Tell me what you think please.

[Dream Keeper]

Chapter One:

It was the first day of my Senior Year in High School. I walked slowly down the hall scanning everything cautiously. I had come from a different school, I moved over the summer. New schools always bugged me, especially coming into one this late. Everyone here had known each other since at least freshman year, I supposed. I hoped it wouldn’t be too hard to make friends. As I drifted aimlessly down the hallway I noticed a group of boys laughing and talking by some lockers. I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of one of them. He was boy of perhaps 5 feet 10-11 inches in height, straight thin brown hair down to his nose, and beautiful facial features. His skin was fair, and he had a slightly feminine posture, which wouldn’t have been noticed by many, mostly due to the fact that he was so thin. He was dressed in a white T-shirt with a loose blue denim jacket over it, and baggy cargo pants that reached down below his shoes. I caught myself staring at this beautiful male, and turned the other way before someone else noticed. I wanted to go up and talked to him, but I was afraid of stumbling over my words and making a fool of myself, which I probably would do. Besides, I thought to myself, Even if he were gay I doubt I’d have a chance with him. I never considered myself attractive. I had Short light brown hair, and deep blue eyes, that were the only things I considered beautiful about my body. I also was very thin and tall. Only 130lbs and nearly 6ft. I did have one more thing that I was told was beautiful by many people. That was my butt. Perfect, wonderfully rounded, not too big or small, and just right in every aspect. As I realized how late it was getting I decided to just give up, and trudged off to class disappointed in myself.

My first 3 classes were boring and uneventful, and apparently this school was behind. Math, English, and History were my first the periods, and they were all studying things my school had finished last year. It was simply review for me, so I knew I’d be floating through these first few weeks easily. When third period ended I located the lunchroom without difficulties, and walked towards the line. When I exited the line with lunch in hand I notice him again. It was the sexy guy from earlier. He happened to be sitting next to a kid I had partnered with in mass class for algebra drills. I took this as an opportunity, and sat down on the opposite side of the plain white table from him, pretending not to notice the sexy guy next to him. We started talking, and he mentioned how impressed he was at my math skills. Then he introduced me to his sexy friend. Brandon he said his name was, and that they had been friends since grade school. I nodded at my math buddy, and reached across the table to shake hands with Brandon. It was just like I thought; he had a very feminine hand shake. I don’t think he even noticed the homosexuality that radiated from him. We had some random small talk about his life and his interests, and I was not surprised to find that he was not interested in sports. I found out that he was not very good in math, and that he could use some tutoring. I volunteered so quickly I almost jumped from my chair. This brought a big grin to his face and he accepted the offer graciously. Success! I would visit him at his home tomorrow afternoon. This was my chance, I was going to make him fall in love with me at any cost…

 

[BlackShanglan]

OK, sit down, have a nice brandy ...

You're probably not going to like this. I have to say that my reaction to your story as a whole was not especially positive. I would like to offer help, but I know that it's painful to hear those words, so feel free to just have the brandy and skip what follows. If it's any consolation, my own work has already elicited the helpful comment "Sorry, but I can't read this gibberish," so I've no illusions as to my ability to embody my high aesthetic principles Feel free to rip into my work with gusto; I would really rather like someone to, as I haven't gotten much feedback that I can translate into action.

That said, once more into the breach ...

I like the characters in here. Brandon sounds quite delicious, and the narrator's attraction to him is a nice theme. The addition of the sense of isolation from being in a new school works for me; it catches the sense of being alone or out of step that can also come with the speaker's orientation, and I think it establishes that tension productively. So on the whole, the plot is good for me. It's not what's being said that I found a bit of a hurdle; it's the way it's said.

And my list of "issues":

1) I have, as others I have reviewed can tell you, an inherent dislike of characters lingering over their physical attributes in unlikely fashions. I've seen much worse and you do make a good nod to point of view when you distance the comments about his butt with the phrase "I was told." Still, we end up with a gushing description of his own physical beauty that is more appropriate to the author looking at the character than the character looking at himself. It takes a fair bit of time in front of a mirror in unlikely poses to even develop this sense of one's own backside, and the inherent sexualization and desire there ring false. He's expressing desire for his own ass, which comes across either unlikely or rather vain. I think you are better off either not giving this description at all or shifting POV to another character to give it. POV shift can still work with a first person narrative voice, but you'd have to be clear that the narrator was changing to someone else - the obvious choice there being Brandon. If you want to stick with the speaking character's POV, I would jettison the description.

2) Your descriptions on the whole are gotten through quickly in a "vital stats" sort of fashion. Take your time and linger on them a little. Let them unfold rather than jotting them down hastily and moving on. Let go of statistics and mention sexually, emotionally, or physically evocative images. 5' 11" doesn't convey any powerful sensations; it's just a number. Instead, aim to present the reader with something more powerful. Rushdie, for example, describes a lake "to which the cold of night had given the cloudy consistancy of wild honey." That surely brings more to the text - on many levels - than "35 degrees and 15' visibility."

3) Along the same lines, can we get more enticing than "feminine" and "homosexuality"? What speaks directly to the viewer's libido? Try as much as you can to show rather than tell. Can you describe an action that instills this sense of feminity or indicate some concrete way in which his posture and looks evoke desire in the viewer? Is there perhaps a subtle yielding or delicacy toward his friend, a tone in his voice, or a gesture of his body that articulates these concepts?

4) I know that we want the protagonist here to be clever, but between the lingering description of his own physique and the brusque dismissal of the school's curriculum, he's in danger of appearing cocky. Something to interject a little humility would be helpful.

5) Personally, I suffer from a ridiculous tendency to draw out consummation and contact. I enjoy that lingering awkwardness of the stage in which desire is half-admitted and reciprocation is hardly dreamed of. I would give the development more time before setting them up in the tutoring relationship and use that time to develop more of a sense of both of them as people. That said, I know that that is not the goal of all fiction, and that it can, as I seem determined to prove in my own work, be taken a great deal too far. Still, I would prolong here and build some tension.

Just my two pence. I hope that you will find it helpful and please *do* shred something of mine. I could really use it.

Shanglan

(And some fodder for the shredder: http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=390104&page=submissions )

 

[Pure]

Hi Dream,

I think Black is new here, but you should be aware it's set up as swap situation. You give critiques to others, and from time to time receive critiques yourself.

Since you do write, you may be interested in high quality interaction--both directions.


Consult the first thread or "sticky" about how things are going. "Discusssion: feedback". It's a kind of menu and central clearing house so everyone knows what is going on.

Post your name as interested in that thread.

 

[BlackShanglan]

*nods* I knew that that was the theory, but was not sure if there was still a moderator. Since there is ... away I go


Shanglan

 

[Dream Keeper]

I am entirely sorry. I threw this together the other night, and didn't really put much thought into it. I was just wondering if the plot was a good idea, and didn't mean to blow it into a story... It did turn out quite boring and lacked details didn't it? Well anyway, I left it here for feedback just to get an opinion on the plot and maybe see how the feedback system works here. I'm a bit new if you haven't noticed. Heh... http://graphics.gaiaonline.com/forum/images/smiles/icon_sweatdrop.gif I wasn't expecting someone to put that much time into critique on something this aweful. Sorry for wasting your time... Anyway, I'd love to toss out some reviews for your stories BlackShanglan. Thanks for the review on myne.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I didn't think it a waste of time at all, Dreamkeeper. If I thought that the story lacked potential, I would not have said anything. There are some stories I read that I don't bother commenting on because I don't see anything in there worth improving. I actually quite like your basic premise, and I consider my motives entirely selfish. I want to read this story *grin*

I am sorry if I in any way conveyed the impression that I thought my time wasted. Trust me - I am lazy enough to just not reply if something appears to be a waste of time. I did not know at what stage of drafting you were, so I didn't know what level of feedback was sought - i.e., if you were presenting this as the complete work, or as a draft.

I like the premise And believe me, I have so little time at the moment that I don't waste a second of it. I would love to see further drafts, and anything you have to say on my own poor efforts would be immensely appreciated.

Shanglan

(And a link to those poor efforts is in my last post)

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I agree with BlackShanglan both on criticism of the piece, and on the fact that detailed criticism isn't thrown away on really bad work. We only spend time critiquing if we think we could help someone worth helping.

Your initial description of the boy is lively and conveys a lot about him: the way things hang and fold and turn, his nose or his hands or his casual clothes: this really conveys things. This is what we actually notice in people, what sticks in the mind, what you live over and feel good about. But a bunch of numbers? Who knows what five foot something is? It conveys nothing to me and just kills the mood that you sensitively create with non-cliched pictures of fairness and posture.

Have you ever seen someone tall and drooled over how tall they were? Didn't think so. Being tall or short or whatever is one point in how they are, so mention it briefly as one point. Then drool over what really touches you. Perhaps the slightly confused look as their smile gradually broadens, the way the lines around their eyes change. Real people you've seen do that.