Terzanelle

[WickedEve]

I tried my first terzanelle last night. For those who don't know, here's some info on a terzanelle:
"The terzanelle is a modified villanelle. It uses the terza rima's interlocked rhyme pattern, but fits the villanelle form of five triplets and a quatrain. In addition, the middle line of the 1st stanza becomes the third line of the next stanza, and so on, such that the terzanelle is a huge pain, but worth the effort and determination to finish."

Anyway, I'm unsure about the one I wrote. I'm unsure about the rhythm, if it makes sense, word choice, etc.
So, I'd appreciate feedback. And please feel free to post your own terzanelle here. What better way to learn than by example.

Sue Ling's Terzanelle

Silence permeates the house of evening,
echoes drifting gently over floorboards,
along the same path as my Sue Ling.

Sensuously she carried hand painted gourds
into the room with sounds of laughter,
echoes drifting gently over floorboards

She lined her nest not until after
flirtatious eyes moved Sue ling and me
into the room, with sounds of laughter.

We knew our fate, yet we did not flee.
We succumbed to the attraction.
Flirtatious eyes moved Sue Ling and me.

Knowing our crime was no minor infraction,
memories of touch and betrayal linger --
we succumbed to the attraction.

Tracing banished footprints with my finger,
silence permeates the house of evening.
Memories of touch and betrayal linger,
along the same path as my Sue Ling.

 

[daughter]

APPLUASE

WE--

Works for me. I see two women being drawn together. That is the forbidden infraction. Does "Their" refer to where she is suppose to entertain guests and not her lover?

The form yields a wonderful rhythm and your supporting lines render sense to me.

I'm a sucker for the villanelle and now this form, too. I admire those who manage to meld their creativity with definitive forms. Well done, WE.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Sweetwood]

Sue Ling's Terzanelle

The images you paint are amazing. The tenderness and subtlety your choice of words evokes, shows more of you than you might expect. *smiles* I love this poem and believe it will become one your best pieces.

Having said that, I think the title needs some work. It is too stark for the subtle fragrance of the piece.

I also find the rhythm of this poem not formed through enough. I believe the form used and the tenderness of the topic deserves more melody in it. This you can only achieve with rhythm.(I know it sounds like an oxymoron, with me being the moron) Maybe melodiousness would be the better word. The name Sue Ling invokes whispered conversations in singsong.

I have tried to revise thusly as an attempt:

You crafted:

Sue Ling's Terzanelle

Silence permeates the house of evening,
drifting gently across the floor boards,
along the same path as my Sue Ling.

I remember her carrying painted gourds
to their room, with the sound of laughter
drifting gently across the floor boards.

She decorated their nest not until after
flirtatious eyes moved Sue ling and me
to their room, with the sound of laughter.

We knew our fate, yet we did not flee.
We succumbed to the attraction.
Flirtatious eyes moved Sue Ling and me.

We knew our crime was no minor infraction
Memories of touch and betrayal linger --
we succumbed to the attraction.

Tracing banished footprints with my finger,
silence permeates the house of evening.
Memories of touch and betrayal linger,
along the same path as my Sue Ling.

I attempted this with changes highlighted:

Silence permeates the house of evening
Drifting gently on the floor boards
On the same path as my Sue Ling

I recall her carrying the painted gourds
To their room with sounds of laughter
Drifting gently on the floor boards.

Decorate their nest not until after
Eyes flirtatious moved Sue Ling and me
To their room, with sounds of laughter

We knew fate, yet never did we flee
We succumbed to the attraction
Eyes flirtatious moved Sue Ling and me.

Knowing our crime was not just an infraction
Ling’ring memories of touch and the betrayal
We succumbed to the attraction

Tracing banished footprints with my finger
Silence permeates the house of evening
Ling’ring memories of touch and the betrayal
On the same path as my Sue Ling

Maybe read both aloud to yourself.

Thank you for this wonderful piece

Sweetwood

 

[WickedEve]

Thank you d and sweet. I started to submit this last night, but I thought it best to seek some feedback first. It's kind of scary trying a new thing, and I wasn't sure if it worked or not.

Yesterday, I was trying to find out about some poems I had written earlier in the year. I discovered that they are cinquains. I actually forgot. lol That's when I saw a site about villanelles. I tried one before, and I wasn't too thrilled about trying another. Then I noticed the terzanelle, and I thought it didn't sound as difficult. It took several hours to write, and it wasn't the easiest thing in the world.

This poem can be interpreted two ways. It can be about two women, which I assume most readers will see that since a woman wrote it in first person. I actually had two different images going. I was seeing it that way, and also as a man and woman, with the woman being married. That's why I used "their." "He" shouldn't be with her, because she belongs to someone else. But also, two women works because of the "forbidden" element. At first, I had "our" instead of "their." Either way, I think it works.

Sweetwood, I'm going to read over your changes a few times and see if I can make this poem a bit smoother. And do you have any suggestions for a title? Maybe drop the terzanelle from the title?

 

[Sweetwood]

Title

How about:

Memories of touch and betrayal

Sweetwood

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

How about

Sue Lings Fling

Thanks for the lesson/definition

 

[WickedEve]

How about

Sue Lings Fling

Thanks for the lesson/definition

Say Sue Ling's Fling 3 times really quickly! (out loud)

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Hmm

Is this another one of those cool challenges? Am I supposed to try and make a Terzanelle called Pull-the-plug, slice-the-pie now? (btw, don't try to use that title, I really want it for myself )

I loved yours, Eve.
Will comment later.

 

[smithpeter]

I tried my first terzanelle last night. For those who don't know, here's some info on a terzanelle:
"The terzanelle is a modified villanelle. It uses the terza rima's interlocked rhyme pattern, but fits the villanelle form of five triplets and a quatrain. In addition, the middle line of the 1st stanza becomes the third line of the next stanza, and so on, such that the terzanelle is a huge pain, but worth the effort and determination to finish."

Everything above is a blur to me. What are these words?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Terzanelle

Everything above is a blur to me. What are these words?

Don't worry your pretty head about it, sp.

I just received this from anonymous:

About the submission: Sue Ling
This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

Gasp.. a villanelle! How wonderful! And so well done - thank you

Thanks anonymous. I wish you would have sent your email address. By the way, it's not quite a villanelle.

Sue Ling

 

[smithpeter]

I've done some learning since I wrote that post. So now every time I start writing one of those Vanilla Terzanelle things I get a little dizzy and fall on my cute butt.
Maybe you could help me up and brush me off.

 

[WickedEve]

Send me a picture of your cute butt, then we'll talk.

 

[Sweetwood]

SP's cute butt

Let us see, let us see! we really are both into cute butts... Can we; puleeeeeze?


Sweetwood and Sweetwife

 

[JUDO]

In My Double Polarity

Up seagulls drift lazily amidst the warm westerlies
As behind tinted green my blues drift under a coral sea,
Lying naked baked by solarity in my double polarity.

The wind lingers while it molds its fingers along daring curves
Rife with opportunity, aflame with lust and unmoved by temptation
As behind tinted green my blues drift under a coral sea.

Cool white foam licks the heated sand in pleasurable rhythm
Surrounded by an audience of bronzed souls on elbows panting,
Rife with opportunity, aflame with lust and unmoved by temptation.

A brave woman approaches, eyebrows raised, feigning a need for oils spread
And sink does she knee to knee between me tasting free so easily
Surrounded by an audience of bronzed souls on elbows panting.

Nipples ripple on top of goosebump triple as she finishes me
Upon striped towel beneath I bequeath as I slip underneath her musky sheath
And sink does she knee to knee between me tasting free so easily,
Lying naked baked by solarity in my double polarity.

 

[WickedEve]

Judo, I like In My Double Polarity. But a terzanelle (unless there are other ways to write one) should have 6 stanzas. The first and third line of the first 5 stanzas should rhyme. And the 6th stanza should use the first and third line of the first stanza and the second line of the 5th stanza.

 

[JUDO]

Wind out of my sails

Ah well, it is what it is then. Sorry, I know you assumed that one would know about rhyming scheme, etc. from your description at the top, but I did not.

I've written only one villanelle before as the result of such a challenge and frankly, don't recall which poem of mine it is, it was so long ago.

So, "In My..." is inspired by, but it isn't one - a non-terzanelle.

If I find more energy to pursue this at a later time, I will return. Sorry about that.


- Judo

 

[JUDO]

Second at bat...

Maybe I was close. How about this?

In My Double Polarity

(a wordy terzanelle)

As seagulls drift lazily amidst the warm westerly
Behind tinted green my blues drift under a coral sea,
Lying naked baked by solarity in my double polarity.

The wind lingers while it molds its fingers along me gingerly
Rife with opportunity, aflame with lust and unmoved by temptation
Behind tinted green my blues drift under a coral sea.

Cool white foam licks the heated sand in pleasurable sensation
Surrounded by an audience of bronzed souls on elbows panting,
Rife with opportunity, aflame with lust and unmoved by temptation.

A brave woman approaches feigning a need for oils supplanting
And sink does she knee to knee between me tasting free so easily
Surrounded by an audience of bronzed souls on elbows panting.

Nipples ripple on top of goosebump triple as she finishes me
Upon striped towel beneath I bequeath as I slip underneath her musky sheath
And sink does she knee to knee between me tasting free so easily,

Now we two behind green kiss ruby lips over whited teeth
As seagulls drift lazily amidst the warm westerly
Upon striped towel beneath I bequeath as I slip underneath her musky sheath
Lying naked baked by solarity in my double polarity.

 

[WickedEve]

Yep. The second one is a terzanelle. I can't believe how quickly you changed that! You're good, girl!

I tried a villanelle once, and didn't enjoy it much. I think this one is a bit easier to work with. Though, maybe I'm ready now to tackle a villanelle.

 

[JUDO]

Yeh!

 

[WickedEve]

 

[Unmasked Poet]

RInginginginginginginginginginginginging

Ah, Eve you are killing me using all the vibrating, stimulating, percolating words.

Gerunds? maybe one but this is too much! I took a long look at "Sue Ling's Fling" on Lotus and made some recommendations.

U.P.

 

[WickedEve]

Well too F***ING Bad! LOL
I'll check out what you wrote at lotus. Thanks UP.

 

[Sera Shine]

Trying a terzanelle

Well I thought i would give this a try. I have written several villanelles. I won't claim I've written them *well*.. - I liked the idea of this because the allowance of more than two different rhymes gives you a better chance of putting it together. The villanelle becomes really challenging to find enough words that can rhyme and be repeated without sounding, well, not good.

This may be a bit on the simplistic side, but I usually use this theme when trying to learn a new form. So here it is.
Did I get it right? I probably should mention I'm not familiar with terza rima, although it sounds like something I'd like and should be. Will have to look it up.

T: Drowning Daisy

Left to die in the setting sun
Daisy drifted across the lake
and I was grateful it was done.

She wouldn't know of my heartache
Nor find her dreams tossed to the sea
Daisy drifted across the lake

with conscious clean and presence free
she wouldn't need to kill or cry
nor find her dreams tossed to the sea

resting under darkening sky
i smiled for her, through my grief
she wouldn't need to kill or cry

and if her chance at life was brief
she lived as full as a flower could
i smiled for her, through my grief

she sank just as I thought she would
left to die in the setting sun
she lived as full as a flower could
and i was grateful it was done.


***

My Daisy villanelle:

V: - Drowning Daisy
~
Tears came hard from the glow
As the sun bounced off the sea
And yet Daisy had to go.
~
No, she didn't want to, no.
And, in truth, was just like me.
Tears came hard from the glow.
~
Mighty sun was hanging low
Forbade farewells quietly
And yet Daisy had to go.
~
I could not refrain from the throw
And she drifted off helplessly.
Tears came hard from the glow.
~
Eyes closed tight, to think, to know
I wanted her back, inside with me.
And yet Daisy had to go.
~
Time passes by, forever slow.
Still I never shall be free.
Tears came hard from the glow.
And yet Daisy had to go.


Sera

 

[JUDO]

SS -

Very successful terzanelle. I really liked it.


- Judo

 

[WickedEve]

Like the poem, Sera! I think if anyone wants to try a villanelle, they should start out with the terzanelle. I was very frustrated the first time I attempted a villanelle, but now I'm more comfortable with it since I am able to write a terzanelle.

W.E.