. Her once wild side had all but seemingly left and had given way to what seemed a natural, submissive side that suddenly appeared. The side to her that you suspected that she had. This was only the beginning to a new world. There she was, unaware that she stood on the brink of fullfilling your deepest disires. there she was the submissive that you all too often dreamt about.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The main thing I would suggest is that you learn to use more paragraphing, and if you're posting stuff to be read here, double space between them. Being confronted with one massive block of text like this is going to turn most readers off immediately, before they even read the piece. It's very tough on the eyes

Also, writing in second person (I/you) usually isn't very popular and will likewise put a lot of people off. First person (I/she) or third person (He/she) is generally considered more professional and easer to read.

Other than that it looks like you write pretty well and have an eye for nuance in relationships, which is important.

That paragraphing problem is really a killer though. Starighten that out and I think you'll have something pretty good.

---dr.M.

 

[Aussie_Teacher]

I agree totally

The main thing I would suggest is that you learn to use more paragraphing, and if you're posting stuff to be read here, double space between them. Being confronted with one massive block of text like this is going to turn most readers off immediately, before they even read the piece. It's very tough on the eyes

Also, writing in second person (I/you) usually isn't very popular and will likewise put a lot of people off. First person (I/she) or third person (He/she) is generally considered more professional and easer to read.

Other than that it looks like you write pretty well and have an eye for nuance in relationships, which is important.

That paragraphing problem is really a killer though. Starighten that out and I think you'll have something pretty good.

---dr.M.

I must agre with Dr M's comments about the paragraphing. I started to read the first dozen lines, but then had to stop, I could never handle reading such a large "blob" of words all thrown in together. Maybe tomorrow, when awake and alert I will have another try and then give you feedback on the actual story.

Hope you don't take this as "destructive" criticism, it is not meant that way. Is just a late hour for me to handle one long paragraph. But hey! At least you are out there and trying, and that is the main thing.

I have only one story posted on here, 4 more pending, and about 8 more on another site. Does not mean I am a good or great writer, I just like writing. I came across to here as LIT at least has some very good feedback lines as well as a great voting system to help us all to improve.

 

[Aussie_Teacher]

Decided to tey and read it now

Am just a bit worried on your use of quotations, and exclamations. I decided to copy the story and put it into a Word doc to play around with it and see if I could come up with some suggestions. So far am marking the in "bold and underlined" so that you can see what I mean.

Have not done much as yet, but do notice that you are using opening quotes when "she speaks, then without closing them, you are continuing on in the "he" comments. Also suggest that you break direct quotes and seperate them from the main paragraphs.

Still not being nasty, as I also fell into this trap. As well (like me) you make some very basic spelling errors, or your keyboard is sticky (once again, like mine), so you need to watch that and carefully run it through an editor, and then slowly re-read the story from a outsiders point of view.

Hope this is taken the way it is meant (constructive criticism) and I will continue to try and edit it, then send it back to you for you perusal and decisions.

Not sure if I am supposed to put e-mal addresses etc., in a thread, but you can find my e-mail address in my "Bio". Just click on my name and go from there.

I am actually enjoying doing this and trying to help someone else, as well as pick up on my errors at the same time.

Cheers
Aussie Teacher

 

[Aussie_Teacher]

My first Edit

Hi, me once again. I could not sleep, so decided to try and have a go at editing your story. You guessed it! Once I start on a story I try to finish it.

I am not saying this is anywhere near a perfect job, but it is a bit better now that there is a little more punctuation and spacing, as well as the "side" of who was speaking etc.

Hope you like it, but please feel free to change it, drop it, etc, as long as you don't get angry with my suggestions.

I would also appreciate suggestions from Dr M as to my editing, as I have seen and read a few posts from him, and I think he may have better (or more) suggestions for you and me both.

Cheers
Aussir Teacher

PS: My name may say "Teacher" but it does not mean I am anywhere near an English Literary Teacher LOL

 

[Aussie_Teacher]

Ha Ha, I forgot to add my edited version

Will post it here for you and Dr M to peruse and judge.

-----------------------------------------

I had my suspicions, but no solid proof.... and the bottom line was that I wanted it to be

true. I've seen her all the time, here and there. Although there were many women that I

came across in my daily routine, and I hadn't quite understood what it was. Something about

her caught my eye.

She was quite reserved, but wild at the same time. Her smile just left me begging for more.

When she was in the public eye she had an attitude about her that was almost like she knew

that she was on every guys ¡®must have¡¯ list. Yet, while confined to her solitude, she was

quite meek. She had a butterfly personality.

Out in the world she was a beautiful butterfly that fluttered around ever so gracefully.

While back at the frat house, which was almost like her cocoon, her reserved side shined

through. She had a different side to her then. She was in her own little world. Her

beautiful, crystal blue eyes and bright smile gave way to a shy, quiet face. Through her

eyes you could see that she was lonely and longing for love. I was intrigued by how she

could live this 'flip flop' life style. And just like her smile; it left me begging for

more.

The next day while walking down the hall, I suddenly bumped into her. Completely caught off

guard I ended up dropping my books. Ever so quickly I turned around, intending to lash out

at the person who knocked into me.

"I'm so sorry for that", I heard someone say.

As I turned towards the voice, I stood back in astonishment, while watching the girl that I¡¯

d been eyeing, rushing around to pick up my now very scattered books.

"I'm so sorry for that.... I wasn¡¯t paying attention. I'm so sorry,¡± she pleaded "

¡°Well maybe I should get something in return?¡± I mockingly questioned.

"I already apologized. What else could you possibly want!", she shot back. "Such a feisty

come back, considering you were the one that ....... so clumsily knocked into me.", I

replied.

Her face was beet red and her head lowered almost in a full pout. It wasn¡¯t quite the

reaction I was expecting, but it did justice to the situation all the same. All I wanted to

do was turn her over in the hallway and administer a punishment right there; but it was too

soon to be sure, and my suspicions weren't yet answered. Out of the blue she questioned.

"So do you want to go have some coffee? Or would that be too much; considering you are a

teacher, and also the so called adult ¡®live-in chaperone' at the same frat house as me?"

" So-called? What could you possibly mean by so-called?" I asked.

"Well.............." she paused, but only to finish her reply, "Your not that much older

than most of the rest of us in the frat house, and I do know that you've hosted some of the

parties that take place on the weekend; so why call yourself an adult chaperone? Or is it

that you don¡¯t want your colleagues to know that you do, in fact, enjoy the company of

college girls?"

There it was again. That flip flop personality she had. Only she had a mockingly, almost

flirty way of saying it. As the hallway cleared to a minimal amount of people passing, she

once again questioned me.

"Are you going to lead the way? Or are we going to stand here all day?" she said.

I was so deep in my thoughts, but but I did however notice that with that question, she had

her eyes slightly lowered. Without saying a word I walked away. Testing to see if she'd

follow, which in fact she did.

The whole way back to the frat house she followed, but only two steps behind me. Neither her

nor I had spoken a word. We were both lost again within the confinements of our own little

worlds. A journey into our own quiet solitudes and deepest desires, that the both of us

wanted to eventually share with another person, but at the same time we both feared the

ridiculing harshness of the rest of the unforgiving world.

As we reached the steps that lead up to the door, I looked back at her and found her freeing

a kitten that was stuck in the thorns of a rose bush. I had walked right past the kitten in

distress; not even noticing it was there. She nestled it up in her arms, caressed its head,

before letting it go. I gave her a questioning look.

"Even the wildest creatures need a guiding hand to nourish them." She said.

With that said I knew my suspicions were right. I took her books and told her to stay there.

I knew that the other girls living there were not home yet; due to the fact that they still

had other classes to attend. I took her books up to her room and lay them on her bed. This

was the first time that you've gone into her room and I was surprised to find that it only

contained a bed, a computer, and clothes strung all over the floor.

Her grades were so high that I just expected to see a clean, neat room; much like most of

her assignments that she turned in. I thought to myself that the sloppiness would have to

change, but first I had other intentions.

Back downstairs I looked out the window to see if she was where I had left her. She was

indeed! The only exception being that she was talking to a boy that lived next door. A

small stream of jealousy washed over me as I watched her speaking with him. I shook your

head and walked outside. I soon found out that the conversation was over the kitten that

she had freed a little earlier.

She pointed the boy in the direction that the kitten had wandered off from, and just as

quickly as the boy had appeared in my vision, he was gone. I still had a slightly jealous

look on my face when she insolently asked.

"What?!"

"Nothing," I said. With a slight gesture I beckoned her to follow me to the back of the

house where my car was. Between her house, and the house next door, she asked:

"Suddenly coffee does not sound so bad to you?"

Right then I pushed her up against the side of the house and said,

"You¡¯re not to speak until spoken to, do you understand?"

I could see that she was a little frightened by my reaction to her question; but she

answered,

"Yes, Sir. I understand." She said.

There wasn't a single ounce of sarcasm in her voice. Instead, she had a submissive tone,

content with the change in roles that had just taken place.

"That's a good girl.¡± I replied. ¡°You will find that it will be better for you, and I, if

you retain that composure, even when you're in the public eye." I added.

With that, I backed off from her, and started walking once again to my car. She again

followed respectfully behind me. Once at the car I stopped to see what she would do. She

stood there quietly with her hands loosely at her sides, and her eyes slightly lowered, just

enough to where she wasn¡¯t looking into my eyes. Her once wild side had all but seemingly

left and had given way to what seemed a natural, submissive side that suddenly appeared; the

side to her that I had suspected she had.

This was only the beginning to a new world. There she was, unaware that she stood on the

brink of fulfilling my deepest desires. There she was, the submissive that I all too often

dreamt about.

 

[Pure]

on my screen it looks bad. line breaks (blank lines) after every one or sometimes two lines. either I have a problem or you have some margin, line end, or paragraph end probs.

 

[Aussie_Teacher]

Sorry about that

on my screen it looks bad. line breaks (blank lines) after every one or sometimes two lines. either I have a problem or you have some margin, line end, or paragraph end probs.

Sorry about the double spacing, guess that is one of the probles with late at night, tired, cut and paste without doing a preview first.

I will have to watch out of that next time. Don't know why it then added the extra spacing. "subordinate_one" hope you were still able to check the story changes.

 

[Slowlane]

Re: Sorry about that

Sorry about the double spacing, guess that is one of the probles with late at night, tired, cut and paste without doing a preview first.

I will have to watch out of that next time. Don't know why it then added the extra spacing. "subordinate_one" hope you were still able to check the story changes.

I have found that using a word processor to do the written and then posting on lit causes
the spacing problem you are having. I check after the transfer and before the post and edit
them out. In this way I seem to get most of them. I hope this is long enough to
demonstrate. I will try to post this once as-is then again and edit it. BTW I had a heck of a
time figuring this out. I wonder why lit doesn't fix it. Hope I have helped.

I have found that using a word processor to do the written and then posting on lit causes the spacing problem you are having. I check after the transfer and before the post and edit them out. In this way I seem to get most of them. I hope this is long enough to demonstrate. I will try to post this once as-is then again and edit it. BTW I had a heck of a time figuring this out. I wonder why lit doesn't fix it. Hope I have helped.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I write all my stories in MSWord, and either just upload them as .doc files, or cut & paste them. That seems to work okay for me, although certain formatting (like italics) is lost

I do the same with my posts to the Lit boards, writing them in Word (unless they're very short) and copying&pasting them.

I always use a double return between paragraphs though, both in my stories and in my posts.

The software Lit uses to translate your stories into HTML is not very sophisticated and so a lot of formatting doesn't translate. But if you don't get too fancy and remember to use double returns, it seems to work pretty well.

---dr.M.

 

[flyer333]

I'm with dr. M

Paragraph breaks would help significantly. But as a personal note I like emotion. "Replied" and "Said" are good, but what were there emotions or facial reactions when they responded? Allow me to explain:

"You¡¯re not to speak until spoken to, do you understand?"

I could see that she was a little frightened by my reaction to her question; but she

answered,

"Yes, Sir. I understand." Her eyes narrowed as she quivered with fear. Her supple flesh ached.

Every writer has his/her ideas. That's mine for what its worth.

 

[lolojoe]

you should write for sitcoms

 

[gypsy_lady]

feedback

i like the story but a lot of what they said is true

 

[Pure]

closing thread

i'm closing this thread: if the author wanted feedback, that objective was achieved. further, it's unclear if the author ever turned up or read any feedback.

my advice to those who want to help is to refer 'drop in' people with questions about stories, procedure, etc., to 'story feedback.' in this case, you see a "1" , so besides 'drop in' status, you should assume it's the person's first and perhaps only visit to SDC and Literotica (it was).

pure