Tell me how to feel

[Whispersecret]

My husband, who does not read for pleasure, has never read my stories or poems. I've asked him, but he says he wants it on paper. He maintains that he stares at a computer screen all day and doesn't want to do it at home too. While that sounds like a cop-out to me, I accept that. When the Literotica anthology comes out, perhaps I will find out if that was true or not.

My writing is very important to me at this point in my life, and part of me feels hurt that he makes so little effort to acknowledge my accomplishments. (i.e. no card in celebration of my winning the Lit. award, like Studmuffin gave KM.)

The question is, should I even press him on the issue? Should I force him, by virtue of his love for me, to read my first published work? I mean, one's spouse doesn't necessarily fulfill every single need a person has. Otherwise we probably wouldn't need friends or family. Our spouse would be the be-all-end-all. Should I even expect him to share in this with me? Or am I just being afraid to see the depth, or shallowness of his committment to me?

What about you? Does your significant other read your stuff? Does it matter to you whether he/she does or not? I just want to see some different perspectives on the issue.

 

[cymbidia]

Oh babes, i'm sad for your disappointment and sorry you're feeling so badly about all this.

You already know that every relationship has weak places and strengths. There's got to be much that's good in your relationship with your husband or you wouldn't have married him in the first place.

If your needs have changed over time, and all our needs do that, then perhaps you owe it to yourself, to him, and to the relationship that exists between the two of you to try once more to articulate your new needs.

It's then on him to respond.

If he cannot or will not respond in a manner that goes toward meeting your desire to share your fine writing with him, then perhaps you'll choose to press him on the issue. Be sure, though, that you only press him about it if you *really* need his acknowledgment about your writing skills and accomplishments. You already understand, i know, that to press him on this, when he's so clearly indicated his disinterest, might result in more marital friction than it's worth.

OTOH, it must feel really terrible to have a shiny treasure in your cupped hands like your fabulous story-telling ability and be spurned time and again by he who should (oops, bad word there!) be the most excited and interested in such a treasure.

Again, we all live with different expectations, hold to different rules, and have wildly differing expectations for and of our spouses. Add constant growth and change on the part of both people to that and i wonder how any of us stay married for longer than a couple years.

Slog through it, darlin', if he's worth it, if you're worth it, and if the relationship is worth it. It's the best any of us can do when the times are bad. You have my deep sympathy for the tough place you're in. You'll emerge from this a stronger woman, whatever you decide to do about it.

 

[Bob Peale]

Another Point Of View

WS,

Another thing to thing about...

My wife has only read one of my stories once, and it actually upset her (an ironic reaction given how well received my stories are both here and in print).

We talked about it and, the crux of the matter was, she felt uncomfortable with the fact that I was able to write that way for other people. Now mind you, she is a very conservative person by nature, but that aside, she felt somehow that by presenting the story to the world, I was allowing them a peak into our bedroom (figuratively) (even more ironic, since my stories are not even tangentially autobiographical).

She accepts that I write (both erotica and more mainstream works), but she prefers not to participate. In truth, tha's okay; we do share so many other things, and she is so supportive and engaged in my other pursuits that I really don't mind.

For what it's worth...

 

[Mickie]

Support at home. I've been writing full time for six years and my wife has never read anything I've written. At first, it REALLY bothered me. Here I was, committed to a life of writing, and there she was, smiling and telling me to keep going but she really had no interest in what I was writing about, be it mainstream or erotica. I tried to include her, write about subjects she'd be interested in (I thought erotica might just 'do the trick'.) But, no. She doesn't want to read it. She'd rather do it. Chuckle.

So of course I tried to find other ways to include her. I read some of it aloud. She fell asleep. I gave up on that because I felt like I was 'forcing' her to listen. She honestly was not trying to put me down, but truly isn't interested in the written word. Not mine, and not anyone else's.

So, because I felt just as you do, Whisper, I tried to find other ways to see how supportive she is toward my writing. First, she puts up with the weird hours I spend at the computer. Second, she supports the family while I try to find some kind of 'career' with it. Third, she buys ink and paper and anything else I might need to aid my writing. Last, she has always allowed me to do what I need to do to be happy, whether it's writing or cutting out to go for a walk instead of dealing with the kids, without trying to make me feel guilty for it. She supports me, as a whole, and my writing is part of me.

Remember, Whisper, all the reasons you're with your other half, and look at the hidden ways he supports your efforts. Just the fact that he gives you time to write is supportive. There are probably other ways lurking beneath the hurt you feel that he won't read what you've written. Reading and giving comments are only a single way to be supportive. There are so many others, just look for them.

Another little point -- most men (and more than a few women) are stuck with the belief that, unless you publish and earn money at writing, then you are not a true writer. You'll battle that one as long as you continue to write.

And it's just possible that he doesn't want to read it because he doesn't want to be put on the spot. What if he honestly doesn't like it? It's a little like standing in the middle of the room and asking if you look fat. No matter what he says, he'll be in for a problem. If he says yes, obviously that leads to the woman's self doubt, and usually tears. If he says no, then she thinks he isn't being honest.

My advise, and you can do what you like with it, is to tell him thanks for the ways he does support you and tell him you have plenty of readers, but if he ever wants to read it you'll print it out for him to read in his easy chair. Just don't let this single issue define the entire relationship.

Mick

 

[Deborah]

Whisper, Whisper, Whisper.

Print the stories out and leave them lying around and maybe he'll give them a peek.

LOL! Write one about the rendevous in Vegas you had with a certain other author and put that one where he can find it. You'll find out soon enough whether or not he has read your stories.

 

[Whispersecret]

Cymbidia, Bob, Mickie, and Deb

Thank you so much for your replies. I was surprised to find tears in my eyes reading them. (Except for Deb's, of course, upon which I laughed.) It was enlightening to see different ways of looking on the same situation.

Yes, Bob, my husband is a little uncomfortable with my writing erotic stories. (You'd think being a man, he'd be ecstatic that I was so in touch with my sexuality...go figure.) However, he IS a very CONTROLLED man. Still, I'm afraid I can't limit what I want to write based on his comfort level. However, I write more than just erotica.

Cym, I don't really need his acknowledgement. After feedback here and winning the Novella award, I feel fairly confident in my writing ability. However, there's a part of me that feels that, perhaps wrongly, that a husband and wife should show an interest in whatever is important to the other person. And yet, beyond that short bout of group lessons, I haven't taken up golf. <coughs>

Mickie, your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine. Even to the falling asleep part. Swear to God! He's fallen asleep on me twice. Granted I wasn't reading erotica, but still, that's pretty insulting/disappointing. I started to wonder if I was putting off handing him a printed copy of my work in order to avoid further hurt.

Anyway, I will try to take your advice and focus on the other ways he supports my writing. Perhaps if our relationship was more solid, I wouldn't have such a hard time.

Deb! Thanks for the advice. LOL. If I'd been thinking I could have written it and accidentally sent it to his office email on April first. Oh, well, there's always next year. On second thought, his sense of humor isn't that well-developed; I'm sure he wouldn't find it funny in the least. Bummer being married to a party pooper.

 

[Madame Pandora]

Oh boy...I’m gonna get it for this one…

As writers, we tend to think of our "art" in emotional terms. We want it to mean more to the people who are important to us. We can be tough-as-nails hardliners in all other aspects of our lives, and yet crave a certain level of approval in our work.

It’s our work. It’s our art. It’s our child. It’s our creation.

To us.

To others it’s just words on paper (or a screen).

I have often thought that the feelings I have for my writing (my real writing and not that which is posted here for recreation and research) completely belie the person I feel I am.

The people who care about us may have a variety of reasons to not take part in our work. Maybe it doesn't appeal to them, maybe they don't understand it…
Maybe…
whatif…
I wonder…
It’ll drive you nuts.

I write romance. I have friends and relatives who literally HARASS me for new pages, I have others who would rather I drug them behind a car and got it over with before I ask them to read it.

We, as writers, generally CANNOT separate our WORK from OURSELVES. We think "because they are rejecting my work, they are rejecting me."

But the truth is that many of them don't get that. It's different. It's not a "part" of us - it's just something we do.

Reading is one of those things that is different for everyone. Sometimes you have to be in the mood - sometimes it's an obligation. How many books do you walk by in the bookstore and couldn't give a fig about? All those books had authors.

Ahhhh...but if they CARE about us, it should be important to them, right?

Just MHO, but no - WRONG.

To me, this is along the lines of saying "I made this spinach, and even though you don't care for spinach, I think you should eat this because you love me."

Whisper, you know I love you (NBTAC) and I'm sorry you feel rejected by his aversion. How nice it would be if all the people we cared about would fulfill the creative reactions we seek, and if we could do the same for them.

Truman Capote once said, "When God hands you a gift, he also hands you a whip, and the whip is intended solely for self-flagellation."

I think writers beat themselves ridiculously - but I also think some of the people around us take blows when we get tired of striking at ourselves.

MP

 

[circe!]

Oh damn...

...just returning from fileing for divorce, wishing MP had got her butt up earlier and posted that this morning... oh well...


circe!

 

[1musicman]

the spousal response

one night my wife happened to peer over my shoulder and read some of what I was writing, it was, she said, disgusting and a complete turn-off. Needless to say, our marriage was taking on water at the time and only lasted a few months more. My last woman friend, however, loved to have me read my stories to her and this became a part of our play from time to time. We broke up in a mutual sort of way (very civilized!) since we had both found other people who interested us. My ex-wife, with whom I stayed friendly, now wants to re-visit my writing since she now feels that she missed out on something, how about that. My ex-lover insists that I email a story to her at least once a month and she even goes so far as to clearly delineate what she wants me to include in them. I just keep on writing because ultimately I am writing to be creative and there are plenty of people out there who seem to love what I write. Don't stop your writing...

 

[Whispersecret]

MP, it's ironic that just this morning Gaucho was telling me that when he reads my stuff he feels I've distanced myself from it. LOL.

But I don't really think that's my problem. Remember last night's conversation? I truly don't care if you read my latest. If my best friends, sister, brother, etc. don't read my stuff, no skin off my nose. But somehow it feels like it should be different with my husband. Then again, maybe I'm just looking for more reasons why we're unhappy. The relationship with a spouse is completely unlike any other.

1Musicman, I will NEVER stop writing. The need to write is rooted deep inside me.

 

[circe!]

MP: "I write romance."

PLEEEEEZE don't tell me you're Rosemary Rogers.
(Omigawd! You're Danielle Steel aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you?)


circe!

 

[Whispersecret]

Hell no. Rogers and Steele are at least in their forties, probably more.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Monterey... I used to live in Monterey. I miss Cannery Row and the Farmer's Market. Of course, I don't miss traipsing through the expensive art dealers with the Stud who insists on handling expensive objects d'art. Had to pay for one. Ouch.

Whisper darlin, I feel for you. For the longest time the Stud never understood the essentials of what made me tick, still doesn't. His newfound immersion into psychology has helped him understand himself and me as well. I always thought that if he read what I wrote, he would see into my soul, because he knew me so well. He would see past the story. The truth of it is that he usually lost interest after the second or third word he had to use a dictionary for. He's more of a soldier novel reader than anything else. He's read one or two of my stories, got all hacked off over the major/private one and hasn't cracked another one yet. He never listened to my audio. He is just proud of me anyway, he thinks I've done a wonderful thing here. I wish your hubby would at least be proud of you for your accomplishment. It's not easy to be nominated in the first place, let alone be singled out as outstanding, particularly in an arena as crowded as writing is. He is no doubt proud of you, but just doesn't have a clue how to express it, or more likely, doesn't have a clue that you need to hear it.

 

[Ulyssa]

Writing is an honorable profession. However it is best done in private, and you must wash your hands when you are done. Robert Heinlein.

Let's face it, people, one of the reasons that I know there is a God or Universal Consciousness is that he/she/they made me a writer out of spite. Now he/she/they can sit and take great amusement in watching me try to withstand a "normal" life and be a writer too.

I believe we are all like bad sitcoms to our creator--just funny enough to watch not interesting enough to take seriously. Once I realized God wasn't going to take me very seriously as a writer, it was easier to deal with the fact that he/she/they gave me family and friends who wouldn't take me seriously either.

It doesn't hurt any less mind you, but I can live with that. Once I got ten thousand words written in one day. As a unit my family wondered why supper wasn't ready. I didn't speak to any of them for a week.

[Edited by Ulyssa on 04-11-2001 at 05:36 AM]

 

[Bob Peale]

Re: Cymbidia, Bob, Mickie, and Deb

Yes, Bob, my husband is a little uncomfortable with my writing erotic stories. (You'd think being a man, he'd be ecstatic that I was so in touch with my sexuality...go figure.) However, he IS a very CONTROLLED man. Still, I'm afraid I can't limit what I want to write based on his comfort level. However, I write more than just erotica.

WS,

Perish the thought! My wife and I have reached a sort of detente. She knows the stories are there, she even knows that I am fairly popular, but she doesn't read them. For my part, I understand her discomfort, and no longer ask.

Ironically, we had a flip flop of sorts several years ago. She has a rather "humorous" way of depicting her relationship with my mother. While I don't find it funny, an awful lot of people do. I discovered a series of essays that she had written and shared with her friends and at first I was VERY upset. She helped me understand that it was her way of dealing with a stressful situation; however, since it was my mother, she had to understand my point of view. Similarly, the agreement we reached was that, if she continued to produce the essays, she had to accept that I did not want to read about it, and definitely didn't want to be drawn into conversations about them with her readers that we may meet socially. Not very different from her view of my stories. We both still write, and acquiese that we don't enjoy everything that the other produces.

 

[Guest]

Spouses

First of all, how anyone could pass up KM's audio stories is beyond me. Her voice and delivery are absolutley captivating. Now, on to the matter at hand.

My wife and I are both writers. She painstakingly edits my plays and the chapters for my novel. If I am ever successful as a professional writer, she will own more than a small share of that success.

BUT, she never reads my porn or erotica. She hasn't for over two years now. It doesn't thrill her sexually and she is sometimes uncomfortable with the elements of violent/antisocial behavior exhibited by the characters. Odd that, since it doesn't upset her when characters in my fantasy novel hack at each other with swords. I guess that there are just the right combination of elements in our relationship and in my erotic writing to make her wish to distance herself from the stories. It is rather a complex web of psychosexual factors when you think about it.

My wife knows that I get fanmail, and we used to have it on the same account that we both used for other things. She neither opened it nor read it once opened. It's "your thing" to her, and she has decided that that is the place where she is most comfortable with it. In general, if my wife and I aren't actively participating in a particular aspect of the other's life, we declare it "your thing" and just occasionally ask the other if they had a nice time with it. Of course, there are unspoken boundaries there, but neither of us wishes to test them.
---darkness_d---

 

[SteamyChik]

tell me how i feel

Whispersecret,

My husband doesn't read my stories either. I have read a few of them to him out loud, and he does like them. You might try reading them to your husband for a bedtime story.

Most of the time, I don't let it bother me. I know he is not into reading other than technical stuff so I don't take it personally. There are some things he likes to do that I really don't care about even though to him, they are really personal and fulfilling. We have been married for 20 years in May, and we figured out that for us, we don't have to do, enjoy or even like everything the other person does.

I sit at my computer typing away and he sits at his computer doing whatever he does and we are happy. LOL. Occassionally we send email to each other (And yes, we do a lot of things together, just not this.)

So, my suggestion is to read a few stories out loud to your husband once in a while and enjoy the rewards your sexy stories will put him in the mood for.

 

[ronde]

Whispersecret,

I have not written to this board before, but I felt the need to give an alternative opinion on your question. I agree with most of what has been posted to this thread, but I would ask you to think about something. If you and your spouse were exactly alike, would you really be happy with him? I think you would soon become bored by the monotony. A great deal of what makes relationships work is the difference between partners, and the trust and understanding between life mates to allow the differences to continue.

Also, remember that we men sometimes have trouble discussing things with a woman, especially when her endeavors fall outside the stereotype commonly reinforced by society. That doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate your efforts; he just might be embarassed about liking what you do. While he probably doesn't brag about your work around the coffee pot at work, I'm sure he admires your ability and the strength it takes to venture outside of the norm.

By the way, my wife doesn't read my stuff, either, but after over thirty years with her, I've learned to read between the lines, so to speak. She would never boast about my work, but it's become a little joke shared between us, and a way to tease me unmercifully when we are with friends. I'm not saying I really understand her; uderstanding any of you wonderfully complex ladies is a road with no end, but I have figured out some of her little quirks.

So, enjoy the common things, and appreciate the different things.