tentative attempts

[deeply_decadent]

Greetings all,
Well I got round to writing some new material. Applied some of what i have recently learned and basically threw caution to wind see what comes out.

As I stated earlier im sure there are a million amatuer mistakes glitches and down right bad poetry present in what im currently putting to paper. I'm at base trying to merge what i love doing with what im learning to do. The end result being something that passes for poetry eventually.

I have 3 down that im nearing content with I,m playing with the idea of submitting one or all. Firstly what im looking for is any and all crits on any aspects these are a work in progress as they are the first seriouse attempt at writing new stuff I have made in a long while. Also they are an attempt to improve my previouse writing. Luckly the previouse drivel is not on display so i wont get browny points for simply being bearable now. "I hope" lol.

Secondly if any one has any feeling towards any piece, are they even worth a submission ect ect. I know I'm really the only judge of that matter, but have got what i needed out of writing them so im curiouse to see what if anything they contain to readers.
Basicaly anything you may wish to share or offer would be wonderful. I know placing 3 on one post is just a mess, I was just very unsure of making a real submission if they are utter tripe.
I am also trying to see were i got it right and were it got it wrong and wanting to learn.
I ramble ..and then some,
Thank you all in advance
D

-----------------
Orphan spring

Tarmac rhyme beneath my feet
Middle city stifling heat
emotions brought me by air
the caustic smoke of need ill repair. .

turning down a back street
no were else to retreat
rush hours is so taunting
when your trying to be replete

two steps back to retrieve my self,
my smile it went a awry
alone a hard place to find
concrete befuddles the sky

buskers band distractions grand
salvation on the green
storm water drain trapping rain
an orphaned mountain spring

I find a smile for homeless springs
we are both gonna sea.
---------------------------------------------
sandman ~tenative it will do title~

Sandman comes less willingly
When I deeply need balm
perhaps i am less tantalising
when seeking out his charm

It is a little irony
the weary find no rest
or is it more like purgatory
trapped were I must feel

night light was to bright
dark was just to right
now with eagerness to my heart conceal
waiting on mister morpheus
to come and clench the deal
-----------------------------------------------------
value of H

garbage bags and dirty rags
tile an empty floor
barren eyes personify
the need for nothing more

forget the vein
it taps the soul
wipe the colours out
feeling dragons chasing doubt

Deity’s in robes of foil
peace stolen by the gram
beating back the mortal coil
dosage but a dram

nothing left of use to be
Death has its own alchemy
simple potions warm to clutch
The reapers sensual midas touch
------------------------------------------

Thanks once again if you made it this far, Your input will be treasured.

 

[Rybka]

Howdy Decadent One!!

d_d,
My first suggestion is to always write in a format like 'Word" that will allow you to use a spelling and grammar checker.
After that, read your words out loud. This will help you retain consistent metre (rhythm) and rhyme (If you are using a rhyme scheme).
My third recommendation would be to put new poems aside for at least a month, that is, long enough that you can read them objectively (as poems written by someone else and not as if they are your babies).
Finally, keep reading and writing!

Regards, Rybka

 

[deeply_decadent]

Thanks rybka

Many thanks for the input,
Agreed and agreed, I'll take that to heart as far as putting them aside for a time goes. Makes good sence I was and remain awfully wrapped up in the creative process. Not a good frame to objectively tackle a piece .

As far as rhythm and rythme schemes goes I'm still babe lol. So I'm working at it and will continue to. Before these poems I had not attempted much beyond just writing down lines and decideing them poetry. I'm discovering how much more there is.

As far rhyme schemes are there hard and fast rules, I have read about forms of poetry "set schemes" at the same time i understood that didnt all have to rhyme, By that token should there be minimal rhyme used "if not writing to a rhyme scheme"?

Sorry for the no doubt thick question, I will continue my study at the same time I'm fishing for insights.

Thanks again
D

 

[Rybka]

Consistency

. . .
As far rhyme schemes are there hard and fast rules, I have read about forms of poetry "set schemes" at the same time i understood that didnt all have to rhyme, By that token should there be minimal rhyme used "if not writing to a rhyme scheme"?
. . .

Every writer will give you different answers. There are "hard and fast rules" if you intend to write in a defined poetic form, but in the present time almost anything goes as long as you are consistent (or at least consistently inconsistent).