Test the water depth

[gxnn]

After much consideration and long term observation, I think it is time for me to post some stories, but there is something like grammar or culture which disturbs my writing, so I guess it is better to post part of my writing here for critique before I post the full, otherwise it will cause a joke of international level.

Feel free to tell me if there is anything wrong or unsuitable, thank you in advance. Here we go:

I remember Alvis as a quiet, puny little man who would rather enjoy a book at his sunny porch than nurse Scotch at a rowdy bar. His reservedness and poetry, supposed to be a wooing charm in medieval times, seem of no interest to modern women, especially Angela, with whom he works in the same building, on the same floor.

Alvis BUMPS into Angela every workday, sometimes by chance, but most of the time by design. His timorous eyes never land full on her face which is, to him at least, as beautiful as that of a falling seraph from on high.

Since the first or second view of Angela, Alvis has been enchanted irreparably by anything Angelistic: the teapot she uses, the tea dregs she pours; her slim-hipped figure; the lascivious fragrance she emanates; even her occasional noise of cleaning her cigarette-smoking throat is a charm.

 

[glynndah]

After much consideration and long term observation, I think it is time for me to post some stories, but there is something like grammar or culture which disturbs my writing, so I guess it is better to post part of my writing here for critique before I post the full, otherwise it will cause a joke of international level.

Feel free to tell me if there is anything wrong or unsuitable, thank you in advance. Here we go:

I remember Alvis as a quiet puny little man who would rather enjoy a book on his sunny porch than nurse scotch at a rowdy bar. His reservedness and poetry, supposed to be a wooing charm in medieval times, seemed of no interest to modern women, especially Angela, with whom he works in the same building, on the same floor. {That's an awfully long sentence. Could it be broken up?}

Alvis bumps into Angela every workday, sometimes by chance, but most of the time by design. His timorous eyes never land full on her face which is, to him at least, as beautiful as that of a falling seraph from on high.

Since his first or second view of Angela, Alvis has been enchanted irreparably by anything Angelistic: the teapot she uses, the tea dregs she pours; her slim-hipped figure; the lascivious fragrance she emanates; even her occasional noise of cleaning her cigarette-smoking throat is a charm.

Just a few quick edits. I may read this, but it moves a bit slow for an opening. Perhaps those details can be sprinkled in as the story unfolds.

Really, though, I see nothing that sends up red flags at all. It's fine. Go for it. Best of luck.

 

[KayceeCharles]

Use a grammar editor like slickwrite or Gammarly would help

https://www.slickwrite.com/#!settings/analysis

 

[hylas_]

Two general things that stood out to me:

I don't really understand who the narrator is here. "I remember..." implies, to me, that they are a character in the story, and not an omniscient narrator. Will it become clear later in the story who the narrator is, and how they relate to Alvis and Angela?

I also find it odd that the story begins with "I remember...", but then is written in present tense. Wouldn't a memory be recounted in the past tense?

The best of luck!

 

[gxnn]

Thanks for the above positive and constructive advice.

I now try a short paragraph which I post here to see if you get the meaning of it or not. Critique regarding details, grammar, word and phrases, culture, is welcome. Please understand it is not easy for a non-native to use a second language.

Here we go.

After wavering for a long time, Jerry took the plunge and divorced his wife, a businesswoman engaged in nothing but her career, closing their three-year-and-eight-month marriage. The moment he put his hands on the certificate that proved their divorce had been final, period, he felt so relieved. In his memory, no experience but two can compare with this great escape from marriage.

The first dramatic escape in Jerry's life occured in college. Ever since the first time he saw Angela, he had been enchanted hopelessly by anything Angelistic: the teapot she uses, the tea dregs she pours; her slim-hipped figure; the lascivious fragrance she emanates; even her occasional noise of cleaning her cigarette-smoking throat is a charm.

But Angela seemed aloof and remote, so removed from his world, or so Jerry thought. Gradually, he changed his mind and loved her in a perverse way.

"Aw ya I wanna see some of that pussy!" Jerry mused, a viable-looking plan coming to life in partnership with this thought.

Two weeks later, everything was on and Jerry thought his plan could do no wrong. He hid in a compartment of the women's room, expecting Angela to come to the neighbouring one, and to tape her stealthily with a pinhole camera (that tender spot in particular) through the bottom opening left by the wooden partition.

Luck, however, was not on his side that day, the plan backfired. Instead of the girl he had slyly fancied, another tribe, four or five of them, swept in all together. There were only two seats in the women's room, one already occupied by Jerry. So the unsuspecting girls used the vacant one in turn to do their business, unaware that a man was lurking within sniffing distance. They laughed and talked and swapped, everything just fine!

Jerry crouched there in a straddling position, motionless, so unnerved by the care-free voices of their chatter. "What if they discover me and dash out?" "If I make no sound, nothing will happen." Thoughts crunched widly in his mind the way a whirling turbine operates in full swing. He felt like a distraught spy trapped by a thousand guards who had exposed everything of him. For a flitting moment, he envisioned himself engulfed by the suprising eyes of Angela, in the women's room, of all places, where men dont't belong!

Four girls squating away one by one seemed like an eternity. Anyway, they were leaving. When the unsettling sound of their careless chatter and footsteps faded into the corridor, Jerry stood up, peeked warily through the crevice on the door, and having confirmed that no one was around, sneaked out of the place.

"Finally! Safe and sound!" Jerry sighed, letting out his breath, "that's close!"

These were the only words that Jerry could bring to his mind at the time.

 

[gxnn]

mmmm(clearing the throat)

Well, with the office taking of your new president completed, whether you are his supporter who shout your throats coarse or his protester who fight the riot policemen and get yourselves hospitalized, the dust is settled, even you are a virgin, it is now impossible not to bear his child.

Ok, lets return to the business. I think now you have a little time to take care of my humble request, as seen in the above, your opinion is highly appreciated.