Test Separations...

[Mephistophelily]

As some may remember, my husband and I have had... Issues... For awhile now.
I've finally decided to take a test separation and took my kids with me elsewhere.
We've only been apart for a bit over a day, and he's asking on seeing us tomorrow.

I'm hesitant on doing it, so I agreed to meet him for lunch wednesday with the kids.

I just don't know what to do on this. Should we meet up more than this? Am I fair to say no? I was planning at least a week before the kids go back (and even this I question... The "straw" was him blowing up at our boy), and myself possibly another week later.

I guess I'm just looking for advice... On what we should do...
We tried counselling, and that rather bombed...
I don't want to end up like we were before. It keeps showing up, and scares me... I refuse to be that afraid again.

 

[nakdsub]

If he is abusive?...

You should get your kids and yourself away from him as fast as you can. Find a lawyer and file including a restraining order.

If this is a separation telling him to straighten up and fly right or next time it'll be for real...then a day is hardly enough. He has to know you're serious.

Now, all that said, only you know the details of your situation, you have to do what you feel is right. So many time the heart gets in the way and you make bad decisions. Listen to your gut first, then your brain, and then your heart.
Good luck.

 

[jenni7]

If you are allowing yourself to be in a position where you are that scared you need to leave or your children are in a position that they are being emotionally or physically abused its up to you to protect them as well as yourself and leave. Your children only have you to protect them right now. One day is not proving a point to him at all or giving him time to decide whether or not he will take steps to change.

Good luck in your choices.

 

[Rob1514]

Holy crap, don't listen to us! Get professional advice. I mean if you are separating then you need to do that anyway.

 

[chipcarver]

Please seek professional help. None of us here can help you like they can. One day is not enough, do not go see him before you talk to a lawyer. I fear something will go wrong if you do. I hope I am wrong.

 

[TexasWife25]

I agree you need to talk to a professional
Not only do we not have any real information about your situation, but also, you have to consider your actions from a legal standpoint, especially if you leave and there is a custody issue.

Talk to a counselor
talk to a lawyer
talk to your husband

in that order

 

[SweetErika]

I know it was a long time coming, but I'm proud of you for finally getting yourself and your kids out of there.

Knowing at least some of the history, I agree you need professional help on this. Contact your local women & children organization (hotline, shelter, YWCA, child advocacy, etc.) to see if you can get someone to give you solid advice or help you through the steps of starting a paper trail and seeking protection. They know what you should do and who you need to talk to.

I think you should stick to your original plan for a weekend visit or whatever. Because of the history, you should absolutely do it in a public place (e.g. him playing with the kids at the mall or a busy park), ideally bring another adult with you and NOT leave him alone with the kids, period. The statistics for violence, murder and kidnapping are NOT in your favor, and you absolutely have to keep yourself and your kids safe by planning for worst-case scenarios. Next to that, you need time to process this mentally and emotionally.

And, no, you can not send your kids back to your husband this weekend in good conscience. I don't believe you can allow them to be alone with him at all. As their mother, you need to protect them as well as yourself. Again, get advice from a sharp professional who you can explain the entire situation to, but I'd suggest insisting on supervised visits in a very public place with someone who's there just for you at a minimum.

If your gut says it's too soon, it's WAY too soon. Listen to yourself, and listen to the pros, THEN take action on visitation.

 

[Mephistophelily]

edited, as he's reading my posts again.

 

[Deleted member 1126402]

As some may remember, my husband and I have had... Issues... For awhile now.
I've finally decided to take a test separation and took my kids with me elsewhere.
We've only been apart for a bit over a day, and he's asking on seeing us tomorrow.

I'm hesitant on doing it, so I agreed to meet him for lunch wednesday with the kids.

I just don't know what to do on this. Should we meet up more than this? Am I fair to say no? I was planning at least a week before the kids go back (and even this I question... The "straw" was him blowing up at our boy), and myself possibly another week later.

I guess I'm just looking for advice... On what we should do...
We tried counselling, and that rather bombed...
I don't want to end up like we were before. It keeps showing up, and scares me... I refuse to be that afraid again.

Maybe you should if you even want to stay with him and if so why. The kids, because you still love him? If you deep down just can't take it with him, perhaps he's not someone you should be with.

 

[SweetErika]

edited, as he's reading my posts again.

It might be time to start a new identity here, no? You deserve to be able to vent, receive support and advice without someone looking over your virtual shoulder. Finding a forum that provides support to survivors such as yourself wouldn't hurt, either.

 

[NikkiBastion]

Professional restraining order.

Don't put your children at risk of being abused because you're scared to walk away. I can't imagine why women put up with this shit when they don't have to. And no, it's not love. It's fear, cowardice, indulging the victim card and oblivion to the risk.

If my husband had ever "blown up" on my son I'd have fucking dropped his ass where he stood. Protect your children. You don't get abused unless you allow it. And allow your children to be victimized when you should be protecting them.

Wise up.

They rely on you to be the smart capable one until they can.

Sorry, that blow up should've been Game Over. If you go back, then whatever happens next, you have nobody to blame but yourself.